Batts outta Hell

For those of you who are new to my blog, I’m a stand-up comedian and actor based in Toronto and when I get really wound up about something I take it out on my blog. The last piece I wrote was an open letter to the Prime Minister regarding the current state of stand-up comedy in Canada. Here it is for your reference if you wanna take a dip: http://sandrabattaglini.net/just-a-little-reciprocity/

To recap! Canada is home to some of the best stand-up comedy in the world and a thriving community exists from coast to coast, yet our government does not consider it an art form so it’s not eligible to receive funding. This is truly an erroneous oversight since I can only describe the people in my community to be some of the most magnificent artists I’ve ever had the opportunity to watch create. I attended my first ever Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal this past summer and my peeps were true heroes, representing this art form and our community so elegantly and brilliantly. I’m very proud to be a part of this fellowship.

I keep hearing over and over again that comedy is Canada’s greatest legacy to the world – it certainly is its greatest export especially to the United States. As testament to this, Canada’s own Jim Carey was honoured with the Generation Award at Just for Laughs. He’s part of a glorious list of funny peeps this country has produced. I just found out Rich Little is Canadian. I don’t know why I didn’t know this. Comedians from Canada in America are ubiquitous.

I’ve never been more inspired and lit up than I was at this year’s fest. I’m still reeling. But here’s the dig. Canada hosts a world-class comedy/arts festival that receives funding from the Ministry of Heritage with stand-up being the focus and yet there’s no arts funding for stand-up comedy. What? Can you repeat that Sandra? Sure I can. We host the biggest comedy/arts festival in the world but don’t fund stand-up comedy because it’s not considered art.

So okay. No arts funding. Check! No late night shows. Check. So we say let’s go to the United States. A tonne of opportunity there and they’re not that far away. Not so easy Battasleazy. First, we’re made to endure a very expensive and arduous VISA/Green Card process that costs upwards of $10,000 and that doesn’t even guarantee entry. It’s starting to feel like something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. I know this isn’t Denmark but I’d like to take my Shakespeare moment… I’ve never had one. And Shakespeare gets more funding from the Canadian government than our own comedic voices do. When Americans come to work in Canada they encounter no such barriers. Technically if we want to perform one night of comedy in America we need a $10,000 Visa to do so and we have a ‘free trade’ agreement with these people. More on that later.

See, the thing is there’s no star system in Canada. There’s one in Quebec but not in English Canada. So we feel compelled to go south. The truth is we don’t foster our talent the way the Americans do or the British. At both the HBO and Comedy Central panels at Just For Laughs, the burning question was: What’s your mandate? What do you look for? Answer: TALENT. I can’t remember who said it but talent is their ‘north star’. I love that. Their execs go to comedy clubs to scout talent and look for comics with a strong point of view to build shows around. That doesn’t happen here. The CRTC just lowered the amount of Canadian content requirements to 5%. So naturally we wanna go stateside to be seen and get work.

The Just for Laughs Festival is the greatest celebration of comedy on earth and I love that Canada hosts it. It brings in hundreds of comedians from around the world. The talent this year was breathtaking. What a beautiful tribe to be part of. Being invited to this festival is a huge deal for Canadian comics because there are very few opportunities here for that kind of exposure so it’s very exciting when we get this gig. But the truth is Canadian comedy took a back seat at the fest.

Not one Just for Laughs Awards was handed to a Canadian comic. Jim Carey is Canadian but he’s not a Canadian comic. The bar at the Hyatt featured mini pavilions for Netflix, Funny or Die and Comedy Central that advertised their upcoming line-ups and stand-up specials. Again, not a Canadian to be seen. Why is this? CBC has so much to be proud of this year with their comedy line-up but they had no such display. The Comedy Network advertised their line-up of mostly American shows and Bell hosted a panel with some Youtube stars they’ve taken under their umbrella. It’s the equivalent of the Roman Catholic Church canonizing saints. We had nothing to do with your good deeds and miracles but we’ll bring you under our cannon to make us look holy. There’s a lot of buying of American content in Canada but not a lot of making. There’s something very sick in our collective cultural consciousness here that doesn’t have faith in our own stories or storytellers.

So here we are one year later. Mr. Trudeau has yet to respond to my letter. I’ve sent it to him several times. Tweeted at him. Called him. No dice. I get the picture bro, I’m not your main squeeze. You’re busy approving pipelines, renegotiating NAFTA, meeting popes… it’s a tight schej. I’m sure if my name was Kinder Morgan Sandra Battaglini we would’ve had steak tartare already.

So when I wasn’t getting anywhere with Heir Trudeau, I contacted Heritage Minister Melanie Jolie, my MP Julie Dabrusin (Toronto-Danforth) and the Canada Arts Council. Guess what, I had coffee with my MP and a couple of phone convos with the Canada Arts Council. Julie was cool. She let me know I was the first person from the stand-up community to ever approach her. I was pretty jazzed at first but then realized as comics we do a lot of complaining and not enough speaking up.

Julie wanted to learn more about the stand-up world because she had no awareness of us. I mean she knew we existed but that’s about it. She had some great funding ideas, ie. creative spaces grants that would help venues who support stand-up comedy to pay comics, advertise etc. The Comedy Bar, The Social Capital Theatre and The Corner Comedy Club immediately came to mind. I felt encouraged. I then had a phone conversation with a coordinator at the Canada Arts Council and he was pretty clear they fund art, not entertainment. So what do you consider entertainment I asked? He said sports and I thought I heard strip clubs but that could’ve been my inner monologue. I told him I’ve seen a lot of stuff funded by the CAC and wouldn’t consider it art. He burst out in an awkward laugh. He explained the Canada Arts Council funds comedy only if you define yourself as a theatre artist. Stand-up is the most immediate theatre there is bro. Punto e basta! (That’s Italian for period – the punctuatish not menstruaish)

In 2015 the Canada Arts Council reformulated how it funds art. It used to distribute $154 million in about 4,000 grants and payouts to artists each year through 147 different programs. This seems excessive. They thought so too. According to council director and CEO Simon Brault, for too long the federal agency reacted to any new issue/trend or artistic practice by creating a new discipline based funded program. How was stand-up comedy absent? It’s never been a trend. It’s as old as our consciousness. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from comics who were denied funding from the CAC. I applied several times and was never granted money. It pissed me off.

As of 2017, the Canada Arts Council has streamlined their arts funding and it looks promising for us. Since my discussions with them, they’ve opened a portfolio on stand-up comedy and are currently familiarizing themselves with it in Ottawa. Let me be clear though, stand-up comedy is yet to be defined as an art form by them but it is under consideration. Here’s what their new funding model looks like. http://canadacouncil.ca/funding

But let me get back to Mr. Primo Ministero, Justin Trudeau for a moment. What do I gotta do to get you to talk to me? Do I have to come down to Ottawa. Cause I’ll do it. Timing is of the essence especially because NAFTA is currently being renegotiated which is really the reason for my blog post today.

I recently learned that Washington controls Canadian oil. It’s outlined in Article 605 of the NAFTA Agreement. Something Brian Mulroney just handed over to the Americans back in 1993. I mean I guess I knew that intuitively but didn’t know it explicitly.

“For more than 20 years, Canadian politicians have largely managed to keep the focus on lumber and cows, distracting us from the truly outrageous aspects of NAFTA: the surrender of Canadian sovereignty in a couple of key areas. Now that Trump is forcing us to renegotiate NAFTA, there’s lots of talk here about how Canada must be tough, and even demand some changes we want.” (Nafta’s Dirty Little Secret: It Lets U.S. Control Canada’s Oil, Linda McQuaig, The Toronto Star)

Washington tried the same thing with Mexico and they shut it down.

“Article 605 was considered such an extreme infringement of national sovereignty that Mexico refused to accept it. Instead, Mexico demanded and was granted an exemption to that clause when it joined NAFTA in 1994.” (Nafta’s Dirty Little Secret…)

So why the hell did we just hand over our petrol like a bunch of pussies? Well we didn’t, Mulroney did and he did it without regard. A defining moment in our history and an erosion of our democracy.

This really characterizes our relationship with the United States. We just keep making more accommodations for them while they continue to impose restrictions on us. And we reward them with our motha’ flowin’ oil. Madonne! I’m losin’ it ova here!

Article 605 of NAFTA states:

(b) the Party [Canada] does not impose a higher price for exports of an energy or basic petrochemical good to that other Party [United States] than the price charged for such good when consumed domestically, by means of any measure such as licenses, fees, taxation and minimum price requirements.

In your face Canada!

When Brian Mulroney was negotiating NAFTA back in the 90s, I remember my father was not into it. He would say, ‘this free tray (he’s an abreever) is no free for us. It’s free for America but no Canada.’ And he was right. He knew the effects it would have on our economy because he worked in the mining industry. He experienced first hand the havoc the ‘free’ market wreaks in people’s everyday lives. I’m being so Marxist right now, I know, but it’s the only way I can explain it.

Marx would have been extremely opposed to ‘free tray’ deals because the further away the owners of the means of production are located, the more estranged and alienated the worker becomes to their livelihood and the citizen to their country. At times I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness living in a nation that betrayed its citizens by giving so much power to banks, corporations and the biggest mafia of all time, Washington. This deal is so corrupt, that on top of everything I just said, it makes Canadians pay for loss of corporate profits due to stronger environmental regulations, indigenous rights, worker protections and consumer rights. Canada is the most-sued country in the developed world. Are Canadians just a bunch of whores? Maybe.

(Here’s a lovely painting of Karl Marx. Good chest on the man!)

Donald Trump has expressed he wants a better deal for Americans? How much of a better deal could he be looking for when they already have our oil? This is why Trudeau hasn’t made any serious commitments to the environment and why he keeps approving pipelines – the goons in Washington want it that way.

The current NAFTA negotiations are going so badly they’ve extended talks to 2018 largely due to outrageous U.S. demands and oil isn’t even on the table. Oil should always be on the table in case you wanna dip your bread in it. Canada’s Foreign Minister Cynthia Freeland said, “We have seen proposals that would turn back the clock on 23 years of predictability, openness, and collaboration. In some cases, these proposals run counter to World Trade Organization rules. This is troubling.”

So here’s my plea to Prime Minister Trudeau today. On behalf of stand-up comedians, please remove the unfair restrictions on us working in the United States and include us on the list of professions on the NAFTA job list: http://www.tnvisaexpert.com/overview/nafta-job-list/

If we keep allowing our precious commodities like oil and comedy to freely flow to the U.S. without demanding proper compensaish then we have no pride as a nation in what we produce. Let’s not make the same mistake with comedians as we are with oil. Comedians will outlive the fuel based economy. Let’s protect them.

There is absolutely nothing that justifies this incredibly unfair policy. If Americans claim that imposing restrictions on Canadians is necessary because we can take their jobs away, then the same is true in reverso. American comics come to Canada all the time and perform in our clubs and at our festivals. No problem. They don’t even need to produce so much as a letter at the border. Ridiculous right! And let me say it again they control our motha flowin oil. Enough!

This is the same for Canadian actors and musicians. When a Canadian band goes to the U.S., each member has to get a VISA. When American bands come to Canada, they need only one Visa for the entire band. Empire’s a bitch, eh. And Noam Chomsky agrees.

“Free trade agreements are not free at all. The trade system was reconstructed with a very explicit design of putting working people in competition with one another all over the world… [When] Alan Greenspan… testified to Congress, he explained his success in running the economy as based on what he called ‘greater worker insecurity’. Keep workers insecure they’re going to be under control. They are not going to ask for decent wages or decent working conditions, or the opportunity of free association – meaning to unionize. If you keep workers insecure they’re not going to ask for too much. They’ll just be delighted – they won’t even care if they have to have rotten jobs, and by some theory, that’s considered a healthy economy.” (In Requiem for the American Dream, Noam Chomsky)

This sums up the stand-up world in Canada. There’s so much insecurity that comics oblige some of the national clubs when they dictate to us where we can and can not perform. Most of us don’t even make a living wage. When a new club opened in Toronto over a year ago, some comics starting using pseudonyms instead of their real names for advertising purposes so as not to get in trouble with the bigger clubs. I used to be known as Sandy Bertrand for a time. No more. I’m Sandra Battaglini and my name is the only thing I got in this business. This environment of fear suffocates the very art it purports to showcase. And because we don’t have easy access to the U.S. we appease these outdated ways of doing business. When I watch I’m Dying Up Here, I think to myself is Canada 1970s L.A. but without Carson?

The same is true for actors. ACTRA tells its members where they can and cannot work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to turn down a part in an indie web series that would’ve paid me $100 for a couple of hours because I’m an ACTRA member and it was a non-union production. How can ACTRA tell people not to accept work when they don’t have work to replace it? That is not a union. That $100 multiplied by all the times I’ve had to turn work down because I belong to a so-called union, would’ve amounted to several weeks of groceries and mortgage payments. Never mind the exposure that doing something like this does for an actor. Why do the gatekeepers in this country make it so hard for us to work? I don’t think any Canadian would stand for this. I actually called and emailed ACTRA asking them to stand with us on this issue and they never got back to me. I’m suspish!

Right now Canada is experiencing a comedy boom. We’re bursting at the seams despite our limitations. So much great content is being created online and on TV, ie. LetterKenny, Baroness Von Sketch, Terrific Women just to name a few. Every night thousands of Canadians leave their homes and their devices to watch live comedy and laugh off the hysteria of our times. We are the talent, the NORTH star. So let’s stand-up for our art and celebrate it to maximum capacity. Let’s gain the access we deserve, and the government support that’s due. Let’s take ownership and develop our north stars. Let’s create a structure to ensure Canadian comics can entertain Canadians with their art while living and working in Canada. Let’s ask our politicians to ensure greater ease for comics to tour outside of Canada so they can bring their perspectives to the world, and new perspectives of the world back to Canada. We live in a magnificent country and we can nurture and benefit from uniquely Canadian storytellers, instead of celebrating their achievements elsewhere.

This may seem trivial to people. Oh you just tell jokes, that’s not a job. It is! It’s our livelihood and a force in our economy. Never mind the force it’s been in the American economy. One of the most iconic comedy institutions, SNL, was created by a Canadian after all. Based on that alone America, don’t make it so hard for us. And Canada, the economic spin-off of comedy is huge, ie. transit, food, taxes. So many venues rely on comedy to keep their doors open. It’s a beautiful thing and what keeps our spirits buoyant.

Let’s consider for a moment the larger and more monumental economic benefit of producing content here in Canada with our own talent. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu and other digital platforms are spending billions of dollars on content creation. It would be foolish for Canada not to pursue a piece of this pie domestically with our natural resources – comedians – instead of taking the less risky tactic of buying stuff for cheap from other countries. This is a serious lack of vision and faith and shall I say downright lazy. Funny people from Canada are a tried and true commodity. As slick as oil and less corrosive to the earth. If the CRTC and Canadian broadcasters can’t get their shit together when it comes to creating Canadian stories by Canadian storytellers (aside from the CBC) then shall I suggest throwing a couple of dollars to us on the front lines who do it every day. I am certain we would create content the likes of which no one could have ever imagined. SCTV and Kids and the Hall are proof positive of our legendary comedic talent.

This Visa issue facing the comedy community here has manufactured a separation between us and our peers in the U.S. and created the kind of competition Chomsky speaks of. We are one community. We create art by stringing together words in such a way that culminates in laughter. It releases so many endorphins, you could say it saves lives. It certainly saved mine.

So many of my peers have made the big move to the U.S. and are gloriously forging a formidable presence there. They’ve been doing that for decades. I just got my O1 Visa so that part really isn’t for me but my community and my country who I stand in solidarity with and who have afforded me the privilege to entertain them.

If Canadian stand-ups were allowed to perform in the U.S. with little or no restrictions, they wouldn’t have to completely up-root their lives. They could tour the U.S. while still living here, instead of leaving Canada a pro and having to start all over in the U.S. I’m not advocating not moving to the U.S., I’m just saying, it doesn’t need to be such a big deal.

EPILOGUE

Dear Prime Minister Trudeau

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Maybe it’s more of a plea… you be the judge. I am a comedian based in Toronto and I am proud to say we have a vibrant, eclectic and incredibly edgy community here. Some say it’s the best in the world. We are truly lucky to live in a country that affords us freedom of speech. It’s a hallmark we sometimes take for granted but one that makes nations great.

I wanted to share something with you that became apparent to me during the last election. While you were on the campaign trail the comedians in this country were unknowingly campaigning for you. They were telling jokes in the back of bars, clubs and in theatres, urging Canadians to dump Harper in the toilet otherwise this country was headed down a dark path. Probably the most grass roots campaigning any politician could imagine. More effective than people knocking at your door or calling you on the phone asking who you’re gonna vote for. This actually happens every election and in between elections. I just thought you might wanna know seeing that you’re the most liberal and open minded prime minister we’ve ever had. Thank you for keeping your heart open to us. We watched in awe how you unequivocally reset the order of gender relations in government and appointed cabinet posts to people who had a genuine connection to their portfolio. It’s inspiring and has reinvigorated our country.

There are many things that make this country great and comedy is one of them. There has never been more comedy being performed than right now. Maybe it’s because stand-up is the most immediate art form… more than a play, more than a song. If something is happening in the world on any particular day, a comic will be out that same night poking at it… revealing the truth of it and freeing us all from the tension of it. And yet there doesn’t seem to be respect in this country for this magnificent art. Playwrights get grants, musicians get grants but stand-ups don’t. Not sure why. It’s theatre at its most honest, raw and relevant.

I’m not advocating solely for more government money because what the entertainment industry in this country really needs is to connect with private money. But I do think the government could subsidize this industry more than it currently does. We’re talking about a creative class of people who could make contributions to the growth of our nation in ways we haven’t even conceived of. My peers are some of the most imaginative, innovative, thoughtful, caring and inclusive people I have ever met. They are on the front lines every night engaging with citizens politically and emotionally bringing joy and release from the cruel realities of this existence. Giving us hope. Keeping us in community.  

I often hear, “There’s no money in the arts… It’s not profitable.” Well neither is mining, or oil or gas. These industries are heavily subsidized. “The International Monetary Fund estimates that energy subsidies in Canada top $34 billion each year in direct support to producers and uncollected tax.” (https://docs.neb-one.gc.ca/)  Imagine if the arts got even a fraction of that. And yet the energy and mining sectors are dependent on the constant extraction from the earth of its precious metals and resources. Creating a never ending stockpile of goods we couldn’t possibly consume in multiple lifetimes. Telling jokes is as integral to life as food and water and as ancient and it doesn’t really cause pollution. I think that’s a great thing to invest in.  

The thing about stand-up in Canada is when comics have worked hard building a repertoire of solid jokes, there is no place for them to showcase really. There are no late night talk shows or star system. Even the comedy festivals in this country give top billing to Americans. That doesn’t feel good. Luckily we’re not that far from where the action is. And so I arrive at my plea.

When we do decide to go south to connect to a larger audience and group of peers, we are faced with major costs and required to hire lawyers and produce application packages that are hundreds of pages long with letters of support from industry and media that demonstrates undeniable proof of our ‘extraordinary ability’. In fact, I’m currently applying for my 01 Visa and in my letters to the Department of Homeland Security above the To Whom it may Concern line, in bold it says, In Regards to Sandra Battaglini’s qualifications as an individual of extraordinary ability. A whole slew of my peers have just made the move to the US and have had to pay in some cases upwards of $10,000 for their Green Card Application and $5000 for their 01 VISA. This seems just a bit unfair considering when American comics come to Canada, they don’t have to produce much more than a letter if that. We do have a free trade agreement with the United States after all so why do we have such a hard time when we want to work there?

What I’m asking for is reciprocity between us and the United States. During Obama’s last visit to Canada he even remarked that, “Our relationship is so remarkable precisely because it seems so unremarkable. Which is why Americans often are surprised when our favourite American actor or singer turns out to be Canadian.” 

Since you and POTUS have such a bromance happening do you think maybe next time you’re sipping on martinis you can whisper in his ear that our jokesters are looking for an easier time to get in. That’s all. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 Best regards,

Welcome back for another instalment of my blog – Batts outta Hell – where I take the piss out of ads. I could take the shit out of ads, but that’d be more work. Today it’s about a bag of coffee. About two years ago, I decided to pop into the Grass Roots store on…

One day I was walking along Queen St. in Toronto minding my lmnop’s and then it hit me – a billboard with the most outlandish call to action I’d ever seen. It was an avalanche of nonsense that ground my 7.5 feet to a halt. (Sometimes I wear 8 but that’s uje with an orthotic……

Starbucks sells a brand of water called Ethos Water. I’m sure all you ‘ethical’ bastards out there have purchased a bottle or two when you’ve gone to the monster coffee shoppe to buy a ventisimo, frapacisimo, americanissimo latte. But it’s not just any water it’s Ethos Water. It has morals. It follows an ethical code and for that you pay $2. 

You bought it cause you were thirsty... totally human. But they got taps. Several of them. Do you know what kind of miracle that is? Running water everywhere with just a twist of the wrist. And somewhere along this murderous corporatist path we’ve been brainwashed into believing that the water we already pay for that flows from our taps is bad and dirty and the one that comes in plastic bottles is clean? Man we’re dumb. Stupid as hell. I hope aliens are feasting on our brains right now like it’s junk food cause we don’t use them. 

The idea behind this brand is that every time you buy Ethos Water, you help children around the world get clean water. Ahhh. How sweet. So by drinking the thing that children are having a hard time finding, we’re helping them get it? Does this make any fuckin sense to you cause my brain just farted and boy does it stink. 

For every $2 bottle that Ethos sells, Starbucks donates a whopping 5 cents toward solving the world water crisis. Profit is not only king in this equation but it’s laughing at the donation, taunting it even. Profit’s like, “Oh yeah you think you’re so big dawg!” I know how to solve the world water crisis. STOP BUYING BOTTLED WATER. Not only is it choking to death over a million sea birds and marine animals a year but it takes 3 litres of water to produce 1 litre of bottled water. Did you hear that? The irony in this scheme is luscious. 

When we put the amount of water used to make bottled water in a global context it’s Haywire. I don’t mean the 80s Canadian hard rock band Haywire (although their hit single Dance Desire really made me feel sexy), I mean ‘out of control’. In China the energy used for the bottled water industry is the equivalent of 88% to 161% of the total electricity generated by the Three Gorges Damn. God damn that’s a lot dam. Just to give you an idea of how big this god damn dam is, it’s one and half miles wide and 610 feet tall. It’s China’s largest construction project since the Great Wall. I know... that floored me too. Or leveled me. It just depends if you relate more to ‘above sea level’ idioms or ‘below sea level’ idioms. I’ll speak from either level as long as I connect to you. 

Here’s a photo I took of the Three Gorges Dam! 

Now for the piece-de-resistance. Take a guess where they were sourcing all the water for the Ethos brand up until May of this year? Right in sunny, drought-stricken California. The ethics behind this douche bag business practice are evil. It’s watercide. Pure unabashed watercide. The only reason they stopped doing it was because Mother Jones told on their ass. Thanks Mamma Jones for kicking some devil dick. 

Then there’s the waste. Americans throw away 35 billion plastic water bottles a year. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s a lot of Americans. (I’m sorry, that one was just for me). In Toronto we consume 100 million plastic bottles a year. Guess what? I just found all the clean water that the children are looking for. 

This business is so sinister that when San Francisco announced their bottled water ban, The American Beverage Association, which includes Coca-Cola Co. and Pepsi Co. said in a statement that the ban was “nothing more that a solution in search of a problem. This is a misguided attempt by city supervisors to decrease waste in a city of avid recyclers.” So they’re saying, we should continue making bottled water because people are good at recycling? Excuse me while I stand in front of an oncoming train because that would hurt less than this diabolical lie. 

Perhaps one of the worst assaults on the environment is how many plastic water bottles end up in the ocean. As we speak there’s an ever expanding island of plastic debris (of which water bottles make up 10%), 30 metres deep and bigger than the province of Quebec that swooshes in the North Pacific off the coast of California. How poetic! A glorious monument to the sheer idiocy of our species erected from containers that once held water, now swirling in water outside of a state that has no more water. All wielded by the invisible hand of the free market. Bravo. 

Before I became a comedian I was in the marketing and ad business. I wanted to do something creative and decided that marketing just might be the thing. Well sorta, kinda, not really. There was a shit tonne of passive aggressive behaviour firing off in all directions which the business world is predicated on. Don’t get me wrong the creative people I worked with were brilliant but the minute a great concept got in front of the ‘client’ forget about it. They’d find a way to suck the life out of it. You had the odd client that was enlightened but most of the time they were living in Delusionville or Duncetown or Stupid Bay. One time a client asked if we could make the very white man in our brochure more Asian. No problem. Nothing a magic marker can’t fix. 

Then there were the people I worked with. Shit. Some serious assblasts. Once I worked for a woman named Jennifer and that’s when my stomach problems began. She bullied her way into my guts and I didn’t know how to fight back. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my job. This chick wasn’t right. I mean she would sit on the phone and erase and re-record voicemails to this one client for a half hour at a time. Stuart and Ted if you’re reading this, it was you. I was so happy the day she left our office. What a huge relief. I actually ran into her the other day at Joe Fresh. It was as though she knew I put her name to virtual paper. She’s no longer in the business. She just teaches and says she loves it. I believe her. She said the business didn’t make her happy and she knew that her behaviour ruined a lot of people’s days. Well Jennifer you ruined my stomach. I’m just getting over it now. 

This is why I do a lot of jokes about advertisements. I spent so much time listening to and being surrounded by bullshitters that I can smell their bologna from a mile away. 

So here we are… October 2015 and I’m re-launching my blog about ads that I find ridiculous. Oh yeah. I started my blog a year ago called Sandra Battaglini’s World and then I stopped cause I was like what the heck am I gonna keep talking about. Which is ridiculous, cause I’m always talking. I have three blog entries. One was about Febreeze, the other was about how a mom called me a fat cunt in front of the Value Village in Leslieville and the last one was about a stand-off I had with a cross-eyed kid in Woodbridge that culminated in me asking her, “What are you lookin at?” I honestly didn’t know she was cross eyed at first. I thought she was giving me the evil eye. Turned out it was the evil cross eye. Please read them. 

I’m gonna start with U By Kotex Barely There® Liners. 

Feminine protection ads always turn my brains inside out. The premise behind most of these ads is about hiding or pretending that women don’t get their periods. The product description goes like this: 

 It’s a liner so thin and flexible, you might forget you’re wearing it. 

Let’s be real. What woman forgets she has cotton swab between her thighs? Unless she’s been hit in the face by a subway car, then I’ll give her some slack. But otherwise, get it together. It’s annoying sure but the good news is you’re not pregnant the bad news… you’re paying for it in blood. What a cruel injustice. 

 Then comes the features and benefits part… key in any marketing campaign. 

1. Sheer sides keep everything in place and are virtually undetectable. 

Undetectable by who? A border agent? Border Agent: Ma’am can you step aside, we need to examine what you’re packing in your underwear. Me: It’s just a shield and some heat! Border Agent: Are you a warrior? Me: Yeah bro. Every month I’m warring against the fury of my womb. Border Agent: And the heat? Me: I just got a hot puss. It’s science. 

2. Super thin and flexible to fit any undies (you might forget you’re wearing it) 

Again with the forget. C’mon. I don’t have dementia and most women during their menstruating years don’t either. Read a book. 

3. Cool patterns and colors help you escape boring period protection. 

Oh of course. I forgot how BORED I am when I reach for a pad or a tampon. I yawn at the entire blood bath. NO!!!! I cramp bro! CRAMP. Which isn’t boring. It’s painful. And I don’t think all those cool patterns and colours are good for our vaginas. 

In fact… now for the BAD NEWS. Each conventional sanitary pad contains the equivalent of 4 plastic bags, according to Andrea Donsky, author of Label Lessons. Four plastic bags would hold a lot of period. So what I’m thinking is just wear one plastic bag instead of wearing pads or tampons. It’s cheaper and you’re kind of recycling. You can empty it out in the sink when it fills up. Kind of like the Diva Cup but a bag... the Diva Bag. 

In tests where they burned an organic pad and an Always pad, the organic one burned slowly and left hardly any residue whereas the Always pad created lots of black smoke and thick residue. Black smoke? Ewww. That’s like hosting a papal conclave in your drawers. We’re absorbing this ladies. Switch to organic. 

Dr. Mercola says, “tampons and pads with odor neutralizers and other artificial fragrances are nothing short of a chemical soup laced with artificial colors, polyester, adhesives, polyethylene, polypropylene, contaminants linked to hormone disruption, cancer, birth defects, dryness and infertility.” I like most soup. Who doesn’t. But I’ve never been a fan of polyester soup. It’s very unimaginative and shows a complete disregard for the abundant ingredients that already exist in the food chain. 

I used to use Febreze like a maniac. I’d spray my couches, my curtains, the carpets, smoky blouses and of course the AIR.  Oh the air, how it gets tainted by life.

Whatever fabric I could find, I’d Febreze it. I febreezed with the kind of zealousness usually relegated to a Jehovah’s Witness or a Christian Crusader. Just in case I wasn’t home to spray, my ever so reliable Febreze Plug-in would pump a summer breeze into the air like clock work. If you’re not into summer breezes don’t worry, you can choose from a dizzying list of scentsations like Falling Leaves, Winter Frost, Sandalwood and Soothe, Fluffy Vanilla, Warm Milk and Honey, Linen and Sky and so on and so on and so on and so on.

What the hell does Winter Frost smell like and why would you want the smell of outside inside? That’s the point of inside, it’s inside. Leave the outside to the outside. I’m sure many people still without power are wishing the outside would leave the inside of their house.

And Linen and Sky? When have those two things ever been companions? It probably was the brainchild of some Procter & Gamble exec who just so happened to be wearing linen pants on a flight to a business meeting drunk on cheap wine and bloated from soy nuts. When he looked outside his airplane window to see the sky he was so impressed he farted... naturally. Worried that it would offend the other passengers, he lowered his head to take a whiff and saw his linen pants for the first time. He thought to himself now that’s a smell I can sell. And I bought it.

I wasn’t the only one. In fact everyone was Febreezing the god-damn out of their stuff. It was the Febreze revolution. You could kill the funk in the air with just a couple of sprays and Breathe Happy™ – the feel good slogan by Proctor & Gamble, the makers of Febreze. Everywhere I went I would find a Febreze can. In people’s homes, at the office, in cars and most significantly in the bathroom ­– a saviour to a deadly dump. With Febreze you could take a shit and forget about it.

The person after you in the bathroom no longer had to endure your stink train. It was a win win for every ass and hole.

Febreze had so won over the hearts and minds of its customers that it became synonymous with the adjective ‘spray’. You didn’t spray your house with Febreze, you just febrezed it. A real win for a brand, like Fedex and Xerox before them.

Then something changed. I would often have swollen glands and feel listless – a side effect usually attributed to pharmaceutical drugs. It means lacking energy or enthusiasm; lethargic, spiritless, unenergetic, lifeless. Why would the makers of Febreze want me to feel lifeless and spiritless? This confounded me on a very deep level. Reports started coming out that attributed various neurological diseases to air fresheners like Febreze. So I unplugged all my plug-ins and let my outlets breathe happy.

From that point on I made a commitment to try and remove all chemicals from my house. Why would I support a company who knowingly puts poison in their products and then has the balls to sell them to me? Those are big balls! And I’m not gonna pay for big ball attitude. 

I didn’t know this at the time but there are 87 toxic demons floating around in one tin can of Frebeze dying to invade your air. I’ll include a partial list here for your afternoon tea: Hexadecaneor diesel fuel additive; Trimethyl PentanylDiisobutyrate or nail polish plasticizer; Diethylene Glycol Monoethyl Etheror anti-freeze additive; Dioxane (a pesticide Monsanto patented in 1953).

For you history buffs out there, Dioxane, also known as Agent Orange was used by the United States military as part of its herbicidal warfare program, Operation Ranch Hand, during the Vietnam War. They sprayed nearly 20 million gallons of this stuff over Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam. The aim was to defoliate forested and rural land which eliminated guerillas of cover and the ability of peasants to support themselves.

Who knew the inside of a Febreze can was laden in such a dark and evil past.

The fact that Monsanto is heavily embroiled in this noxious concoction makes this famous deodorizer an enemy to us all. With a partner like Monsanto there are no limits to where this sinister symbiosis can go. I can’t even imagine what these monsters are planning next. 

If this isn’t enough to leave you breathless, their ad campaigns most certainly have.

Everything from fishes swimming into living rooms, women sniffing upholstery in ecstasy, two blindfolded chicks smelling dirty blankets and soiled pillows in a crack den. It’s a farse.

The fish in the living room scenario is my favourite. You might remember this. A family is sitting in their living room doing their thing when all of a sudden a fish comes swimming through. The 12 month old baby notices it and is disgusted. Then the little boy sees it and asks his father what it is. The father makes a face and says it's last night's dinner and the mother looks guilty. The father takes out the Febreze can, sprays the air and the fish disappears. The mother is relieved and the family is back to normal. Watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udCZcdJbync

In the Spanish version the wife is running around the living room holding a huge fish by its fins trying to find a place to hide it. Finally she throws the fish under the couch cushion beside her husband, sits on it and pretends like nothing is rotting under ass. The wife sprays Febreze and the fish disappears. Fresca freganzia!  Watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkki4DK7hFw

In the harsh smelly world that Febreze is claiming to eliminate, I pondered what this fish represented and then it came to me… her vagina. If you have a smelly vagina, you can just take out a Febreze can, spray it and poof... no more vagina. 

In their holiday campaign this year Febreze is asking customers to Bring the season to life with their line of holiday scents. The kitchen is an area they suggest in a press release where true holiday scents may be lacking. “If you simply don't have time to bake… but crave the cozy and familiar aromas of seasonal baking, Scentstories' Celebrate the Holidays Disc, features scents such as mulling cranberry cider, baking holiday pies, making a gingerbread house, and cookies warm from the oven. They can help make your home smell like you've been baking since dawn.”

These people are mimicking the real scent of life by lacing it with poison. This is criminal and must be punished.

On Friday November 30th at approximately 4:30pm I went to the Longo’s in Woodbridge at Rutherford and Clarence to buy bacon. We were making Caesar salad for my mother’s birthday and we like to keep things fresh.

I don’t know what it is about the ‘Bridge’ but it makes me want to fight. The minute I turn onto Highway 7 my heart starts to pound a little faster and my blood starts to cook. The truth is my own people put me on edge. Large SUVs speed through town blowing red lights and tailgating cautious drivers with an arrogance and confidence that blows my mind. I always feel like I’m in a high speed chase when I’m driving in the suburb whose slogan used to be The City Above Toronto or as some people like to call The City above the Law. I simply call it the Cunt Factory. I pulled into the parking lot at Longo’s that Friday like I was in hot pursuit by Vaughan Police.

I park my car and run into the store. I don’t have a lot of time. I grab my bacon and go to the express checkout (1-8 items) and there’s this woman in front of me with her two children unloading her shopping cart that was full. Either she couldn’t read or she was just an asshole. Something told me it was the latter so I spoke up.

Me: “Ma’am this is the express line. You clearly have more than 8 items.”

Her: “I have kids!”

Me: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Her: “Get out of my face!”

How does having kids excuse you from following the rules? I think this woman had kids so she could justify her reign of terror. The cashier is mortified and mouths to me, I’m sorry. So I went in for the kill. I look around for support from the other customers and even though they’re nervous I can tell they’re floored by the audacity of this Woodbridge Gina princess and want me to set the record straight. So I say, “You’re an asshole,” right in front of her children.

It felt so good and so wrong all at the same time. Then she said, “You don’t know how to behave in front of children.” Perhaps she was right. I should watch my words. But when I zeroed in on her offspring I knew I did the right thing. Her 2-year old son was yelling like an animal and her 5-year old daughter was staring at me something fierce. Now I’ve had run-ins with children before but this was singularly vicious. She had daggers in her eyes. It was disturbing. My head started to hurt and I felt nauseous. Then it struck me. Was this kid giving me the evil eye? The thing is Malocchio gets tossed around amongst Italians like it’s a hot potato. You piss somebody off and they’ll wish bad luck on you and your family for eternity. I wasn’t going to be cursed out by some 5 year old so I say to the kid, “What are you looking at?” And she just kept on staring at me with even more intensity until I realized she was cross-eyed. That’s right folks, I asked a cross eyed kid what she was looking at. Classy!

This made Mamma furious so she asked me if I had children of my own. I froze. I didn’t know how to answer. I could feel everyone staring at me, waiting to hear if I’d put my ovaries to good use or if I’d chosen instead to flush them down the toilet. In that moment I felt ashamed that I didn’t have children. There is no greater achievement for an Italian woman than to bear the fruit of her womb and so far my womb has just been there for decoration. The clock was ticking. It was like I was on a game show but I knew my answer wasn't going to please the audience. The anticipation was palpable and because I took too long to answer she outed me. In front of everybody she declared that I obviously didn’t have children cause if I did I wouldn’t act the way I had. What’s her excuse then? Those little fucks are gonna grow up thinking 1-8 items means I can be a dick wherever I go! 

It was a lovely Halloween day in Toronto. The city was a buzz with official news from Toronto Police Services that they were in possession of a video of our adorable mayor just doing his job. In this instance it was connecting with his constituents who just so happened to be a couple of drug dealers doing their job.

After I’d consumed all the news I could about this major development in the Ford drama I was hungry. I hooked up with my fave man, Phil Luzi and we went to the Leslieville Pumps for a triple decker grill cheese and pea meal bacon sandwich. That was a pork & cheese pump deluxe sensation! If you haven’t been to the Leslieville Pumps it’s a gas station at Queen and Carlaw that serves up some of the best road food in town. After that we headed on over to the Value Village to digest and browse the costume aisle. Nothing sparked our fancy so we left. Sometimes the amalgamated body odour that is omnipresent at Value Village can really wreak havoc on my emotions.  

We exit the store and start to make our way east along Queen Street when all of a sudden a tall blonde demon of a mother running towards me on the sidewalk with her baby jogger yelled at me to get out of her way. I had no choice but to move cause she was gonna run me over. This woman was a mean son of a bitch.

She stormed past me, leaving only a trail of post-partum dust. I was furious. She was not going to get away with this so I yelled back,  “You’re not supposed to be running on the sidewalk!!!!” 

And then she called me a fat cunt.

I stood there with my mouth wide open. I couldn’t move at first cause those words hit me hard. I got so self-conscious that I even looked down at my twot to see if it appeared heavier that day but I was wearing leggings and a long top. There’s no way she could tell how big or small my vaginal area was. I quickly realized she was calling my whole person a fat cunt. And then all my insecurities from childhood rose up to the surface. I used to get teased as a kid for being ‘fat’ and it was torture. Add the word cunt to fat and you’ve just declared war. 

I’ll admit my cunt is fatter than hers. It’s true. I noted this when I caught a glimpse of her backside. It was hollow between her legs. The kind of hollow where you can see the other side of the street. The truth about things that are hollow is that there’s nothing inside. You may not be able to see between my legs but there’s substance there. This woman was just a self-righteous bag of bones. And bones belong either in the compost or six feet under.

Oh wait there’s more. The reason this mother was so adamant for me to get out of her way was because she wanted to catch up to her friend who was also running on the sidewalk with her baby jogger.

Wait a minute here breeders! I’m all for exercise and running and getting into shape especially after childbirth. I’m a runner myself. But running with your baby jogger on the sidewalk beside another mother with her baby jogger is pure jerk. Pure ass. Pure douche!

Leslieville is crawling with babies. They’re mostly cute. I even know a couple of them personally and am proud to call them my friends. I’m happy that my neighbourhood is full of new life but disturbed that some parents feel they have more of a right to it than I do. This is our community. Together we make it liveable. No one is entitled to it. Ever!