air in my lungs

Sammy confirmed that all children were smaller than grownups, which is something Raz had noticed over the years, but he nodded anyway. He sobered a little when Sammy mentioned his mother, glancing at Sam sympathetically and wishing he could take his hand but not sure if that’s something he should do in front of Sammy. “No, I didn’t know your mother, but I’m sure she was lovely.” He didn’t know what to say about her coming back some day so he didn’t say anything about it. The fallen angel hoped that, for Sammy’s sake, it was true. It would be a shame for that belief to be broken. No one understood the Departure, not even the angels, really, so anything seemed possible. 

Raz turned his attention to Sammy when he started answering his questions again. “Are the turtles you mentioned the ones on your pajamas?” He stored the information that Thomas the Train was for babies and wondered if he could look up what that was or ask someone later since he’d never heard of it before. Then, of course, Sammy had more of his own questions but Raz was happy to answer them. 

“If I was ever a baby, I don’t remember it. I don’t think there are angel babies, I think God made us the way we are. Infancy doesn’t seem very practical for angels. We talk differently because we’re different people, just like I’m sure you don’t sound exactly the same as all your friends. I used to be friends with many angels but I don’t think most of them will be friends with me anymore considering I chose to leave Heaven. There are some angels here, yes, I’m not sure I’d say yes and no, I don’t think they all know your dad.” He looked over at Sam again fondly, with a bit of a smile. 

“What is it about these Ninja Turtles that you like? Is it as exciting for you to learn new things as it is for me? The way I understand it, children are always learning new things and I, personally, think it’s very exciting when I learn anything new. Can you feel yourself growing or is it so gradual a change that you don’t notice it?” 

It was almost like watching a ping pong match, being a spectator in Sammy and Raz’s conversation. Sam’s eyes darted between the two of them as they spoke in turn, shooting questions and answers back and forth at lightning speed. He figured they were both probably thrilled to have someone to answer their questions. Sammy got to learn more about angels, and Raziel got to get answers about children firsthand.

Sam swallowed when Raz’s attention turned back to him as the subject of Nat came up. He didn’t talk about her much; Raz and Spike knew she was Departed, but anything else they knew would have probably come from Jorge. He couldn’t help but wonder how she would have felt about all the demons and angels. She probably would have handled it better than him. She’d always been better than Sam when it came to handling unexpected disasters. 

Grinning at the question, Sammy nodded. “Yup!” He popped the p in the word. “Have you seen Ninja Turtles? I bet you’d like it! Everyone likes Ninja Turtles! My daddy bought me the DVDs, so we can watch!” His brow ruffled curiously. “You were born a grown up? How come? Is God your dad? Do you have a mom, too? And brothers and sisters?” He seemed satisfied with Raz’s answer regarding Spike, nodding his head thoughtfully. When Raz went on to mention Heaven, Sammy’s eyes lit up in a way that Sam knew meant he’d just thought of a million new questions. “What’s Heaven like? Are there lots of angels there? And people too? How come you left? Don’t you miss it?”

Sam hoped that the questions didn’t make Raz uncomfortable. He’d been pretty open about his fall from Heaven, but reliving things you’d lost was never fun, even if you’d long since accepted said loss. Sam probably knew that better than most. He offered Raziel a small smile, hoping the angel knew that he could step in if anything was making him uncomfortable. Sammy had learned that some questions didn’t get answers right away, and he could accept that.

Raz shook Sammy’s hand and nodded at the boy’s introduction, pleased by the enthusiastic handshake. The fallen angel had been warned that Sammy would have a lot of questions and Sam hadn’t been wrong on that count, though the first question was directed at Sam. He was a little surprised that Sammy seemed to know so much about who was sleeping in whose bed but he was clearly a very observant child. 

After the brief interrogation of his father, Sammy turned to Raz and fired off several questions quickfire. Raz let him finished before he endeavored to answer them in order. “No, I’m not a guardian angel. My job involved keeping secrets and keeping track of mysteries. Even though that’s not my job, I do my best to guard your dad and Jorge because I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt them. I do know Spike, we’re actually quite close. I’m not in Heaven because I chose to leave Heaven, or rather I made it clear that I didn’t want to be there anymore so I got kicked out. I do like it here better, much better. Things are much more interesting down here.” 

Raz paused for a moment to let those answers sink in and took a seat across from Sammy. He had a lot of his own questions and figured he’d dive right in. “Is it strange for you to be so much smaller than adults? I imagine it gives you a different perspective on the world. What kind of things do you like? I know that children enjoy different things and I’m curious about what you like.” He might as well start with those and see if other questions cropped up from the answers. 

Sam grinned as he watched the exchange between Sammy and Raziel, chuckling subtly into his hand at the fast string of questions his son shot at the angel. 

Sammy nodded as Raziel answered his questions, looking very serious and leaning forward in interest to Raz’s answers. He was a pretty intense kid, and part of Sam wondered if that was because of his own Departure five years previously. He had been too young to really express much of a personality before Sam disappeared. Maybe growing up without a father was what had made Sammy so serious.

As Raziel turned his own questions on Sammy, a grin spread across the boy’s face. “All kids are littler than grown ups!” he exclaimed excitedly, apparently thrilled at being asked some questions himself for a change. “My mama always says I’m big for how old I am. Did you know my mama? She’s gone now, but she’ll come back someday, like daddy.” It broke Sam’s heart a little, how certain his son sounded. He wasn’t sure he believed it himself. He didn’t know why he’d come back from the Departure when others hadn’t; some days, it felt like being one of the only survivors of the IED that killed most of his and Jorge’s unit all over again, right down to coming back with pieces missing. 

Raz had been looking forward to this day for a while. He’d never really interacted with a human child before and he had many questions about what that experience was like. He’d understood Sam’s reticence to introduce him when they were just sleeping together but there were clearly feelings involved now. That was new territory for Raz and it had happened with not just Sam, but Spike and Jorge as well. Someday they were all probably going to have to have a conversation about that but today the fallen angel was just excited to get to meet Sammy. He waited in Sam’s room, clothed and awake, head pillowed on his hands and excited. 

Sam appeared in the doorway and told him he could come say hi and he smiled and got off the bed. “Sure thing.” He kissed Sam quickly, taking away his pain with the touch, then moved by him and into the kitchen. He looked at Sammy, who looked sort of like a smaller version of Sam with other features thrown in, and wearing pajamas with anthropomorphic turtles on them. Raz liked him already. He smiled brightly at the boy and walked over to him. 

“Hello, Sammy. I’m Raziel and I’m very happy to meet you.” He extended his hand for a handshake as he usually did when he introduced himself to someone. It didn’t occur to him that children probably weren’t used to shaking hands. 

Sam smiled as Raz kissed him, sighing as he felt the pain in his leg disperse. He’d feel bad with Raz taking his pain so often if the angel hadn’t been so insistent that he didn’t mind it. Plus, it was hard to be upset when his leg felt almost like there was nothing wrong with it at all. When he walked back to the kitchen, it was without a limp. Sammy, from his spot at the table, looked confused at this development, but said nothing. He was too focused on the angel behind his father.

Sam hadn’t really taught Sammy how to shake hands, but apparently someone had, because the kid grabbed Raziel’s hand and shook it enthusiastically. “I’m Sammy,” he said in the slow voice Sam knew he used when he was focusing on sounding more mature. He couldn’t help but grin at the effort.

“Raz is a friend of mine,” he told Sammy. He could practically see the million or so questions already forming in the kid’s mind, and he prepared to meet them head on. Sammy, of course, went for the big guns first.

“He sleeps in your bed like Spike?” Sam nodded, glad that Sammy wasn’t old enough to understand exactly what that meant yet. That would be a little harder to explain. “He sleeps in Uncle Jorge’s bed, too,” Sammy pointed out, and Sam nodded again. Sammy squinted at his father for a moment before turning his full attention to Raz.

“You didn’t come here to hurt me, but, guess what — this information goddamn hurts. Do you think that everyone wants to know this?” Kelly snapped, regretting that. Samuel was just trying to be nice, trying to help. She knew that, but she was upset that this was the first thing that he had to say to her after their fight weeks before. “What did you think you were going to accomplish by telling me this? Really, what were you thinking would happen? That I was just going to drop everything and leave him instantly? I mean really, Sam.”

Kelly held her hands out to take Georgia back from him, not wanting to hear about how he could help her or find people to help her. She didn’t trust anyone these days. She knew Samuel was going to take Jorge’s side for everything, so his loyalty would never be with her.

“I don’t want to talk about this, Sam. I appreciate you coming here to let me know that my relationship is fucked up, but it’s not helping.”

Sam sighed, getting to his feet so he could hand Kelly the baby back. He just wanted to help her. Couldn’t she see that? He didn’t want her to have to deal with Diederich in order to feel safe, didn’t want her to be forced to live with half a marriage, half a co-parent, half a life. Kelly deserved better than that.