Not Alone

I’m really awesome at getting kicked out of places. Anywhere from homeless shelters, rehabs and recovery homes to my parents place. You name it

I’ve been kicked out.

The only place I haven’t been kicked out of is jail.

I’m currently crashing on my aunts couch and somehow managing a job working in a kitchen. I don’t fucking know how I’m breathing but it’s happening.

Not a day goes by where I want to quit, throw a pan at someone and say the good ol traditional phrase “fuck it”.

This is what I’m learning, hard work is real. I can be born here in the states with a college degree and still be in the kitchen with illegal immigrants and we are the same. In fact I’ve felt racism for the second time from the other side. I get hated on cause I’m not from the motherland. I don’t “work” hard or fast enough. I’m not one of “them”.

Ask me how many shits and fucks I give...none.

I also understand the reason why they hate is cause they look at me and think I’m wasting my life cause I’m educated and can speak English. What they don’t understand is that we all have a story and I’m here cooking with them for a reason.

I’m a college graduate, born and raised in the US, well traveled and experienced, and here I find myself realizing I know little about life. A good friend of mine once told me to take these moments as opportunities to study and since than, my life has changed. As long as I’m learning, shit can be dark as fuck, it don’t matter cause I’m learning.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

I could’t but help to think about my brother out there that I don’t know. It kills me to know I have another brother in the world and have no clue how to get to him. I have learned a little about him. I found out his name is Chris and he is lost in the foster care system. My friend signed me up for ancestry.com, as a christmas gift a while back, but that hasn’t brought up much results.

Siblings are something I have taken for granted for years till the last 6 months since I moved back to Chicago. I joke around with my sisters telling them they are my best friends, but they truly are. There is an unconditional love that takes place between them and us. My brother who is younger than me, I always joke around and say I look up to him (every pun intended, he’s a shorter than me), but it’s true, he’s an inspiration to me every time I talk to him. 

My father always told me, growing up, to take care of my siblings because they will be there for the rest of my life, and I finally get it. It took coming back to the CHI and living at home for a while to realize this truth. I always fought with my pops and argued that it doesn't matter if we are blood related or not, that love transcends DNA. I still believe this. I still believe that a sibling can be more than blood related. But the reality is I do have a physical connection with my 3 siblings I do know, and at least one more out there that I would love to connect with. 

One of the toughest parts about being a sibling is being the oldest. A lot is expected of me. Since I am the oldest and have always been “in charge”, I had to get us all to school and take care of us when mom and dad weren't home. I was also the training ground for my parents so they learned a lot raising me and how to deal with the rest of my siblings through practicing on me. For a while I was angry but now I look at it as an honor and wouldn't trade being the oldest, for the world. 

 My dad always told me I was the “man of the house”, when he wasn’t home. There aways has been this pressure to make sure the home was in order when pops wasn’t home. 

I did a shitty job at that. 

Back to national sibling day. I want to celebrate this harder next year. Since I don’t have next year guaranteed, I am going to reach out to my bro and sisters this week and see if they wanna kick it. Just us 4. Just fucking kick it. Something I need to take advantage of while we are on this earth and sharing the same parents. 

Mario, Alicia, Bica (order by age not how much I love you, you all know who my favorite is so we don't have to go there...JK JK)

Love you three so much. You have been an inspiration and joy to my life during these dark times. I know I can always count on you for anything. I am sorry for not being the same. I promise to be a better me and make myself strong and reliable again so you can count on me when you need something. I would die and kill for all 3 of you. I know I suck at showing it sometime, but please know, you have been god sent in my life and I don't take our friendship for granted.  

The weird this is that I am a morning person. 

Last night I went to sleep at 12am and woke up this morning at 530 am. I thought to myself at first, “let me lay in bed a little longer”, who was I kidding? Yea right! Once I’m up, I’m up! I think it happened maybe a handful of times where I was able to go back to sleep. 

I remember my days in jail, they would ask us to get up at 5am for “walk through” (this is basically where the sheriffs just walk through the dorm), than breakfast would come around 30 minutes later. The whole process took an hour and a half due to the fact that all 4 dorms in that structure had to be up and ready. 

We were probably having breakfast around 7, than clean up, than we were allowed to sleep till 1030 am. 

There was this time after breakfast when everyone went to bed, that I felt a sense of privacy. It was the most quiet time in the dorm (including nighttime cause at that point some dude’s were in deep sleep, and it sounded like a swamp filled with frogs)! 

That time was special to me, no one bothered me, I didn't have to share my coffee, I can draw, write, or just read in peace. The most important thing about the morning for me was feeling rested and ready to take on the day.

Most of my anxieties kick in at night. The night is where I make mistakes. Get emotional. Think about the darkest stuff. The night is where I live in the past or dream of the future, I think it’s why I can’t sleep. To live in the present is easy when you are surrounding by someone or something, but at night, it’s just you and your head. I remember being in high school, and just tossing and turning in my bed. As a child I would need my mom to rub my back just to fall asleep. I remember needing to sleep with my parents and waking up on my own bed and being angry that they didn’t let me sleep with them (lol, I am the oldest of four, I get it know #smh)

At night I think about the mistakes I have made in the past and they haunt me. I just finished a documentary and it’s in the process of being submitted. Prior to that I made some mistakes that landed me in jail for 6 months losing a lot of that whole year. Trying to rebuild my life after that has been one of the most difficult things in my life. Not only that, right after that I really lost my business and ex girlfriend.

Now at night, all I can think about is where my next pay check is coming from. I always stressed about it, but not the way I have this time. I always knew I had money coming in, but it was a matter of sustaining an irresponsible life style. Supplying party favors almost every other night to “friends” and I. Being that guy who says, “I got this”, at the bar or at a restaurant, and trying to impress chicks.

Little by little, I made lots of mistakes that caused me to lose business and bring me to where I am today.

I guess what I am grateful for is I live near my family, I am alive, and I’m not writing about my feelings on tissue paper.

i wish I had much to say about this. Honesty sucks, but it's so good. The best thing that happened to me was my decisions to be honest. Its a tough thing to do. 

We create oursleves to be people we are not. 

We tell everyone how good our day is when it sucks. 

We cover up the things that we are ashamed of. 

I get it. 

This weekend I am headed to this place called White Raven Center. A good friend of mine recommended I join him and a couple others to this "healing place." It's inspired by the story of this guy #sethtaylor and his brother #davidglenntaylor. 

Book is called #feelslikeredemption

I figured if #robbell and #craiggross endorse it, and a philosopher I greatly respect #peterrollins, is quoted, I would give it a shot. 

If you are anything like me, you have shit that holds you back from being happy, finding rest, feeling alive, etc. 

I used to think that everyone had the same problems as me, but after living a little (I turned 30 this month), I realized that not everyone has dealt with the kinda shit I've dealt with or at least has had similar experiences. 

I also have learned that there are people who have shared a relatable story, and have found their way out.   

I've tried several things in my life. I've studied a bit of Buddhism and went to a temple for a bit, tried out Scientology, and right now working on my Confirmation with the Catholic faith. Not so much because I think it's the answer, but because I believe in the bigger picture of Christians not being separated. 

Thats not the point. 

Nothing has worked.

I can't pin point where it began, but for as long as I can remember, I've always have had a hard time sleeping. This no sleep lifestyle has brought about a lot of depression and anxieties and I would medicated it with booze and drugs. 

I hate it. 

My friends and family have seen it destroy my life. 

I have been learning how to not numb myself, but it's not enough, I still get anxieties and i just can't find a state of rest where I can just sleep.  

This year and last has been a time of strengthening and healing. I have lost a lot but have also gained so much. I regret so much in my life, but greatful for what I still have and the knowledge I have gained. 

This place, I am headed to this weekend, seems crazy and I am having my doubts. I started off excited, now I'm getting nervous.

I usually get lost on this website. 

Probably my favorite website besides my own. 

I don't know where to begin to even discuss the wisdom I didn't get to accumulate in my 20's.

I have a list of things I regret, and I am more than open to share that with you if you ask me personally, in the mean time here is what I don't regret:

1. Transparency

2. Vulnerability

3. Caring.

4. Being Christian. 

5. Associating myself with people who might embarrass me. 

6. Going to Cuba. 

7. Caring about 3rd world problems. - Like water, aids, and hunger. 

8. Rapping

9. Skate boarding

10. ?

11. Late nights editing. 

12. Moving to LA. 

13. Realizing that open-mindedness is the purest form of close-mindedness. 

i love being an american

i also hate that most people are slaves in this country. slaves to the 9-5. slaves to vacation time, the weekend, a house, car, going out for dinner, that "designer" shirt, pant, scarf, hat, wallet, watch, fucking underwear. 

Independence means nothing, other than you are a slave to the latest organization you are a part of.

Think about it

You have people seeing through your clothes at the airport. 

You borrow money and now have a credit "score".

You pay the IRS (God know how much money) ...btw the Internal Revenue System is an agency HIRED by the US to collect your money. You understand that right? Most people don't. They think IRS is part of the government. 

I really love the 4th of July, simply because I am a Capitalist. That's what 4th of July means to me. The freedom to profit.

A part of me is socialist as well...tribal, thinking about the good of all. It sounds pretty on paper, but unless I look out for myself, I can't help others....wait..

I wrote a blog about one of the 2 sisters that I have that never got published. Reason being, well, I mess up a lot of things, but we can go through that later. 

My sister ALICIA

Way more responsible than me. Here are 12 things that everyone should know. 

1. Born with messed up legs...guess what, she can walk. 

2. Had the cutest bangs, sorry bica...

3. She loves children, I dont remember meeting someone so centered, controlled and able to compose themselves with a bunch of lil shorties running around. 

4. Her patience and understanding to people and life is worth bragging about. (Seriously, she deals with my retardedness about 4 weeks a year.)

5. Sometimes I feel she is my aunt...I know, weird. 

6. She calls me Samuel... I call that respect. 

7. Amazing sense of humor, she just enjoys laughing, say something dumb, she'll laugh so you don't feel bad. 

8. Wait, did I just explain she is compassionate. Yep, such good manners...she's in the business of meeting you on your level. 

9 Maturity. Her emotional Intelligence is so good. She can feel if something is off, she won't call it out, only if she needs to, and if she has too...shoot. Good luck. 

16 facts about my father. 

A collection of thoughts in no particular order. 

1. Crossed the border illegally several times and thats why I am here. 

2. Had several business' and gave them up for a pure and honest life. 

3. Doesn't take "no" for an answer. 

4. The most creative carpenter you will ever meet. This guy can build anything. 

5. Self taught carpenter, electrician, plumber, mechanic, the english language. 

6. He's a pastor (and the true definition of one.)

7. Loves to BBQ. 

8. Pool table shark. 

9. Taught me how to knot a tie. 

10. Kicked my ass several times for talking back to my mom. (I am younger and taller than him and can still kick my ass and probably yours.)

11. Loves to go camping. I remember pitching my first tent with him. 

12. Made me tile a whole house once. Literally, like tile the floor. 

13. He said several times growing up, "I hope you become better than me."

14. If you get him laughing, its an amazing feeling of accomplishment. 

15. Will wrap his finger with electric tape before getting stitches. 

16. I grew up calling him "jefe", which means "boss" in spanish. 

My father really taught me what love is. Love means dedication, honesty, loyalty, respect, kindness, humility and oddly enough, pride. Oh yea, by the way, I am machismo as hell thanks to him and damn proud of it. It's a lost art in today's man culture. 

I am working on a film about my pop's life. Here is the playlist of music I have been collecting that will be the soundtrack for it. 

Latin Mafia

i wish this struggle was good. i wish i had a product that i had to show for. ive been involved with stuff that have made it successful do to the fact that i am a starter and i need to embrace that strength. 

ive been working on this documentary for quite some time and being a shooter, to growing and learning about filmmaking, to piecing the project together i am learning a lot. 

when it comes to documentaries, unless you physically shot it, ur not a director. im convinced every camera man is a director and the editor is a director as well. 

if the editor ends up on his own, im convinced he is the boss in charge. 

creativity is a bitch. so is story telling and filmmaking.