nOtSaMmIe

it doesn’t know why this date will make my chest tighten

Why my hands will shake when I flip the page

Why I’ll cry before it even comes

To the world it’s just another square on a page

A Tuesday

a Thursday

another ordinary day

But to me..

It will be the day you should’ve been here with me

The day I should have been labouring, pushing, crying, yelling and screaming to get to finally meet and hold you in my arms

Instead it’s an empty due date

no balloons

No announcements

no baby to lay against my chest

Just pure silence where new life should have been

Just grief that no one else circles on their calendar but me

They say time will ease it, but all who say it haven’t gone through it

But every year this day will come back around and every year I will break all over again

Because to me the date isn’t just a number

it’s a reminder of everything I’ve lost

everything I’ll never get to celebrate

and the cruelest part?

the world will continue to move on like it’s just any other day

Here I lay, again trying to make sense of everything and still there’s nothing i can possibly understand. 

Why were you sent to us in the state we are? 

Us as parents? when everything was so fucking hard! 

The  visions I’ve had, if only I could go back far,  she would be sitting on my lap, happily giggling and smiling as you serenade us both with your guitar. 

Instead all I’m left with is this burning hollowing. There’s no way else to describe it. My whole body is emptiness. It’s numb and it aches. For every single day and from this day forward it will be a continuous reminder of my mistakes. 

My choices were unhealthy to cope through an incredibly rough time, but I could feel you slipping away while I had no idea she was growing inside. I was losing my best friend, I was growing another. I felt like I was losing my mind. Baby and i began to only rely on each other. 

 I needed for you to want to stay more than any amount of words could say. But not just speak and run away but actually do your duty and stay, stay, JUST STAY. for I think of the many choices I had to make in such a minute amount of time. I don’t doubt that perhaps things may have been very different, had you been by my side

Our baby girl we so magically conceived  would be here in our arms and not up there  with nana in her beautiful white dress with  her big blue bow and eyes, where I don’t  even know where she really is or if there’s anything she needs. 

Stripped from my womb. The pain you’ll never know, oh the suffering that will follow me forever from this. I hope one day you’ll understand to know. The trials and tribulations I had to endure alone. 

I miss my baby more than I want to breathe I want to go and leave this earth to take care of my baby’s needs. 

I miss you every day in every way 

How you would have felt 

How your kicks would have made my heart and soul melt 

Instead I sit inside my body like it’s just some kind of empty shell 

There’s nothing left here of substance it just feels like a continuum hell 

Those who know may as well not, they do nothing to help me they just allow me to rot

Those that don’t will eventually grow to leave me for good and so they should. i wouldn’t want to be close to a sinner that goes through life doing anything but good 

It Wouldn’t have been fair to keep you here when 

I couldnt have ever protected you from those who would’ve hurt you, those who were near. 

It would’ve just been you and me, but mummy couldn’t offer you the things you deserved from this world, the things you needed to see.

But maybe I would have been enough for you, in my dreams we work. I’m good, im doing it and I’m not this horrible mum who threw you away. I’ll never know how or why but maybe you were meant to stay. Mummy will never forgive herself for the choices she felt she had no choice but to make. 

Weak 

Weak without you, weak wondering about you, weak just with the want to want you 

My heart aches on the daily, to feel you inside me, to be moving, full of life and love.

Was it my karma that meant you couldn’t stay with me. I miss you more than I’ve missed anyone and I’ve never even laid my eyes on you,

Every single day. Less I can explain, nothing to gain, I just lay here in pain. 

My baby will always be from afar but I so desperately want to feel you again inside me and for you to physically be mine

To wait an entire lifetime to meet you and see those beautiful eyes in real time, how does one come to terms with this? How can this just be fine? 

Hit her head and bruised her soul 

Life decided to be unkind 

It surprised her with her own little life 

Right inside 

But with no warning 

For weeks and weeks with no knowledge 

But it was anything but the right time or kind 

Little Sammie was sick 

Addicted to her core

She was so tired and relentlessly sore 

Daddy was arrogant and his performance was poor

Pretending mummy barely existed and out the door therefore she decided it best he didn’t know about you, how would it change anything and what for? 

Little Sammie left alone defenceless but unknowingly growing a miracle inside 

Unfortunately all Sammie was interested in was running from the world, all she wanted was to pretend she didn’t exist. she swallowed everything under the sun to ensure her journey continued where she could continue to hide 

Her precious ray of sunshine was clouded by the storms that continued to hit and despite what little Sammie thought or wanted big Sammie had to make the decision with her doctors to take her precious ray of sunshine away, oh the immense pains from that day still echoes through her veins.

Lost heartbroken and alone she was taken to a room of doom where her ray of sunshine was left behind and out she came the other side, with all her will to live still left back with her little Ray of sunshine left locked back inside. 

The gates were forever closed her entire being lost its entirety of its glow. 

Since then there’s been nothing but clouds each and every day, with the sun no longer in play. Her life choices were stolen from her and forced she was, as she usually is, to obey, obey obey. Get over it Sammie it’s just another day.