Eating my wings to make me tame

I’m sitting at the coffee shop having a sip and enjoying that my little one is napping.

I look over and see this cute little girl, she’s definitely past a year and both of her parents are holding her hand.

And I can’t help but tear up.

I want that.

So bad.

Or maybe I have but it was something around the lines of he’s never going to be with you.

I did choose to have my daughter and I sacrificed a lot.

I sacrificed friends.

My life.

I’m just sad.

I’ve finally made the move to set boundaries.

Told him to only contact when it’s related to the baby.

I’ve tried very hard to show him how much he means to me.

I keep trying to make up for everything but what’s the point?

He doesn’t care.

I don’t understand what happened.

He was out all weekend, called me while he was out, vented to me, called me a good mom and now look.

We argue and I get told how this is all my fault how Annie will never be happy and how he’ll never make Annie happy.

You’re right.

You never will.

You were cheating on her before me.

You would have cheated with someone else if it wasn’t me.

What about your nursing school mate?

What about the other girls before me?

What about the times you said you were forced by her to be with her?

You weren’t happy in the first place why did you keep looking for me?

Why did you tell me you loved me then?

While I was recovering from my amniocentesis you were in Seattle with Annie, care free, not giving a fuck about me.

You have no room for me.

You never had the intention of making room for me.

This isn’t all my fault.

You refuse to take accountability.

You kept fucking me.

You got me pregnant.

You weren’t going to be there for the abortion, you weren’t there while I was pregnant, you weren’t there when she was born, and you’re still not here.

I’m exhausted.

I know you’re not supposed to rely on people, but this little human makes everything worth it even when she’s having a meltdown.

My life could have gone a whole other direction.

I am a fatalist and everything happens for a reason.

I lost some friends.

To be honest they weren’t friends.

They were conditional friends.

I was close to someone I couldn’t really be myself.

Someone who would ghost me when I traveled.

Someone who I never truly felt they were happy for me.

Believe me I know what I did was wrong.

I should not have involved myself with someone who has in a committed relationship.

But someone else’s trauma regarding their family is not my business.

My past choices do not reflect my parenting.

All I gotta say is kindly fuck off.

I’m already out of your life you don’t need to make appearances.

I said it.

Get your prayers away from me

I’m a wretched human

Who said I didn’t give a fuck someone’s pet died.

Wooooo

Damn I’m just one bad thing after another

Why am I so desperate for you?

You’ve been trying to get back with her and you still are and I’m the idiot making you lunches, answering your calls, going above and beyond for you.

If I could I would fall off the face of the earth.

I would never have imagined you being this way.

Threatening to call the police on me for taking my daughter home.

Threatening to take me to court when things don’t go your way.

I’m you’re fucking prisoner.

I have to give you want you want in order for my daughter to lead a happy life.

Maybe the next 17+ years of my life be as peaceful as possible.

After today, don’t call me to vent.

Don’t call me when you’re scared.

Go to Annie or go to your friends.

Don’t call me for anything that doesn’t have to do with the little one.

Oh man I just saw a colleague get proposed in Japan and it hurt a lot.

I cried.

How stupid is that?

I think it just made me realize how alone I am.

My little one doesn’t fill that gaping hole.

I love her so much don’t get me wrong.

Perfect little thing.

If it’s one thing I hate is pretending to be something I’m not.

But at the same time I’m not sure I know who I am anymore.

It bothers me when you act like we’re friends and we’re not.

It bothers me how oblivious you are of my feelings or maybe you just don’t care.

I dOnT know how to handle this relationship.

I dOnT know if I’m doing the right thing.

I think that I need to step away and protect myself.

You’ve been clear with your feelings so why do I keep trying.

I do so much but you’re right.

It’s not the way I want to be thanked.

Maybe I hold on to the things you say to me, maybe I take them to heart.

I know I’ve had my share of hurtful words

I wish I never met you.

I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

No matter what choice I made, it wouldn’t have had a great outcome.