TBE

But since I last posted Cody got dropped off at my house by the cops, we get drunk together, the same night 5 cops come in my house arresting him. I can still hear him saying my name over and over again saying he was sorry. I told him I didn’t know what to do and was telling him I’m not mad at him. And I’m not. Just sad and anxious. I’ve never been through no shit like this before though. We talk on the phone but I do gotta pay smh. And I have been planning things out and tryin to help him get out. I’ve barely known him a month and I feel like I’ve known him for years, we been through so much together already, we met at both of our lowest points in life, we’ve been there for eachother since, we been to therapy sessions together, he has stood up for me because he knows I won’t, we have done drugs together, we’ve talked about being sober together, he was there for myself when I tried to kill myself and now this shit with him being in jail. he doesn’t pressure me to have sex even though we both want to so bad, he talks so me so sweet, we get along so well, we’re just both fucked up in the head, I mean we met in the mental hospital what could I expect? I just know for real we have a bond and I don’t want to lose it. So I’m just trying to help and love him like I have never been helped and love. I’m trying to heal him and myself, and it’ll be a lot of work but at least I know I’ll be loved, he makes me want to be alive. I love him so much.

You left me your sweatshirt because you knew we loved eachother you wore it while you were here and took it off and left it with me right before you left. I love you and want nothing but success and happiness for you. My heart hurts constantly for you since you left and I don’t know what to do. You came and stayed at my house with me for days after I tried to kill my self you were there more than anybody. And you barely knew me so I thank you for being my distraction but I also hate you because now what’s going to distract me while you’re gone? WHO?! Nobody. I’m constantly alone. I missed you after an hour of you being gone. Nobody understands my depression like you, we should’ve killed eachother like we said we would when we was fucked up lol. I would be okay right now not feeling or worrying about shit.

Isn’t supposed to make you happy or something? I always take it and feel worse.

Since my last text post I been fucking my life up. After a snorted that xanax the guy I mess with came over and snorted and gave me about 6+ E pills the whole night and we fuck and I tell him all about my depression and all that and he leaves and I try to OD on all the medication I had before I went back to work and was knocked out for 2 days and told my mom I wanted to go to a hospital and I tried to kill myself but any pictures of a hospital fucks with my head. And then the next night the guy I met at the mental hospital that has been fucking with my head since I met him stayed the night for 2 nights and we just relaxed and he was talking to me before I tried to kill myself and last night we snorted xanax and oxys and tonight we snorted E again like 3 of them. And I just feel depressed again because he left tonight and he’s going to jail tomorrow. And my life has just been fucked. And it’s literally been my mission to fuck my own life up fuck it tho.

I was in a mental hospital for a few days it was the worst experience of my life I never want to go back. It was fucking horrible. I fronted like I was okay the whole time so they would let me out early because if you show you’re not okay they make you stay longer and as soon as I got out and talked to my therapist and BROKE THE FUCK DOWN. Bawling my eyes out telling her I don’t want to go back there. Like that was just another traumatic experience I went through, another notch on my list of fucked up shit that’s happened to me. As soon as I got home I snorted some of my xanax when I usually just take them and smoked. All I wanted to do was get fucked up. Still do. My life got even harder bro.