Sam Ellen

Also, I came across the “Do More” motivational anthem thing from Casey Neistat. He has the words “do more” and “work harder” tattooed across his forearms. He’s my source of inspiration when it comes to pushing myself to keep going. If you haven’t heard of him, CHECK HIM OUT.

As we start to gather more and more clothing for our little guy, it’s easier to imagine him here. I can almost see him—wide eyed and wiggly, with tiny little feet and even tinier toes. I always picture him with Gannon’s dark hair, and Gannon’s dark eyes, and Gannon’s cute nose… basically I picture him the way I’ve seen Gannon in baby photos. Ha! And while I’m sure parts of me are bound to be woven into him, I definitely wouldn’t complain if our little boy came into this world with every one of his daddy’s features. ☺️

Though these days seem to be dragging us along by the scruff of our necks, And the air seems too thick with repetitiveness and routine, We must remind ourselves that we are not bound in chains. We are free to make our own decisions. We can choose to let go. And breathe. And dream. And do what they say we can’t. The only thing stopping us is our own fear. Or for some, laziness. And still for others, simple contentment with the system. So I challenge you to think— What is it you want? What are your dreams? What can you do in this moment to take a step away from your every day-to-day, And to take a step towards your most coveted dreams? One step is all you need for a change of perspective. For a breath of revitalizing fresh air. For a burst of pure motivation to take another, and yet another, step forward. So throw off your imaginative chains. Take control of your every day, And watch the world you once dread become your sanctuary.

And that’s what I want to say to anyone else struggling with old memories of miscarriage. There’s no rule that says you should be “over the pain” in “this amount of time”. The pain transforms, and gets easier to process, but it’s allowed to be there for years to come. Let it out, let it mold you, and let it remind you of who you are as a person. There’s no shame in grief, especially when grieving the loss of a child.

We always look back and remember the big moments in our lives. But what about all the little, simple, everyday moments that connect our favorite memories? Though they may slip through the cracks of our mind, those parts are just as important. ♡

Two days ago, we were in a car accident. Somehow there was no damage to our car (Buick’s are TANKS), but man did we get quite a jolt! One second we were waiting for traffic to pass at the end of an off ramp, the next, BAM. I remember those few seconds of impact vividly. First I felt the jolt, then I cried out and clasped both hands to my head, and then I panicked. Disoriented, I remember frantically touching my stomach and for some reason looked for blood. I eagerly listened to my body for contractions, half expected my water to break, and ran through a list of things to do should I go into labor. All of that had to last just mere seconds. Eventually, it became clear that everything was okay—besides the rush of adrenaline and that hard jolt, we were fine and soon were on our way again. For the next several hours, though, I grew more and more worried about our baby. My stomach was tight with Braxton Hicks and cramps for hours after the incident, and I didn’t feel him move that night when we went to bed. He’s normally a very active guy, so I couldn’t help but worry, especially with the accident replaying in my head over and over. Anyways, we ended up heading to the ER the next day just to make sure everything was okay. And of course, the second they got me hooked up to monitors, he started to kick and roll and punch his way around my womb. Figures. Ha. The monitor picked up several irregular contractions during our stay, but it turns out those were probably due to dehydration. Now I know that I’m slacking on water intake and can do my best to fix that problem. So in the end, I’m glad we went in. I was worried that I was making a big fuss over nothing, but I also realize that it’s now my job to worry. It’s in my nature to need to know that he’s safe, and since I can’t just ask him right now (ha), I’m happy we sought help from people who could check. Plus, I got to hear his little heart pounding away again, which is always amazing to hear!

There’s a story behind these photos! Yesterday, Gannon and I celebrated our 2nd Anniversary and I just found myself completely blown away that it’s already been over two years since he proposed. It feels like just yesterday when we drove hours west into breathtaking autumn foliage to some of Michigan’s most beautiful dunes. I remember we picked up a pizza somewhere, and headed into Sleepy Bear Dunes National Park thinking we could have a little picnic overlooking Lake Michigan. When we arrived, we hiked up a hill, set up our picnic, took two bites, and decided to race back to the car—it was COLD! Eating in the car was still special though. Ha! I was suspicious that Gannon might pop the question that day. I curled my hair and chose a lighter (more stylish) jacket than I should have just so I could feel confident and better enjoy the moment if it happened. But when “the moment” unfolded before me, I was clueless. I was simply enjoying the views and my time with Gannon; all nerves and questions about a possible proposal vanished. So there we were. Our pizza finished, we hiked to another outlook overlooking a vast maze of dunes. Gannon brought his tripod and film camera so we could take some photos along the way—I didn’t even think twice about it. We reached a gorgeous and private spot and I posed so Gannon could set up the camera just where he wanted it. Suddenly I heard him running and turned around to see him race towards me, drop to one knee, and pull out a ring. It really couldn’t have been a more perfect surprise, and I’m so ridiculously thrilled that he was able to capture our joy in a series of timed shots. Out of every photo we’ve ever taken, those photos are my favorite. I know that no matter what goes on in life, I’ll always have those images to throw me back into one of the most surreal and beautiful moments of my life. And now here we are, living in our fourth home together, a baby on the way, and only two years in—how crazy is it that we have a lifetime ahead of us still?! That’s something I can’t wrap my head around, but can’t wait to experience. ♡

If you’re ever in need of a cute and sweet gift idea for your significant other, I’ve got just the thing! Back when we were dating, Gannon gave me a little jar filled with 50 slips of paper, each of which had a statement of “why he loved me” handwritten across it. It was such a simple idea, but one that you knew had to take time and energy and love. And as an added bonus, the jar looks so cute on my desk and I can always look at it throughout my day! I absolutely love thoughtful and creative gifts like this. ♡

Yesterday, I had the best birthday surprise ever. As Gannon and I snuggled into bed for the night, he rest his hand on my tummy and after some time, felt two little kicks, one right after the other. I’m only just now beginning to really feel those tiny karate chops and jabs, so for us both to feel two kicks at the same time was such an amazing experience. It was the perfect way to wrap up my birthday, and the perfect beginning to this next year ahead of me. And the moment also reminded me that this it—I get to become a mom as a 23 year old. I’m too excited! ♡

And ironically, I've always seen the stars as my inspiration. They're a reminder to never lose sight of what gets the fire burning in my soul. They bring out the child in me, and ignite my desire to create. What a perfect quote. It's one I'll always look to for guidance and alignment.

Words can't express how happy I am to announce this! Our first little one is due in May!! Walking back into the doctor's office, knowing that they were going to do an ultrasound, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was so nauseated with nerves and worry, and even full of dread. But instantly we saw the heart flickering like a firefly on the screen, followed by several kicks and little wiggles, and I could breathe for the first time in the past twelve weeks. It's such a relief to finally see our baby and know that everything is okay. I've got so much I want to say and share, but I'll save all of that for upcoming videos and posts. For now, I just want to say thank you to everyone who offered encouragements when things were tough. I'm so excited to finally share this happy journey with you!! ♡

I'm here. It's so wonderful to feel the souls that once danced on these shores. It's easy to imagine those ancient peoples, with modern emotions and unavoidable anxieties. It's soothing to watch them, in my mind, sitting here as I do now. Toes in the sand, golden backs bathed in sunlight, the waves kissing the shore ahead— It's always the same. There's always this place. A place to escape and breathe and feel. A world that leaves you calm, that makes you forget why you ever clenched your fists in the first place. A force that pulls you into alignment And rids the mess from your head. It's surrounding us. It's the wind across the waters and the leaves on the trees and the dew glistening in the meadows. It's the only constant to have ever been. It was here for them long ago, and is here with us now. It's beautiful, resilient, and forgiving. It's the world in which we live, graciously providing relief from our distracted lives when needed most. It's where I am now. It's here, on this shore. It's where others sat before.

We think we are beautiful.  We are but specks. We tarnish the World. She opens her arms wide, involuntarily but generously nonetheless, and compassionately urges us to dance amid the lush beauty of her shadow. We pull away from her gentle grasp, puff our little chests at her feet, and scream that we can thrive alone. We can be independent. We can be better. Breathe freer. Live wiser. We see progress. We see our strengths double with the birth of each new generation. We see comfort available at our every fingertip and praise our tireless efforts. We see beauty and generosity saturating our agendas. We see only what we can see. She sees specks. She sees deep wounds. She sees an ever growing, forever growling, multitude of black specks, dismembering whatever crosses its damaged vision of a perfect world. She sees the Ocean weep, his belly full of passively forgotten sludge, his kingdom riddled with dead—the very bodies he vowed to protect. She hears the forests moan as they lament the beauty stripped from their sacred and once enchanted boughs. She watches the stars’ brilliance dim with every passing century, their light choked into nothingness at the hands of a thirsty smog. Like a serpent, it stalks the valleys and climbs the mountaintops with an appetite for all that is pure. She sees the poison of an ungrateful nation seep into every crevice of her being. A world full of insignificant, arrogant, soiled beings striving for recognition. Mere specks seeking eternal authority over their brothers and sisters, the very creatures that walk the same sands and breathe the same air from birth to death. A collective body of toxic motives, compulsively pushing her gifts aside to make room for their mechanical idols. We think we are beautiful. She sees us for what we are. We are but specks. We tarnish the World.

To brush the salt from my red lips and bronzed skin,  To scan the horizon in awe of the sea's vastness, To feel the strength of the waves that threaten to sweep me off my feet, To fill my lungs with clean air and bury my toes in cold sand, This is life. What a beautiful world it is in which we live.

Today I posted a video to YouTube further explaining my experience with miscarriage. The goal is to spread awareness and a clearer understanding of this thing that is so unexplainable. I hope to dive into this topic in more detail down the road, but in the meantime, hopefully my story can help anyone else going through this. ♡

I woke up on the right side of the bed today, feeling motivated to take advantage of the beautiful weather we were blessed with. So, I grabbed some cameras and a heavy tripod and lugged my gear down to a secluded stream in the middle of my bustling city. It felt so good to escape and be totally alone, doing the things I love to do. Which, by the way, is my message for you all today—make sure that you make time for the things that make you really, truly, happy. I’m talking the kind of happy that is unmatched by all of your other favorite hobbies. Make time for your secret joys, your guilty pleasures, your routines that release all of your pent up energy and stress. Be creative! Be adventurous! Be kind to yourself, because you deserve it! You’ll never regret taking time for yourself every once in a while.

Soaking in a hot lavender bath before a night of yoga and journaling? Yes please!! Bath time has become such a relaxing and soothing time for me. It's important to find those little things in life that make your day a bit brighter and allow you to let go of daily stresses, anxieties, and nerves. Find something that you can look forward to each and every day, and commit to treating yourself with your routine consistently—you'll find that no matter what is happening in your crazy, hectic life, you'll always have your "me time" to look forward to!