he doesn't love me. he only wasted SIX YEARS of my life telling me he did, and i swear to god, fucking at least 20 other girls behind my back that i'm slowly becoming aware of. the day before he went to see you, he tried to have sex with me, and when that didn't work, he cried and said "i thought we were going to get back together". this was after he told me he might not be in love with me. and he never told me he was going to see you. and he lied to my face. multiple times. no big deal, right? wrong.
he is SO FUCKED in the head!! what he didn't tell you was not about me, who knows if he did, but about some poor girl he probably met on tinder. included is a conversation you might like to read, incase you get any ideas about brendan being worthy of even a fraction of a second of your time.
brendan has been doing this to me for so long that i am mostly angry i never understood the depth of his mental wading pool, and just how diseased it is. i can go back years, and i tell you, the story is always the same. he's going to change. he loves you. he's going to marry you. he's fucking randoms because "it was a mistake", and he won't do it again. it's like he needs you to be around for when he's too lonely. what a PSYCHO.
should we tell this poor tinderella? do you want to blow it up? either way, please don't tell him i contacted you. honestly, i was just waiting for him to prove to me that i am not the crazy one, and then i'd cut his number off my plan. i hope you don't think it is super invasive of me, but i think you understand! -Tracy
He doesn't love me either. This is my story. The first time I should have known. Brendan had visited JP and I twice. For Thanksgiving and Christmas 2011. When I really started to try to understand Brendan we were at the hospital with JP's family waiting room.. waiting to see what the inevitable. He was his best friend, I was his girlfriend, and we were awaiting the fate of the man we loved. In matter of weeks our world changed. And the next time I saw Brendan, JP was gone from our lives forever. We felt the pain we never imagined possible. Our lives had changed and we had no idea in what way.
The first sign.. The night of JP's memorial. We had been drinking and celebrating the man we all loved, the man who held who held our hearts. Everyone had gone to bed and those that couldn't let it be done stayed awake. And he spoke. Brendan spoke of the women he'd done wrong, the women he fooled into love, the women JP loved for him, the life he wished to live. About 3 years ago Brendan spoke of wanting to change, to be a better man... for JP, for him, for life and for those he's hurt. He wanted to start tomorrow by telling every woman he's lied to the truth. He wanted real life and love. Sounds all good. During his drunken diatribe he was also rubbing the leg of a woman he'd barely met, Courtney, subsequently soliciting her to bed with him. Thankfully she declined.
JP's funeral. We are a family of love for the same damn reason. Brendan asked his father how to deal with the lose of a best friend. His response: take care of Laura. And from that day forward he did. He called me. I could call him any time of the night and I did. We cried together, over the phone we drank together, we mourned, we relived. In the meantime we got to know each other. I learned about the girl Ali from Australia, the girl Tracy, the girl Nicole, the girls that gave him the callsign double ugly, the young girl he was intrigued by, the bartender with a double D bra. H...
Seriously... so, I would never ordinarily start off a conversation with "seriously", but I'm otherwise completely lost for words. It truly disturbs me that someone can be so...empty. I never thought I would have a discussion with you in which we may agree on something, but then again, how deluded I was. Even now, this conversation is...confusing. I find comfort in knowing I haven't been imagining it this whole time, but now I'm struck with the thought- Poor Kid. He's real messed up. I try to wrap my head around the possibilities, but I come up with nothing that is more palatable than- He's a predator and I'm just one of the unlucky. I'm somewhat baffled that I never thought I would be in the position I am now in- now a feeling of complete violation, body mind and soul, and I'm stunned I now feel that I never knew who he was, and it's scary. I'm having so many thoughts that it's definitely sensory overload. So actually, it's good to write about it. So thanks for that.
If you want to continue telling your story, because it kind of seemed like you do, and like I said, it's therapeutic, as well as, mostly I'm interested in exploring the missing pieces of this mind-fuck of a puzzle that has consumed too many of our good faculties. I'm in a strange place where I not only don't know how to feel about this, because anger is so taxing, and I'm in a strange place because the fool lives right down the street from me! Wow, did I mess up allowing that to happen. At least you can walk away. Fly away. Drive away. It could be a country song.
You told me some stuff in your email that I didn't know about- about this Courtney girl who sounds like she has her head on straight. I am shocked still at what an absolute pig Brendan is. I have a number of stories, but none that should be relayed so as to save my heart the stress, literally. I'm trying not to be angry, but I don't know. And I'm not sure if I just shouldn't be mad at myself for being so naïve. Truly, there is no one to blame but myself. But damnit, I still feel like I got set up. Like I got used. And who does that?!...But... I don't worry too much that he's going to get away with what he's done to us and so many past and future girls, because I know he lives his own personal hell every day. And that sucks for him, but I won't be a victim of it anymore. He'll never be able to love. And he'll always be a child.
As for the Tinder girl, I was actually going to ask you for input. My vision was beautiful: you and I meet up and just so happen to find ourselves in the same place as Brendan and Tinderella. That's where the most uncomfortable shut down would occur. You know, girl power. Like HOW DARE YOU?! * in the tone of an angry black woman*.
But you are gone from Florida now I think, but I can still fantasize about a good public lashing.
But what do you think? I feel torn- stay out of the situation, or do I have a moral obligation to warn the poor girl? Or is this push of conscience just a manifestation of my voracious appetite for revenge? Haha...ha? I don't know what I want, I mean, it even took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted to say here, and I'm still not sure I've quite gotten it. I guess, if there is a take away in any of this- he is a sociopath. Lesson learned. I mean... I could go on all night with the outrages! ...but I would still never understand it. I'm just...at a loss.
Exhausted. Something I feel that maybe only you can truly understand.
He told me a lot (I thought) about himself. How he'd never opened up to a girl, how he wanted true love and how he was disappointed in the man he was. I invited him to be a part of my trip across country. During that trip we spoke about every day. He told me that he'd be breaking up with his girlfriend, you, because it was a mutual understanding that it'd never work. You had come to VA to visit, to end things in person, you shared champagne, you had sex, and you ended it. No more then a week later he met me on the road in Michigan and on the first night in my grandmother's house he tried to sleep with me. I remember feeling betrayed and guilty. This was the man who was my friend, his best friend's girl, and the last person I suspected that from.
From there it all happened like clock work. He claimed falling in love, that it was meant to be, JP would want this for us. We were in a relationship.
He deployed. I got letters and letters expressing love, desire, and fate. I was it for him. I started to believe that perhaps it was true.
Second sign. He came home for Christmas from deployment. He first went home to his family then we had new years eve together in Colorado. That night we argued. After tears and confessions, I went to bed while nearly 15 feet from our bed he was reaching out to you...."Hey T, hey B." He mentioned being in Colorado but not with me. He said he was respecting your wishes of not talking about me. I realized you and him were still in pretty regular communication and still had a connection. I was shocked. I was very hurt that he wouldn't include me as part of your conversations, that I was being hidden. I thought you were just friends, why would he have to hide me? I got angry, I questioned it, I asked him for the truth and ultimately I was left feeling lied to, and fake and used. A month later I witnessed the depth of your relationship and I broke up with him. I refuse to be the stupid other girl. And I was. There was clearly unfinished business between you. He had been with me in California when I saw all of the tons of emails written back and forth. They looked oddly similar to those conversations him and I were having. The intimacy I thought was only between us he was sharing with you too. That was the first time he broke my heart. I knew I was a fool, I knew I was betrayed and deep down I knew he couldn't really love me.
His mother sent me a hand written letter. "I was the only girl she'd seen him love. He loves me truly, her son was a stupid boy who made a mistake." Well, shit. His own mother stepped in. Must be real, right? He sent you an email saying you couldn't be friends and I reluctantly gave him another chance.
The next year went on, he came back from second deployment, we made a few vacations. Then it was time for orders. He loved me, wanted to marry me, I was the woman of his dreams he said. Yet he went to Pensacola vice any place that would have made our relationship possible. I knew at that moment we were over. I knew he was going back to you, Tracy, the girl he couldn't actually give up. But he continued to lie. He lied and lied. I knew it in my heart but couldn't quite prove it. He kept swearing we were meant to be.
He made a trip to Pensacola with Kate and Ryan. It was around Christmas time. It would have been our last couple months together before he moved away to Florida with no real, honest commitment on how we were going to make it work. He didn't seem to care. I broke up with him again. I knew he was c going back there and would be with you. I refused to be the woman cheated on by the dishonest guy.
But I loved him. I thought he was confused and desperate. To be back to the place where his best friend, Fallon, was, where he and JP had been so close, and ultimately, I believed to be with you again. And that's exactly what he did. He never admitted it. He left my house January 30 promising his love to me, saying he'd prove it, and that he'd make this work. One week later he was in Pensacola, with you, and didn't talk to me again. His family and friends seemed very happy to see the two of you together again. It was official, I was tagged out, you were in. That was the second time he broke my heart.
I guess you two broke up. Because about a year later I got the apology email, the apology voicemails, the texts...and even the reach out through JP's family to get to me. Why? To say he's sorry I guess? Wrong again.
Perhaps he was lonely. I don't know what he expected from me from the other side of the country. But he made promises of wanting to rebuild a friendship and show that be still cares. He asked JP's parents to pass along his new number. For a long time I ignored him.
The third and final time he crushed my heart. You can guess how the story goes from here. I had three weeks in Fort Walton with him just around the corner. All I wanted from him was to get JP's things. He gave me the run around about not being able to find them. And on the first night I agreed to see him anyway, after his tears of regret, he tried to sleep with me. I remember feeling and thinking that that was not what he should be trying to do if all he wanted was a friendship with me. But then came the I love yous, the I never stopped thinking about you, I want to marry you...foolishly there was an ounce of me that wanted to believe him. He was so convincing. He said he came back to you because he knew you loved him unconditionally, and he was trying to do the right thing to make it work with you. But he pulled at my heart strings saying that every day he thought about me, never stopped loving me, he just figured he could never replace JP, so he was trying to move on. He truly played right to my heart just to get straight into my pants. We layed in bed together. He kissed me and held me, told me I was an amazing woman and how much he missed me.
The day that I left it all came together. I'd called him late the night before and caught him in a lie. And as I was leaving town I told him all over again how much he'd hurt me and how I hate who he is. And then I saw your email. It all makes sense, my instincts were right. Only moments after leaving my bed he was already convincing the next girl into his.
It's no shocker that as soon as I left Florida he went silent again. He no longer has a use for me. He never intended to be my friend, or prove his love and marry me. He never intended to even treat me like a human being. He used every excuse under the sun, played a really smart game with me and got exactly what he wanted. And I'm still left only wanting JP's things.
It's heartbreaking what he does. He's sick. It's cruel.
So you have my story in a nutshell. I hope you're able to stay out of his sick and twisted poisonous web of lies. As for the poor other girls, I don't know. As for me, I'm going to rid him from my life and never be fooled again.
That is an excellent story and I hope it proves to be the necessary growing experience that leads you to where you deserve to be. I can't even tell you mine, as it spans six years and so many moments of heartbreak that I was afraid I would never be whole again. But I'm getting there, and I finally remember who I am again, thank God. I thought I would never find myself again.
A lot of the things you said I didn't even know about. I didn't know we were breaking up. I didn't know he was hiding you, or he was hiding me. And it made it all the more difficult when I also received hand-written letters from both his mother and his father saying the EXACT SAME THINGS. I now see where he gets it, and too bad for him, it probably just means he's beyond screwed up.
Thank you for sharing. You've helped me gain the perspective I was fooled out of having for so long. I am moving on, and I will NEVER even consider being friends with him again, no matter how many of those one-year spans pass. I'm sorry for all the heartbreak, because I've gone through it so many times with him that I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except for one person.
I emailed that girl. I don't know what will come of it, but I've said my piece, and I won't say any more. Obviously he's a raging narcissist and the only way to hurt him is to leave for good, and the only way to leave for good is to actually leave. So here I go!
Take care, Laura. I wish you all the best. I really appreciate you sharing with me, and despite us never having met, I like to think we've shared more real friendship than Brendan will ever have in his life with anyone. If you're ever back around the area, look me up. It's been a wild ride!
Tracy, God do I understand. I feel the same. I know it'd be wiser to just walk away from this and start erasing him from my memory, not allow myself to continue to let him occupy my resources. But I too deeply desire the public lashing, I have rage and anger that needs a place to settle. I envision a similar moment, when the look on his face is shock, when he realizes his mind game is over and he's lost, his precious little pawns that he played for years have finally fought back. And there is something inside saying I'm obligated to not be quiet. But you're also right in that we know he's living his own personal hell. I believe that. I doubt we could ever hurt him back the way he's hurt us. He will more likely feel pain in some other way. I want revenge also, and those damn thoughts consume me too to the point of exhaustion. I know that feeling all too well, exhaustion from thoughts, endless thinking. I don't know the right way to deal with it. Maybe we could speculate all the ways to watch him burn until there are no more. Unfortunately doing that keeps him on my mind and he's not worth it!
I cannot understand his emptiness either, perhaps because we have a heart and soul. We hurt because we have cared and we loved, deeply and honestly. Our hearts were raped. Completely preyed upon and taken advantage of. Our minds were completely misled, fooled. Our bodies, well, also used. It is sickening.
I'm very glad you reached out to me. For a long time I've felt very alone in trying to understand him, choosing to forgive him, justifying his actions, hating him, wanting revenge, but trying to move on, and also still believing that perhaps I may love him. I personally always felt you and I could have a discussion and agree on something, it's no surprise it's Brendan, and I bet there'd be more.
I did just fly away from Florida with a promise to myself to never look back. You live with reminders and his presence every day. I'm so sorry for that.
I will tell you what people who truly care about me have said and the advice I'm trying to live by. I hope that this time around will be easier because I went through this a year ago. And I spent that year committed to myself and only a few close friends who really helped me through. I'm better equipped this time. The only difference for me is that my suspicions have been confirmed and the depth of his sickness has been revealed, and as you said it, he's diseased and that's difficult to comprehend. More difficult to admit, he's played me, hard, for a second time and I may never understand it.
My advice is this. Do whatever it is you have to do for YOU first and foremost. If that means putting the puzzle pieces together to try to understand, do that. But once you've written that whole story in your mind, you should burn it to ashes. He's no longer worth your mind. Tend to your own heart. Talk to everyone who makes you feel good, believe them when they tell you how good you are, and let them be strong for you sometimes. That's what they're there for. He's no longer worth your heart. Make yourself better again, no matter how long it takes, there's no timeline, but I promise one day you'll wake up and you'll feel it. You'll feel renewed and you'll know without a doubt he can never reach your soul. He never earned a piece of your soul. Take care of your body, of course. I fail at this every day and I know that certainly is not an issue for you, so yay, keep it up! Don't let him touch your body again. And no matter how hard it hurts and how angry and sad we may be, THIS IS NOT OUR FAULT. We are strong, we are smart, we a beautiful and we are better than him. Allow yourself to feel bad. Acknowledge the pain then do whatever it takes to let it go. He may have won us over a few times, but now, thank God, our spirit is free! He is still shackled by whatever makes him that way, he is not free. Run far and run wild, you are free at last!
I'm here in any capacity you'd me. It's a crazy journey, welcome to what will soon be the best days of our lives!
I'll be admiring your continued courage.
The nicest email I've ever hoped to get. Your words should be framed on my wall. BURN IT TO ASHES. It's just so hard when he's so...dumb. It's incredible actually. I am not even going to go there, but I'm baffled that I told this other girl to "RUN!!" and like two hours later, she asks him about it and then sends him half-naked pictures of herself. Luckily, she's a local celebrity news anchor who puts her privacy above all else, with the exception of intelligence. Just. So. Dumb. I shake my head and smile at the same time. That's the face of disbelief and hesitant entertainment. Is is ok we laugh about this? Oh, it is? Well then, I feel kind of weird, but I'm also totally amused!
As for that statement about taking care of my body, you don't even know. Not yay for me. I have been nursing a snowboarding injury for the last six months, and I haven't been able to burn off any steam, so you know what I do? I stew about it, never able to have one of those exercise induced moments of clarity, and I get pissed off, drink a bottle of wine and chain-smoke cigarettes until I likely do it again the next day. I'm falling apart. The time I need to get out and go for a run more than ever and I can't even think about it. That's actually been the worst part about all of this. I'm trapped.
I'm trapped physically, I'm trapped mentally, so clearly I need a change. I want to go to Morocco for a week in June. You like to kiteboard, surf, or do yoga? Check this out. http://www.kite-sisters.com/kite-camps/kiteboarding-yoga-surf/essaouira-morocco-june-201/
Fury, disbelief and mild amusement is exactly right! You did your part to warn her, that's all you can do. You warned me too, and I sincerely thank you! It was the last piece of evidence I needed. I really don't understand how he gets away with it though...time and time again! I'm actually surprised he hasn't knocked anyone up yet...
Weird that we laugh?...possibly. But we can because it's not our problem anymore! I'll really laugh when the joke is finally on him.
Ah man, that's terrible about your injury! I wish I could say my self-induced laziness, followed by a similar routine of drinking and chain smoking (replace wine with beer -I learned I can't overcome the wine hangover), could be from some good excuse like an injury. Nope, I've been letting my self fall apart for...well, going on a couple years now. With short spurts of activity mostly while traveling. I'd like to blame the Maryland weather that I endured for three years, although really, not that damn bad. And here I am now in southern California, gorgeous weather! Most I've done are some long walks, a hike here and there, and a lot of TALKING about all the other activities I should be doing! Meanwhile my bikes sit undisturbed right by my front door. BUT TOMORROW!tomorrow I will do something! Ha, until tomorrow afternoon I crack my first beer! Sigh. I tell ya though, I thoroughly enjoy sitting on a porch with a drink and a smoke and a decent conversation. (Usually on the phone since I often find myself drinking alone!) One of my favorite pastimes.
Anyway, I hope you get back running soon! I'm sure when you do, these other deliciously bad habits will subside.
Holy hell, that trip to Morocco looks awesome! Kiteboarding is on my list of things I'd love to learn. Think you'll be able to go? I'm waiting to see when the navy is sending me out on the boat. All I know now is I'm leaving mid-May, for some unknown amount of time. Oh the navy, my prison...
Ha. Well, I hope you're fully into your bottle by now. Do your lungs a favor and stop after...Oh...a few.
...headed to the porch to suck down one more.
Tomorrow we'll go for a long walk or something!
Tonight I went to kickball. I didn't play, due to my injury, but I dressed in all the apparel, brought a 12 pack of Pacifico or something, and went and cheered the team on. To celebrate our valiant victory, we headed to the bar across the way, where I was approached by a not-so-bad-looking guy. Red Flag 1: He couldn't remember my name after, oh, 9 or so times of me telling him, which started to piss me off. I drove this fool home because, while he was not my responsibility, at least he was entertaining and I was good to drive. We got back to his house, had a beer, and jammed out playing the guitar and singing and having a grand ol' time. Seriously. But how is it two people can have such a different experience about how the night was perceived? As soon as it was clear I wasn't going to make out with him, he escorted me out the door and told me it was nice to meet me. Insulting. I definitely called him a dick out loud every time I thought about him thereafter. It's been about an hour, and I've just blurted out "stupid dick" at least four times. In the car. In my house. Right now. Stupid dick.
Anyways, the relevance of this story lies in the parallel this fool has with Brendan. He was just so willing to do anything, say anything, to get it IN. And then when it was clear I was of no use, he booted me. So what I'm trying to say is, yes, Brendan is a special breed of fucked up, but is it possible this is a somewhat inherent trait in all men, albeit dormant in some? Is this the kind of Disney princess fantasy wasteland I've succumbed to? Love? I don't EVEN know about that. Exceptions include family. I guess, this idiot kid made me think science is to blame, and some are just trying to spread their seed more than others. EWW. GROSS!
Brendan is a primitive being. He is capable of only one emotion- envy. Envy in all of its forms. Jealousy. Drive. Climb. Fear-of-Missing-Out. Martyrdom. Constant bombardments of self-worth. He may have never known who he was. He's a shell. A robot. And not even a very good robot. What was his one skill? That he could multi-task and safely drive a vehicle. That was about it.
Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you. You seem to be particularly vengeful tonite, and I judge you not, other than completely relating to you. It seems Brendan's new "life and love" <--yeah, seriously, are falling apart. I know no other reason why he would call, but I'm open to possibilities. Let us study the creature.
to be continued, and in my next email, would you like me to send you all the stupid shit? Or are we agreed we don't care? All I'm saying, is I have a half naked picture of a Mobile, AL news reporter who 'really values her privacy'. Mmm hmm.... I'm not trying to blow her up, but she's clearly SO DUMB, and you'll understand if you read the messages. What's even more dumb, is that Brendan changed his phone plan when I hit this girl up, but he still didn't change his account. So...he thinks he's in the clear, but I could fuckin wreck him right now.
I have the "shaking head yet smirking" look right now.
I have SO many responses...about the not so bad looking guy, men and their seeds in general, Brendan's games, the dumb shit news anchor...
It's almost enlightening.
I'll work off, sleep off, drink off my current state of vengeance. Maybe tomorrow I'll be above it all, because I don't want to care. But my curiosity...gets me into trouble...resulting in assholes like Brendan and the not so bad looking guy equivalent, and the inevitable feeling of, fuck, really?...but yes, despite better judgement, I'm curious.
I have no doubt he called me because of some petty failure with this other "new life and love" (seriously???) HAHAHA. Wow. Speechless.
I think I'm gonna be done with the fairy tale bullshit for awhile. I just want a guy to fix my faucet when it breaks, give me a hug every now and again, and explore the world with me, and for fuck sake, do all of that without coercing me into bed!
I'm not sure if I'm still mad or just laughing at this point....
Still pondering...to wreck or not to wreck...?
I particularly appreciate your theory on his singular emotion, envy. I think you nailed it, down to the core.
