Dark clouds
This past month of March I’ve felt fine. I believed that I was doing well which I think I still am honestly, however, I don’t think I am. I cry a lot and have been struggling too get over that fact that all I hear is this degrading voice in my head. it sucks. Because I think that all is fine but my heart hurts even when I smile. I honestly feel as if its just self hate. I try to be my most confident self by always telling myself I'm hot, looking nice, and just doing hot girl shit. But none of that matters if I’m not internally happy with myself. Last Thursday I was drinking and since then I've been drinking and doing drugs. I took Adderall for two days, it kind made me feel calm because I think a lot.... way too much if you ask me. What I liked is that it all disappeared when I took it the overthinking and the self hate, probably because I was so busy getting all my chores and errands done. Downside is that I didn’t eat or sleep for two days. I felt like a frat boy named chad who was just straight popping addy staying awake drinking on Friday, then Saturday addy and more drinks. After on Sunday I decided to worship the lord..... LMAOOO lies I went out off no sleep for those two days and I only knocked for 4 hours to make up for the 48 I didn’t sleep. But yeah and then my night consisted of drinks and snorting snow. 4 lines the max. the worst part to I was their till 5am because my bf and best friend were so lit they didn't want to leave. But I wanted to go home sooo bad because I had work at 8:30am. By the time we got home it was 6:30am. I slept for a short period of time and then woke up at 7:45am to get ready and bounced to work. It was miserable. I really ended up setting myself up later for a mental breakdown. we were suppose to go Gokarting with friends, but I ended up falling asleep and never woke up so they went without me. Idk why but I felt so alone and sad, but all that turned into aggression and hate. I took it out on myself and my boyfriend. I guess he called me and I answered and gave attitude saying I didn’t want to go. I don’t remember that mainly because I was half asleep still. It just hurt me that he didn’t try hard enough. He know’s I a grumpy sleeper so he should of just rang my doorbell and someone would of let him in. Either way I can be upset but I was still in the wrong. Later I started balling my eyes out and being upset at him. when really I was filled with exhaustion, coming down from drugs, and hungry. I just looked at myself and hated that person I saw in the mirror. I punched my wall until my knuckles bled and punched my face until I felt the hurt I cause others. he was suppose to see me after but he was taking to long so I just fell asleep again. But my car ride to work today I did nothing but cry because I do things that hurts me and others, but instead of apologizing I still want to be the victim but I’m not. I hate when I do this. Breaks my own heart. I have to apologize to my bf but I'm so embarrassed because I think his friends must have heard my mental breakdown through the phone. he said no they didn’t, but I know he’s just trying to make me feel better. ugh this really sucks you know thinking you are on top of the world but really I just hid behind a mask so well that I even tricked myself into thinking I was fine.
