A Knight’s Loyalty (Yandere Lohen x reader)
⏾⋆.˚ : gender neutral reader, unhealthy dependence, threats of suicide, self harm, power imbalance, reader kinda sends mixed signals.
⏾⋆.˚ : He was always a fantasy to you, something you knew you could never truly have. In the end, whatever you had with him was only meant to be some harmless fun, too bad Lohen took it a step too far.
“Among the higher ranks, who’s your favorite?”
The cool winds of Nod Krai swept through the Favonius keep, a crackling fire keeping the chill at bay. Following another swift victory against the wild hunt the knights broke out into a celebration, guzzling down kegs of dandelion wine from the latest shipment. Song and mirthful laughter filled the air as each knight’s face grew progressively more red.
A boisterous voice bellowed from within the little circle, “What kind of question is that? Obviously it’s Grandmaster Varka! The knights would be nowhere near where we are now without him.”
“Hey, that's just unfair. Grandmaster Varka is great but I personally think Lady Eula is the best! I mean she’s just so graceful.” A chipper knight with hickory hair sighed dreamily.
“Well then how about Master Jean? She’s strong and capable! She was made Acting Grandmaster for a reason you know?”
“Ugh I don’t know!” Winfried, the knight who first asked the question squinted his eyes, the flush on his face indicating he was thoroughly wasted. Suddenly his eyes turned to face you, he slurred, “What about you [name]? Who do you think is the *hic* coolest?”
“Me?” You hummed thoughtfully as you eyed the bottom of your empty barrel, seriously, it was good wine.
“That’s right you haven’t said anything this whole time, tell us!”
The crowd grew overzealous as they egged on their new target, their fervent gazes impatiently waiting for your answer as they wriggled in their seats.
“Hmm, then.” you licked your lips, “Vice Captain Lohen.”
A hush settled over the once lively circle, only the crackle of the fire heard amidst the silence.
“Y-You’re kidding right?” Winfried laughed nervously, “Come on seriously who is it?”
You cocked a brow, pouting slightly, “I’m serious though?”
“But why?!” The brunette beside you shrieked, “H-he’s so scary!”
Another knight chimed in as a full body shiver ran through him, “Yeah! Once he made me do drills until I puked, and then made me do even more as punishment!
You chuckled apologetically, you felt bad for your fellow knights you really did… but, “Isn’t it pretty impressive he managed to get you to do that?”
“Well you’re older than him aren’t you? The fact that he was able to rise up the ranks, get the Grandmaster’s approval, gain the authority of vice captain, and get you to train until you puked before even reaching your age. That’s pretty cool right?”
“You-!” The man exclaimed, “You’re just teasing me!”
This time you it was your turn to let out a boisterous laugh, “Sorry, sorry, I was just messing with you! Still…” you traced the handle of your mug, “Seeing his back on the battlefield brings a lot of reassurance, doesn’t it?”
“I guess… but tell me honestly [name],” Winfried let out a long winded sigh, “Are you a masochist?”
Sometimes, when you’re taking a break from drills and not needed for deployment, you take your time to observe the Vice Captain. It wasn’t creepy —well at least you didn’t think so— it was just something to keep you entertained, to pass the time, and Vice Captain Lohen was oh so interesting.
This time, you found yourself situated between a tall, jagged rock as you watched him duke it out with a Frostnight Scion that had been approaching dangerously close to the keep. There was a sharp grin split into his face as he cut into the beast with his polearm, the frosted tip tearing a screech from its chest. His movements were swift and frantic, but there was that edge of grace ingrained in them that clearly displayed his knighthood.
You were startled out of your observation from a whisper in your ear, “Ogling the Vice Captain again, [name]?”
“Gh! Winfried, how many times have I told you to quit doing that?!” You hissed as you watched your companion lean against the more hidden side of the rock.
“And how many times have I told you to not wander off without telling anyone?” He leveled a stern look at you before crossing his arms, “Anyways you should get out of here before he notices you, the last thing you want is Vice Captain Lohen’s eyes on you.”
You huffed, “He’s definitely noticed us for a while now.”
“Yeah but he doesn’t care, you should leave before he does.”
“Yeah yeah, in a minute.” You could hear Winfried audibly sigh beside you as you turned your head to face Lohen again. He had defeated the Scion at this point, now he had his polearm stuck into the sand of the shoreline, gazing distantly into the horizon. It was unlike him, the somber look in his eyes, but it’s an expression you’ve noticed he's been taking on more lately.
“Hey.” You signaled to Winfried, “Do you think… the Vice Captain might be having a hard time too, just like the rest of us?”
“You know, maybe even someone like him is getting worn down by the Wild Hunt, his eyes just look so… empty sometimes.”
“That’s because he has no soul.” Winfried sighed, “You’re overthinking it, there’s no way a monster like him even knows what fear is.”
Just as you replied, Lohen pulled his polearm about of the sand and turned to face the rock you two were hiding behind.
“Gah quick! Let’s get out of here!” Winfried’s hand shot out to grab your arm, just as you two turned tail to run you threw one final glance at Lohen.
His dull eyes remained fixed on yours. You didn’t look away until he was a speck on the horizon.
After that encounter you tried to be more discreet with your observing, though you don’t think you could’ve possibly found a way to evade the vice captain’s sharp eye. Maybe that’s what landed you in this sorry situation.
“Looks like you’re next.”
A wooden sword pointed towards after one of your fellow knights fell to the floor of the training grounds, groaning in pain. It was peaceful that day, or at least as peaceful it could be in Nod Krai, when Lohen rounded a group of knights to ‘spar’ with. Each of them dropped like flies until finally, it was your turn.
You swallowed down the saliva pooling in your mouth before drawing your wooden sword.
Lohen laughed, “Let’s hope you put up a good fight.”
Immediately he rushed towards you and just barely managed to dodge his attack, with every movement you were stuck in a perpetual cycle of defense, putting all your strength into just deflecting his onslaught of attacks. You heard a whistle in your ear.
Suddenly you felt the blunt edge of the wooden sword punch into your gut, knocking the air out of you. You doubled over, your ass falling flat on the ground when the chill of frost singed your cheek. Sticking out of the ground next to you, just shy of your shoulder, was the wooden sword, infused with cryo. When your eyes turned back you found magenta and teal staring back.
A chill ran down your spine.
He hummed, his forearm leaning onto the hilt of the sword as he bent to look down at you, “You’re pretty good, my little secret admirer.”
“Hah,” You wheezed out a thin laugh, your hand still clutching your stomach as drool dripped from your mouth, “Not very secret if I’m this open about it, yeah?”
“Oh? I suppose you’re right!” And with that he pulled the hilt of the sword and turned away.
“W-wait.” You cried, “I can… still fight.”
Before you could get back on your feet you felt cold fingers flick your forehead.
“I like your spirit, but you should know your limits. Shame, if you were just a tad bit stronger I would’ve set my sights on you.”
Your head hung low in defeat. Just a little stronger… what a pipe dream.
“You should take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
You were out on patrol when you came across Lohen again, from the freshly dead hilichurls littering the ground it looked like he was out on another excursion to ‘relieve some stress’.
And of course wherever Lohen went, you would follow.
“I could, but a picture can never compare to the real thing, now can it?”
“Well then why don’t you come down here and I’ll give you a real show.”
You were perched up on a cliff overseeing the hilichurl camp, you gave it some thought before letting out a theatrical sigh, “I think I’ll pass actually.”
Lohen merely shrugged his shoulders, “Suit yourself.”
Maybe it’s because he thought you were too weak, that a fight with you wouldn’t be worthwhile, but he gave up relatively easily. This has been your routine for a while now. Make no mistake, he still beat you black and blue when it came to training, but times like this when it was just the two of you, he let you be. A part of you thinks he’d rather not be distracted by a bigger fight, and another is telling you he just likes the attention.
It wasn’t anything serious, you know he wasn’t really interested, that this was just some passing entertainment until he finds his next fight. You weren’t expecting anything either, honest, it was just… harmless fun. Sure, some of the things he says make your cheeks burn, and sometimes your mind wanders to him, but that's all there is to it.
It was just a fantasy, he was just a fantasy.
He turns his back to you, and you find you’ve grown tired of the sight.
Your fellow knights thought your little arrangement was an absolute nightmare.
“I told you to steer clear of him didn’t I?” Winfried clicked his tongue, “Now he comes to pick on us even more!”
“He picks on you guys anyways, plus he’s not actually interested so I doubt he does it because of me, he’s probably just bored.”
You were seated around the fire once again, mugs full of liquid courage. The Wild Hunt had been more aggressive recently putting everyone on edge, drinking around a fire huddled with your companions was all you could do to settle your nerves.
Laurent sighed wearily, “You two should forget about silly things like that and focus on the threat ahead. The Wild Hunt is growing more unpredictable by the day.”
“Oh yeah, I overheard the Grandmaster speaking of a new threat on the horizon, someone named Rerir.” Winfried took a quick swig from his mug, “Well whatever, I’m sure we’ve got nothing to worry about, [name]’s sweetheart will surely take care of it.”
“Don’t call him that…” you hissed, but you couldn’t help the fond smile on your face, “I’m sure we'll be just fine.”
Things weren’t fine at all.
This new… monster, Rerir, whatever he was he was something far beyond the power of the knights. In the face of that beast, even the strongest would fall.
You watched them drag his broken body into the encampment, your blood running cold. When they ushered him into a private room it took everything in you not to follow after, to confirm his weakness with your own eyes. It’s been days since the assault and Lohen’s condition had finally stabilized, not to the point where he could get out of bed, but just enough to stay conscious. You find yourself hesitating in front of his room, recalling what the Frostmoon Scion who was treating him told you.
‘He’s in a bit of a delicate position right now emotionally, he may be aggressive so it’s best to proceed with caution.’
You gulped before carefully parting the curtain.
Only silence greeted you, and the lingering stench of blood and medicinal herbs in the air. Lohen laid on the mattress, only a thin blanket covered his still form. From this distance you could see the various bandages littering his skin, some already bled through. His face was turned away from you, facing the small window carved into the stone of the building. You took a few cautious steps forward before being interrupted by a raspy voice.
It wasn’t loud, closer to a whisper and barely there, you would have missed it if your ears weren’t trained for any sign of a reaction. You felt something shift inside you because for the first time since you’ve known him Lohen sounded so damn weak.
He wasn’t supposed to sound like that.
You let out a shaky breath, “…okay.”
Your visits after that followed a relatively simple pattern. You would try to make conversation, get a reaction, and Lohen would proceed to firmly dismiss you. Sometimes through aggressive shouts, and others with a small whisper. You didn’t mind, it was enough just to see him alive and breathing, the rejections weren't something that could deter you so easily anyways. This time, you had offered to help the Frostmoon Scions and bring a new basin of water and washcloths in their stead. As you stepped up to the entrance of his ward you were expecting the usual routine, make some small talk, he would ignore and dismiss you, and you would set the basin and cloth down and go on your merry way. Those were your expectations as you parted the curtain once more.
“Vice Captain, I brought some water.”
In response you heard a labored huff, when you looked up you noticed Lohen struggling to get out of bed. His limbs trembled as they braced against the mattress, a thin sheen of sweat layered his forehead.
Immediately you placed the basin and cloth down and hurried to stop him, “What are you doing you shouldn’t be out of bed yet-”
Suddenly, your vision distorted, a stinging pain piercing your head. Your head was whipped forcefully to the side and when you looked down you noticed a piece of… stone? It must’ve been one of the small stone statues the Frostmoon Scions kept around. As you eyed it closer with blurry eyes you noticed a patch of red and instinctively brought a hand to your head. When you pulled back, a matching red coated your fingers.
Lohen hadn’t noticed, or he might have and was too out of his mind to care. A cracked wheeze crawled out of his throat, the crimson in his eyes glowing with outrage, “Just why the hell do you keep coming back here, huh? Just to revel in my weakness?”
“Save it, I don’t need your pity! Get out of my sigh- hrk!” Before he could finish his sentence his chest convulsed and all color drained from his face. He held his hand over his mouth before turning and emptying the contents of his stomach with a shudder. You stepped back in surprise as the clear liquid pooled on the floor, and while Lohen’s body quaked in front of you, you could only think of one thing.
Lohen tried to steady himself and hung his head low in what you didn’t want to call shame, but it was close. He stayed silent, only his shuddering breaths echoing through the stone walls.
With a sigh you took a step back before gathering the cloth and dipping it into the basin of warm water. Carefully, you stepped forward and kneeled beside his hunched form. With steady hands you turned his head and brought the cloth to gently wipe at the corner of his mouth.
His pupils were blown wide and he grit his teeth, but he made no move to swat your hand away. He whispered weakly, “Why are you doing this?”
You hummed thoughtfully, taking a moment to think of a response, before speaking softly, “It’s nice to be able to see you face to face after only ever knowing the sight of your back.”
Something in Lohen’s expression changed at that, the slightest shift in his eyes that you wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t a hairbreadth away. As if finally regaining some sense, his eyes were drawn to the leaky red patch on your head. You followed them and quickly turned your head to hide the wound.
“Ah, don’t worry about this. It’s nothing compared to what you went through.”
Lohen made a complicated expression, he opened his mouth to say something before biting his lip instead. The ghost of an apology lingered in the air.
You showed him a small smile before rising off your knees, “I’ll clean this up and call for a Scion. Please don’t try to get up without assistance again, Vice Captain.”
The man only huffed before turning over and pulling the thin blanket over himself, “fine.”
You nodded and made way for the exit, his eyes still imprinted in your mind.
The Frostmoon Scions were incredibly fussy about the little wound on your head. When they asked how you got it, all you could say was ‘I fell’. It was such an obvious lie it was almost laughable; still, they didn’t question it, simply dressed the wound and told you to be careful. You wished your fellow knights were as agreeable, they simply gave you a knowing look and sighed whenever they glanced at the bandage on your forehead.
It’s been a week since then, and whenever you had free time you made sure to visit Lohen. He’s been more responsive during your visits, his usual snark tinting more of his words. The fight with Rerir almost seemed to shatter his spirit so it was reassuring to know he was regaining his confidence.
You were with him again, this time you had a ball of gauze at your side as you redressed his bandages. Perhaps it was stubbornness, but his recovery speed was impressive. Maybe he was just willing himself to get better in order to step back on the battlefield. You were speaking to him of anything and everything, just enough to fill the silence. He had been quieter than usual and it was only when you taped the last bandage that he spoke up.
“The knights have been telling you to leave me, haven't they?”
You choke, “W-what do you mean?”
He scoffed half heartedly, “I know what they’ve been whispering behind my back. ‘The Vice Captain has finally fallen, perhaps he isn’t as formidable as we all thought!’ Right?”
You tried to open your mouth in denial but quickly shut it when you couldn’t find a rebuttal, instead you mumbled in defeat, “Who told you that…?”
Lohen laughed airily, “I have eyes and ears everywhere, you really think I wouldn't find out?”
You barely hold back a biting remark, ‘then close your eyes and ears’
“Still…” he draws on, a sharp little smile curling his lips “You keep coming back. At least you know where your loyalties lie.”
Your brow furrowed a bit at that, "Don't be too harsh on them, morale has been down ever since Rerir’s attack. You’ve always been their shield, now that you’ve fallen it makes sense their fears are rising with no defense.” A small, teasing smile graced your lips, “That small back of yours is pretty reassuring, you know?”
“And yet, you hate the sight of it.”
You stilled for a moment before looking up to lock eyes with Lohen. Carefully, you brought a hand to brush a lock of hair away from his face, “…Even you deserve a break sometimes.”
Lohen leaned into your touch and just as you were about to pull away he held onto your wrist, his voice feather soft, “Hey, won’t you stay the night?”
You flinch involuntarily, there was something in his voice that felt… intimate. There was a small, wriggling feeling of unease in your gut, “Vice Captain that’s a bit…”
Vice Captain Lohen never begs, you didn’t even think he knew the concept, so how could you possibly deny him when he asked so sweetly.
You were awoken to a stinging pain. Slowly you raised your head from the mattress Lohen laid on, his face turned away from you, only the steady rise and fall of his chest indicating he was asleep. Your hand laid by his side, his finger just barely grasping the tips of yours, as if he were hesitant to fully grasp your hand but refused to fully let go. You stared at your hands before gasping quietly at another sting of pain. Gently, you peeled his fingers from yours before gingerly pressing into the bandage on your head. You sighed at the wet crimson staining your fingers, your wound must’ve opened during the night.
As quietly as you could, you rose from your seat and padded towards the small mirror on the side wall. There was a basin of clear water beneath it intended for washing purposes. You leaned over the counter and removed the bandage to see fresh blood leaking from the reopened wound. There was a cloth on the counter, and after lightly dipping it into the water basin you went to dab at the wound. You hissed at the stinging pain but continued to clean the wound and bandage it, all while biting your lip trying to hold in your pained moans.
But you noticed, in the dead of night, there was no one there to bear witness to your weakness. There was no reason to hold in your pain, to keep up this strength. So you released your bitten lips, a quiet sob leaving them.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurtsithurtsithurts-
Like the break of a dam, tears continued to leak from your eyes. The culmination of the pain from your wound, the fear of the Wild Hunt, the frustration from your own weakness, the despair that even someone like Vice Captain Lohen could be defeated so thoroughly-
If someone like him fell, then what chance could you possibly stand in this wretched world?
These thoughts continued to fall in streams from your eyes. The throbbing pain from your head served only as a reminder. A torrent of sobs crawled up your throat as they echoed across the stone walls, your hands continuously wiping at the wetness.
You froze, a quiet hiccup slipping past your lips as you tried to turn your head away from the voice and squeezed your eyes shut. You could feel eyes burning into you as you hurriedly splashed water onto your face, praying it would cover the evidence of your weakness.
“S-sorry, did I wake you?” You tried to laugh, but it came out stilted.
There was a moment of silence, and then, “I’ve always been a light sleeper.”
Archons, he heard everything didn’t he?
It took everything in you not to rush out right that instant, an embarrassed flush burning your face. You know he could see your face in the mirror even with your head ducked.
You hesitated, but eventually stepped to the stool you had been sleeping on previously, your head lowered in shame.
You raised your head in confusion, only to feel your breath hitch at the sight of Lohen holding his blanket up, inviting you in.
He cooed, “Here, come on.”
“I- you can’t be serious.”
That uneasy feeling in your gut returned in full force. You were teetering on the edge of a line that shouldn’t be crossed between a knight and their superior. A threshold which you had previously thought Lohen had no intention of ever letting you pass. Silently, you wondered if this too was just a passing entertainment. If you were just something to keep his mind off his own weakness.
You… you didn’t want that, to be something to momentarily cling to only to eventually toss away.
You almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation only to quickly shut up at the seriousness in Lohen’s eyes. The crimson in them seemed to glow brighter in the dark and all you could do was helplessly crawl into his bed. Your back laid ram rod straight against the mattress, eyes firmly fixed onto the ceiling as you tried your hardest to ignore the heat beside you. It sure as hell didn’t help when Lohen curled into your side his arm laid over your chest.
“Lohen. Call me Lohen, you know I hate titles.”
“…Lohen.” That sinking feeling was coming back in full force, you turned your head away from him, “This isn’t… I don’t think we should be doing this.”
Lohen’s arm seemed to wrap tighter around you, as if to prevent you from escaping, as if to prove that you had no choice in the first place, “How come?”
“You… seem to be asking for something impossible.. is all.”
Lohen hummed playfully, his finger gliding across your collarbone, “I haven’t even said anything and you’re already making assumptions. It’s not good for a knight to have such hasty judgment.”
“A knight… yes, exactly that,” you grit your teeth, he was clearly trying to play the long game. Unfortunately, you had no plans to indulge him, “I’m just a lowly knight. I can’t give you what you want Lo-… Vice Captain..”
Lohen stilled his ministrations and went quiet, only the soft tickle of his breath against your neck indicating his presence. Slowly, his lips crafted a response.
There was a beat of silence before you realized he was being serious.
“…Are you trying to comfort me? You? Just a knight? We both know that’s not true.” You laughed bitterly before turning over, your back facing him. Distant, but not fully gone, “Go to sleep Lohen.”
Lohen didn’t say anything, his arm still firmly wrapped around you. It was only when he noticed the steady rise and fall of your chest that he pressed himself flush against your back, his fingers lightly tracing the bandage on your forehead.
His apologies went unheard.
It had been days since you last visited Lohen. You wouldn’t say you were ’avoiding’ him, but after your last encounter you weren’t exactly partial to a visit. In the meantime, you decided to take up your knightly duties which have been sorely neglected. It was during patrol that Winfried suddenly struck conversation.
“Have you heard? Apparently the Grandmaster is gathering people to defeat Rerir.”
You quirked a brow, “Is that so?”
“That’s right! No one really knows who’s helping him but the traveler is definitely involved.” Winfried grinned, his elation made sense, after all a formidable foe needed a formidable opponent and you’ve heard many tales of Mondstadt’s illustrious Honorary Knight.
You couldn’t help but smile in turn, “Then there’s no way we’ll lose.”
It was in the midst of you two laughing together that a familiar figure ran up to you.
“[Name]! Oh thank goodness I found you.” It was the Frostmoon Scion who was in charge of treating Lohen. Her face was shiny with sweat, her chest heaving as a clear sign of exertion, had she ran all the way here?
“Woah hey, what’s wrong?”
“Well! It’s that Vice Captain of yours you hear!?” You held her shoulders to steady her only to notice her abrupt appearance was less in panic and more in frustration, “He absolutely refuses to receive any kind of treatment!”
Your eyes widened a bit in surprise, “Sorry?”
She let out an exasperated huff, “I know you were only trying to help but to think it’s gotten to this point… Whenever I attempt to go through my usual routine he’s completely unresponsive and just tells me to leave! I’m sorry [name] but could you please go check up on him? We have other patients and I can’t afford to meander around his room any longer.”
“Ah that's… well I mean… I’m kinda.. in the middle of… something..” You turn back to Winfried, a bit lost on what to do, only to find him already shaking his head with a knowing sigh.
“Just go. It's just patrol, I’ll be fine on my own.”
You rubbed your temple and the now healed wound on your head seemed to mockingly throb at your predicament. You didn’t know just how exactly to face him, sure you may have indulged in this game he was playing, but that's only because you never expected anything to come out of it! After all, in what world would Lohen of all people get intimately entangled with some random knight who’s not even one of his own? You thought you two were on the same page, this… whatever this was, it wasn’t meant to get this far. As you stood in front of his room thinking of what to say to him you heard a small pained sound escape from inside. It was small, but sharp and instantly, all your thoughts fly out of your head as you quickly rush inside.
Your eyes were blown wide at the sight in front of you. Lohen was doubled over with long, angry red marks spanning across his arms. Fresh blood seeped from the wounds onto white sheets, dyeing them red, and you noticed his lips had also been bitten bloody. His hands continued to dig into the wounds on his arms.
“What are you- Archons Lohen stop!”
On instinct you made grab for the uninjured part of his arm. It was only then that he seemed to really notice your presence, his eyes immediately shot to you, his pupils were dilated and his face was drained of color. The blood leaking from his split lip was a stark contrast to his pallid skin. Despite the state he was in, his bloody lips curled into a smile at the sight of your face.
“Of course I- no just what on Teyvat were you doing?!” Your eyes darted down to survey the state of his wounds. The marks were bleeding in thin lines and upon closer inspection you noticed flecks of dead skin and blood beneath his nails, his wounds were clearly self inflicted.
“Haha… can you believe it? Those damn scions keep insisting that I need to stay in bed even though I’m already all better! Even when I refuse their unnecessary treatment they practically lock me up here. So I thought, ‘If I can’t go out onto the battlefield why not bring the battlefield here?’”
Your mouth hung wide open. You were well aware of Lohen’s lack of care for his own body— what with his partiality to poison and headstrong battle attitude— but to think it would reach this extent.
“And hey, look.” He brought a hand to stroke the newly formed scar on your head, the tissue still pink, “Now we match.”
You shuddered at the feeling of warm blood staining your cheek.
In a swift motion, you took hold of his wrist, a tense expression on your face, “Don’t ever do this again, you hear me?”
Lohen huffed lightheartedly before he noticed you backing away. You had planned to go looking for the gauze again when there was sudden tight grip on your hand.
“H-hey, hey. You know I was just joking right? If you didn’t like it I won’t do it again just- just don't leave.”
You squinted your eyes and only sighed wordlessly, “I’m just getting gauze, Lohen.”
He sucked in a breath before reluctantly letting go. I’m just a few moments you were at his side again with alcohol and wrappings. You really didn’t want to dwell on the way Lohen’s face flushed, his eyes transfixed on yours, as you disinfected his wounds. Nor did you want to think about the small, twitchy moans of what you hope is pain every time you pressed particularly hard.
It was when you had begun wrapping the clean bandage that he spoke again, “You’ve been avoiding me.”
You halted for barely a moment before continuing the motion, “I haven’t. I’ve just been busy, knightly duties and all.”
“Liar.” Lohen hummed in amusement, “You’ve been avoiding me and yet you’re more fussy over this than your own wound, what’s with that?”
You noticed his eyes flicker to the scar on your head once more, almost relishing in it. You mumble, “Well, better me than you, yeah?”
A heavy silence hung in the air. Perhaps that wasn’t.. the best choice of words. You were about to open your mouth once more when Lohen beat you to the punch.
“Once I’m out of here, it’ll be that bastard Rerir getting ripped apart instead.”
You blinked, an uneasy twist to your lips, “Maybe.”
“It will. Now…” he lifted his blanket and patted the space next to him, “You’ll stay the night, won’t you?”
He never did get a chance to rip Rerir apart.
Rerir’s defeat rang through Nod Krai along with cheers for the heroes. With the threat of the Wild Hunt officially settled the Grandmaster ended the expedition and allowed all troops to return home. A long awaited celebration was held in the Flagship, the tavern bustling with familiar figures.
In the midst of it, you could see Lohen, a smile on his lips with Varka’s large arm slung around him. He looked just as happy as the others, but you could see the tightness in his smile, the way his fist clenched behind his back, a certain hunger in his eyes left unsatisfied.
The knights were greeted just as grandly upon your arrival in Dorman Port. You watched your comrades pull friends and family into bear hugs, flowers and gifts being passed around. Many were in tears and you watched quietly off to the side.
Settling back into a peaceful life in Mondstadt was hard for most. With the constant threats in Nod Krai there was a constant need to be on high alert, now it’s hard not to flinch at the chirp of birds. Of course some struggled, but it was inevitable that sheer relief was the common consensus. You found happiness in the peace as well, finally breathing in air that wasn’t tinged with a trace of blood or smoke did numbers on your stress.
Things with Lohen on the other hand… well you couldn’t tell if they’ve gotten better or worse.
You expected him to forget all about you, to see your little relationship as a stain in his life, a moment of weakness, one to completely erase. Your return to Mondstadt came with the full acceptance of him never looking your way again. What you didn’t expect was that he’d practically be on your heel every waking moment.
“Do you seriously just sit here and… talk to people for hours on end? That's it? Where’s the excitement in that?!”
“…No one asked you to follow me here.” You had been enjoying another idyllic day in Dorman Port when Lohen had sneaked up on you, again, and decided to plop down right next to you, “If you’re so bored then why don’t you go patrolling for monsters again?”
“And leave you here all by your lonesome? Why, I would never,” he tutted, “I’m a gentleman after all.”
“Gentleman?” You snorted, “You wouldn’t know gentle if it had socked you in the face.”
You wonder if it’s you who’s gotten more audacious or Lohen who’s gotten more lenient. If it were as it had been before he probably would’ve used you as target practice for that comment. Despite your biting remark you can’t deny that he has been painfully, well, gentle with you. If you didn’t know any better you’d have thought he was afraid to lay a hand on you. The most he’s done is drag you along everywhere he went, never letting you stray too far from his side. You try to shrug it off, he clearly hasn’t been able to adjust to the change in environment like everyone else, maybe he’s just trying to cling to something familiar.
You really hope that’s all it was
“So don’t grow old on me, ok?”
His voice was like a whisper in the wind, if it weren’t for the traveler’s nod of confirmation it would’ve seemed like he hadn’t said a thing at all. You held your back firm against the wall of the cathedral, you didn’t mean to listen in, really, you just came to pay your respects; but when you heard that familiar voiced tinged with a hint of sadness you froze, unintentionally hiding yourself.
You watched the traveler walk away with their floating companion, their backs retreating into the sunset. The leaves rustled in the wind and you stayed in your spot, hidden behind the wall. You didn’t want to intrude on a tender moment but-
“Just how long are you planning to hide there?”
You slipped out of your hiding spot, “Sharp as ever, aren’t you?”
A light laugh rang from him, “I could recognize your footsteps anywhere.”
You huffed before turning to Adorno’s grave, your expression solemn, “I heard about what happened. I…I’m sorry.”
Lohen’s smile was smaller now, more melancholic, his eyes seemed to be looking somewhere much farther away, “Well, it was due to our own selfishness that he even lasted this long. It was about time that the old man finally gets laid to rest.”
You nodded, a small smile resting on your lips, “…It’s good that you have someone else to open up to now though.”
“The traveler,” you turned to where the traveler had stood previously with Paimon, “‘don’t grow old on me’ right?”
Your eyes stared wistfully into that spot. There was an unsaid ‘someone other than me.’ You were happy, really. Lohen needed someone else, someone stronger and more capable than you could ever be, and the traveler was a perfect fit. With them, he could reach out to others and he’ll realize that you were never truly that special. Just someone who happened to see him at his weakest
In a sudden motion you felt yourself being held in a tight grip, Lohen’s face buried in your neck.
“You know you’re all I need, right?”
His voice trembled, the ends of his words fraying just slightly. There was a knot in your throat because this felt too damn familiar, “What are you talking about?”
“The traveler isn’t worth shit compared to you,” his breath tickled your skin, the brush of his lips against it making you spine tingle, “None of them are worth shit.”
“You- Lohen do you hear yourself right now?” You tried to pull him off but his grip remained steely, “You shouldn’t- I just meant that it’s good that you have other people to rely on!”
“I don’t care! Why do you sound like you’re trying to leave me?!”
“That’s not- I didn’t…” You could only stand there with your mouth agape as Lohen trembled in your arms. You wanted to deny it but nothing left your throat. You could only wrap your arms around him and rub soothing circles into his back. You spoke in hushed whispers, trying your best to coax him out of your arms, “Come on, don’t be like this. It’s ok, it’s ok I-” you paused before swallowing, “I won’t leave you.”
You let out a defeated sigh, “Yeah.”
“Okay…” He finally pulled back at that, instead opting to bring your hands to cup his face, “Okay.”
You bit your lip. This… this was too far, whatever was going on between you two wasn’t healthy. Air entered your lungs in short bursts as he kissed your palm.
It was high time you put an end to this.
It’s been a while since I’ve sent you my last letter. What with the return of the expeditionary force and the endless celebration I simply could not find the time. I’ve been idling my days away here and could not help but think of your face every time I gazed beyond the port.
Days of ever present danger are long gone and it seems I’ve grown accustomed to the peace within the city walls, it reminded me far too much of home. It’s been years since I’ve last seen you, and I’ve come to a realization as well.
You never approved of me becoming a knight, but I was young and ambitious and couldn’t help but defy you. It is only after witnessing true strength that I realize perhaps I was never suited for this path. I had always enjoyed sitting around a fire chatting with friends rather than fighting for honor and glory. With this newfound peace, I think it’s about time I lay this title to rest.
I plan to let the acting grandmaster know of my departure— though I suppose she isn’t the acting grandmaster anymore haha— and plan to set out to come back home. I heard you’ve moved back to Sumeru in the past year and I cannot help but grow excited to taste your home cooked meals again. Good Hunter is nice, but nothing can quite beat you!
Don't worry, you won’t be waiting too long, I’ll be there soon!
A thud echoed in the room as your groceries hit the floor. You stilled at the sight Lohen at your desk, his fingers gingerly pressed against parchment as he dangled it in the air, "What are you doing in my room?”
You thought it was strange when you came home to an unlocked door. You had shrugged it off as paranoia, maybe you had forgotten to lock the door on your way out. You couldn’t have been more wrong.
Lohen hummed, his eyes still on the paper he had just finished reading out, “Sumeru? That's a bit far dont you think?”
“…I asked you a question.”
“Were you really planning to never tell me? Or did you think I wouldn’t find out?” In a sharp motion, he whipped out his dagger, the tip pressed into the parchment before a loud rip resounded in the silence.
Your lip trembled as you watched him carefully tear away at the paper, each rip more violent than the last, “W-why…”
“You promised.” He was walking towards you now, the point of his dagger dangerously close to you, “You said you wouldn’t leave.”
Your back pressed to the door and as you slowly crept towards the handle a hand shot out to grab your wrist. You felt your bones creak at the sheer force in his grip, an aborted gasp leaving you.
“Or were those all empty words?” The hilt of his dagger was used to lift your chin, “It’s not right for a knight to go back on their word you know?”
You chuckled dryly, hoping to all the archons above that it could conceal the fear in your voice, “I’m not a knight anymore, am I?”
Lohen only gave you a blank look, his face mere inches from yours. His breath smelled of Valberries and mint and you felt your stomach turn, “You think I’d let you get away that easily?”
You wanted to laugh, there was one somewhere hidden in the crevice of your chest but all you could do was offer a shaky smile.
“Are you going to kill me?”
Lohen paused at that, his dull eyes bore into you, but he only smiled before pressing his forehead to yours, “You know I wouldn’t lay a hand on you. Not you, never.”
In an instant that hand which had your wrist in a crushing grip twisted your fingers open. Suddenly you felt the chill of cool leather on your skin as you noticed just what was in your hands.
Lohen’s dagger laid there, his fingers enclosing your own around it’s hilt.
Before you could process it his hand had pulled yours forward, the sharp end cutting into his neck. You gasped, immediately you went to pull away but his grip remained firm and there was no way you could ever overpower him.
“If you’re so insistent on leaving, then go ahead. But, just know…” despite the blade nicking into his skin, he smiled, a twisted lovesick smile that marred his delicate features, “My blood will be on your hands.”
“S-stop,” You tugged to no avail, “Lohen, stop,” he leaned in and the closer he came the deeper the knife cut into him, “Please!”
There was a steady stream of blood leaking from his neck but he didn’t so much as flinch, his wide eyes completely fixed on yours, “Say you won’t leave.”
“I won’t! I won’t so please let go-”
“Liar.” He hissed, “You’re lying again aren’t you? Just like last time, you don’t really mean it. Do you really want to kill me?”
“Archons Lohen no! I’m not! I won’t- I won’t ever leave you again ok? I’ll always be by your side, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.I’msorryI’msorry!! Please!”
Your eyes watered as you noticed him pale significantly, the crimson staining the knife a stark contrast to the chalky color of his skin. He was panting now, the blood long having soaked into his clothes, yet despite how frail he looked, his grip over your hand was relentless.
Slowly, his grip loosened and his hand fell weakly. The moment he let go you threw the dagger to the floor as if it had burned you. You were shaking as Lohen pressed his cold lips to yours, sighing into a closed mouth kiss.
“It’s a promise then. If you try to break it… who knows what I’ll do.”
A wet sniffle left you as he stumbled into your neck. As he stood there, breathing you in, you could feel his hot blood stick to your skin like a brand, forever staining you.
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