Purr Purr Motherfucker

What did those wretched witches in the Grand Coven do to me now? They already bound my magic and now all I can seem to do is light a bloody candle?

Oh, no really. I don’t want—

Aaand you’re gone. Guess this town doesn’t know how to toe the line between friendly and too friendly. Free drink but no flirtin’, where’s the fun in that?

Anyway. Do you want this?

Someone bought you a drink but didn’t flirt with you? That alone should really make you question their motives, don’t you think? Like if you’re not going to even talk to the most beautiful gal in the room, what are you even doing? Is there something in the drink? Was he just not feeling the little umbrella? Did he- Oh. Aw.

Oh hey! Love the posters!

You have an awesome campaign smile! Are those red velvet? Amazing! Amazing job! [ Running off her worries and strife was hardly the most magical solution to her problems but it was what she had right now. Besides, it was prom. It was happy. It was good to be outside. It… It was good to slow down because ouch, exercise. ] Woo— Okay.

Hey, hi. You don’t per chance have some water or something on you, do you?

[ Running after her like the wind, but also struggling because two legs are hard ] Hey! Hey! H-Ohmygod! [ Almost running into her when she stops ] Hello! Hi!

Hi. Hello. Hi. is it hideously obvious that I’m so out of place here? And have you seen a Lulu anywhere? About so high, curly hair, huge smile? Thank you!

Oh, hello! I wouldn’t say so, no. You blend in quite nicely, I think. Um... I’m sorry, I haven’t seen her around anywhere. Did she say she would be here? Maybe you should try calling her?

           Oooh, this merlot is nice. What was it called again? I need to buy like three boxes of it.

          I really couldn’t tell you. I mean I could write it down, but please don’t make me try to pronounce it. What I can tell you, though, is that this bread thing is delightful. There’s some kinda garlic and herb thing going on.

Oh my gosh, hi!

Hi, welcome. You look fantastic, have you had a glass yet? Here, let me get you one. You have to try this red, it’s got this chocolate-y undertone that you will love. And then there’s the actual chocolate, oh my god. And cheese. I have Daniel out getting more right now. Anyway, how are you?

Who, me? Thank you. You’re too kind. Sorry, you’re the host of this evening, yes? I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced. I’m Samson Blackwell, the new-ish deputy sheriff. I hope you don’t mind that I crashed the party. I- Oh, yes. Thank you again. [ sippy sip ] Oh. Oh. You’re right, I love it! This is incredible. You’ll need to give me your supplier. Admittedly, I’ve already eaten a large portion of the cheese platter. So I am great. Whether that’s correlated to the cheese consumption or not is still to be decided. I hope you’re well too?

Realistically, how many apple pies are too many apple pies?

When your hands start hurting, I think it’s time to stop and take a break, but hey, if you’re happy having nothing but pie in our fridge, who am I to stop you?

It’s sage, bro! It’s supposed to cleanse and heal and remove any bad juju that may or may not be floating around. How can you be allergic to one of the greatest blessings to this world? Who hurt you? Besides me, obviously. [holds his hands up] Alright, alright. Truce.

I don’t know, man, but it’s killing me. I think I’m literally dying. But if you really wanna know who hurt me, well, we might be here for some time. Alright, yeah. Good, good. That’s- Thank you. Let me breathe.

[Emerging from the ‘Without a Hitch’ offices waving around his incense or sage, either way there’s some serious cleansing going on here]

Yup, there we go. Good as new! We’ll try and see any negative vibes make their way into our dojo now, Jules! … Jules? Damn, I really thought after the great Feng Shui I performed on the place the other week she’d be here for this. I mean sure, there might have been some tripping and the new girl almost broke an ankle but… Besides the point.

Hey! Hey, how you doin’? Feeling cleansed? Are you feeling these cleansing vibes?

Woah. Woah. Okay, what is that? What are you throwing around the streets? I- -sneezes- Bro, stop! This is a public p- -sneezes- Jesus, now the headache’s starting. What did I do to you, man?

salem-samson:

by-winters-cold-hand:

-Olivia sat down on the floor in silence, edging her way closer to the top of the stairs as the conversation continued below her. She pinched and pulled at the skin on the back of her hands, not that it helped anything. The tension was going nowhere. She gave herself permission to have one quick glance – surely this was someone who just sounded a hell of a lot like her dad, right? He was dead and definitely buried. When Olivia felt that he must be sufficiently distracted by Samson and Ian (the very convincing couple) she slowly peeked her head around the banister, just enough to see and hopefully not be seen herself.-

Bastard… -She breathed. A light probably flickered overhead.-

You know I love the man-jeggings, hon. I mean, honestly, I ask for so little. Why won’t you wear the pair I got you? Just once, it’s all I ask. You know that ass would look great in them. Oooh, yeah, there was a Liv once. She was… lively, that Liv…

Nope. Like I said. New to town. Maybe if you went more into the middle of town? Wasn’t there some cute little cafés down there? A little chapel? There might be someone out there that can help you, but right now, we have to get back to… -gives Ian what he considers to be a seductive look- Stuff.

I’m a chinos guy! You know this. You’re wearing a pair of my nearest and dearest right now. They fill you out great, BTW. It’s like the first time I’ve ever seen you all upright. My ass looks great in everything, you mean. Ah! Lively Liv… Good times… Oh! Hey, again. Sorry. We’re just so in tune sometimes. Own little bubble. But uh, as my lil Sugarplum here said, we really can’t help.

Really though, small town. Every corner’s got a friendly face, it’s what we love so much about it. Can’t wait to have the neighbours around for lunch. Hopefully they won’t have uh, too many noise complaints. You know how it is. And– Ooh, hon. Please. We still have company here. [shoots Salem a wink] I feel dirty. 

Sorry though. I hope you find who you’re looking for. I mean, you think she’d just answer her phone. Try hash-tagging her. Good luck, man.

Very well... Sorry for bothering the two of you. I hope I haven’t taken up too much of your time. Perhaps we’ll meet again, however, I hope to have found Olivia by then. Good day to you both. -and exits-

salem-samson:

ian-magic-son:

Olivia? Ol– Ooph. [Suddenly and quite unexpectedly Ian is cat-attacked by Salem and so taken aback by the speech, all he can do is stand there, mouth hanging open. Did he really raise his cat to be like this? At the same time however, brow furrowed, he slowly realizes that he really ought to go along with the skit… For what reason, he wasn’t entirely sure. But O hadn’t come down the stairs, and the town was full of wanted and unwanted guests. So he plastered on his best smile, bringing out that old Morrison charm.]

Would I ever? Psh, honestly. I don’t know why you would ever doubt me, babe. You’re the one with the wandering eyes for every guy that goes by in a pair of man-jeggings. I’m left at home slaving away… Do you know him? Is this how you tell me you’re leaving me!? Your best friend and lover–

Sorry, sorry forgot you were standing there. You’ll have to excuse our banter, it’s been a lifelong thing he and I. But yeah, we don’t really know anyone nevermind an Olivia. Although, wasn’t there once a Liv? You remember, back in the Bahamas? Great time out there. Lots of sunshine. 10/10 would recommend.

-He eyed them suspiciously, one eyebrow raised. His disgust at their clear sexuality was evident on his face, however, he refrained from commenting on the matter- Hmm… Pity. I was really hoping I would find her before I had to leave town. You really can’t help me out? I’m sure you know someone… who perhaps knows someone else… who may know who I’m looking for? -casually glancing around the house behind them- As you may have guessed, I’m rather eager to see her again.

-Olivia sat down on the floor in silence, edging her way closer to the top of the stairs as the conversation continued below her. She pinched and pulled at the skin on the back of her hands, not that it helped anything. The tension was going nowhere. She gave herself permission to have one quick glance – surely this was someone who just sounded a hell of a lot like her dad, right? He was dead and definitely buried. When Olivia felt that he must be sufficiently distracted by Samson and Ian (the very convincing couple) she slowly peeked her head around the banister, just enough to see and hopefully not be seen herself.-

Bastard… -She breathed. A light probably flickered overhead.-

You know I love the man-jeggings, hon. I mean, honestly, I ask for so little. Why won’t you wear the pair I got you? Just once, it’s all I ask. You know that ass would look great in them. Oooh, yeah, there was a Liv once. She was... lively, that Liv...

salem-samson:

by-winters-cold-hand:

He probably has a pair in–

-Olivia freezes at the sound of the worryingly familiar voice, listening attentively to conversation occurring down stairs. At the sound of her name, she glanced quickly to Samson with a look that was probably as close to panic as she could manage. Quickly, she crept to a place where she could see the front door without being seen herself, the colour almost completely draining from her cheeks when the impossible was suddenly made very possible indeed.-

-pulling on the ridiculous chinos when he hears the voice and instantly looks at Olivia- Olivia, wait-… -following close behind her and whispering- Stay here, okay? Or… or hide. Just… don’t come down.

-very suddenly and jauntily skips downstairs and practically collides with Ian at the door- Honey, who is at- Wow, hello. -drapes a naked arm over Ian’s shoulders- You’re not cheating on me, are you babe? -gives Papa Winters a once over- Cause if you’re not, I might. Damn… Sorry, did I hear you ask about someone called Olivia? Really wish we could help you, but I’m afraid we don’t know an Olivia. Isn’t that right, shnookums? -boops Ian on the nose- We just moved in last week. Still getting to know everyone around here, you know?

Olivia? Ol– Ooph. [Suddenly and quite unexpectedly Ian is cat-attacked by Salem and so taken aback by the speech, all he can do is stand there, mouth hanging open. Did he really raise his cat to be like this? At the same time however, brow furrowed, he slowly realizes that he really ought to go along with the skit… For what reason, he wasn’t entirely sure. But O hadn’t come down the stairs, and the town was full of wanted and unwanted guests. So he plastered on his best smile, bringing out that old Morrison charm.]

Would I ever? Psh, honestly. I don’t know why you would ever doubt me, babe. You’re the one with the wandering eyes for every guy that goes by in a pair of man-jeggings. I’m left at home slaving away… Do you know him? Is this how you tell me you’re leaving me!? Your best friend and lover–

Sorry, sorry forgot you were standing there. You’ll have to excuse our banter, it’s been a lifelong thing he and I. But yeah, we don’t really know anyone nevermind an Olivia. Although, wasn’t there once a Liv? You remember, back in the Bahamas? Great time out there. Lots of sunshine. 10/10 would recommend.

-He eyed them suspiciously, one eyebrow raised. His disgust at their clear sexuality was evident on his face, however, he refrained from commenting on the matter- Hmm... Pity. I was really hoping I would find her before I had to leave town. You really can’t help me out? I’m sure you know someone... who perhaps knows someone else... who may know who I’m looking for? -casually glancing around the house behind them- As you may have guessed, I’m rather eager to see her again.

salem-samson:

ian-magic-son:

Sure, sure he’s the cat. Why not? Why not… What else can this day possibly churn out? [opening the front door]

Uh, hey there man. Do… Do I know you?

Oh, finally. I was beginning to think that no one was home. I’m looking for someone. A girl. Blonde. Goes by Olivia. I was told she lived here.

He probably has a pair in–

-Olivia freezes at the sound of the worryingly familiar voice, listening attentively to conversation occurring down stairs. At the sound of her name, she glanced quickly to Samson with a look that was probably as close to panic as she could manage. Quickly, she crept to a place where she could see the front door without being seen herself, the colour almost completely draining from her cheeks when the impossible was suddenly made very possible indeed.-

-pulling on the ridiculous chinos when he hears the voice and instantly looks at Olivia- Olivia, wait-... -following close behind her and whispering- Stay here, okay? Or... or hide. Just... don’t come down.