sakura

Rina had actually known Sakura longer than any other member on the panel despite their lack of actual closeness as friends. She recalled that, when they first met, Sakura was much more quiet and closed off. She spoke with monotone and wore darker clothes. Rina probably didn’t see her smile for a year. She’d always just attributed to Sakura growing up and becoming more comfortable in general. But seeing as she was before, horror didn’t seem too far fetched.

“Yes, when I first met Sakura she was just fifteen. We trained together a long time. She used to be more shy, maybe even a bit scary because she was so quiet. I could see her liking horror movies.”

“Scary? Unnie, you were just so pretty and cool that I was intimidated.” Sakura didn’t like Rina sharing anything about her past that would make it look like she was ever anything but beautiful, cute, talented, friendly, and charismatic. Too bad part of keeping up that appearance was never stopping anyone from saying otherwise. Rina was the loose end, the only one who knew her then. Sure, maybe old classmates would bring out photos of her but what would that really show? They all bullied her, they’d never admit it now that she was famous. Anyone from her past life who tried to bring her down now would hopefully be seen as evil as they truly were. She didn’t explain why she liked horror, she’d keep it a mystery and let the game move on.

“I guessed that Remi-ah’s favourite movies would be animated movies because she is so young and free like a cute cartoon.” And acted like a fucking child all the time.

What is your friend’s favourite movie genre?

Remi glanced at Skura who sat on her right. She was so beautiful it was hard to even think. Remi often found herself shaken by her members’ beauty but Sakura had a perfect personality to match. But Remi had never seen her watch a movie and she had no idea what Sakura may like. She expressed hesitation, biting her lip before silently writing her answer in front of her. Sakura giggled as she wrote what she thought of Remi. The other girls murmured to each other too. Realizing the silence of the broadcast, Remi spoke up.

“This is hard. We are all so different. We don’t even watch movies together because we have no time.”

The timer went off and her pair was selected first. “I think that Sakura-unnie likes…Romance?”

Sakura had considered lying about her hobbies, she would do whatever she could to be liked of course. However, being so cute and soft but interested in what she was actually into was pretty dynamic. Weighing the costs and benefits, Sakura decided that people would like her more if she told the truth here. That was a first.

“Ah, no, sorry. My favourite genre of movie is actually horror movies!”

It was a guest appearance. A rising YouTube channel that played fun games with idols had invited them to participate. The girls were to take a friendship quiz about each other in pairs. Kitty was excluded due to sickness from not eating properly. Already. The company would claim it was for meeting for a collaboration after they let some buzz start for attention. Sakura found it ironic they were taking friendship quizzes since none of them really new anything about each other or even liked each other much. Sometimes she felt the less she knew about them, the better. Too much about certain ones and she was sure she’d equate them to her high school bullies, making it much harder to get along (or at least pretend too).

The girls stood in a straight line to film their intro. Sakura got to begin after their greeting. “Hello, welcome to Channel 52. Today we are going to test our friendship levels by guessing facts about each other. It’s going to be lots of fun so please stay tuned!” Sakura grinned, determined to stay charming. 

Dinnertime || Self Para

Keeping the lights off while the sky is still bright saves energy bills. Instead of the warm light of a home, the house was a cool grey. The March afternoon was cloudy and dull, it had rained a bit on the walk home. Sakura rolled up her cucumber sushi, her freshly washed hands sticking to the seaweed. The small thumb of the knife on the cutting board was the only sound that could be heard on such a quiet day. She slid her plate on to the kitchen table. It was a lightwood dining table in a perfect square. Sakura had never eaten at it with anyone though, she was always alone. 

SAKURA’S BEDROOM || self para

It was the smallest room in the house besides the washrooms, originally an office for her uncle before he had to move his desk into his own room. She fit a twin bed, a small desk and a full length mirror inside with enough room to move around a bit on the floor. This is her true safe haven, she’s only really happy here. It’s where she can blast her rock music late at night and dance around her room. She can pretend her bed is a stage and she’d performing to the floor. She can curl up in her covers with some chips and watch a new scary movie (or maybe just her favourites over and over again). She can play horror games on her 3DS or her laptop. She can read some of her favourite mangas. It’s where she was in her own heaven of things that made her happy. Sakura dreamed of having the kind of control in her life that these monsters had in theirs. She got to pretend she was like them, hurting those who hurt her. Just for a moment but it was enough.

“Uh, yes.” Rina never expressed to her members her secret hatred of her sister. They’d seen what looked like friendly rivalry between them at most. She wished Hyeyeon hadn’t brought it up, but who could blame her? 

“I look up to my big sister Kwon Seyoung. I’m also a big fan of IU, Boa, and American artists like Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande.”

“You’re a big fan of all around talents then? Female artists with good stage charisma and lots of diverse ability?” Sakura poked her head between Hyeyeon and Rina. It was a game of screentime after all. She wasn’t a fan of any of the artists listed in the slightest, but it was exactly what she pretended to enjoy. “I see that in you, unnie. You’re an all around talent and your on stage personality is the best.”

“Moon Hyeyeon here! Ready to make your eyes only for me?” Hyeyeon introduced herself over-dramatically so it sounded like she was kidding. Her members probably knew she was not. “I hope that AriaHex enchants you all!”

She was relieved the moment she was put on the couch. She didn’t need to sit shoulder to shoulder on the nasty ground with the other members. Instead, Sakura got to be seen on top next to Faye who was already popular. Hopefully this would help rise herself.

“Hello, world! Sweet as cherry blossoms themselves I’m Sakura! Nice to meet you.” Sakura made her eyes bright, bowing at the camera. She was gifted the girliest costume of all. A matching silky set that was red with white strawberries on it and a heart eye mask. Her hair was curled into two pigtails. 

“Yes!” Remi jumped on agreeing the moment she heard Sakura reveal something about herself. Maybe they were even more alike than she thought. Besides Qinqin, Remi looked up to Sakura next. She was so beautiful and kind, and everyone liked her. Well, except Gajeong and Hyeyeon, but who did they really like? “I mean, like, don’t feel bad. I feel the exact same way. I haven’t had good friends since I was really little so I was hoping that AriaHex would be my chance to make lifetime sisterhoods.”

God, is that what she sounded like? How annoyingly desperate. Then again, that was kind of the character description of Remi. Still, she managed a soft smile.

“Really? Remi-ah, you are like a little sister to me, you know I want nothing but the best for you.” Sakura pounced on the moment like a tiger on its prey. 

Remi knew it was wrong to have remained silent until Hyeyeon left but she didn’t want to say anything that may appear to be against her in fear of losing her closest friend in the house. 

“Uh, I agree with you too, Sakura. I do want us to all be friends. I think we can get close as time goes by if we try.” And, oh, would she try

Sakura smiled at the success of her words. She seemed to be the victor of the conversation and that was enough for her. But to really sink it in...

“I just never had this, you know? A group of girls who were like me, who shared a dream. I didn’t have a lot of friends in school but I guess I felt like this could be my family. It’s changed so much over the years but, we’re finally here. Shouldn’t we be happy?” Sakura let her voice quiver, as if she was holding back tears. Of course, none came.

“That’s rich. Faking that you don’t want to be fake. Either way, you’re right and I think you do actually agree with me so I’ll let it slide.” Gajeong crossed her arms, a sneaky smile on her face. she rarely called Sakura out especially in front of others, but her frustration was rising and her filter was even less there than usual. Maybe it was just habit to never believe a word Sakura said. But the girl had to be sincere sometimes, right? Gajeong was probably being too harsh. 

“Gajeong, I seriously want us to get along. Please, don’t accuse us all of being fake and then disputing the things we say genuinely. I do agree with you and I agree with Hyeyeon too. We all want to succeed so even in the times when we don’t get along, we shouldn’t let it show. But instead of being cold when there are no cameras, we should use that time to get better.”

Sakura put on her more sincere face. This time, her words were not lies. Although, she didn’t believe she could ever truly get along with her members. She’d learned long ago that pursuit of friendship only ended in heartbreak for her. So she’d read the room and pretend. A fake friendship was better than nothing. She would feel empty either way.  Ideally, all the other members of AriaHex would form real friendships and believe she was a part of the warm feeling too. They’d include her in things and speak kindly to her. It’d be almost like the real thing except she wouldn’t feel anything. Maybe because she was too disconnected with emotion, maybe because they wouldn’t actually be friends with her, just what she pretended to be. She’d never show her true self and so, even when she was loved, she wouldn’t really be loved. It was a paradox of wanting love but having to lose herself and her heart to get it so that she couldn’t feel it anyways.

“Oh, cool, so we’re just going to be the group full of fake bitches who pretend to like each other? Instead of actually trying to get over ourselves and be legit? When was the last time any of you actually said what you were feeling?” Gajeong hated Hyeyeon almost as much as Sakura, at least the redhead had her moments where she addressed the truth. Still, the thought of living a double life by being friends in front of the camera then snipping at each other at home disgusted Gajeong.

She was completely right. Sakura found Gajeong often said what Sakura was thinking. If anything, she phrased it more kindly. Still, she despised her. Not only could Gajeong get away with saying anything she wanted, something that Sakura had repressed for years to stay likeable, but she still got to have prime roles in AriaHex. It wasn’t enough that she got main rapper, she got to steal position as visual over girls who’d been in the lineup longer, namely, Sakura.

“Gajeong is right. We need to really learn to get along as a group or we’ll never succeed. We’re always shutting each other out. We’d be much happier if we began to open our hearts to each other. I don’t want to be faking friendships instead of trying to create real ones.” Sakura furrowed her brow, lies falling of her tongue easily. She had no choice to fake it. Her real self was too dark and far gone. If she were to let it out, she’d lose her mind. So she’d continue letting her outside and inside be polar opposites forever. Why would she be her old self when nothing good ever came from it? Why would she be her true current self if it’d only make people hate her? Being synthetically perfect was all she could do. Face it, Sakura peaked at age 6. Everything else was just a pursuit of happiness, a vain attempt to fill a void within her. But, hey, she had to try, right? If it meant a chance at being loved again? Even if she didn’t believe she could feel it herself anymore.

“Qinqin-unnie. Is it alright if I turn out the light? I’d like to go to sleep now.” Sakura asked sheepishly. Despite her hatred for the girl, she was never anything but kind to her.

kittyxah‌:

Kitty whirled her head to the girl next to her. Why did Hyeyeon always have to be such a bitch? Did she need attention that badly? She always seemed to think she could get away with anything because she was pretty. As much as Kitty was jealous of her beauty, she hated her attitude. The real waste was a pretty face paired with a mouth full of shit. Usually she let her comments slide but Kitty’s ears burned with embarrassment as the girls glanced at each other with varying levels of awkwardness. 

“Hey, no one asked you. Can’t you mind your own business?” Kitty shook her head. “I said I’m not hungry.”

“Wow, don’t be so touchy. I was kidding. But, seriously, we were all thinking it.” She knew she was being mean, she almost couldn’t help it. It was a thrill. Besides, she’d talk her way out of it like always, that was part of the thrill too. She shook off the smile on her face, still tempted to laugh. “I’m agreeing with you anyways. You shouldn’t eat it.”

“I think Kitty should be allowed to do what she likes with her own body.” Sakura spoke up, finding an opportunity to show up Hyeyeon. No one liked her anyways, but at least now Sakura could contrast her nastiness with words of wisdom. She knew just what to say. 

“But, Kitty, please treat yourself well. We can’t tell you what to do, your decisions must be made on your own, but remember the importance of health when it comes to success. We say this because we care.” She didn’t care. Kitty could starve and die and Sakura wouldn’t shed a tear over it. But the success of her members ultimately meant her own success so Sakura did whatever she could to put them on the path.

She knew she was mean but at least she was real about it, any malice in Sakura was hidden deep beneath the surface. Hyeyeon would often question herself, maybe she was wrong all along, and then she’d see that flicker in the younger girl’s eye again and it’d bring rise to a whole new wave of suspicion. Being so cheerful and beautiful, Sakura looked like the type who would’ve been a preppy popular girl in school. However, Rina always claimed that when they started training, Sakura wore all black and was very quiet. Had she just grown up from then or was the change a forced suppression? 

“Duh, what else? I’ll ask Remi to come with us too and it can be a little party. We barely get let out of our cage so finishing before dark tomorrow is a God send.” Hyeyeon widened her eyes, Remi was the only girl who was truly in the palm of her hand. The poor thing wanted acceptance so bad that any harsh word from Hyeyeon could be easily made up for by a compliment. Hyeyeon loved the power she had over her, maybe she’d have a good influence on Sakura. 

Duh. What a fucking condescending airhead. Sakura wished she just crack her head open. The red hair made the image more available in Sakura’s mind. She knew why Hyeyeon wanted to bring Remi, the baby would do anything Hyeyeon asked of her. It didn’t take much to realize that Remi was victim to some sort of abuse in the past, her backstory was full of so many holes that she’d refuse to fill. Hyeyeon was a bitch for manipulating the kid like that. Sakura manipulated her too of course, but it was because her true personality would be of no interest to any of these girls. She had to fake it to be liked. She wouldn’t use it to get Remi to follow her around like a puppy dog. 

“They say trainees are busiest just before debut but that seems to be us all the time. Not that I mind, at least we’re well trained. We’ll be like professionals upon debut for sure.”