ONE DAY THE STRANDS WILL MEND.

'make me': I want this

'I need to punch something': I'm stressed and need walkies

'piss off': never leave me

'I'm going to kill you': thank you for the compliment

'I'm not a fucking dog': put a muzzle on me ASAP

'fuck you': I love you

Melanistic fallow deer filmed by Jakub Wencek in the forests of Barycz Valley.

Bear, aged 8, was the leader of this particularly chaotic takeaway. I overheard them pretending to phone another customer - customer order 125 - and explaining that their delivery would be delayed by approximately fifteen minutes due to a “rockslide.”

“Hey, wait a minute, what was that?” I asked.

“Are you order number 125?”

“No, I’m order number 165.”

Bear said severely, “we don’t give information about other people’s orders.”

“That’s very professional,” I said, “but what was that about a rockslide?”

Bear said, “that’s not your order.”

“Sorry,” i said, justly chastened. “Was it a big rockslide? Is it on the news?”

“If you need information about your order, you will get it.”

My pretend phone then pretend rang, so I had to answer it. It was the takeaway.

“Number 165? Your order will be delayed by five minutes.”

“Oh,” I said, “why?”