Okay this is going to be more of a serious post. I don't know when it started today, because I woke up in the afternoon, but I noticed that there are some people who used to be in my server who decided to make a call out post (if you will) about me and my Discord server. There are some things I wanted to talk about and clear up and just put out there, especially for those who were involved. Also for the ones that I didn't or couldn't get in contact with (yet), so hopefully they'll see this as well.
The first thing I want to talk about is the kicking and banning of certain members. I am somebody who has my own biases and opinions of people, just like everyone else, but those opinions and biases can lead me to make bad or not very well thought out decisions. I don't know if those involved would want me to go through the entire situation in detail, so because of that I'll try to summarize as best as possible. There was a certain incident in my server regarding 2012 April, and even though I've gotten a little bit better about it recently, I do have a very strong opinion towards her character is a lot of you may know. Shit talking about her is not out of the ordinary for me. So I shared a certain comment from a YouTube video in my server, and one of the individuals involved had a problem with that and felt that I was using my server inappropriately. I responded to them very aggressively, a response that was intended to have the conversation be dropped entirely which was not the best move, and led to me waking up to a whole load of responses from that individual and others agreed with them. My server Mods (at the time) we're feeling very overwhelmed and I decided that that was enough to ban that person. I also had my own biases towards them as far as their personality and whatnot, so I used that as ammunition as well. I asked them for their social medias and misled them into giving them to me so I could block them. I went to sleep once again after that, only to wake up to a discussion about me and my server that came from those who were close to that individual. It was something that was very overwhelming to wake up to, and I wasn't going to argue with several different people at the same time for my own mental health. So I just block them all instead of actually having a conversation about it. I addressed it briefly in my server, but that was about it. For me, the conversation was over and the situation had moved on.
But that was wrong for me to do. I have a really difficult time acknowledging when I should talk to people instead of just pretend they don't exist. After everything had transpired, I genuinely didn't want to reach out to any of them or come to some understanding, because I felt like it wasn't worth it and nothing was to be gained. On some occasions, that's true and it's just better to move on from the situation. But in this particular instance, it was not the right move, and that's why it's coming to light again now. I only reached out two individuals so far today that were involved in that situation, one that wasn't involved in that particular situation but we had a separate incident (mainly because I don't have the others social medias or Discord account numbers, but I am happy to have a conversation with any of them if they find this post and if they're willing to talk to me about it), and I did express the fact that I wanted to apologize for my actions and really give my side of the story which I didn't at the time. Because I didn't explain anything when I had done it. Another big reason why I wanted to reach out to them as well is because I had already made amends with one individual that was a part of that situation, and they convinced me to reach out to them and try to come to some understanding. I didn't think that I was going to be able to move past it with them, but I did and it honestly surprised me. So I want to try, even if that means those involved or even those who weren't still hate me, because they're completely entitled to that. Not everything is going to end with us coming to a mutual understanding, be and I wholeheartedly respect that.
I understand that there are a lot of people who are upset with me and the way that I acted in my server. Some of them, were genuine misunderstandings to me personally such as the racist comments. As a person of color myself, I want to say that I would never try to intentionally be racist or say anything harmful of anyone based on their race. But one person pointed out to me that my comment about how I find that a lot of Asian (and I said Asian just because it's a variety of Asian accounts, not just Japanese) / Russian / and even sometimes Spanish accounts that follow me (mostly on Twitter, is what I was referring to) are following a lot of Tcest artists or people that I've had blocked. Or they have a lot of what I find to be personally distasteful art in their likes. So anytime I get followed by one of these accounts I ultimately get weary right off the bat. I apologize if this was or was taken as a racist comment, I was not trying to be racist to any of those ethnicities. I personally was just pointing out that that's typically my experience with them, but I can understand how that can be taken a certain way and I should have thought about my wording when I had said it. So I do apologize for that, and to those that I've hurt by saying that.
The next thing I wanted to address is my server as a whole. I acknowledge that my server has a lot of problems, and I'm more focused on running it in a way that accommodates me more than it will accommodate the people that are in it. I had that particular outlook because I'm the only one in my server that actually runs everything. All my mods are busy with their own personal lives, and I completely understand and respect that and I never once expected them to take the server very seriously. I know that the server is my sole responsibility and that I should be the one to take care of it and run it. But because of that, it can be very overwhelming for me and I'm only one person. And the reason I haven't added more mods because I only give a mod role to those that I'm genuinely close with and I can trust. Because of that stress and pressure, the way I react to certain things or people in there can be harsh and cruel. I have a very introverted and occasionally cold personality, so creating a server was an interesting decision for me to make. I created it so that I could get out of my shell and meet new people and just indulge in TMNT with other people who also like TMNT. And that's what people in my server are trying to do as well, but because I'm so stickler for my rules (since I'm the only one running the server), it can make it hard for them to do so. I haven't created the best environment, and I acknowledge that that's my fault. I don't have a set in stone solution, but I am going to try and work on it. A friend of mine even suggested that I make a Google form so that people in there can express their concerns or maybe suggestions, and that it would be a better alternative to the Q&A that I have in there, since it has the ability to be anonymous. So I'll be making moves towards that.
The last thing I'll address in this post is just my overall treatment and handling of certain members. Like I mentioned before, I can feel very entitled to how I feel in that moment and think that that course of action was just based off of how I felt and my personal perception of the situation. That's not always right, and I acknowledge that. I was being very hypocritical in saying that I value communication though I didn't communicate properly in these situations. It would have been better if I just communicated with them sooner rather than later, and the fact that it's already been several months now is what led it to be a big problem. I kind of always assumed that I needed a specific reason to bring something up to someone, otherwise it would feel like it was coming out of left field. But I'll try to be better in communicate how I feel about certain members, just so that we could try and work something out so that I don't have to be so angry or annoyed and they don't have to feel that towards them. Also understand that there is some that genuinely looked up to me, and I treated them very poorly. So if this applies to anyone in my server, then please know that I wholeheartedly apologize. I understand if you don't want to talk to me or interact with me again, but I hope that reading this will help give you some closure and an overdue apology.
I was just going to ignore the whole situation and let it blow over again, but I realize that that is what got me here in the first place thanks to some friends talking to me about it. So I'm making the statement. Also at the request of one of the individuals that was involved. I'm sorry for giving such a terrible view and impression of me, both in my server and out of it, and I would like to move on from this in a healthy way. I truly want to grow from this. So if anyone would like to reach out to me that was involved, please feel free to do so (or maybe have a friend ask me if you can't personally contact me yourself). And to those that I did get the opportunity to have a conversation with about it, thank you for allowing me to speak to you personally after all this time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
theartofmadeline
2087
yousharknotpass
amandla
kianamaiart
