eat your fill

Being early transition was really lonely and really scary, I was figuring myself out and looking for approval, as well as guidance and community with other trans women

There’s something I experienced though that kinda alienated me from some trans spaces, both online and irl

When I’d mention I was interested in guys, I’d often be met with responses like “ew” or “im so sorry for you” or “yeah that usually goes terribly” or “you’ll come around eventually” or “men aren’t worth the time of day” or “jesus, stay safe”

I already had very poor self image and low expectations for my romantic prospects, but it was often the words of other trans women that demoralized me further. The idea that I didn’t even have a chance, that it would go bad, and that it was pitiable of me that I even wanted to… It made me feel like i was just gonna be single forever

I think lesbian defaultism is also actually really common in transfem spaces. Perhaps because as a trans lesbian into trans lesbians, you’d want to surround yourself with other trans lesbians, so it’s a bit self-reinforcing? I think it leads to a very specific culture about men though. I don’t know if it’s because of echo chambers or what, but earlier in my transition it made me feel alienated from lots of trans spaces. When I was low confidence and looking for reassurance, I was being told by multiple trans women who I looked up to that my attraction to men was sad and ill-fated. It was exhausting.

I started to drift away from the irl trans community I had access to because of it. I didn’t really wanna be faced with passive negging, and being told I’d come around eventually and realize men aren’t worth it. It’s funny, isn’t it? I feel like I’m gonna get hit with that meme of the video “a world where straight is the minority” or whatever

Anyhow, I totally understand having bad experiences with men, or wanting to vent your own frustrations with them. I understand if you eventually discovered your own attraction to men was just comphet. I understand if it’s something you wish someone had told you earlier. I understand if you’ve found community with other trans lesbians. I’m happy for you. But telling vulnerable trans women that they won’t find love is something I’ve seen enough that it’s a pattern, and I just wanted to vent about it

I feel like this centering of sapphic relationships as the only real way to be happy as a trans woman is almost treated as inherently cool or punk and if you feel at all excluded by it, well then you’re way too sensitive and you should shut the fuck up.

Like oh, what, you tried to hang out with lesbians and were surprised they don’t like men? Shocker.

Well that was kinda the trans group at the office of LGBT resources at my university. It was really the only community I had there.