jarrus.

TOMMY MARTINEZ // have you met KANAN JARRUS yet?  HE is now THIRTY-THREE years old TRANS MAN HUMAN, originally from CORUSCANT but typically reside on YAVIN 4.  after everything he’s gone through, he shows loyalty to THE NEW JEDI ORDER.  he is best known for being a JEDI KNIGHT, & i hear he’s grown pretty COURAGEOUS yet also DISTRUSTING at times; i hope he survives the galactic war. (APRIL)

“astute.” she remarks wryly, arms folded across her chest as she steps across his path. no helmet covers her face - no need, both in the regard of his blindness and his own knowledge of her face - yellow eyes glinting in the high sunlight. her hair has once again been cropped short, what remains pulled back from her face in a series of braids and buns. “did you really expect otherwise, kanan jarrus?”

she nodded respectfully at the correction, carefully filing the fact away in her head. she would have to get to know this hera better. they were part of the family, weren’t they ? she hoped kanan would be willing to introduce the two of them.

as he continued, though, depa paused in her tracks, rearing back slightly. a son ? kanan had a son ? her eyes widened with surprise, finding herself unsure of what to say. it wasn’t such an awful thing, really, but. she hadn’t expected it. that was all. “kanan,” she said slowly. “kanan, that’s wonderful.” she didn’t know what she was going to say until she said it. because — it was, wasn’t it ? to have a child was such a gift. kanan was — he had been such a gift to her.

   Jocasta rubbed her chin once more as Kana further elaborated on this mysterious Bendu creature. “Power but ambivalent to the problems of the universe?” Jocasta let out a small chuckle. It sounded all to familiar, “During the Clone Wars, and even before the Battle of Naboo very similar criticisms were thrown at the Jedi Order as a whole.” She pondered it for a second further, the idea that destroying both sides was more noble than choosing a side was……interesting, though Jocasta disagreed with it very deeply. “The Bendu Monks certainly picked a side, they helped found the Jedi Order, but that idea it is……problematic. The idea that both sides of a battle should be destroyed is wrong. While battle should be avoided, in some instances there are very clearly those who are in the right and those in the wrong. Perhaps the Clone Wars was a grey area, but the Rebellion? No one could say what the Empire was doing was right.” 

That   is   a   young   man’s   belief,   someone   who   had   risen   up   against   evil   and   fought   it.   Not   someone   like   him,   who   had   felt   the   touch   of   darkness   and   (   even   though   he   hadn’t   remembered   it   )   had   embraced   it.   “   You   remind   me   of   your   master,   Kanan   Jarrus.   “   he   had   known   Depa   Billaba   through   his   strong   friendship   with   Mace   Windu,   and   she   would   make   a   formidable   opponent.   This   man   would   have   been   too   young   to   take   saber   lessons   with   Dooku,   if   he   was   alive,   before   his   departure.   He   did   not   remember   the   jedi   in   front   of   him.   He   wondered   if   Jarrus   remembered   the   Count.   “   She   too   had   hope.   “   

“No   cause   is   lost   as   long   as   one   fool   is   left   to   fight   for   it.“   @sacreficied​​   

Their smile turned somber once again with his dire words of sacrifice and loss. He doesn’t have to tell her the choice he’d make because they’d already lived it. The aftermath of his decision to protect Hera, to protect all of the crew that Sabine called aliit–  it weighed on them both. Weighed on all of the Spectre crew, really, but it sat in between them in the here and now.

“Yeah, me, too.” The tone-shift was heavy and awkward to navigate, something she didn’t really want to adopt right now. With everything that had happened in the last few years, loss was always on the forefront of their mind– often partnered with guilt. “Still, uh, we’ve always been lucky enough to have each other.” Almost always. “What’s on your mind, Kanan?”

balancing his life as a jedi and what he owed, what he wanted to owe, to ghost crew was not an easy task. there had been years where no attempt had been made –– something that had shifted when they had stumbled across ezra, that realization of what, exactly, he was missing in his life. kanan wanted better for himself now. he wanted better for all of them. he wanted to be a better man that he had been in the past.

the question made zaeda’s skin crawl. “i’ve never considered myself to look like one, so maybe looks don’t fucking matter.” it wasn’t his fault, and they knew it was unfair to snap at anyone who wasn’t actually involved in their death, but then again, life (and death) weren’t fucking fair. still, recognizing him, remembering the kid he used to be, actually made her feel a little guilty about the way she responded. she should have been happy for him for surviving, and deep down, she knew probably was – but just then, she was spiraling all over again, heart and head pounding as they remembered their life had ended. ended. that moment, the pain and the silence, rang in her mind ad infinitum. it made it hard to be happy or level. “so, you survived. how’d you manage that?”​

( from seventh )

@seventhsith

“Probably didn’t want to rub it in,”  Zeb teased. They knew Kanan was there if they needed him, but they were relieved he wasn’t pushing a serious talk about this. Kanan had his stubborn⁠ moments—karabast, they both did, Zeb would cop to that—but he also knew when to say when with this stuff.   (Usually.)  

Zeb’s ears twitched at his next comment.  “Nah, it’s been, uh, you know. Radio silence from old Fulcrum lately.”  He knew Kallus had been avoiding him, he just didn’t know if it was because of the kiss they’d shared on Life Day or the hell that broke loose afterward.  “But sure, I wouldn’t say no to a good challenge. Let me know when you find someone who can give me one.”

corners of his mouth remained lifted, leaving it there. if for whatever reason zeb felt the need to talk about it more, the door was open, and he felt certain that the other knew that. there was no sense in trying to push more out of it, neither of them were the type for such a thing.

   Jocasta’s hand gently rested against her chin, listening to Kanan as he explained her theory in how to exploit their lack of presence in the force, the void that they left. It would be difficult, but Kanan had overcome so much, that if anyone could do it it would be him. “I have faith that you can be able to master this theory of her’s. I will search the archives that we have to see if there is anything I can find to help you with this endeavor.” She let out a small sigh, if she had access to her old archives, there were so many more books that would have helped Kanan, that she simply no longer had access to. Though when she heard him speak next, she rose an eyebrow. 

“Bendu? A creature named the Bendu?  Interesting, the symbol of the Galatic Republic was derived from a religion known as Bendu. Very few texts related to the Bendu Monks survived though, and some believed they were one of the founding basis of the Je’daii Order, and I once read an older tome, that spoke of the center of Ashla, and Bogan being known as Bendu, which the monks took that as their name, considering they were non-confrontational and pacifists. I wonder if the Bendu Monks, had anything to do with this Bendu creature. Oh, I am quite envious of you, Kanan to have met such a creature.” 

the vote of confidence was appreciated, more needed than what kanan could properly express with his own words, swallowing down whatever bits of nerves remained and giving a nod of his head in response. they would figure it out because they needed to. because eh could not imagine another way forward through this mess yet, and he was not willing to give up on it. if it meant going back to atollon, or to... somewhere, anywhere where he’d be able to figure it out, then he would do exactly that. whatever he could contribute to this, he would. there were other roles, roles beyond fighting, but accepting that felt akin to giving up.

after the conversation that he’d had with master nu, returning to atollon felt like... the right thing to do. from what he’d heard, there wasn’t much activity on the planet these days. that was not a huge change from the planet that he remembered but it was no longer an active rebellion base which meant the two of them would need to be cautious, given the precarious state of the galaxy these days. danger was nothing new to either one of them. but if bendu was still there, then perhaps he could be of some help. maybe not in fighting the vong, but in giving them a better sense of how to deal with it. how to see, again. but this was a new challenge, a different one, than the rut that kanan had been stuck in when he had first met bendu.

so. kanan was in a relationship. it wasn’t unheard of, to be entirely fair. jedi had their affairs — she had had her flings, even. but there was a difference between that & a proper relationship, between that & loving someone. relationships were forbidden to the jedi. the order she had known, had served for all of her life, would have her condemn him for it.

then again, depa knew attachment. what had love ever done but save her ?

“she sounds like quite the woman,” depa said after a moment. “i’m … happy for you, kanan, if you’re happy.”

“demiwoman,” kanan corrected after a beat, somehow finding that easier than... well, just about anything else. hera would have been fine with his master knowing that part of their life, he was certain of that. but master billaba’s approval... it almost felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, if it weren’t for the other shoe just waiting to drop, the bigger piece of it. he paused to take a breath, feeling his own anxiety still perpetuating between them.

Sabine listened with a focused intent as he spoke, trying to make meaning of her friend’s words. For all of the jokes and bullshit banter, they did like hearing Kanan talk. Liked learning about his creed and the family he once belonged to. 

“‘Easier said then done.’ That should be our crew’s tagline, huh?”

They paused on the notions of love and control and possession and guidance. She traced through their memories, wondering just how many actions had been driven by the desire to protect someone they cared about. More, it seemed, were inspired by the instinct than not. Whether it made them smart, or wise, she couldn’t say. Mandalorian or Jedi, everyone had to find a way to cope with the inevitability of feeling.

“Y’know, if I had to bet my money on the wisest of us, it’d probably be Hera. Sometimes I think they’re smarter then all of us combined.”

a huff of laughter pushed out of his nose and he nodded his head in agreement. no, something being hard had never discouraged them all from doing something –– it had only made them get a little more creative with how they had approached it. but he would give the others credit for that before himself, easily viewing them all as vastly superior to his own. he had his own strengths, that was just one that he saw being more advanced in the others.

“oh, absolutely,” kanan agreed with a deep chuckle escaping, giving a nod of his head as his arms folded across his broad chest. they would have all been lost without hera, not just him –– something that he was painfully aware of. “we’d all be lost without them.”