Turn Away.

You make me want to, swallow your pearls.

You make me feel, like I never have.

You make me feel; and I couldn’t be less glad.

You make me want to close my eyes.

You make me want to keep them closed in the storm.

You make me want to walk across a main road at night.

You make me set myself on fire to keep you warm.

You make me bend to all your wills.

You make me forget the way I once had my own.

You make me break my stupid back.

You make me wish I was alone.

You keep on taking, taking, taking.

You keep on taking more than I have.

You keep on asking for praise, for all that I’m making.

You keep on breaking, breaking, breaking.

You keep on taking, taking, taking.

You keep on breaking, breaking, breaking.

You keep on taking, taking and hating.

You tell me you love me, but you, don’t feel it.

You tell me things to, make me, believe it.

You tell me you’re trying, but you’re just, lying.

You tell me you’re changing, but you just keep chasing,

Things to fill the void that you claim someone else created.

A void like mine that I filled with things that are worth saving,

I feel your resentment as you dig your hands deep to find anything worth taking.

You keep on stealing, more than you need,

I breathe the silence, every night.

I dream of nightmares, when I’m awake.

I dream of sweet dreams, that you can’t take.

I can’t escape.

You talk in circles, I run the crops.

You speak instructions, I grieve the loss.

I know the silence, echoes in my head.

I know violence, oh god I’m dead.

I’m too scared.

I feel the pain, you smell my fear.

Warm open arms, chill me from here.

I don’t mistake, what’s give and what’s take.

You give demands, and destroy all at stake.

You take my love,

Hold it there as I dance the fence but when I fall I hit neither,

Side of the ground and find nothing greener,

Than the sound of nothingness and the absence that lingers.

Void of my problems,

Void of my memories,

Empty of words,

That always rung in my ears.

My blood is poison,

And it pumps through my veins.

Toxicity rising, it’s rotting out my brain.

The things that I felt,

Pushed inside like a child’s fingers in clay.

No sense of direction,

Just leaving mess to stay.

A temporary pain like a slow beating heart,

Throbbing like the lump in my throat as I say it’s all alright.

I’m over it, I’m done.

The silence that follows,

As honest as I come.

Because everything knows,

That I haven’t won,

Against the hurricane of thoughts,

That follows where I run.

I’m stuck in here,

Trapped like vermin fooled,

Always learn the hard way,

Never trust you.

Tear the flesh off my back and the rope from my throat like you ever cared for the words that pass it.

Like my tongue was ever good for more than making problems out of bastards.

I’m wrapped up in my problems and every finger that has held mine,

He cantillated “follow on the path; you might be okay.”

I looked to the sky, tonight.

The stars twinkled back; one day things might be alright.

I put my cheek against the sandy strait, and she delivered my tears of woe to the one who gives us life

“The moon is full of power, she changes all, and yet is consistent every night”.

How can we call it chaos,

When watching the sun rise?

We know the quantum theories,

And if we want the future we must seek history.

How can’t we call it destiny,

When it all falls into place.

How can’t we call it fate,

When we’re made and broken by what we face.

I looked for the light,

And the silver lining shon.

It shined like I’d imagined,

That hope would have felt; had it come.

I sought out every flower,

That I could smell and witness bloom,

Just to be reminded with a painful shot,

That I took my chances too soon.

I take each step as it comes,

As they told me that I should.

And it got harder before it got better,

Just as they told me that it would.

But who’s tongue may pass the waters of pleasantries for truth.

Sometimes life befalls us,

And sometimes there’s nothing we can do.

How can I kick, when I’ve no oxygen to spare.

Carrying the weight of the world on broken arms,

Immersed by the void left by those who cared.

Too focused on trying to stay afloat,

To spare a finger to blame.

Just hope they use their starry fate,

For thanks that I’ve no air to speak their names.

I know I’ve been forsaken,

Broken, wronged and used.

And I know my hands are not clean of blood,

Always seeking closure; I still expect I’ll never find.

In truth all I long to do is close my eyes,

And not be in confinement with my mind.

I used to escape so many times,

Bottles and pills, keep me in with my desk facing the back wall to do the lines.

Never though I’d have to be told twice, or even once,

Let alone, every time, I open the lids on these heavy eyes.

“You’re alive”, “thank god you’re okay”.

Thank God you could do something, Thank God you got here to save me;

But you don’t have to live with this every day.

“I’m so glad you’re here to stay”,

Icy nitrate mist seething around the gums that tightly hold my teeth, in between each breath my lungs take; in my heart I feel the decay.

I’m a zombie at best-

A walking ghost, with a heart of glass wedged in my chest.

It’s the weight I wearily bare-

Thought I’d be gone by now, that I would’ve been freed from this despair.

I hoped for clarity, so that I could find hope again,

But enduring all the all things that have been done to me,

When I found reality I ran.

But there’s no escaping these walls, I’m trapped in fear,

Y’all say you’re glad that I’m okay-

Put me up on a pedestal,

So I can kick it over when you most need me to stick around.

Feel my soles in the air and all the pins and needles that aren't there,

As I'm gasping for another breath that I pray that I won't catch.

Just like another year down,

Another tally mark on my wrist,

It's been a while now,

It's not getting better than this.

Week to week,

Day to day,

Second to second,

Take me away.

I said I'm getting better,

Tell me again, I know.

But I'm not seeing any progress,

I'm just wanting to let go.

The fear of giving up has taken after hope and gone,

They've run away, Romeo and Juliet, they're not coming home.

I'm not a home for love anymore,

Just an empty house.

Even my foundations are cracked,

And nobody comes around.

But they'll break the windows and come inside,

And they'll say they didn't,

They'll vandalise and lie.

I'm a squat for deceit and abuse,

Count myself lucky my walls are still of use.

I'm more empty than I can imagine,

Leave open wounds for beds of venom- then claim your innocence and flaunt like you’re better.

No wonder you don’t see me anymore, a horse too high to defend or descend from.

Wax wings will fail you, before you know what you’ve become.

Nothing but a hydra with a hundred forked tongues,

Deprived of truth because it’s a hard pill to swallow and tough just isn’t you.

Crocodile tears from eyes that see all,

They don’t know what you are yet, but they will when you fall.

Let them love what you present that you are,

Time will tell of your trails of scars.

Enjoy the lime light whilst you gaslight and bask in the rays of broken lives left,

When your castle’s built on lies, the truth is that your identity is empty- nothing but theft.

So to all those who kiss the toes of the one you think you know- and regard them as one of truth and love.

It’s only a matter of your downfall when their true colours show, their picture perfect hands are covered in blood.

Let me fall. Let him catch. Another life, another life, another life, kindled flames become a Sun. The flames of hell blush a rosy red. Golden are we, beneath the moon. Golden are we, beneath the storm. Forged was our love in life, and carved in eternity in death.

I vow to kiss the altar with your soul in mine.

My spirit is yours eternal.

Green light,

Fires,

Night light,

Strung up,

Worn down,

Open crops,

Drains downtown.

Hold without hope,

Love knows no rope.

The heat holds no bounds,

The fire burns-

As the the rain pours down.

Holding hope,

Through hemispheres away,

I draw each breath near,

Like the oxygen once was held in you,

How much I long for the truth.

Close my eyes,

Draw you near,

Far away, loud and clear,

You told me I was dear to you,

Butterflies or doves; my heart flew.

A field of doe and fawns,

Bearing claws,

You come down without a sound,

Bearer of death, with wings of life,

Shoot your shot and let with the knife.

Skulls and bones, never knew,

Any hesitation from you,

Hunter cloaked by the night,

Bless those deep brown eyes and heart of light.

Love like no one ever knew,

Kiss and tell ain’t what we do,

I’ll hold you close in empty arms,

A world away, I wish they could stop all harm.

Two am, summer night,

I fell in love with a heart ticking right,

How could I know, how could you have known.

I’d give my left hand to be the one to catch you there.

To hold you closer than you’d ever felt,

I’d send my soul down the wishing well.

Let it just be another tale to tell,

I’d give my life to lay my body down as you fell.

To kiss your skin and stroke your hair,

Even back in time I could never make it there.

My love, my love, my love,

Survival feels meaningless; nothing else can find space or purpose in what’s left of my mind.

Now I’m stuck with a life without it,

Caught wishing for wailing wounds but instead fated baited breath.

I don’t know how to function like this,

I simply don’t think I can.

It’s too much,

It’s not enough.

I’m too much,

I’m not enough.

How the present tells of our impatience as if it’s something of a moral or choice,

Rather than a broken hand on a clock that runs faster than I’ll ever think.

Scratching and scraping for something more,

No hope and no praying for anything beyond my fingertips.

Why let myself see beyond a shield from the past when nothing before me has ever last?

It’s always become too much,