they never cut me any slack

I’ll never give my heart away again.

It’s taking every single thing in me not to text you how much I miss you because it is so easy for you to never tell me that you miss me. I’m not immature but I can’t always be the one fixing this and trying so hard. You are always on my mind and I fantasize about your smile and your lips on mine. I want to tell you so many sweet things but I’ll just contain myself and hope that maybe when we both grow up a little bit more, we will find our way back to one and other when we can love each other correctly.

How I feel is so much more than simply being sad. I feel like I can’t properly communicate how I actually need to. I break down in tears over nothing because I hold them back so often. I wish I was numb again but I promised I’d never buy H again. I feel worthless, hopeless, and confused about almost everything happening in my life. I work so much and act like a content little server with my fake smiles and bullshit. I’m haunted by my past and anxieties. I feel as though I have a dark cloud above me and it follows me everywhere since I was just a child. I talked to therapists and psychiatrists and medicine only helps till it hurts you. When does this feeling ever stop? Will I ever be free?

There are really no painless and no sure ways to die so I’ll just keep painfully living. Not really living but getting by. I’m alive and that makes me so sad but I know some people are happy I exist and I don’t know why that’s not enough for me but it has been the last 21 years so I guess it will suffice.

my woman crush every Wednesday and 24/7♥️ she was teaching me sign language August 19th at 4am. I love you sweetness 🌹

It’s crazy how much can change in one month. I️ was on top of the moon, now my head is buried underground. I’m suffocating from sadness.