We Are All Mad Here

I hate this. I did everything for us I tried so hard. I know I wasn’t perfect but neither were you. Consistently lying to me never trusting you cause I didn’t know what was the truth and what wasn’t. Extreme jealousy because of that. I didn’t trust you ever with my heart. I believed you and still do when you say we will be together forever and that we’re each other’s person. Cause I feel it too.

I know it’s not meant to be now because your trying to better your self and it’s not fair to me to be part of that journey cause you’re going to end up hurting me and it will. But you’re spineless you keep distracting your self with everyone else and aren’t dealing with your shit. And that’s not fair to me cause that means we won’t be together for longer. But I need to get over you, I can’t have the thought we will be back together in my mind anymore. I can’t. It’s killing me and I keep putting you down cause you’re choosing to do this to me at this point of time. It’s evil.

You could of waited a couple months but no right after my rabbit died in my hands you choose to leave me. That’s not fucking fair. Where were you when I needed you? You didn’t answer cause you were too busy hanging out with your friends. It’s always them first now. I literally just called you balling my eyes out and you didn’t reserve your time for me anymore and told me I had to go.

And that I keep pushing you away cause I keep talking about us but I can’t talk to anyone else because they keep judging me and it’s toxic. Since you left I felt so alone. You were my everything my best friend and now your gone. My entire life has shifted in a negative way and I don’t know how to cope with it. So I push you away. Maybe it’s cause I don’t want the thought of us being together anymore cause I can’t handle it. I feel like I’m just waiting around on you and it’s going to take forever and it might not even be something you want.

I’m just flusterated and upset about it. I think I need to let go, it was a good two years but I deserve better who knows if this is going to keep happening to me. It’s toxic for me and my mental health and I know it. It’s just hard cause I know that’s not the truth.

I feel like I could of done more for you, I miss you so much. And was so excited that you were gonna be part of my life again the way it should of been. I’m sorry you had to be stuck in a a garage for six months that wasn’t fair to you but I couldn’t take care of you anymore, I shouldn’t have ever trusted anyone to take care of you. I know they starved you and that’s what made you die. As you were going through cardiac arrest in my hands I felt so hopeless and couldn’t do anything I felt like I failed you. I did my best to make things good for you I really did but I felt like it wasn’t enough I’m sorry you had to go like that. It didn’t seem pleasant and that’s what I should of done for you, put you down earlier so you didn’t have to go through that. But you did and I’m so sorry, I feel like it was my fault like everything else.

I loved you so much and still do. I hope your afterlife is happy and filled with bananas. Thank you for everything you’ve provided me. It was a great 7 years with you.

The thing is. I had the option to bring you back to still be with you. When you asked me the morning after we broke up, what did I wanted. I could of just said I wanted a break. Maybe things would of worked out then. Maybe not. But I choose to respect and say I just wanted to be friends.

The sad part is. I still love him. He’s becoming once again the man I loved. I loved that smile and kindness, it just took him a year or two to figure out I wasn’t going anywhere

I’m not supposed to feel this way. I love someone else. But this. It’s different. It feels like I have unfinished business with him.