YELLOW.

from the notebooks of melanin sun

here i am. alive.

this is all anybody needs to be happy.

you planning on staying awhile?

don’t keep me hanging.

and you’re important to me.

the world doesn’t work that way.

and when i can’t speak it, i write it down.

it feels right and whole and good.

don’t even try it.

there’ll be a hundred names for him. but he’ll know who he is.

just to let us know we’re still alive.

i’ll get it.

the bad kind.

i don’t believe you.

this is the last one.

you just don’t want it to happen, that’s all.

boy, i’ll go upside your head so hard you gonna wish you was never born.

i wish it didn’t matter so much. but it does, doesn’t it?

these are my notebooks. my stories.

it’s like that in our house.

what do you mean, what’s up with that?

so i keep quiet. 

what time is it?

i want to do the right thing.

i wish i was different.

i’m on the outside of things.

sometimes, i don’t have words. 

miracle’s boys

you ready?

i almost said, too.

feels like being a stranger in your own house, like everything that used to mean something doesn’t anymore. even your own name.

they don’t mess with me, i don’t mess with them.

you don’t know nothing about me, little boy.

if i was real quiet, it was like i was invisible.

no you. no more.

what’s wrong with you, man?

what made you cold?

nobody in this room talking to you. you hear anybody call your name?

that’s why i’m here asking you.

then you had to go and open your fat mouth.

like a clock ticking away somebody’s life.

reddest blood i’d ever seen in my life.

i know he didn’t kill anybody.

if they’re fast enough.

that’s cold, man.

blow somebody’s head off.

that’s what you think, stupid.

locomotion

i used to talk all the time.

you’ll sleep in here.

i felt safe then.

where’s that boy i used to know, the one who couldn’t be quiet?

and then i leave fast.

that ain’t right.

but i was just a little kid and nobody else was around.

you need to laugh sometimes.

some days, like today and yesterday and probably tomorrow, that’s all that’s on my mind.

and my voice got quieter. and quieter. and quiet.

this ain’t much, but it’s all i have.

the monsters that come at night don’t breathe fire, have two heads or long claws.

but i don’t.

last night this commercial came on tv.

i look at my knuckles.

sometimes i sit counting the stars.

the kind of crying where no tears came out.

first blood is a novel by david morrell. tw: guns and blood. 

‘ you shouldn’t be walking around. ’

‘ i don’t like being stared at. ’

‘ you’ve got to rest. take it easy. ’

‘ how did i get here? ’

‘ now i want you to stop talking and save your strength. ’

‘ leave me alone! i mean it! ’

‘ we have to stop the bleeding. ’

‘ keep your fucking hands off me. ’

‘ all right, play it tough if you want. ’

‘ let me be. ’

‘ i don’t feel a thing. ’

‘ but it’s the little things that make a town what it is, that you can watch to make it safe. ’

‘ you’re not tired. you’re afraid. ’

‘ i’m just not happy unless i get miserable every once in a while. ’

‘ that’s the last thing you have to worry about. ’

‘ i just was sorry. ’ 

‘ who does? ’

‘ try and remember. ’

‘ that’s very funny. ’

‘ hold still. ’ 

‘ what the hell’s going on? ’

‘ i have bandages under my clothes too. ’

‘ where’s my shoes and socks? ’

‘ you have to promise me. ’

‘ i didn’t want you to think i don’t care what happens to you. ’

‘ stand the hell up and identify yourself. ’ 

‘ you didn’t pull out the pockets in your jacket. ’

‘ is that plain enough for you to understand? ’

‘ get your dumbass away from the entrance. ’

‘ the gun’s not loaded. ’

‘ look at that sun. ’ 

‘ been waiting long? ’

‘ stay out of it. ’

‘ what the hell was that? ’

‘ sit down here on the floor. ’

‘ that isn’t necessary. ’  

‘ i’m alone. i need help. ’

‘ no, but you promised yourself, and that does count. ’

‘ christ, what’s the matter with you? ’

‘ i don’t sleep much anymore. ’

‘ wasn’t even a chance to go home and grab my rifle. ’

‘ you can’t leave me. don’t leave me. ’

‘ i’m fine. it’s a cramp. ’

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