star gay

been a while. not sure if anyone really remembers but i was pretty active in a few circles on here, namely the warriors fandom among others from 2013 onwards, throughout my high school years, dwindling as i went through university and into adult life

a lot has changed for me since then - i mean, who wouldn't change and grow from when they were 13 to 25? identity wise and interest wise, i'm old and boring now sure, but nothing gives me this pull of nostalgia like my tumblr days

just like how i stopped keeping up with the warriors series post avos, as the book series i desperately clung to and reread and reread to avoid the real world changed too much and i didn't love the characters or the story or the world as much as the early series

i did a deep dive of this entire blog (and privated all my other posts) and was just hit with this heavy feeling of pain

sadness for many reasons - the way i behaved - i was self-diagnosing myself with every mental illness i thought i related to, i was seeking attention, i was going along with some whole otherkin thing when initially i thought kin was just a slang term for saying you related to a character, and by the time i realised it was serious i was in too deep..

i was live-posting breakdowns... for all this, i give myself a bit of grace in this aspect as i was young and most people these days spend time on the internet being anything from cringe to ridiculous

i feel a sadness for the way i was feeling and the actual mental struggles i was facing where most of my help came from tumblr

i don't regret the friendships i had here, although i don't talk to anyone now - another source of pain is knowing of two people i was close with on here took their lives

i am posting this to say it is time for me to let this blog and part of my life go - i'm keeping everything privated, but won't delete the blog, and my inbox is open

whether we were good friends, or just briefly interacted while growing up on here over the past decade and a bit, i just want to thank you for being a part of my life, love and miss you all dearly

maybe i'll return someday, maybe we'll cross paths on some other online platform somewhere, but it is goodbye for now <3

edited and reblogging to say i’m going to try and be active on my personal tumblr @dreamairs