s2uare

It seems I only write these days when bad things happen.  Tumblr has apparently become less a daily dairy and more an occasionally needed outlet.

On Sunday, I learned of the passing of another one of my friends back in Canada; the second friend in as many years.  Once again I find myself unable to reminisce or grieve with friends.  And, once again, I won’t be able to go back for the services. 

It’s drastically changed my grieving process, to the point where I don’t really go through it anymore.  Without having family or friends that share the same memories, I can either have a complete breakdown alone, or bottle everything up, bury myself in work and training, and just keep on going.  I have subconsciously chosen the latter, despite knowing that it can’t be healthy. 

I was wrong.  

Having to say goodbye to friends as they move away isn’t the worst part of being an expat.  Having to wrap your head around sudden death of someone you’ve been friends with for over half your life is.  

There’s no one around you who knew the person so you can’t get drunk and remanence.  No one near to hug and share the mutual loss with.  If you live on your own, as I do, there’s no one to to just be in the same room as you to remind you that you’re not alone and to keep you out of your own head.  Knowing that you won’t be able to go back for the service because you can’t afford or get the flights.  

You just go through the motions of living; eat, go to work, train, go to sleep.  Mornings are the worst; waking up alone with your guard down so everything hits you full force.  Package everything into a box and bury it until you aren’t looking at Facebook hoping to see your friend come online but knowing she never will.

There’s something about EDM club/party/fantasy videos that makes my lizard brain go “Oh!  That looks like fun!”

...which is of course immediately followed by the rest of my brain shouting “Are you TRYING to give us an anxiety attack?!”

I know, I know...I’ve been really bad about writing lately.  I’ve been busy with so many other things that the blog has taken a back seat.  That I’ve been in Singapore for almost 5 years now, and things have gone from new and exciting to routine, doesn’t help matters.  

My dragon boating ‘career’ has kicked up a notch to the point where I’ve now competed in the Club Crew World Championships -- something I meant to write about but never found the time -- as well as the Hong Kong Dragon Boat Carnival -- AKA the international race the HKDBF holds in conjunction with annual the Dragon Boat Festival.  Keeping myself in competition shape took up the majority of my free time when it was just for the events in Singapore.  Now that I’ve got to keep myself at the top of my game to compete internationally as well it’s even more time consuming.  

In all honesty, a lot has changed since I last wrote.  The biggest change being that, after nearly 3 years of living on Club Street, I’ve moved.  Just one stop down the MRT line, but it’s a huge change.

Firstly, I’m now living on the 11th floor, not the 8th.  Secondly, I have an ocean view instead of a city view.  Thirdly, for the first time in nearly a decade, I have a balcony.  And fourthly, I’m living on my own.  I’d never lived without a flatmate, and after Bryan accepted a teaching position in Hong Kong, I felt that at 32 years of age it was time I gave it a try.  Getting promoted at work helped make the decision earlier.

Oh, I’ve been promoted at work.  That’s new too.

So far, the experiment is going well.  I still haven’t found the time to completely finish setting the place up -- or decide just how bachelor pad-ish I want to make it -- but my cube is starting to feel like home.  The entire unit is only 388sqft, which sounds tiny -- and it is -- but it’s really all the space I need.  An extra 50sqft would have been nice, so I could actually entertain people, but given my track record of hosting parties it’s really not much of an issue.

Wow.  It’s been a while since I last wrote.  Lots has changed.

There was a group of tourists on my MRT ride home this evening.  Or perhaps backpackers would be a better description.  They were young, blonde, fit and dressed in a manner that said they clearly weren’t accustom to the Singaporean weather.  Their backpacks, I’m assuming, were at their hostel.

The reason that I bring this up is that one of them had a dick drawn on the back of his left shoulder, in ballpoint pen.  It wasn’t the most masterful dick graffiti I’d ever seen -- I did go to arts school -- but I’d be willing to wager that the artist intended it to be erect.  The young man clearly had no idea it was there.  The intact nature of the piece indicated that no attempt had been made to scrub it off.  

I had an entry all drafted in my head, but then I logged on and discovered that it would have been nearly identical to my last post.  I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much; being an expat affords me a lot of opportunities so many people never get.  Constantly having friends you’ve grown close to leaving your life is hard though, and knowing that the odds that every person you become friends with is most likely going to leave in a year or two doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m not at a point in my life where I’m willing to crawl inside my own head and never interact with people again, so its just something I’m going to have to deal with.

I can see why locals -- not just in Singapore, but in general -- rarely end up becoming close friends with expats.  The longer I stay here, the more goodbyes I have to say.  Lately it seems that before I know it I’ll have said goodbye to everyone I know and I’ll be left here on my own.

The haze has come back with vengeance.  It is as oppressive as it is depressing and new reports say that it’s expected to be with us for the remainder of 2015.  

Thanks for the delayed monsoon season, El Nino.  

Dealing with it has become an emotional/mental battle as much as it is a physical one, and I can feel it getting to me.  At least during winter I could do things outside.  The haze is a different beast.  This is a battle that layers of clothes and a mug of hot chocolate can’t beat.  I can remember waking up and being excited by the possibilities of a fresh snowfall.  I am as of yet to wake up and think ‘Yes! Another low visibility day full of foul smells, a nagging cough and long term lung damage!’  Frankly, it is putting me in a place mentally where I do not want to be.

A Liberal majority, eh?  Well it’s not exactly the functioning minority I was wishing for, but it’s bound to be better than another 4 years under Harper.  I’ll admit, it does have me a bit worried about the economy, but hopefully Trudeau keeps his promises and undoes the damaging and divisive policies to the environment, sciences, First Nation’s and woman’s rights, world standing, etc that Harper pushed through while he was in power.  So far the first thing he’s done -- his post election speech -- has at least followed that tone, so maybe there’s hope.

What impresses me more than the much needed change at the top, was the high voter turnout.  Some provinces boasted a 73% turnout with the national average being somewhere close to 70% of all eligible voters making their way to the polls.  The number of youth voters was also reported to be the highest it’s been in ages, possibly due to there finally being a candidate/party that knows how to not alienate them.  Or chooses not to intentionally alienate and disenfranchise them.  Whatever the reason, it’s great that the fate of the country isn’t being determined by a less than ideal proportion of the population.  Now if we can only fix our electoral system.

fuck fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck.

Woohoo!  Go Jays!  

#bandwagonJumping #butNotReally

Seriously though, that 7th inning!  I’m not going to re-cap it because if I’ve seen it here in Singapore, you’ve definitely seen it in Canada.  Only in Toronto -- a city who’s NHL team can lose a series clinching game 7 in OT when they were up 4-1 in the last 10 minutes of the 3rd -- could an inning like that have happened.  I wonder how they’re going to play the next two series now that Bautista has informed baseballs that they’re no longer welcome in the city. 

What actually amazes me, more than Bautista’s HR, was the team’s complete turn around this season.  I caught a game live when I was in Canada this year -- like I do every time I’m home -- and they did not look like a playoff team.  They’d just come off a 10 game win streak. and even then they were so far back from the NYYs that making the playoffs was a pipe dream.  Kudos to them for turning that ship around.  Considering they’ve been crap since ‘93, it’s about damn time!  Too bad I don’t have any of my classic Jays posters here in Singapore.  Hopefully my new hat arrives before the season ends.

I’m not sure if my brain hates me, or I hate my brain.  Maybe it’s mutual.  Either way we don’t get along, and when we do it tumultuous at best.

I had an anxiety attack today at work.  Not the worst I’ve had, but now that I don’t get them as frequently as I use to, even the less severe ones hit me hard.  The frustrating part is that I don’t know what the trigger was, it just happened.  Fortunately it was at the end of the day so I didn’t have to struggle through it all day at work, but it was still less from ideal.

The second anxiety attack, the one I had this evening when I was out celebrating a friends birthday, I can pin down.  Firstly because it was only a matter of time.  My anxiety attacks are never ‘one-offs’, so I knew an after shock (as I like to call them) would be coming.  I’m expecting another one tomorrow or Sunday.  Secondly because we were doing a pub crawl for his birthday.  I was fine at the bars, but the second we ended up at a place with more of a club vibe -- loud music, flashing lights, good looking strangers -- it was all over.  My eyes said, ‘Hey, there are pretty people here’ to which my brain said ‘Fuck you!  It’s go time’. 

I don’t regret things.  Everything that has happened to me and all the decisions I have made have resulted in the person I am today.  Granted neither I, nor my life are perfect, but I really don’t have a whole lot to complain about.  That being said, every now and then I wonder what life would be like if I had taken hockey seriously.  Or, in tonight’s case, why the heck didn’t I choose to put myself on the path to becoming an astronaut!?

Tonight I saw The Martian.  I read the book earlier this year and it instantly became one of my favourite reads, so I was excited for the film.  If you haven’t read the book you should read it; either before or after you see the movie -- which you should also do.

The movie does a great job of capturing the essence of the book and stays relatively true to the novel for the majority of the film.  It does cut out the entirety of his Mars crossing, which is a touch frustrating because there are some pretty key character moments during the journey, but I fully understand why the decision was made.  The movie is nearly two hours and thirty minutes long without all that stuff.  What I’m having more of a problem overlooking is that the ending was Hollywood-ed up.  It doesn’t take anything away from the story, but it doesn’t add anything to it either.  It just seemed like an unnecessary change.  The actual ending of the book was already tense enough and really didn’t require the change.  In any event you should still see it.

I got around to unboxing and setting up my new iPhone 6s last night and after using it for a bit, I’m about to say something I never thought I would:

I actually like the larger format better.  After using it for only a few minutes I picked up my 5 and it felt too small in my hand.  The larger format also makes the keyboard way more navigable.

Let’s not go overboard here though, I got the regular version, not the + and I still think the + would be too much for a phone.  The regular version fits my hand perfectly and I think anything more would be overkill.  I don’t know how people with smaller hands than me -- and I have largish hands -- can even mange the regular 6s as a phone.  It would have to be a 2 handed device for sure.  I’m not sure that classifies as a portable phone anymore.  I guess that’s why they call the phablets.

I’m also sort of liking the fingerprint recognition to unlock and the 3D touch is pretty cool, but the third party apps haven’t integrated it yet, so it’ll be interesting to see how it gets used once people outside of apple start introducing it.

A package was dropped off by courier for me today.  I think it’s my new phone, but I didn’t have time to open it.  Not that it’s a rush since I’ll have to pick up a new sim card before I can use it anyway.  Hopefully my old phone can hang on for a few more days.

I have started playing video games again.  Possibly because with the air quality being hazardous (the PSI is up in the high 100s to mid 200s) it makes even the thought of going outside dreadful.  It’s not what I’d describe as ideal.  

What I really want to be playing is NHL16 because I’m jonesing badly for some hockey and a magical world where I can make the Leafs not suck.  Unfortunately I don’t own a PS4 and I’m trying to find a 1200 series model before I buy one -- because a more energy efficient console is something I care about these days -- so I’m going retro instead.  

FFVII.

The game that turned me from a casual gamer into a hardcore RPG nerd.  I am fortunate enough to own the last model of PS3 which is backwards compatible, so I’m actually running off my original discs and not a download.  It’s amazing just how much your mind updates game graphics when you look fondly back on gaming memories.  I’m not saying FFVII looks bad, but I’m not saying it looks good either.  It’s almost hard to believe that this game is one of the reasons I ended up doing the type of work I do today.

I don’t know that I’m going to put 120hours into the game this time through.  Mostly because they’ve announced that they’re FINALLY releasing an update/remake and also because I think I’ll manage to track down the PS4 I’m looking for before then.  I also have surprisingly less free time now than I did when I was in grades 7 and 8.  In the mean time though, it’s as good a way as any to relax for an hour or so before I call it a night.

My picks from the photos I took when I was up at my friends cottage for the Canada day long weekend.  Enjoy