SirensPrisonMind

I don't fucking like tea. Yet here I find myself standing in the isle reading the names of the mixed loose leafs like a book even though I don't like tea, but you did so I'm looking through every herb bringing back memories of you stirring a dollop of honey into the steaming mug while you whisper empty I love you’s into my ear.

I'm allergic to cats, but you preferred them to dogs so here I am curled up every night with the one we got together even though you are no longer here, puffy eyed and itchy because I care more about her well being than my own, the same way I used to feel about you.

I have a list on Amazon, well I had a list on Amazon labeled “My Love” it was full of shit I would have scrolled past and never looked back on. kind of like the way you left me, but all of the things marked save for later were all things that made me think of you. I don't do that anymore by the way I don't think of you when I see things that I know you loved. I look at them for a second not really sure why I stopped in my tracks but I'm starting to unlearn that.

I am starting to unlearn a lot of habits that used to be sewn into my days like collecting necklaces and cords, and saying I am sorry as often, and keeping quiet when I have certain feelings because I don’t want the conflict, and begging for what I deserve, I also no longer flinch at the thought of being left over one wrong move.

Every night before bed I lay out cookies and milk in hopes I will wake to my most anticipated guest. I will offer to take his cloak and tell him he may hang up his scythe on the hook I have had collecting dust awaiting his arrival.

I may break down in tears of relief throwing my arms tightly around him. 

I might just greet him with a jumbled monologue of gratitude seeping from every crack in my soul.

I will explain that I have been counting down the days on my life long advent calendar. However the days began blending together and I almost thought he had forgotten me

I should tell him he has been on my mind sometimes deep down and others screaming out loud for as long as I can remember.

I want him to realize the hurt he has caused me ignoring my pleas and taking his sweet time collecting me.

I want to ask him if he heard me sobbing his name on the bathroom floor or silently praying for his entrance painfully between heavy breaths all these years.

Perhaps I will just scream with such bottled up emotion in hopes he will ingest it. 

Daniel has been dreaming of this day ever since he was a child, the flowers, the music, the centerpieces, the perfect woman, and all his loved ones from the past and present reunited under one roof. “Can you please for the love of christ help me move this fucking couch Daniel” screams his very pregnant bride to be from the other room, “I’m coming Beatrice my love, you really shouldn’t be moving furniture in your condition sweetie.” he responds quickly undoing his tie to the wedding tux he has tried on six times since he bought it. Beatrice was Daniel’s high school sweetheart and they have been dating for nine years and got engaged only a year and a half ago because he was waiting for the pants of the relationship to ask and that definitely was not Daniel and Beatrice was waiting for Daniel to regrow his testicles and be a man. Nonetheless these two have been in love for what felt like ever. “I have to get to work dear, if I am late one more time “without an excuse that includes death or me becoming paraplegic I won't have a job to come back to after our honeymoon” in Mr. Ponn’s words.”  He says as he quickly rushes through the front door, “also don’t forget I am going to be picking up our guest of honor from the airport after my shift B” he finishes before closing the door. “Of course my mother gets forgotten at the airport for two hours but your high school buddies have you running” she says under her breath before continuing to finnick with the couch.

Daniel’s shift ends and he very excitedly begins his trip to the airport in his used minivan. The anticipation eats at him. He hasn't seen his friends since Audrey’s wedding which was almost a decade ago and it was a blast. They don’t really talk on account of everyone's busy lives so it will be nice to catch up and just hang out like old times back in their hometown of Valentine, Nebraska. He arrives and gets out of the car and leans against it which would probably seem a lot more cool if his car didn't look like he jacked a second generation soccer mom. The first person out was Ethan, he was the shit talker, always had something to say but in a refreshing way this guy protected the rest of the group from any bully that came up. He walked over, “Hey Daniel, how the hell are you? You look like shit. Bring it in” Ethan said before grabbing Daniel into a hug. “I am doing great, I'm getting married and I got a promotion at wrinkles no more so you're looking at an assistant manager” he responds proudly, “No shit they are finally letting you marry your sister? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, she's way too good for you.” He laughs and punches Daniel’s arm. Before Daniel can come up with a comeback the doors open again.

Out comes Henry, now he was the shy one of the group, but that didn’t stop him from being feral with the rest of us but did stop him from touching a boob till he was nine-teen. Following him was Audrey, she was the token tom-boy girl every group needs and she was probably more unfiltered and carefree then any of the others. They both walked out and exchanged pleasantries, well except Ethan he was telling Audrey how nice it must be to have finally grown into her training bras. This led to a clean nut tap from her leaving Ethan grasping his nuts for dear life while still chuckling. Lastly Rick and Roman, identical twins who when they first arrived at school convinced everyone they were the same person, then convinced everyone they were long lost brothers finally brought back together by the system. These two were like tweedle dee and tweedle dumb intelligence wise. 

The crew piled into the car and all started with their lovely banter that was quite aggressive from an outside view but to them was just fun. “So Audrey, I know your sugar grandpa of a husband is getting up there. He's free to come to my office and we offer a senior discount.” He bursts out cackling. Henry was an anesthesiologist who worked for Florida's most renowned plastic surgeon. Audrey rebuttals with “You’re not even a doctor you get paid to put people to sleep at best you’re a professional Bill Cosby.” This alone sends everyone into a mocking and hysterical laughter. “It’s nice that beatrice let you borrow your balls for the bachelor party tonight Daniel” said Rick from the backseat, “Thank you very much Rick but we have joint custody of my testicles, y'all are just lucky we picked the same weekend as my visitation” Daniel replied sarcastically.  

They arrive back into town and Daniel drops them off at their motel, except Henry whose mother would go absolutely belligerent if he spends even a night he's in town away from her clutches. “Since we are going to Henry’s moms place anyway, should you just drop me off there for her scheduled dick date or should I wait till after the ceremony?” Roman says, looking directly at Henry, who turns around and starts repeatedly punching him. “Out of respect I think you should wait until after our date we planned ours first, or if you're comfortable we could tag team her” Ethan says, “Shut the fuck up Ethan” shouts Henry who has always had a close relationship with his mother. Honestly this was a three hundred pound woman who goes to the doctors religiously to have her skin tags removed so to be quite frank a night with that woman is more punishment than any punch that could be thrown by Henry.

The night of the wedding approaches and everyone heads to the abandoned barn that Beatrice decided would be the perfect venue, which it was once they finished spraying for spiders and rats. Everybody takes their places in the wedding party and the ceremony begins. “Daniel Levsuites, do you take Beatrice Rosendale to be your lawfully wedded bride?” asks Ethan who is playing the part of the officiant because he one time got registered online to be one on a dare. Before Daniel can say “I do” a spider makes his way up his neck and rests on his cheek sending Audrey into a fight or flight and she has always chosen to fight. She steps up to the lovely couple swift and calm like and quickly with straight strength whacks him across the face, “Mazel Tov” she exclaims then returns to her spot. 

Everyone laughs even the bride who , being eight months pregnant forgets that holding a tight grip on her pelvic muscles was a necessity so her bladder releases all the sparkling cider she has been holding on too. This causes the crowd to break out into even louder cackling. “I do, I do, I do, I mean shit how could I not” Daniel interrupts through tears of happiness getting the show moving knowing his wife is now soaked in her own pee. Ethan continues “Beatrice Ro-” Beatrice chimes in “At this moment guys I would agree to just about anything that gets me closer to changing, but yes of course I do”. Daniel pulls her into a deep kiss “Does that mean your sister is up for grabs?” Ethan asks loudly, Daniel's sister with a sarcastic smile on her face flips him off from her seat.

“Is eight old enough to begin raising a five year old while throwing your own childhood to the wind?” Jezebel asked herself this now that she was edging twenty-one, while being very aware of the answer. She often thinks about all the things she gave up doing in her life to ensure that her sister was able to experience it all. Every messy, good, bad, and memorable part. She wondered how different her life had been if she spent her days focusing on her own homework rather than helping her sister with hers and then heading off to job number one, who knows, she may have graduated valedictorian. Instead however she dropped out her senior year because school felt trivial when she was never sure what kind of home she would return to. She wasn’t an unpopular kid either she tended to have a small group of friends she would bring home but avoided going out with because she didn’t want to leave Luna alone at the house because her mothers moods were a ticking time bomb and she never knew which woman her father would be coming home smelling like. 

It was Jezebel and Luna against the world though for as long as she could recall. Her mother would be working at all hours but never had anything to show for it but a carton of cigarettes and a pack of soda. So it was up to Jezebel as soon as she turned fourteen to find ways to get money in hopes we wouldn't go another day without electricity, or hot water, or food. Thankfully her mother did bless Jezebel with a knack for manipulation which she would use on any man who showed interest. Now she wasn’t a prostitute physically, emotionally however she had men her age and slightly older buying her words all over town. Yes from the ripe age of fourteen Jezebel would have a list of men under her belt ready to give her or help her with whatever she needed to keep her and her baby safe. Even though Jezebel knew she wasn’t legally doing anything wrong she still felt dirty, but if that is the cost it was well worth it in her eyes.

When Jezebel was ten she would get in a fight with a few kids on the bus for making the tiniest remarks about her blood and that was enough to send her into a fit of rage. This was a bad call on her end because that meant from now on she would be walking across town to school with her seven year old sister in the dead of winter since the bus was no longer an option. This was no different then when they would go on even farther walks to the store to pick up whatever they could afford for food and Jezebel hiding what she couldn’t in her snow pants. Honestly being outside with  the freezing cold air kissing their bright red cheeks was better than the warzone tucked behind the front door. So if it took a half an hour longer to return from school that wasn’t the worst thing.

Jezebel's father drank and smoked and her mother lazed about when she wasn’t on a tangent making sure Jezebel's self esteem never reached knee height. This was enough to cause fights that should have taken place in the ring. They also had her very young so they grew together but never grew up. This would be the reason even in the most dire situations her parents would choose each other over Jezebel and Luna. Jezebel spent the majority of her nights up late listening to her parents fighting waiting for a crash or one of them calling her name telling her it was her time to come down and break it up hoping the neighbors hadn’t already called the police. She at nine years old had already taken on the parenting role and the referee role and this would continue well into her early adulthood. She would wake up to nightmares of pulling her mom off her father in a fit of rage and removing the grip of her fathers hands from around her mothers throat.

Putting herself in harm's way on a daily basis to protect her baby caused an immense amount of resentment towards her parents and an array of mental health issues she would be forced to deal with the remainder of her life making every day a struggle. All throughout Jezebel's life her parents would be negligent and abusive towards her not so much physically but extremely verbal and emotional. She did her best to keep Luna as far from the crossfires as possible and that included locking her in their room or both of them and putting her headphones on her sister and holding her tightly trying to soothe her to sleep in hopes she would not have to experience the fear and panic Jezebel endured much to consistently. She did this in other aspects of Luna's life as well such as keeping her in arms reach anywhere they went to confirm her security but this may have affected Luna's social skills for Jezebel tended to do everything she could for her. 

Jezebel's mind quite often looked back at these memories as an adult especially now that she feels her job is nearly complete. Luna is now almost eighteen and Jezebel is almost twenty one, She just watched as Luna graduated highschool and will be attending college in the fall, her first choice nonetheless and she now lives with her grandmother who Jezebel is not the keenest on but her grandmother may be the only one who cares for Luna nearly as much as she does. It hurts her to move on from not being needed as much but at the same time has never been more proud of her daughter. She continues to see her a decent amount but she can't help but think back to when it was just them against the world. 

My eyes follow you like a perfectly in sync dance.

You lead the way and my pupils stare in unison.

I never get tired of looking at you.

Your words hit deep like a bullet.

Every time you speak my ears eat it up and digest it slowly.

Your words are smooth like honey and the sweetness fills my essence.

Your skin is that of a ripe rose and me the botanist.

I am enchanted and infatuated when our flesh meets.

Staring at your body is like reading a map of my favorite destination.

Your kiss pulls me in like a magnet.

When your lips touch mine it makes my heart beat. Without it I'm nothing.

When your mouth touches my skin it's like frankenstein arising.

And love when you just be… I am whole.

As if I've lived all these years with a missing piece.

It that makes me want to try,

Makes me want to forget and move on,

Makes me wanna be a whole new person.

The person you deserve,

The person you’ve always wanted.

Being around you makes me nervous.

I get pulled out of that black and grey and pushed into a new world of color,

But I like it better here.

That familiar faded neutral doesn’t give your beauty justice.

You make it impossible to focus.

I find myself lost daydreaming in your eyes,

I can almost make out our future in them,

I get disoriented when my skin meets yours,

I'm found off-course as my lips fuse with yours.

I tend to push away the negativity more.

The way you love me makes the scary disappear,

It melts away the bad thoughts and replaces them with hope,

Your laugh drowns my demons in ways I never would have thought.

But there’s some things you must promise me.

Promise to keep wiping away my tears on my dark days,

Promise to be there when I break down and or rise up too high,