s_tory_teller

UPDATE THE THING SHOCKINGLY DIDNT WORK AND NOW IM EVEN MORE MAD CONSIDERING I TOLD YOU SO. HOPE YOU LIKE THE BITTERNESS CAUSE THESE LIPS WILL NOT BE MAKING IT SWEETER

What's gender?

Ghost type Pokémon, he’s purple and fat :)

one of the nice things about heterosexuals i never see talked about on here is that they haven’t already heard all your gay jokes yet. i just really appreciate having a new audience sometimes for my completely automatic responses to phrases like ‘i’ll be straight with you’. so, shoutout to all the innocent hets out there who have a genuine giggle over lame quips that a fellow queer would groan and hit me for. ilu guys. 

I recently no scoped my coworker when she asked me “What’s in the closet, anyway?” and I automatically said “me”. She lost her mind. Full cackling in the middle of the store. I never thought I’d see the day that joke would work but here I was, blessed with an unexperienced heterosexual. It was transcendent. 

I once had a girl working on a display where I work, and she commented, “I thought this would be straighter when I got done with it.” And I said, “my mother thought the same thing about me”, and everyone around us lost it. It was a blessed moment.

I knew a kid who saw my “Let’s get something straight: I’m not” bracelet and ended up laughing about it all day and telling anyone who would listen

I told a coworker that changing the music I picked would be homophobic and she lost her shit like it was the funniest thing ever

i used to offhandedly say stuff to my customers on campus like “unfortunately i’m very gay” and it always took them by surprise. they loved it.

I was visiting a (straight) friend recently and when he was making me breakfast he made me extra toast. I, of course, upon seeing this went ‘fuck yeah gay rights’ and he lost it. Should have seen his fave when I pulled the opposite joke, the ‘this is homophobia’ at any inconvenience. Was amazing.

I gotta level with you: puns and good natured queer jokes are so amazing. I think parto what I love about casual queer jokes isn’t that it means there’s a certain comfort level present, and it brings me extra joy. Plus, they’re jokes I will NEVER get to make myself, so it’s extra fresh to me even though they’re old hat in some circles. Fuckin love me a gay dad joke.

I’m both pro herbal medicine and pro vaccination because you can treat burns with aloe vera juice and sore throats with lavender infused honey but you can’t rid a country of polio with plants. 

THIS.

Don’t forget kids, jewelweed is a natural counteragent to poison ivy rashes but it won’t do shit against whooping cough

Mint for nausea, valerian and chamomile for sleep, antibiotics for fucking infections.

Peppermint and lavender work wonders for headaches (as well as staying hydrated) but they won’t cure the flu

This is a good post.

Reblog if you think a woman can be complete without children

writers love to portray immortal characters experiencing time differently as something sad or frightening but what they don’t seem to have realized is that the comedic potential is limitless and, in my humble opinion, extremely underutilized

giving an immortal a year to complete a task is like setting them a five thousand word assignment with complete references and appendices due by the next morning

Harry Potter AU in which Fred and George are in different houses and they steal and wear each others ties whilst doing stupid things in hope of the others house losing points

Finally a Fred and George AU that doesn’t make me want to set myself on fire.

There’s a few months in Fred and George’s second year when they successfully convince most of the school that they’re actually quadruplets, one in each house.

another Same Energy: so ive asked my family to refer to me as they/them bc im nb, and a few times ive corrected my cousins when theyve misgendered me. and so when my little cousins were playing superheroes, one of them said i could be supergirl, and my four year old cousin immediately pipes in with “but sams not a girl” and then, after a bit of thought, “you can be superthey!”

Theydies and gentlethem