소주

20210710) Sometimes I remember and decide to come by here just to realize so many things have changed. I can no longer find in here the place I used to feel I belonged to, and that's okay. Life kept going and doing its thing. Just the way I did. I have changed and I'm glad I did. I'm happier now, or at least that's what I'd like to think. Life is good, enough. Monsters rarely come out anymore, I think they're tamed. Thoughts and fears and regrets, huge waves of emotions no longer sink into me, no longer drown me. Loneliness lingers, that's a fact. But all and all, everything settled. Once and for all, for good I hope.

20200426) In one of those office gatherings which leaves everyone oh so drunk and tipsy, he reached out to me. Our co-workers had decided to keep on with the party somewhere else and we were so out of it that we left. He had to work, I was so tired. So we said ‘good-bye’ to the group and headed out, immersing ourselves in the night of a city resembling the coldness of a near winter day. He walked me home. The noise of cars and the crowds of people began disappearing to the pace of us having small talks here and there, none of us fully aware, not all words fully comprehensible due to the uncountable shots of whisky already slurring our speech. At almost 10pm we had already passed the crowds heading to the bars on a Friday night so it became just the two of us. I can no longer recall, but the air around us turned quite heavy: “I can’t not care about you” was all I heard as he looked at me. He kept on talking. Pulling words out of his soul as little secrets being pulled out from a box. Somewhat reminiscing on how he had felt about me the first time we even exchanged glances. As I listened quietly, as I traced his words with my own lips, a flickering warmth got to caress my soul, but soon enough just like that in the blink of an eye, it got swept away with the winter’s breeze. He was all so genuine and sweet yet again, he was so unreachable and unobtainable. “Just dance”, he said. His words stood to me: “Keep dancing, never stop”. And so it was goodbye. As I grabbed my keys and opened the door, those simple words resonated with me almost immediately. Words I had once come across with and which were significant to me at a certain time in my life came back on the voice of a now close stranger. Standing behind the door, somewhat confused, somewhat drunk, I smiled at what seemed to be a perfect coincidence. But truth is nothing really ever is. At 11PM, with the lights out I grabbed a beer and cheered for a love that perhaps can never be. 

I may no longer recall how you looked, the depth of your voice, the warmth of your hands. I may no longer recall the taste of your lips or the scent in your clothes. But damn I swear in my mind your eyes is all I see when I close mine, your heartbeat is all I hear when I think of you, your smile everytime you type my name. I still feel you. I still miss you. I still know you. I still love.... you.