When I found out I would be getting a new insulin pump this week I had already started planning my Facebook post about it. Which shows two things: 1) I wanted to share with those who were listening that hey! This is exciting! Iβm excited about it! Be excited with me! And 2) Thank you to my extremely hard working parents for making this possible for me! But when I left my doctorβs appointment this morning I knew I couldnβt write the happy post I so desperately wish I could.
About a year ago I decided to choose happiness. I left the job where I was unhappy, I cut some people out and it was horribly difficult to do, but I needed to in order to be happy. I surrounded myself with the things that made me a happier person, and although I wonβt lie and say it was all rainbows and daisies 100% of the time, I felt so much better.
Β Today while at my doctorβs appointment I was told that my latest HGA1C reading came back 10.3. My doctor took off his glasses, leaned back in his chair and looked at me. βI donβt know how else to say itβ he said, βIβm worried about you.β Anyone not in the diabetes world might not understand, but I am around double where I should be for my blood sugar ratings. I should be sitting comfortably between 5.0-7.0. 10.3 is a horrendous, shocking number to have put in front of me.
Β So when I sat in my car when the appointment was over, after promising for the millionth time βYes I will take more care. Yes I will make an appointment with the Diabetes Clinic. Yes I will check my numbers more.β I tried to do what I started doing a year ago. I tried to push diabetes out. It wasnβt making me happy, so Iβm just going to push it away.
Β The thing about disease is that you canβt push it out. Pushing it out only makes it come back harder, and stronger. Today was not the first day I have pushed diabetes out. I cannot say that a single day since my mom handed this disease over to me and said βhere, take it. Itβs your responsibility nowβ that I have taken care of myself. I can absolutely say that for the last 6 years I have not.
Β I canβt push diabetes out. But I can make it better. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. That will never happen for me if I donβt take control. Now. I canβt count on anyone to motivate me for this. I have to find the motivation inside myself. Right now all I feel is shame, and fear, because without meaning to, I have been killing myself for the past 6 years. Β Today I have fingers to type this. Tomorrow I may not. Today I have feet to walk me where I need to go. Tomorrow, I may not.
Β This isnβt a post for sympathy. I need to take responsibility for the massive failure I have been. I donβt know how many promises I have made over the years that I will do better. I donβt know how many times I have said βitβs time, I feel it.β There is nothing to feel. You donβt wake up one day and say from now on, Iβm going to do it and itβs going to be easy. Itβs going to be hard. And I am going to have to work at this every day for the rest of my life. But one thing I do know is this:
Β Iβm scared, but Iβm done killing myself.
