Letters to nothingness

They honestly don’t even need to be told to already know they were of selfish nature.

… I guess. I don’t know. After that I just feel like I don’t know anything. I never even bothered to ask anything.

I hate feeling like this. That the loss of someone dear to me would be the last straw to break the camel’s back. Your death only struck me worse because I have such a deep attachment to you, because I love you. He’s right in one thing. I am too wrapped up in the war to know where I stand. I am too deep into this to the point where I begin to doubt that having feelings and attachments in general are just. Cruel. To everyone.

I love Jade. I love you. And the fact that I am rethinking whether I should feel anything or try anything is what is driving me up the god damn wall, because I don’t know where I stand anymore ! This is cruel. I’m cruel. Because I don’t know when they’ll decide to kill me, because I can die at any time. For fucks sake they bombed Topeka ! If we hadn’t had suspicions that it would happen, I’d be dead. Or if I wasn’t, then all of the Resistance would and I’d be left to build everything from scratch. I don’t want to lose anyone and I keep stressing myself off because I am a fucking hypocrite and I’m ready to die at any point, but god forbid I lose any of you.

You don’t have to ask to learn things about people.. Much like I know you’re fond of rock music and you chain smoke when you’re upset. That you’ve a tendency to smile even when you’re not happy because you don’t want to shuck off your emotions on someone else. That you hate that you’ve ended up in this position with yourself because you don’t believe in yourself at all.

I didn’t ask you, but I learned from talking to you. From spending time with you. From being around you in general.

The things he listed off were facts that aren’t secrets. Anyone could know them about me. Sure, some of it isn’t knowledge I’d often like to be known about me because my past isn’t some pretty present wrapped up nice and neat. But it’s there.

Like my full name, it’s Sebastian Bae Strider. My birth name is Roderick Bae Ci’Rasu. I’m half Korean and half Irish. My birthday’s on the 22nd of May and my favourite food is Kimchi. I listen to smooth jazz when I’m working on those weapons and I’ve spent a total of 27 days on one concept before. I’ve 14 new scars from testing those weapons an I couldn’t care less because I tested them for your safety and to ensure they’d work.

Knowing these things about me doesn’t make me any more appealing, it’s simply facts you could learn in a spread sheet. But you know me, Dirk. And you’ll just keep learning things about me, even if you never ask, just as I will with you.

You’re not selfish. None of that is selfish. None of that is cruel.

Dirk, you are one of the most selfless and loving individuals I have ever had the utmost pleasure of simply knowing. From start to finish, you’ve been all about everyone else. And when you rarely put yourself in the light, you feel as though it’s too much.

Listen to me, and listen well, humans by nature are drawn to having relationships of all kinds. You are no exception because of your situation. It is not cruel to show someone you love them, to fear for their harm, to want to be there with them whenever they’re hurt. Anyone, at any time, can die. Being in a war zone heightens the chances but truthfully you can die anywhere for any reason at any time.

It’s a reality people overlook because they don’t want to know that they could die any second or that someone they love could. You know where you stand, you stand where you’re needed. That’s where you’ve always been, Dirk. Death, life, love, hatred, it’s all pieces to make up the whole thing. You can’t spend your time on the “If this had happened” or “What if this.” It didn’t happen that way, and if you spend your time thinking on that, then that’s all you’ll ever conceive to be in your perception.

Dirk you are amazing. You are phenomenal. For all your faults and all your perfection, you are above and beyond the call of what’s required. There is not a cruel nor purely selfish bone in your body. You have every right to love someone just as we do to love you. Everybody dies eventually, the question isn’t if it’ll break you or if it’ll be the end of it; it’s about if it was worth it.

Are Jade and I worth it to you? Are we worth the possibility that our deaths could possibly scorn you so badly you’ve no choice but to rise up or fall flat? Are we worth that agony that could happen? Are we worth the good that transpires from us? Are we worth it? Because I can tell you right now that you are worth it to me, and without a doubt, worth it to her.

You’re boarder-lining self destruction because you’ve no direction on your own self worth. It’s okay to be selfish with the people you love, Dirk. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. You are important. You’re more important than you’d ever let yourself believe and that is the honest to god truth. Good lord you inspire me. You inspire me to do things better with my life.

Just knowing you has helped me in numerous ways and that is a relationship I am more thankful for than you could ever possibly know. But we share something in common as well. Neither of us care if we ourselves die, only if someone else does. Our self worth is valued at absolute zero because we don’t care for ourselves, we do it for other people. That’s just how we are. Are we hypocrites? Yes, probably. Will knowing that change our views of ourselves? No. But you know what could?

Realizing that people love us for a variety of reasons and that puts value on our lives. We are valued by others, Dirk. You are priceless to me, you are priceless to Jade. You’re a goddamn work of art and no one could ever replace you. You’re priceless, and realizing that is what you need to do in order to value your life. Remember that without you, there wouldn’t be as much progress as there is with the Resistance. That your work is invaluable to the cause you serve. You’ve done so much for everyone around you.