w a n d e r l u s t;

What can’t be stopped is the soft sigh that falls from her lips at the touch of Alex’s fingertips on her neck.  Weak. Her bones want to collapse, her muscles want to melt. Her lips want to meet Alex’s and she wants to remember the sleekness of her black hair tangled around her fingers.

It’s true, Piper knows it. Alex won’t leave. She can’t stop it. Her shaking hands find their way to Alex’s waist, careful not to touch the scar, and she leans into familiar lips. It’s not release – it’s further digging herself down into darkness. But she can’t stop it. She can’t stop it like she couldn’t stop her fists from smashing into Pennsatucky’s face again and again and again. The moment their bodies touch, she grips harder, slides her tongue into Alex’s warm mouth. Her hands are in her hair, gliding down her back, touching her shoulders, sliding down the length of her arms but never touching the scar.

A spark. Anger. Disgust. For a brief second it’s there and it’s something Alex can hold onto. Hate. Fear. Love. They’re there and they’re gone, as if squeezing them out is the only way Piper can hold onto herself. It’s loneliness and heartbreak and there’s so much Alex wants to say– needs to say, but can’t find the words. Piper is consumed by fire, so far gone that she’s become a shell of herself and there’s nothing Alex can do to ease that now. I fucked her. She wasn’t you. I wanted to. She wasn’t you. “She fucked you.” Callous meets callous and Alex stands her ground, taking three steps for every two Piper takes. It’s a game now, furthering the stand-off; it’s the only thing she knows that will push Piper back into her corner. “She fucked you like I fucked you.” Shock takes a turn, twists it into something more selfish and pulls a sinister smirk to her face. With her back against the sink, she’s left to vulnerable to Piper’s fury and she doesn’t care. Love and betrayal. “I’ve faced meaner demons than you. You think you scare me?” Her hand shoots to the hem of her smock, drawing it up to reveal the deep scar over her hip. “Take your best fucking shot, Piper.”

The silence has claws and they scratch at Piper’s throat. It’s done. Alex can walk away now and Piper can crumple alone. Except it isn’t done and Alex is still fucking standing there and Piper has to hold herself together. She can’t help but look up to check her reaction. There’s a flare of hurt that Piper holds onto, ready to dig the wedge in deeper when determination glazes over Alex’s eyes and ties a knot in Piper’s stomach. She’s seen that look before. She’s seen it when Piper venomously claimed that she loves her and she fucking hates her. Shock, hurt, determination.

You can fight fire with fire. But what if we’re both burning?

And there it is – their intimacy thrown back into Piper’s face. She deserves it. Alex needs to hit harder, make her pay. She needs more – she needs the Alex that slapped her in the library, that called her a manipulative cunt.

But then Alex lifts up her shirt. A red and purple gash is splayed along her hip – right where Piper’s smiling lips had kissed too many times to count. Her heartbeat thumps monstrously, lurching in her throat. I’ve faced meaner demons than you. Piper wishes she could die. Right here. She is Alex’s demon. Alex would not have been attacked if it hadn’t been for her ignorance. Piper is the meanest demon of them all.

But I’m still here. She shouldn’t be. It was Piper who wielded the knife that dug into Alex’s hip. The weight of her guilt is firm and heavy on her back.

Alex’s arms slide around her and she wishes they were knives. In a moment of weakness, Piper allows her heavy lids to fall shut, the word home popping into her head. You don’t have a home. Her hands grab Alex’s wrists – her mind desperately trying to block out the softness of her skin – and she pushes with all her might. Panic. She’s facing Alex now, her arms folded in front of her chest. 

A spark. Anger. Disgust. For a brief second it’s there and it’s something Alex can hold onto. Hate. Fear. Love. They’re there and they’re gone, as if squeezing them out is the only way Piper can hold onto herself. It’s loneliness and heartbreak and there’s so much Alex wants to say– needs to say, but can’t find the words. Piper is consumed by fire, so far gone that she’s become a shell of herself and there’s nothing Alex can do to ease that now. I fucked her. She wasn’t you. I wanted to. She wasn’t you. “She fucked you.” Callous meets callous and Alex stands her ground, taking three steps for every two Piper takes. It’s a game now, furthering the stand-off; it’s the only thing she knows that will push Piper back into her corner. “She fucked you like I fucked you.” Shock takes a turn, twists it into something more selfish and pulls a sinister smirk to her face. With her back against the sink, she’s left to vulnerable to Piper’s fury and she doesn’t care. Love and betrayal. “I’ve faced meaner demons than you. You think you scare me?” Her hand shoots to the hem of her smock, drawing it up to reveal the deep scar over her hip. “Take your best fucking shot, Piper.”

The silence has claws and they scratch at Piper’s throat. It’s done. Alex can walk away now and Piper can crumple alone. Except it isn’t done and Alex is still fucking standing there and Piper has to hold herself together. She can’t help but look up to check her reaction. There’s a flare of hurt that Piper holds onto, ready to dig the wedge in deeper when determination glazes over Alex’s eyes and ties a knot in Piper’s stomach. She’s seen that look before. She’s seen it when Piper venomously claimed that she loves her and she fucking hates her. Shock, hurt, determination.

You can fight fire with fire. But what if we’re both burning?

And there it is – their intimacy thrown back into Piper’s face. She deserves it. Alex needs to hit harder, make her pay. She needs more – she needs the Alex that slapped her in the library, that called her a manipulative cunt.

But then Alex lifts up her shirt. A red and purple gash is splayed along her hip – right where Piper’s smiling lips had kissed too many times to count. Her heartbeat thumps monstrously, lurching in her throat. I’ve faced meaner demons than you. Piper wishes she could die. Right here. She is Alex’s demon. Alex would not have been attacked if it hadn’t been for her ignorance. Piper is the meanest demon of them all.

orange is the new black