Moon Child

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

My thoughts often contradict my actions. I'm aware. I speak death and encourage self-neglect/ harm on myself yet practice life and giving to others. Just to be clear though, my giving is not always selfless in nature which makes me question if I actually do care about others. I mean the fact I act opposite I feel in the first place could mean I care at least somewhat. However, I can't confidently say I care or feel enough love to stay. This is why I don't nurture relationships or neglect them altogether bc when the time comes, there shouldn't be any reason to mourn.