Run

but I feel like we don’t talk often enough about the negative impacts the culture that surrounds monogamous relationships can have on people of all relationship styles/orientations. 

monogamy culture will have you believe that it’s normal to be jealous and territorial over your partner and their interactions with other people - especially interactions with people that they could eventually develop a romantic/sexual interest in. 

monogamy culture will tell you that you are the only person your partner should ever show romantic/sexual interest in, and if your partner makes the mistake of developing feelings/attraction toward another person, it’s because you are not enough. 

monogamy culture will tell you that certain sacrifices must be made in order to build a life with another person, and if you aren’t keen to make those sacrifices for your partner, you are selfish and not ready for “real” commitment.

monogamy culture will tell you that relationships are only valuable if they are “going somewhere,” somewhere usually meaning lifelong commitment in the form of marriage or domestic partnership. if you aren’t ready to shack up, propose, have kids with, or make other commitments to someone whom you’ve been dating for an extended period of time, you are again considered selfish and not ready for a “real” relationship.

monogamy culture will tell you that one partner should satisfy most of your needs. the rest can be dealt with via compromise on your end. when you can no longer deal with having certain needs go unsatisfied, your only option is to end the current relationship and (usually) pursue someone else.

monogamy culture will tell you that there are certain things you must rely on your significant other for. they should be the most intimate relationship you have, the person you gain validation from, the person from whom you ask advice first, the ultra absolute most special person you’ve ever had in your life. if anyone else compares in the slightest, they are a threat to the relationship.

people can be toxic without being abusive. sometimes you need to be away from people who aren’t abusive and genuinely do mean well. you don’t need to dislike a person, or not forgive them, or think they are bad to justify not being around them. sometimes a person is good or kind but you still need your space. you don’t have to choose between them being pure good or bad.

thedatingfeminist:

Today while I was on public transit, the usual happened- every seat on the train was taken and the seat beside me was the only one that was free, but no one chose to sit there, and instead everyone stood. Nothing out of the ordinary for a turbaned and bearded guy in North America.

However, one woman put the icing on the cake. She was having difficulty standing on the moving train, so I offered the seat beside me. She looked at me, shook her head, then looked the other way. Her friend also asked her to sit down, but she refused again. As they were leaving, he asked her why she wouldn’t sit down. Her answer: “I don’t feel safe sitting next to someone that looks like that.”

As the door closed behind them, I looked on- shocked at what I just heard. Other people had clearly heard what she said, but didn’t really react or say anything. I decided to get up and stand as I didn’t want to face the same BS again.

A Punjabi Uncle Ji had seen what had happened and he came over to talk to me. I thought he would say words of encouragement, but instead he told me that I should “change my look,” tie up my beard to make it look smaller, wear a shorter gatra so my kirpan isn’t seen, and tie a more “appropriate” turban (aka the patiala shahi, not my dumalla).

Angered, I left the car at the next station and boarded the next one. The Paris attacks may be over, but the attacks on brown bodies have just begun. In the UK, someone tried to push a hijabi woman onto the tracks of an incoming train. In Ontario, a woman was attacked in public, and a Hindu mandir was vandalized.

I am tired of microaggressions. I am tired of racism. I am tired of the fact that we try to hide the fact that racism is a HUGE issue in Canada. I am tired of people in our community that cannot stand for their own people. I am tired of respectability politics.

I refuse to watch brown people continue to be demeaned, harmed, hurt, and insulted in such a manner. I refuse to tolerate this BS where something like this happens and onlookers do nothing. I refuse to change who I am, leaving behind the practices and traditions of my people to make myself more palatable for racist and xenophobic bigots.