The start of a very sapphic story I'm writing to give the finger to forced fem tropes:
It was a beautiful late spring day in Bellingham, and Clark Atkins Jr (ugh) was tiredā¦tired of a lot of things. Tired from finals, tired from packing, tired from a weekend of end of the year partying where he always felt self-conscious rather than āletting goā and tired of playing the part heād been playing all his life.
Despite the weight, Clark loaded the last of Jessicaās bags into the back of her car. Jess was the one thing he wasnāt tired of, although he couldnāt understand how she wasnāt tired of him, considering he couldnāt make his own decision if his life depended on it. Ever since they met in that creative writing class Winter quarter freshman year, heād been smitten. Sometimes he couldnāt separate if he wanted to be her or wanted her, but he was happy to have her. She was decisive where he was wishy-washy. She pushed him to explore things, and be honest in ways he just wasnāt ready for yet, but she was patient enough to give him time. Time to tell her what was buried in the trunk of his car, this summer was going to be the time to tell her, to thank her for that one night last quarter and apologize forā¦āEarth to Clark,ā Jessica called as she gripped his hand breaking him out of his reverie , āI know youāre in your head all the time, but be here with me for a sec before I drive offā
āSorry Jess, just thinking. Iām gonna miss you something fierce babe, but at least itās under a week before you come visit me at Momās place.ā Jessica squeezes his hand, acknowledging the plan before Clark sees her go to space for a second.
Sheās better at bringing herself back to Earth though and looks him in the eyes. āAre you ready to meet her new wife?ā she asks wistfully and the wistfulness makes Clarkās stomach churn but he puts his hand on his belly and takes a deep breath, he canāt help with that yearningā¦yet.
āIām still really worried about what this changes, what if sheās done playing Mom now that she gets to be Gabriella to a Xena.ā
āFuck that babe, she chose you, she fought for you, she chose to be your Mom, youāre her kid in every way that matters ,ā she says as a simple truth. Clark pulls her close and squeezes, savoring the last moment of physical connection.
āYouāre right, Iām just being anxious. Shocking I know,ā Clark jokes. Jess giggles into his chest and gives him a little love bite.
āSometimes Iām awed that Iām with you on purpose,ā She teases right back. āI love you, you beautiful dork.ā Thinking, maybe today will be the day he sees how beautiful he is.
The use of ābeautifulā makes Clarkās heart ache, he wants so badly to be beautiful, but he doesnāt feel it, but he feels her love so pulls her into a kiss. Itās not exactly chaste, but thereās something unsaid in it, that distance that they both notice sometimes, but choose to ignore right now because theyāre happy enough.
āLove you too kitten, drive safe and call me when you get to Yakima,ā Clark says as they let the kiss come to its natural end.
āText me when youāre home in Magnolia, and let me know if itās a Cinderella situation or a U-Haul lesbian Brady Bunch moment. Iāll still be on the roadā she says, still holding on to Clarkās hand, not wanting to let the moment end. But itās time to get going. Clark walks her to her door, waits for her to get situated in the driver's seat before he gives her one more kiss. The taste of that strawberry lip balm always gives him a pang of envy, that he stuffs down.
āBye babe, I miss you already.ā
āSame love,ā Clark says before Jess shuts the car door, and he sighs as he watches her pull out of the lot. She deserves better, I need to be better. He climbs into the driverās seat of his 2010 Prius wagon, opens up Spotify and puts on some Chappell Roan, singing along to something like that in the car usually calms him down, lets him drop the mask. By the time he hits I-5 from campus heās singing āLets get coffee, lets meet upā¦ā
The Album ended when he was passing the reservation he and Ricky used to go buy fireworks in. Giving two dorky kids high explosives is never a good idea, and the two of us made the best of it. The new track was from this artist heād heard but didnāt quite remember and the song was punch in the gut. Then he recognized it, it was a song Jess had on in the background the other day and they danced together carelessly to it.
She is funny and clever and kiiiiiind/
She says whatever crosses her miiiind, oh
His hand reached up and touched that little spot on his lip that still tasted of strawberries. Is she yelling at me I SEE YOU! and Iām just deaf?
And she's so fucking weird, that when she's with me/
I'm laughing most of the time/
And she's mine, she's mine
Jess had said this made her think of him and he just realized how piningly sapphic that song was. He set his mind to it, He, no, she was going to tell mom tomorrow. Thanks āSheās Mineā by Eva Pagan for hitting me in the head with what I wasnāt hearing. She was high on that energy the rest of the way home, nothing could stop that feeling.
Except for her. Except for Vivienne.
Chapter 2 3:45pm Tuesday:
Chloe, no, Clark pulled up to hers Momās (Momsā maybe?) house in Interbay, hands white knuckling the wheel. No, Chloe. She might not get around to telling mom until tomorrow, but she was done think of herself as him. Fingers crossed that Vivienne isnāt a TERF, she thinks. Sheās not worried Mom wonāt accept her, not really, but thereās just something making her anxious. Itās not like sheās going to have to say her own name tonight, or her pronouns, itās Mom, sheāll have talked this ladyās ear off about her.
