Running Commentary (Yay Novels)

Arrogon speaks to his father, King Braxton, telling him "what Keyes would like to do for Crystal on their day of unity." That's kind of creepy, cousin. You seem to want this a bit too much.

Oh Jesus. Now King Braxton has called in all the aides and the rest of his family and explained in detail this day-of-unity tradition. They don't really need to know this.

OH JESUS. Now King Braxton is making a speech about it at the banquet. "By the traditions of her people, the couple must wait one year after they marry before they can unite." REALLY? This is an appropriate time to discuss your grandson's sex life?

OH MY LORD IN HEAVEN. At the ceremony - at the damn wedding ceremony - IN THE CEREMONY ITSELF - the king says "They were married in the custom of the Bazeal people and have yet to join themselves as one." Because it's really, really important that we all know they haven't had sex yet, and why, and that means they'll be boning tonight. It's really, shriekingly important, you guys.

Tomorrow I expect a palace trumpeter wandering the halls and every five minutes making the same announcement: "Tooooooooooot. They have boned."

This is the penultimate chapter. We're getting quite near the end now of my analysis of this novel. (That's a movie reference. Guess which movie.)

"Seliah had reappeared to [Keyes]. This time she just smiled at him, then told him sehe was proud of him, and that he had her blessing to unite with Crystal." So you appear in a man's dream and tell him he's allowed to bone your daughter. That's not weird at all, ghost mom.

"Arrogon gave Keyes several ideas for the day he and Crystal decided to unite." THAT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL, COUSIN. I really don't need your input about this particular day, thank you very much. "So what you're gonna do, is you're gonna wanna take her legs and bend them up like..." NO.

At the big celebratory feast, Keyes told the villagers "of Seliah's visit and of her warnings" but really they don't need to know all that. Why do you people keep nothing to yourselves? You think it, you say it. This is not how people act.

They're arguing over who the leader should be. As far as I can see it, nobody brought back blue ice. Nobody gets to be leader. NOW YOU'RE AN AUTONOMOUS COLLECTIVE!

...that seriously just happened. I was just joking. But... Wow. The racers all denied their rights of leadership. "Screw you guys for not helping fight Gafton; we're gonna go live with the elves."

They've spent all night healing the wounded. Finally the boy's brought up the bird. Will the bird make it? It's looking sketchy.

Y'know, I don't think this bird is really a bird.

I was right. Bird's not a bird. But Crystal decides to break the news by telling the kid the bird is gone. WAY TO BREAK A KID'S HEART, CRYSTAL.

This family reunited is extremely schmaltzy. "I was your mother the whole time! Your father had red hair and I thought he was dead." "Oh really? We have a commander in the army who has red hair. We even call him Red." "OH REALLY?" I'm so glad this is all working out for everybody.

Mama describes, in full detail, why she became a bird. Then when Crystal follows Raven outside to get Red and Davenport, Crystal repeats the story, in its entirety. This is unnecessary repetition of exposition. I am frustrated. Just get to the "omg you're my father" already.

How the hell is Red not putting this together? The kid's as old as your kid would be. The wife has the same backstory as your wife would have. Why do you have to physically see the woman before light bulbs go off in your brain? Moron.

...his name's Readolph. -.-

Everything is wrapping up so very neat and tidy. Every single character is having a nice neat bow tied around their lives. Mama, Mannon, Shyla. Healed! Made beautiful! In love! But I'm just not invested. I don't really know these people.

Yeah, they're drowning out there. What with the water from the pool and it's also raining, apparently "the fortress will be under water in just a short time."

"Pier, Stellion, and their regiments found no one alive as they worked their way to the gate. The gnomes that they saw alive..." Wait a second. You just said they found no one alive. Continuity error.

Melious is dead? NOOOOOOO oh wait I don't remember who this guy is. Nor do I remember Hiydren (death by sword) or Elias Drumark (death by spear). Too many characters. Not enough characterization. I feel no grief.

"Drakkor seemed to be swinging his battle-axe wildly..." This guy is reckless with that thing.

Cool. Gafton's controlling the storm. But... but if he was controlling the storm this whole time, why would he have drowned the fire-beasts? Something is amiss here.

Tritadon's just fine. A little blood, but Crystal's fixed that. I'm kind of disappointed he's not dead. His was the only death that I really felt any kind of mournful about.

"Drakkor cried loudly as he held Ebony in his arms, with a sword still embedded in his chest." Well. That sucks. But you know what, you're the one that brought a kid to a battle.

So many people are dead. So very, very many.

They keep stopping the battle to take care of the dead. The first time I was okay with it. The second time I was frustrated. This time, they're literally inside the fortress. They've breached it. Why in the hell are they stopping again? They're just leaving it all to Crystal. Maybe she could use backup, you know?

"Crystal started crying after she realized Gafton had used memories of her parents to trap her and the others." You don't cry at this point, Crystal. It was just a picture of them standing on a hill with light behind them. It's not like he showed you a picture of them choking on their own blood as trolls ate their intestines. This is not a cry-worthy thing.

"Gafton stared into Crystal's eyes. He allowed his magic to gently touch hers. He could see her senses starting to put her guard down. A gentle blue light began glowing around her. Gafton knew she would soon be his." At this point while he's connected to her, she should snipe his power. Let's see what she does.

"Keyes attacked the gnomes after he realized he was invincible because of his ancestral armor. Keyes found his ancestor's sword and shield; then he became even more invincible." I'm just SO GLAD that he's INVULNERABLE. It completely raises all the stakes. Who knows who'll win? It's just so up in the air.

Keyes is so focused on fighting the gnomes that he's forgotten about Crystal. Yes, theirs is a love for the ages.

Lyssa outta nowhere! Lyssa ex machina! Pew pew pew!

Yeah, while Gafton was momentarily distracted by Lyssa, Crystal started siphoning. Caaaaalled it.

So even though Keyes is invincible, and has been described as such, now he's barely breathing and bleeding from his mouth and nose.

I'd forgotten the plan. I'd completely forgotten they have to destroy the Blue Ice. They can't destroy the ice. That's part of their tradition. Obviously they need to use it to defeat Gafton. But how will they do the whole, "who gets to be leader" thing without it?

"The sphere stole magic that came into its presence if the wielder was weak." So it's siphoning from Crystal, exhausted from her fight with the water-worm. Interesting.

"Drakkor was the last to fall, but before he fell, he threw his battle-axe toward the spot where he thought the sphere was." When the smoke clears, that battle-ax better be embedded in somebody's face. Just throwing weapons around willy-nilly. Honestly.

He called out for the mother's ghost. She's singing a lullaby to signify her approach. -.-

"Crystal! Crystal Fyre! Crystal with fire-red hair." Because... because kids can be so cruel? Granted, they taunted her about her magic abilities, and that's legit, but her hair? That's the first thing they go for?

"Take you sword," Crystal tells Keyes. Every now and then, there's another amusing typo.

You know, I want to know how the Bazael were supposed to bring back Blue Fire in the first place. They've done it bunches of times, but I have yet to see how they're supposed to gather it.

"The sphere held centuries of magic from all the magic wielders after they died and from magic that it stole. Now Crystal was stealing all that it had acquired from the sphere. The sphere fought against her. She was starting to lose her hold on the sphere." -.- seriously -.-

They broke the sphere. Now they might drown. This is kinda cool.

"'What's up?' Piers asked." The phrase fits neither the setting nor the scene.

Crystal and Keyes are taking the twins into the heart of the fortress itself. "Both were still carrying the boys as they opened the door into the fortress." On the one hand they're protecting the children, burdened with them; on the other hand, the only real reason the children are here is because their magic proves useful.

How can they be slashing their way to the door while carrying the boys? They don't have free hands.

The opening of this chapter is, "'Tritadon,' Kylie said as she wrapped her arm around his neck. Tritadon just mumbled." I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

"'Your highness,' said a small gnome boy." Oh good. There are children fighting on both sides.

Gafton's noticed their stopping-starting of the catapults. Good chance the bird's gonna die. Ten to one.

Surely I've already mentioned this novel's use of the omniscient viewpoint. On one page, I've flipped between four points of view, and sometimes it happens mid-paragraph. It's very disorienting.

Ooooh, he just saw the bird. Five to one odds of bird death.

OKAY, BOOK. You give a man a bow and arrow, and I know he's going after the damn raven. That's awesome. But NOW, NOW is the time you decide to stop the flow and give me a detailed description of the fortress. The color, the size, the towers. I could have used this ages ago. Here, it just pisses me off because gosh darn it that bird is going to die and you are stopping me for needless detail.

BIRD DOWN. Pay up.

I'm not entirely sure how you get from the mountain passage to underneath a pond. I guess it's magically sealed? To keep the water up and out of the passages?

"Tritadon stopped before he was finished, then he fell to the ground. Lyssa looked up and saw a troll standing over them then back down at Tritadon's lifeless body on the ground." Well. That sucks. I kinda liked the guy.

A creature made of water came up out of the water and grabbed one of the twins! Aside from the word repetition, the elemental creature, and the yet-again-endangered-child, this is new.

"All those remaining on the ledge dove into the water to search for their missing party members." All of them. Including the other kid. Like a choreographed swim team.

This is kind of cool. Crystal's using her magic to freeze the monster, and because it's turning into ice, which has a lower density, it'll float her to the surface. Nice.

Oh. It's huge and wormlike. I was picturing something more humanoid, but I'm glad to have some description, even if it comes after the important moments which really needed the visuals have already passed.

Was this a Gafton monster, or just a random mountain monster?

Dead bodies just scattered about. On the one hand, I understand - it's definitely a good deterrent. On the other hand, that's unhygienic, Gafton. You'll get a disease.

At long last, a good bit of physical description! ...tall handsome blond hair at shoulder-length pointed ears arching eyebrows kind and gentle features. I just wish I knew who this was describing. Is this Arrogon? Is this Keyes? I thought Keyes had a beard.

Shyla's enjoying this a bit too much. "She closed her eyes, imagining his strong arms wrapped around her body as they lay on a bed made of rose petals..."

"The pair took a step back when Shyla turned around, and they became captivated by her beauty. She looked at her captors." Ah, but it was she who had captivated them, mere seconds before!

It was Keyes. She's feeling up his muscles.

They're traveling through the dark and deadly caverns, surrounded by dead bodies and the ghosts of the fallen. They've lost Paxy. The twins were taken over wholly. And yet... Here they are. The twins. Still in the battle. Now deliberately brought into the darkest dangerous place they could possibly go. These kids are living on borrowed time.

Shyla wants them to help her, and also she wants Keyes. "'Yes. I want him." pointing to Keyes."

"Mannon came out of his hiding place, screaming and waving a dagger at her." Nice move, little guy. Way to stealth attack.

At first I thought that only a few of the trolls had once been men. But now, turns out, every single troll was a man or a dwarf or an elf or a wizard or something completely else before Gafton made them trolls. So trolls don't exist in this world, not really.

Yes, please, let's make sure we know what we're doing with the children. Make sure they go with Crystal to the dangerous Blue Ice. It's either that, or they go with Lyssa to the dangerous boulder-catapulted battlegrounds.

These people are all idiots.

"Screams, dwarven battle cries, the heckling of the gnomes, and the moans of the injured filled the valley." Heckling? Really? Like, they're fighting snarkily? Like Spider-Man?

A bolt of lightning hit the fortress, then sparked and set all the catapults on fire.

Now the flaming catapults have exploded, leaving fire-beasts. Giant fire monsters with flame-thrower hands. Huh.

Oh, not all the catapults. The ones up on the cliff are fine. Which is just peachy because now they can shoot water barrels at the fire monsters to extinguish them.

"The men at the catapult did not question who gave the order; they just did what they were told." Eh. You don't really need to say this. I mean, I can see why people would question why they follow this Raven kid's orders, but if they've seen him pal up to the king, if the king has put Raven in that position of power, they would already know his orders were to be followed. Now it just seems like in the chaos of battle they'll follow any order they hear.

"The creature began to rebuild its flame, when, 'No you don't,' shouted Red running toward the creature." -.-

Red creature Red creature creature Red creature creature water water creature water creature creature the word repetition is maddening.

Let me just say that creature is the lamest word ever. It's so non-descriptive.

Rooooooll out the barreeeeelllll

The way she's describing the attack is draining all sense of urgency or tension from it. It's just so blank and lacking. People are dying, and I don't care.

Raven's back. I am pleased.

"Davenport started laughing hysterically." I don't think he should be hysterically laughing. This isn't the time for that level. Sarcastically laughing, maybe wryly laughing.

Davenport says, "I mean, I guess I owe you an apology, Mama. Mama, please accept my most sincere apology." -.-

"Gafton had left an easy trail for Drakkor and Masson to follow..." I'm seriously so frustrated that no one followed him earlier. They just withered away. Crystal should have felt him collapse. She should have noticed the lapse of his power.

"Inside the cave, Gafton awoke at the same spot he had collapsed at." GOSH DARN IT, THEY SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED HIM. So frustrated.

"'I'm almost home,' Gafton announced as he waded through the stream leading to his fortress." Why is the man announcing to thin air? Does he commonly do this? I'm opening the door. I'm stepping through the door. I'm crossing the foyer!

Mannon speaks in third person, he's small, he's a magical creature, and he's abused by his master. Mannon is Dobby.

They're going to regroup, take care of the wounded, and burn the dead. They're stopping. NOOO. Gosh darn it, NO. Gafton's passed the hell out. Crystal should feel that. She should pursue him. This is frustrating.

Ah. Paxy died instantly when she crashed into that boulder. Lyssa's crying to herself, "I'm not fit to be a mother. I saved her from Old Aggie's, only for her to die by Gafton's hand." Again. THIS IS WHY YOU LEAVE THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT.

Five seconds ago, Lyssa recognized Paxy's death. I just typed it. Now she's in full-blown denial. Paxy isn't dead, Paxy is asleep, you can't burn her, she's just sleeping. I'd accept this, if Lyssa hadn't said that whole "she died" thing literally five seconds ago.

Gafton left the secret entrance unguarded, but it was a clever ruse: now spears are exploding from the sky. Not bad, novel. Not bad.

Keyes just killed a man. One of his own team. Will he feel guilty for this? I sure hope so. It was an accident, yes, but it's a death. He caused a death. He should feel some guilt.

"Lyssa and Tritadon ran the children to the opening of the cave." WHAT THE HELL ARE THE CHILDREN DOING HERE? These guardians are seriously unfit.

"Gafton's magic was so much stronger [than the twins' power] that he overtook their minds and bodies, forcing them to do his will." And... "Paxy [flew] through the air and [crashed]against a large boulder next to the cave entrance." THIS is why you don't bring children to a large and bloody battle. This is why you leave them in the dwarf village instead of dragging them along to a freakin' war.

"The army marched into positions to face Gafton's fortress. The army commanders stood on the edge of the valley overlooking the fortress. They could not believe the beauty of the fortress." Yet I get no description of the fortress.

I think it's just a big open-topped square. They've decided they have to go over the walls.

"Father and son each held the hand of his wife as they followed Tritadon to the passage that led to the caves, where the Blue Ice could be found." I think we're talking about the father's wife, not the son's. Vague pronouns can be very frustrating.

This is a short chapter. So I feel okay with typing a few longish sentences out to share them with you. Ahem:

"As soon as the thousand reached the cave entrance, a single fire arrow would be shot to commence the attack. The catapults would throw boulders into the fortress. While the archers would shoot arrows, the cavalry would stand by if any of Gafton's army came out of the fortress. With the main army held in reserve, the ten regiments were to fight their way to the fortress door to open it for the main army to rush in." This paragraph is ended with the sentence, "Only the experienced of the army knew what they would do."

I think they KNOW what they will do. It's just been thoroughly described to me. Yeah, I know you mean, Will they stand their ground or will they run, but following ALL THAT... No.

"Seated on a throne covered in gold was a man, tall in stature, with a gentle face, and looks that were pleasing to the eye." Yay, Gafton's made a personal appearance.

"...I sense her presence; but that is not the only presence I sense." It's Obi-Wan and Luke together this time!

Gafton just "walked down into the army as if he belonged with them." Oh my GOD, you guys are such professionals. Even if you can't tell he's magic because he's shielded himself, you should know the people in your own damn army.

They "stood perplexed in each other's beauty and the warmth that was produced as their magical powers mingled." Crystal's got the hots for Gafton. He's got the hots for her. I am entertained by this.

Player just magicked her a rose.

"Crystal picked up the rose... It was her favorite kind of flower." She wonders, "How did he know?" I'm sorry. A red rose. He gave you a red rose. That's the most basic romantic flower out there. If it had been a purple carnation or something, then I could have believed this. But a red rose? No. No, sweetie. No.

Oooh, the magic storm may have been Crystal receiving the powers of a long-dead druid named Laytor. Would be nice if Crystal told me that's what happened.

New character! An orphaned boy raised in infancy by a raven. Perhaps he will be important. Perhaps this is just more background flair to lend credence to the world. I hope he matters.

Ten regiments of 100 people each, separated by fifty feet between. Each regiment is probably, what, fifty feet square? So that's covering five hundred feet of ground. I think. I can't picture this army. This might just be my fault. I can't tell if the novel is giving me enough detail, or if I'm just not picking up on it.

The volunteers they left behind were "covered in the ashes of the dead." I rather like that sentence. It's a bit Spielberg's War of the Worlds, but still, nice imagery.

New monster. Harpy this time. The main problem with this world is that the monsters aren't unique. They're all grabbed from other mythos and other novels. And they come out of nowhere. Just, oh, new monster? Let's take care of this and move on to the next one. Very much like your most basic video-game narrative.

"I am looking for three men. We came to find them when they didn't return. We know they are probably drunk by now." NO. You do not need to babysit men in your army. They wander off to get drunk, that's desertion, that's court-martial territory. Why are they treating this with "Oh, you guys, William walked off again. Go bring him back, Lieutenant," instead of FIFTY LASHES, YOU BASTARDS? This is war. Where is the professionalism?

"You're a Lieutenant in what army?" "The one headed this way." NO, you bastard. You state what unit, you state what brigade, you answer the damn question. "What army?" "The one about to kick your ass."

I want to scream from frustration. "They had been together for quite a while but it was after Ari twice saved Renn's life did she agree to marry him." "He informed the lieutenant that he had a sister who married a man named Renn." Let's just say in the blankest most boring way all the blank and boring exposition we can.

OMG. Okay, so it's not enough to tell me point-blank, "He informed the lieutenant that he had a sister who married a man named Renn." In the next, the NEXT effing paragraph, the guy lets us know in dialogue, "I have a sister named Ari. In a letter I got from her, she told me she married a man named Renn." I KNOW THAT. YOU JUST TOLD ME.

This novel has potential, it really does, but it is squandering it all with poor presentation.

"Morgas started laughing when he saw his sister covered in ash." Yeah, it's hilarious, isn't it, being covered in the ash of burned corpses? "Haha, sister, you have dead elf on your face!"

"Keyes, Tritadon, Drakkor, and Masson scouted the pass. The fewer scouts the better. Each scout was chosen for his own scouting abilities." Ohhh this chapter is off to a roaring start.

There are ORCS now. Son of a bitch. NO. NO NO NO NO.

"If Crystal, Lyssa, or the twins try to use their magic for any reason other than for shielding, Gafton will know where we're at and what our plans are." HOW? What makes shield magic different from other magic output? If he can sense magic and know specifically what it's doing, he can sense it coming out and forming shields. Surely.

They found Bazeal people dead. Andar is crying; "tears steamed down his cheek." (Typo, again, not mine.) I wish I felt this, too. I wish I had gotten to know and love these people. I wish I'd cared about the race. I wish so very many things. But I don't know who they are. I don't even know how many are dead. How many men, how many women, nothing. They're just random bodies.

So Gafton is living in magic mountains, siphoning their power. This pisses off the sentient mountains, who will help Crystal defeat him. Whoo.

I don't care for the debate about Crystal's virginity. "Is she pure? She had better prove it. Can she prove she's pure?" She gets up, "HOW DARE YOU, check it out," and transmogrifies into a white rose. Yay?

Only virgins can turn themselves into white roses! And those who doubt and look upon the white rose go blind.

I love the random things this novel keeps throwing at me. There's never a set-up. Shit just happens.

"Crystal waived the petals of the rose, then the rose was gone." Well, if she's waiving them, they'd have to be gone, wouldn't they?