Let's Run Away

It started with the towel. Why use a freshly cleaned hand towel to clean the dirty bathroom counter? We use that to clean our faces, dab our mouth after brushing, dry our hands after cleansing.

I was encouraged and prompted to drink this afternoon. Seemed like a harmless and fun idea. Too bad I'm spiraling now.

We watched "The Universe" for an episode or two. Humans are combinations of cells on a planet that exist in one solar system that creates a galaxy amidst millions of other galaxies.

Do we even matter?

Have you ever heard that nursery rhyme about a bump on a log? It keeps getting smaller. The scum on the bump

on the log

in the lake

in the meadow

at the place....

yeah yeah yeah we get it.

But really. Once we're gone, if nothing happens and we do not continue to exist or seek reincarnation or rebirth then what is the point of it all?

So we cease to exist and a handful of people are negatively impacted. Then those people are sad for a while and the world keeps spinning. Then those people cease to exist and their pain is gone. The universe keeps existing and nothing good or bad happens. Everything carries on existing.

What's the point?

Our happiness or sadness are a mere blip in the time continuum.

Every single day I wake up worrying about my appearance. For what?

I recently had discussions and considerations about having children. Does that matter?

I used to envy animals. Although they have a concept of sunrise, sundown, and general time periods, their life doesn't depend on the future. They live in the present. I worry that when I don't sleep well then my day will go poorly. If I don't eat in the next hour, then I won't feel good for my next activity. If we don't have sex in the next day, then our relationship will break apart. Animals just live in the present. They fail to grasp the concept of tomorrow and only focus on the present.

Another thought. At what point am I allowed to kick, scream, and throw a tantrum like men? Seriously. When I do it then the crowd reacts like "whoa, what is that crazy lady doing?". When a man has an angry spell, he's just frustrated or overworked... maybe stressed. When do I get to let out my primal scream and not frighten the neighborhood?

I'm tired. I'm sick of it. What's the point of anything?

I can’t help but go over and over in my head what I do wrong in every relationship. I’ve had one “successful, long-term” relationship in my quarter of a century of existence, but the fact that I wasn’t even of legal drinking age makes me think that cancels out. You learn to be guarded when no one wants commitment. You want to be able to live free, but it’s harder than it looks. “Yeah for sure! We can totally just fuck and enjoy each others’ drunken company. I’m soooo okay with that.” Not. You think you’re old enough for TV shows and movies to not affect you, but there is some sort of subliminal message that crosses over your eyeballs and seeps into the valleys of your cerebral tissue. It’s either screaming at you to A. only survive if you have your flawless significant other beside you, or B. that relationships are overrated and catching feelings is the worst thing since the third Reich. (Sorry I needed a very dramatic comparison.) It’s enough to make a girl crazy. At this point I’m really feeling a connection to Beyonce’s Lemonade album.

                What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy, jealous or crazy?                 Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately                                               I'd rather be crazy

Damn straight I’d rather be crazy. Have you ever slept at someone’s house to roll over and see their phone light up with another girl’s number? Spoiler alert: it is in no way a fun experience. Jealousy is a terrible emotion to feel. To continue... so you keep repeating the same pattern over and over again. He makes you laugh and smile. There’s chemistry. He asks you out and you go on a great first date. The next thing you know it’s 1pm on a Saturday, you’re laying naked watching college football in silence after having, debatably, the best sex of your life (wait for it) on the opposite side of the king-sized mattress from him! TMI? I don’t think so. (GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT *simultaneous fist shakes*) I digress. To reiterate, I’m so guarded from every previous guy dropping me like *snaps fingers* that, I can’t even bring myself to lay alongside the person I just danced the tango with. I can’t get far enough away. I might as well just roll off the bed and out the front door because emotionally that’s what I do as to not be disappointed yet again. Plot twist: by doing so I’m not even giving someone the chance to let me know where they see it going. Welp, I done fucked that one up! At what point did I become OK with a booty call, drunken text messages, and no second dates? Scratch that. When did I accept such actions as adequate and expected?

I need a change. We all do. All us single people that are trapped in the routine of social media dating and half-ass commitments. Now I’m not saying I need to be wined and dined and taken on expensive dates with lavish gifts. No way. Buy me a Budweiser and tell me you like my boots. It’s all in the actions not how much is in your wallet or how successful your resume is. I just don’t think it’s too much to ask for two people to think highly of each other and want to hang out a few times a week.

Sincerely,

I hate when reverse psychology is used on me. I also hate when people are supportive of my decisions when I’m in a bad mood. Kind of strange that I push people away that are trying to do everything in their will to cheer me up. That was the partial cause to the end of my first relationship. He was just too supportive and too concerned, and what did I do? I ran away from it all.

I can’t be supportive of others either, especially if it’s something I wanted. Oh, you’re at an amazing music concert and you made it to the front row? Congratu-f*ckin-lations! I sort of want to bitch slap you for being there when I’m not.

It is so foreign to me when others talk about me being so empathetic and considerate because quite frankly I’m a rude person. You think I fell asleep but in reality I didn’t respond because you are really pissing me off right now. I’ll respond in a couple days with some complete bullshit response blaming my family for some event that I had to take care of.

I want everything before anyone else has it. Call me the Veruca Salt of this marathon called life. The second anyone posts photos of a happy relationship on Facebook I immediately unfollow that person. I am insanely jealous and bitter and I have felt this way for as long as I can remember.

This rant does not have a happy ending so if you’re looking for how I cope and manage this just stop following now.

“At some point in my life, I just gave up.

No matter how many times I’ve been told I’m pretty and no matter how many weird ‘compliments’ I got from random men, I was convinced no man wanted to date me. Or at least, date me like a person.

Because I tried.

I did everything I could to get someone to take me out on an actual date. The only nice date I had ever gone on was a blind date and it didn't really go anywhere. If I did go on a date, it wouldn't be a date, but a Netflix and chill attempt I had to make an excuse to get out of before it could even begin.

Or I'd be interested in a guy, but he'll literally worship every female friend in my group and never really pay attention to me.

Or a guy would place me in that grey area between not being a friend and not being a girlfriend either. He would just ‘try me out’ to see if ‘something’ worked.

When it comes to dating, I’m always left with what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

I came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t the kind of girl men dated. I may be pretty but I'm not worth the effort. I guess I'm just the kind of girl you lust after or fantasize about, not the girl you fall in love with.

I say ‘guess’ because though I came to that revelation, I refused to satisfy anyone's lust.”

-Marie Cyprien @puckermob

We’re all running around pretending we know what we’re doing when in reality none of us do. We hook up with people. We hate people. We make bad decisions. We regret actions. All of it happens to the best of us. If anything is a lesson learned in this world it’s to be nice to one another. A hello, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a hand on your shoulder. All of these are things friends do for one another.

Recently an old flame apologized for his actions with another girl. Yeah it hurt to see them making out in front of me all of New Years Eve, but I knew I’d get over it eventually. I was irrational and got caught up in feelings that I didn’t even want to have for him, but I’ll be OK. What hurt the most was the fact that I was left by myself in the middle of downtown while he chased after her. It hurt that when everyone was ecstatic to see me he ignored me. It hurt that his mom jumped up to say hello, but he talked to everyone around me but me. It’s stupid and immature and I only liked the idea of him. I don’t deserve any disrespect. I don’t deserve a cold shoulder.

I DO deserve friends that will put on the Bee Gees when I’m feeling low and bring me crispy M&M’s. So long to this fun turned brutal chapter of my post-college career. T-16 weeks until I’m one more semester done with graduate school.