Suicide Hotel

Imagine Jared proposing to you [Requested] *********************************************

The traffic tonight was absolutely unbearable. I had finally finished up at work and was trying to make my way home to my boyfriend Jared.

We had decided that since he’d finished shooting and had some time off from the studio, we would have a little stay at home vacation. Just the two of us. And I was late.

Night had already fallen and I was still at least twenty minutes away. I was due home an hour ago.

I grabbed my phone while traffic crawled along and tried to call. No answer.

Half a mile and ten minutes later I tried again. Still no answer. Shit.

I made the drive in anger and silence finally getting home a full two hours late.

The house was dark. No cars in the drive. Where was he?

I unlocked the door to reveal a trail of tea light candles lighting the foyer with soft orangey glow. With a smile, I began to follow them.

Along the path, pictures of Jared and I in black and white had been placed. Memories of the last two years. Bus rides, climbing, failed cooking experiments, and candid moments that we shared together.

Through welling tears I reached the end of the path outside on the patio.

Cream colored pillar candles in groups of varying heights filled the seating area, where I found Jared patiently waiting.

“Jared…”

He stood and made his way to me before he began to speak.

“When I look back on the last two years of my life, there isn’t a moment that I would change. You have been there and loved me in times that I didn’t even love myself. You’ve embraced my brother and my mother as your own family, and they love you too. I want to be with you always. Have babies. Watch them grow and find the happiness that we have.”

He knelt before me and held open a small black velvet box that contained a simple elegant diamond solitaire ring.

“Will you marry me?”

As we got to Jared’s, waves of nervous energy fell on me. He parked the car in the drive and sat for a moment.

“Alright.” He said after turning the engine off. “What is it?”

“What do you mean?” I asked nervously.

“You seem different from last night. Just kinda… Nervous.”

“Look. This” I said gesturing to my outfit. “Isn’t me. I know you’re used to dating a certain type of girl and I’m just not the type to be…”

“Wait. What? Come with me”

Before I could process it, Jared was walking over to my side and opening my door and ushering me in to the house.

“Take those off.” He said referring to my shoes.

I was now six inches shorter and feeling exposed. But he just grinned and kissed my cheek. His fingers laced mine and pulled me towards the living room.

He sat on the couch and patted the spot next to him prompting me to see with him.

“I wanna get to know you.” He said sweetly. “You don’t have to try to impress me, you already do.”

I blushed as he pulled me in to him and held me. I felt like a fool in my backless dress and done up hair as we snuggled and watched a couple movies on Netflix. But it was ok. I felt like I could actually be myself with him. ———————————————– She felt good laying in my arms, resting her head on my chest. It’s a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while, and it was a feeling I didn’t wanna lose.

I fixed her gaze to mine and kissed her deeply as she moved up to straddle me. God I wanted her. I wrapped my arms around her and lifted my hips to guide her down to the couch.

My kisses moved to her neck as I took in the scent of her body. I moved my hand up her thigh as she moaned lightly. Dragging my fingers lightly down her, I couldn’t….

“What’s wrong.” She asked as I sat up.

“Nothing. I just… I don’t wanna rush this.”

She smiled and curled back in to my arms.

“Ok”

Oh, most definitely!

Imagine having to choose between Jared and your fiancé

I finish sending the last email, almost throwing my laptop across the room so I wouldn’t have to answer any more questions about Jared’s schedule. It’s almost 6 in the afternoon and I should have been at home at five. Jared still hasn’t appeared and his inbox fills way too fast for me to handle it.

When I hear the front door shut, I sigh in relief, one more minute and I would have gone crazy.

“What are you doing here? People are going to think I exploit you!” Jared laughs, entering the room with bags from Whole Foods, “You look really tired”

I am. But I just forget about everything the minute his eyes lay on mine. I start playing with the ring on my hand, remembering why I can’t allow myself to get consumed by his gaze and the way his body reacts to my intent of distraction.

“Well, you look even prettier when you are tired” He says, leaving his bags on his desk, I can feel all the air in my body stopping, not being able to continue its course, “How is that even possible?”

You can’t, I start saying to myself, stop it.

“Sometimes, when you find something that lightens your day, even the most tired people can… Glow”

Oh no, you did not just say that. So silly.

I can notice a small change on the way his jaw tightens, I know I’m saying this words because of him, but he doesn’t seem to get it. His head points to my hands, and a forced smile appears on his lips.

“You going out with… What’s his name?”

“Kevin” I answer, even though I’m sure he knows my fiancé’s name.

“Right” He sighs, still on his feet by his desk, “What time? Because it’s already 6 o'clock”

I check the clock on my wrist, I have an hour and a half to go home and get ready. Enough time to be able to stay for an extra couple of minutes in here.

“7:30” I say getting on my feet.

We share another look before changing our gaze completely. I save my laptop on my bag, check my phone, put my jacket on, but I’m still not ready to go. Everyday was the same. I would be happy at home, spending the night with Kevin, waking up in the morning to have breakfast together. But then, I would have to come here, hating myself half of the day, not believing the way my heart would race whenever my boss was near me. And by the time I had to go home, go back to my fiancé, to my reality, I just wouldn’t want to leave.

“I’ll see you monday morning“ I mutter, adjusting the bag on my shoulder.

Jared is now sitting on his desk, displaying all his food. His head raises to look me in the eyes, a small smile appearing on his lips. I know I’m smiling too, and it makes me feel like an idiot.

You’re engaged, you’re engaged…

“Have fun tonight“ He says, but I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t really mean it.

I nod, spending at least a whole more minute just staring at him. I have to stop, this is becoming really creepy.

By the time I decide I really need to leave, my phone starts buzzing. Kevin’s name appears on the screen, and I ignore the phone call till I’m inside my car. He sounds so happy, as always, and I try to imitate his tone as best as I can.

Once I get home I start getting ready for my date. A quick shower, dry my hair, pick my outfit and finally make up. My mind should be busy with the task at hand, but I can’t keep Jared’s smile off my head. I start wondering about him. Is he eating alone or did he invite someone else? A friend? A… lover?

The thought makes me uneasy, and I try to find an excuse to just give him a call, something that I forgot to tell him, or something that I may have left on my desk. Anything. By the time I dial his number I still don’t have an excuse, but I’m doing it anyway.

“It’s almost 7:30” He says from the other side of the line.

“I know” I mutter, giving another look at my ring, “I’m ready”

“Loverboy hasn’t appeared yet?”

I stay quiet for a couple of seconds, processing his almost angry tone of voice and the fact that he just called Kevin “Loverboy”.

“He’s on his way” I mutter.

The silence that comes after my answer is awkward, and I just want to punch myself in the face for calling Jared before my date.

“So, why did you call?”

“I think I forgot my… my…” I stutter, trying to think of something, when the thought of actually forgetting something at his house takes over my mind, “My glasses, I think they are in the kitchen”

“Oh, let me see”

I hear how he stands from whenever he’s sitting; his steps, the sound of a door, more steps. My doorbell rings right at the moment I hear the sound of the phone being put back on his ear.

“They are here”

“Good, can I go pick them up?” I ask, starting to walk towards the door.

“Now?” He asks laughing, and the sound of the ring makes him shut, “I think loverboy arrived”

“I have to go, thanks, Jared”

I hang, avoiding hear him say goodbye. I sigh deeply before having the guts to open the door, and change my expression of disappointment to complete happiness.

I’m engaged, I repeat myself.

Kevin doesn’t notice how distracted I am during our way to the restaurant, or how I avoid looking him in the eyes. I feel guilty for having another man in my mind, for wishing it was Jared who was in the car with me. But the night goes on, and I hear him talk about work, and how Jay, his best friend, almost broke a leg trying to get a date with one of their co-workers.

In the middle of dinner, the topic of our marriage starts coming out. Kevin has found a venue and wants me to see it, he thinks that it would be a bit small for all the people we want to invite, but he thinks we can handle it.

I nod, feeling a strange pinch on my chest. Kevin starts to notice how distant I’m being, and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is not empty, and the eyes of a girl go straight to my face. I don’t know her, but a smile appear on her lips.

“You escaped too?”

I nod, taking my phone out of purse, I have a text from Jared and I’m too on edge to read it right this second.

“I think my boyfriend is going to propose” The girl says, and the black mane falls covering her eyes when she lowers her head, “I’m not ready”

“Why not?” I ask her, leaning on one of the sinks.

“I’m not sure I love him enough to spend the rest of my life by his side” The girl confesses, and the familiarity of the situation makes me gasp, “I love him, I know I do. But what if I say yes and I end up finding the right one when it’s already too late?”

Why know? Right when my mind is already too busy with my own situation.

“If you say yes, and you find the one, what would you do?” I ask her, and I can feel the trembling on my voice.

“I don’t know, what else could I do but make the right decision for my heart?”

I nod, changing my gaze from the girl to my phone, deciding to read Jared’s message.

“Tell loverboy that if he doesn’t buy you champagne and strawberries, tells you how much he loves you, and ends the night with the best sex someone could ever offer, I’m taking you away from him”

“You’re crying” I hear the girl whisper.

I nod, “I think I have to make the right decision for my heart”

“Me too” She says, walking towards me to hold my hand, “Wish me luck”

“Break a leg” I mutter, squeezing her hand for a second.

The nameless girl leaves the bathroom, leaving me alone with my tears. I let them free for a few seconds, finally deciding it’s time to make the right decision.

I don’t even dry the tears, or reapply my make, before I get out of the bathroom. Kevin is finishing his glass of wine when his eyes lay on the state of my face.

“Oh my, did something happened in the bathroom? Are you alright?”

I shake my head, taking my seat in front of him.

I’m engaged, I tell myself, but I just don’t want to be.

“Please, tell me what’s going on, you’re scaring me”

I stay in silent, but my eyes fall to my hands. I play one last time with my ring, taking it off to place it in front of him. Kevin’s eyes dance from my face to the ring, and a nervous laugh escapes his lips.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t do it” I whisper, “I’m so sorry, Kevin, I can’t”

I stand from my seat, leaving a quick kiss on his forehead before walking outside the restaurant. I’m shaking, my whole body is trembling and I just want to run away from there. I catch the cab I get a glimpse of, almost shouting the address to the driver.

I read Jared’s message another time, thinking of a way to answer it, but there are no words for this. So I just wait.

The driver announces that we have reached destination a few minutes after my almost breakdown. I thank him, giving him a generous tip for having to deal with me in this situation. I stand in front of the door, thinking of ways to explain what I’m doing there when I was supposed to be having dinner with my fiancé. Well, ex fiancé.

I decide that if I don’t right that doorbell right this second, I may end up taking another cab home. I can hear the footsteps on the other side of the door, and Jared’s image appears in front me. He’s shirtless, only wearing pajama pants, and I can feel my soul falling to the ground.

“Hey” I mumble, folding my arms over my belly.

“You came for your glasses?” He asks, and I can see the glimpse of a smile.

“Maybe” I answer.

Jared moves from the door to let me in. When the door shuts behind me, it’s just a matter of seconds before my back is leaning against it. Jared’s body is pressed against mine, his nose caressing my temples.

“Your hand is lacking something” He mutters, and automatically, both of my hands reach for his neck, “I like it”

I use both of my hands to make his lips crash with my own. The kiss is desperate, his thigh getting position between my legs. I can’t even control my body, letting it do whatever it wants, following his movements.

“So…” He whispers out of breath, breaking our kiss to grab my hips, making me fold my legs on his hips, “Loverboy didn’t have champagne?”

“No, he didn’t” I laugh, reaching for his lips again.

“Then, I’m allowed to take you away from him?” He asks, cupping my face with one hand.

“I think you did that a long time ago” I mutter, before receiving another one of his deep kisses.

The kiss rapidly transforms into something else, and right there on the door, his pajama pants falls to the floor, and my dress and panties follow them. We can’t stop kissing, we have a magnet on our mouths that makes them play with each other, even when it gets harder. A moan makes me part from him when he starts filling me. I can feel the growing sensation of completeness in my chest, his body feeling as the missing piece of the puzzle that is my life.

My hands take hold of his arms, finding a way to make me follow his rhythm. His eyes hold my gaze, biting my lips, his hands clenching on my hips. This is everything I wanted, everything I needed, and he knows it.

I can hear myself screaming his name, but at the same time thinking that this is nothing but a dream. But this is real. I know it. I can feel his orgasm and mine crushing in one single moment.

Well, I have really bad news for you then…

Imagine taking care of Jared

I walk upstairs after failing to find Jared at his studio. When I enter the room all I can see is a pile of blankets over the bed.

“Jared?” I call his name, not sure if he really is in the room.

“I’m here” I hear him whisper under the blankets.

I get closer to the bed to start putting all the blankets aside. I count at least 5 blankets over him, and when I finally found him, he’s half asleep.

“Are you alright, babe?”

“I don’t know, I’m cold”

I reach my hand to his forehead just to notice how warm his skin feels against mine, his eyes look watery, and his cheeks are a bit rosy.

“Oh my, J, we need to go to the doctor”

“I’m okay”, he mutters, rolling on the bed to rest his head on my lap, “I just need to rest, that’s all”

“No way, I’m taking you to the doctor right now. Come on, get up”

After fifteen minutes trying to convince him to get up, I’m finally able to help him get dressed to go out. We get out of the apartment and reach the elevator to get to my car. During the ride to the doctor’s appointment, Jared falls asleep for a bit. His cheeks are still reddish, and his breathing has turned heavy. When I notice he’s also shaking is when I start to panic. This does not look good.

By the time we reach the doctor’s office, Jared starts coughing and I can see that his throat hurts every time he has to do it.

“Jared?”

“I’m okay” he murmurs, for what it feels like the tenth time.

We finally reach the place, and I help Jared get out of the car to the cold and showery New York afternoon. The streets look strangely empty for late December, but I appreciate it, since Jared wouldn’t like his fans seeing him this sick.

Inside the office I let Jared sit in the waiting room as I walk towards the secretary. The girl takes her eyes out of her computer screen to offer me a welcoming smile.

“Good afternoon, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Hi, yes. I have an appointment… Well, not me, my boyfriend”

“Can you tell me his name?” The girl asks, moving her eyes towards the computer screen again.

“Jared Leto”

The girl freezes for a second before looking at me surprised.

“I’m sorry, what was the name?”

“Leto” I say, trying not to get pissed at the girl who looks at me like she just found the holy grail.

“There are two more patients before Mr. Leto” She informs me, her smile even wider than before, “You can sit and wait, I’ll let you know when it’s his turn”

I come back to Jared only to find him looking at the television screen on top of a bookshelf.

“Do you want some water? I could hear you coughing while I was talking to the secretary”

“That would be nice, thank you, babe”

His face doesn’t look better, and I keep my eyes on him as I walk towards the beverages machine. When I return to sit by his side, he only takes a few sips of the bottle before leaving it on the coffee table in front of us. I can see an old lady sitting across from us, really interested in Jared and I. A smile appears in the lady’s lips when Jared rests his head on my shoulder.

“It would only be a couple of minutes before your turn” I let him know, taking his hand on mine, feeling how cold it feels to the touch, “Everything will be alright”

“I love you, you know?” He whispers, getting closer to me, “So, so much”

“I know, baby, I know”

A smile crosses my lips when I feel him get a bit more relaxed by the touch of my hand on his. I get to see a mother and her daughter get in the doctor’s office, and come back a couple of minutes later with a candy on the girl’s hand. Then, it’s the old lady’s turn, she gives us another smile before heading towards the doctor.

“You feeling okay?”

“I don’t know” he answers, sighing with a loud sound coming from his throat, “The fever has me a bit groggy, and I’m pretty sure half of my brain is fast asleep”

“You’re next, we’ll be back home in no time, you’ll see”

The lady takes more time inside the office, and once she gets out, I can see that the smile is no longer in her lips. I’m wondering if she received bad news from the doctor  when the secretary calls Jared’s name. I help Jared get up and lead him to the doctor, the secretary is on her feet, and her eyes don’t leave our sight till we are already inside the office.

“Mr. Leto, right?”

Jared nods, and I can see how red his eyes have turned.

“Welcome, my name is Anthony Simms” The doctor introduces himself with a smile, “I can already see what may already be happening with you, but I need you to describe me exactly how you are feeling, ok?”

Jared lists all of his symptoms: the fever, body aches, headache, sore throat, coughs, and so on. The doctor takes note of every word before asking Jared to follow him. Jared sits in an exam table, and takes off his shirt. The doctor listens to his heart and lungs first, then uses his hands to examine him and ends up checking his tonsils. When he’s satisfied with his examination, he lets Jared put back his shirt and come back to his sit.

“Well, Jared, it is exactly what I was thinking, you have the flu”

“Dammit” Comes out of Jared’s mouth immediately.

“Oh, I hate it too. I’ll give you some medication and you’ll have to rest for a couple of days. If things don’t start to get better in at least four days, come see me again”

“When you say rest, does that mean I have to stay in bed?”

Jared’s worst fear, having to be in bed doing nothing, feeling useless.

“Of course. You can spend a couple of hours in front of the tv if you wish, but I would recommend you to stay in bed. Anyway, one of this medications will make you feel sleepy, so you’ll sleep most of the day”

I could feel Jared’s frustration and I couldn’t help but to let out a smile. The doctor gives us a list of all the medication before leaving the office.

“Well go to the pharmacy right away, we can catch something to eat while we wait for your medication to be ready”

“I’m not hungry” Jared mutters, his arms crossed on his chest, and his forehead on the window.

“You have to eat, and you will stay in bed, you hear me?”

“I’m a grown man, I can do what I want”

“Yeah, but you are sick, and the doctor said you should rest” I say trying to remain calmed, I had forgotten how childish he turned when he was sick, “I’ll take a few days off work so I can make you company”

“What? No. You don’t have to stop doing your own things because I’m sick” Now I got his attention, the arms are no longer crossed, but resting on his lap.

“It’s Christmas week anyway, I’ll just use some of my vacations days. I don’t trust you to be alone at home”

“I already told you…”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a grown man, I know that”

He notices the smile on my face and I can feel him get angry.

When we arrive to the pharmacy, I ask him to wait for me on the car. Jared does not say a word, and only looks at me like an angry puppy. It doesn’t take more than five minutes to request the medication, and I’m already in the car.

“We have to come back in twenty minutes, let’s get some food, I’m starving”

Jared doesn’t even nod and only looks at the window. If I didn’t know him like I do, I would have started telling him how fast he would start to get better, trying to make him feel better, but after years being his friend, and now his girlfriend, I knew that it wouldn’t make him feel better. One of the worst things for him was being sick.

I drive to a vegetarian restaurant and get in the drive-thru. Jared cheers up a bit while looking at the menu and asks for a couple of things. Our food is ready in just a few minutes and we are already driving back to the pharmacy.

We eat outside the store, waiting for those 20 minutes to finally be over. Jared is still quiet, eating his food in a slow pace. I reach to kiss his cheek, still warm from the fever. Back in my seat, I see a smile cross his lips, leading his hand to hold mine.

“I’m sorry if I’m being a bit annoying”

“It’s alright” I mumble, before biting my burger.

“When we go back home, can we lay on the couch for a couple of hours and watch movies?” Jared asks, starting to kiss my knuckles, I laugh at his question, nodding like crazy.

“All the movies you want and all the hours we want to”

“Even though the doctor said I shouldn’t?” He asks with puppy eyes.

“If that keeps you away from work…”

Jared leans to my side of the vehicle to kiss my lips, leaving small kisses all over my cheeks.

“I love you” I whisper.

Imagine Jared helping you after a break up

“You don’t have to go” I hear Shannon speaking from the bedroom door, “This is also your apartment”

“No, it isn't” I mutter, “And after what I had to witness, I can’t believe you are asking me to stay”

I hear his sigh before leaving the room. Shannon knows that he fucked everything up and I thank him for not begging me to stay.

I place the last couple of shirts on my suitcase before closing it up. I take a last look at the bedroom, noticing how out of place my luggage looks on the floor. My eyes move towards the bed, bringing me images of what I had to see just a couple of hours ago. I can feel the tears forming on my eyes, but I can’t allow myself to cry again. Shannon doesn’t deserve my tears. Just one tear escapes from my eyes before I use my sleeve to dry the rest. Just keep yourself calm for a couple of minutes more, in one hour you can cry and destroy everything that gets in front of you. But now, just keep calm.

I spent just four months on that apartment, reason why I have only two suitcases with me when I reach the living room. Shannon’s eyes travel from my luggage to my eyes, and I’m not able to hold his gaze.

“Do you need help?” He dares to ask.

I shake my head, taking my luggage and walking towards the door. I take the apartment key out of my keychain and let it drop on the small table next to the door.

“It wasn’t all my fault, you know?”

I turn around to face Shannon one last time, he looks angry and his arms are crossed on his chest.

“I may have been too busy with work, but you were the one who kept her heart looked up. I love you, but you didn’t let yourself love me back”

“That’s not true” I whisper.

“You lie to me, you lie to yourself…” Shannon shakes his head in frustration, walking towards me, stopping a few feet from where I stand, “You never loved me, and we both know the reason why”

His eyes look hurt, and for the first time since I found out what was going with Shannon, I feel guilty. I let out a smile, a hurt one, and get out of the house. There’s nothing more I can say to him, and there’s nothing that he can tell me that’s gonna fix what happened.

When I’m on the street I realize I have nowhere to go. I sold my apartment when we decided to move together, and my family was miles away from me. Shannon would have laughed at me, seeing me take my phone and dial the number that saved my ass more times than he would have wanted to. “Hey, I was just thinking about calling Shann” I hear his happy voice from the other side of the line, “Emma and I have been thinking of having a night out”

“I’m not going” I whisper, my voice breaking.

“What? Are you alright?”

“Can you come pick me up? Something happened”

“Sure, just tell me where”

I decide that the coffee shop in the corner would be a nice place to wait, since the weather keeps getting worse by the minute.

The girl behind the counter greets me with a smile and writes my name on a cup, “Your usual Latte?” She asks me, I nod leaving a couple of bucks on the counter.

I decide to sit on the back of the place, leaving my luggage on one side. My phone is the only distraction I have for the moment, I check my emails and answer a couple of them before I hear the front door open again.

Jared enters the place and it feels like everyone turns around to see him walk inside. He is wearing his hoodie over his head, but once he takes it off I can see how messy his hair looks. With a smile glued to his lips, he walks towards my table. I allow myself a quick look at this eyes, and that’s when he notices something isn’t right.

“You’ve been crying” He whispers, leaning on the table to reach my hand, “What’s going on? Why… What’s all this luggage doing here?”

I want to answer, I want to tell him everything, but the tears get hold of my eyes and my view of his hand on mine gets blurry. In no time, I’m letting go all the pain on my chest. Jared gets up from his seat to move his chair next to mine and hold me in his arms. I can feel the beating of his heart when he puts my head against his chest. I let everything out, feeling his hands caress my hair, and his heartbeat as a lullaby.

“He cheated on me” I finally say, noticing how his hands stop caressing my hair, “I found him on our bed with a girl”

All I can hear is the intelligible conversations of the other people in the shop. Jared stays quiet, holding me for what it feels like hours. I want him to talk, to say anything, I just want to hear someone say how much they understand me. I need someone to lend me a hand, because now that I say it aloud, it hurts even more.

“Who?”

“I don’t know, it was just a girl, probably from work”

His hand starts moving again on my hair, and my heart starts to feel a bit warmer.

“You can come with me” He whispers, resting his cheek on my head, “We’ll fix this up, don’t worry”

Jared takes my luggage and takes it to car, while I sit on the passenger sit. I can see him through the rearview mirror, still hearing Shannon’s laugh in my head. Without noticing I take my hands to my face, trying to erase his laugh from my memories, trying to forget I was going to marry him.

“Ok, everything’s ready” Jared says, entering the car, “You okay?”

I nod, taking my hands off my face, giving him the most sincere smile I can. A smile appears on his face as he starts the engine.

It doesn’t takes us long to get to his apartment, the streets look awkwardly empty now that it has started to rain. Jared takes my luggage inside the building, and I follow him as we enter the elevator.

I can see his reflection through the mirror and I can’t help but ask myself how two brothers can be so different. Jared notices my eyes on his reflection and offers me a kind smile. I can’t return the smile, so I just lower my head to keep getting lost in my thoughts.

His apartment looks a bit messy, but is the kind of mess that Jared understands. Both of my suitcases end up in his guest room.

“Make yourself at home, once you are ready come to the kitchen, I’ll prepare something to eat”

I nod, sitting on the bed. Jared stares at me for a few seconds before heading towards the door.

“Jared?”

He stops, but does not turn around to look at me.

“Thank you, for everything”

It takes me an hour to set a few of my things in the drawers, get a shower and get the balls to head to the kitchen. Once again, Jared is here for me, holding me, showing me that I’m not alone. I sit in one of the stools, his eyes look away from the pan in his hands for a few seconds to look at me.

They do not have the same eyes, not even the same color, but these eyes remind of the ones that made me cry earlier. Jared seems to notice something isn’t right almost immediately.

“He called, let me finish here and we’ll talk, ok?”

I nod, feeling my body tensing at the thought of Shannon talking with Jared.

From the way Shannon and I met must have been a sign of how our relationship was doomed from the start. We were at a club, I was with friends, Shannon with his brother and Emma. We all had our eye on Jared, you just don’t find someone like him every day, and we knew that. Two of my friends tried their luck, both being rejected by the mysterious blue-eyed man. I was the only one who didn’t want to do it, and I got bored of their endless conversation about this handsome man. I end up in the bar, drinking a beer alone, when Shannon appeared by my side. He recognized me from my group of friends, and we talked about their attempts to seduce Jared. When he asked me if I was enamored by his brother too, I couldn’t say no.

Shannon knew all along that I had feelings for his brother, but that didn’t stop any of us of trying to make our relationship work. After the last couple of months, Shannon started ignoring the matter completely, and we didn’t spoke about it unless we were fighting.

When Jared finishes cooking and serving dinner, both of us sit on the dinner table. He’s too quiet, and I’m too tense.

“What did Shannon say?” I dare to ask, after two whole minutes just looking at my plate.

“He wanted to know if you were here” He says, “He also asked me if I…”

“If you what?” I ask him, even though I know what’s coming.

“If I had already fucked you”

Now that the words have finally come out of his mouth, a long sigh leaves his body. My body is more tense than before, and I feel the tears threatening their way out. My attraction for Jared was the Achilles heel of our relationship, and I wasn’t really surprised that he would ask Jared something like that.

“I’m sorry” I mutter.

“It’s alright” Jared says, holding my hand tight, “He’s hurt too, he made the wrong decision and knows it”

“Yes, but he shouldn’t…”

“Hey” He stops me, taking his other hand to hold my chin, making me look him in the eyes, “He fucked up, we both know that. Now, you need to recover from this. I’m not leaving you alone”

I nod, feeling a single tear rolling down my cheek. He’s right, I need to get over this and move on.

Jared lets go of me, asking me to try what he prepared. I nod again, trying to show a smile to let him now that I was being serious about getting better.

We don’t talk about Shannon again during dinner, Jared talks about work and how stressed he’s feeling. Emma becomes the center of our conversation at one point, even the idea of getting a dog once I find a place to live and how I should name it.

Once we finish, Jared asks me if I want to watch a movie, or just find something on tv.  I accept, there’s nothing else I  have to do. We watch the dishes first, leaving everything clean before laying on the couch. Jared searches something on netflix and we end up watching something old.

We keep our distance, laughing at times, sharing a few smiles and looks, but never touching. I just want to feel at home and forget about everything, so I end up ignoring how uncomfortable can be at times trying not to get too close to the other.

When the movie ends we stay in silence for a couple of seconds, even a minute, just looking at the credits roll.

“I should go to bed” I mumble, but not even moving an inch.

“Do you have to work tomorrow?” He asks, turning to face me. I shake my head, avoiding his eyes.

“Thanks again” I whisper one last time, finally getting up from the couch, “I’ll see you tomorrow”

I walk fast to the bedroom, leaving the door closed behind me. And, suddenly, everything comes back to my head. The tears start rolling again, my chest tightens and I feel a scream wanting to come out of my throat. My breathing turns heavy, and it’s like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. I need air, but I can’t move my body to get to the window. Out of nowhere, I can feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, and Jared’s voice trying to bring me back from my little hell.

“It’s okay, try to breath slowly” He says, doing it himself so I can imitate him.

I do as he says, being carried to the bed, and sitting on it. Jared’s hands never leave my arms and shoulders, caressing me and lifting up my head so I can see him in the eyes.

“That’s it, you are doing great”

I can feel more air going through my lungs, and my whole body starting to relax. In just a minute I’m okay, breathing normally, but feeling my body as if a truck ran over it. Jared smiles at me, caressing my hair.

“Can you stay with me?”

“I’m here for you, don’t worry” Jared whispers.

Jared nods, helping me lay on the bed. He lays by my side, getting his body close to mine, covering us both with a blanket. His heartbeat serves as my lullaby again, leading me to calmness immediately.