Tennenbaum

U. and I went to the No Kings rally today in Brooklyn. It was sweet--a lot of older folks and kids who were so excited about leading their first protest call-and-responses.

L. this morning (she stopped by) told me about a times article that called the efficacy of protesting into question, and she wondered why they had to choose that morning to do so. I think protesting's better than nothing, I told her, and I do. I'm always very curious about the question: "how does social change happen?" and I think a big part of that is repeated exposure to concepts in the public arena. The Brooklyn Institute for Social Research is hosting a class in April, "What is a Social Movement?" Then that always gets me wondering if people know that they are in a social movement (or any movement, really--artistic, cultural) when it's happening or if it's only one of those things that's understood once it's codified as history. did people at gertrude stein's salon know that they'd be seen as paragons over a century later?

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ps: I really liked this guy's shirt, and while cold, it was still a brilliantly sunny late-March day

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here are some reads about social movements that are on my list

how we show up

zen and the art of saving the planet

let this radicalize you

I got to play the bass in guitar class today. We played this song by St.Vincent called flea. It’s so good. I love that my teacher David loves these female rockers.

I knew a bass player in high school. M, upright base. He surfed too. He took me to my first jazz club Yoshi’s in Oakland where I was so mercilessly bored. I just remember driving down 880 in his old green minivan filled with surfboards and he wore a grandpa cap, which K and I have decided are always a bad idea.

I kissed him on top of a mountain once, I was 17 and he was talking and I just interrupted him and I was so proud of myself because it was such a bold move. We made out and I remember when he dropped me home he kissed me goodbye which surprised me. It was kind of like how D kissed me bye when we were dating, it was sweet and unexpected. Just a goodbye kiss, no expectations attached.

Anyway it turned out M had a girlfriend. We’re still friends but you can tell we’re older now with divorce and kids and sobriety. He lives in Oregon and every time we talk it makes me want to run away west.

Then David played Ramble On and I swear it’s like being in the middle of a meadow with sunshine pouring down on you.

Will I ever know the meaning of life?

What happens when we die?

How will I make the most of my life?

How can I create the most good with my life?

Where does art come from?

How do you capture those little moments when your life swells up inside of you?

How can we be so mean to one another?

Are we going to be able to stave off global warming?

How can we create a more compassionate world?

how the fuck does work fit into all this?

I booked a trip out west. I got sick of winter...seasonal affective (SAD--still the worst acronym of all time) had me in a totally robotic state. Someone put it to me as feeling "devoid of all humanity" and I don't think that I could have phrased it any better. I landed last night and I can feel my soul waking up. Because of that, I also have 15 thoughts crashing into each other at the same time, an internal backlog that's just come back online. Some are mundane: "what is my schedule like at work today?" Others feel more existential: "I need to spend more time in wild spaces before I die, how do I do that, how do I want to live my life, how are we living our lives today, how do we make parts of this hellscape better while keeping the good bits" No answers, but feels nice to have wheels turning again.

My friend Car is a constant source of wisdom and knowledge--one of those friends that shapes you in the most profound ways. Lately, she's been sharing with me resources and ideas around rest--in particular, she recommended the "The Nap Ministry" on IG and the book "Laziness Does Not Exist." I got through half of the latter before it was due back at the library and now I'm back on the waitlist so it's gonna be a minute until I get to the end. That being said, both texts argue the critical need for rest. Americans in particular seem susceptible to overwork. Not sure if it's because of capitalism, hustle culture, our puritan work ethic, but we work longer hours with less vacation compared to other western countries (not to mention our shitty education, healthcare, and parental support systems). And we learn to ignore the signs of overwork, to our peril. And to top it off, so many studies show that productivity takes a nosedive after 40 hours.

They say not to bring technology into the bedroom--it's not considered good sleep hygiene. But fuck it, here I am, on my Chromebook and on my bed. In that same vein, I feel like I should be writing these posts in a Google doc and editing them before they're ready to go, but it's more fun to treat this bad boy like a circa 2002 live journal and shoot from the hip, otherwise I'll never write a thing.

I got sick with (what I think is) Omicron on Dec 30, so my NYE and start of 2022 have been pretty quiet. I'm feeling a lot better but I'M SO BORED. It kills me that when you have all the time in the world is exactly when you don't feel inspired to do anything creative. Commuting to work (well, back in the day!)? Like 10 fun ideas. And this would be the perfect time to like, write a novel or something. But nope, nada.

And the boredom isn't even pleasurable, although that probably has to do with the fact that I don't have private outdoor space (which, btw, I think there should be a law that every house/apt has access to some outdoor space). I'm off of work for a few more days, so I'm not slacking on anything, but I can't get over the fact that I'm not using this time "productively," and I'm not even one of those people who's all #hustle. It makes me wonder how much capitalist culture really messes with our sense of selves. Take like, self-talk: my self-talk is so rude, but being compassionate to myself feels indulgent. Yet compassion seems to get better long-term results. Same slowing down vs. hustling. But it's hard to get over the "guilt" that comes with wanting to exist in those ways. And I guess that answers my question about capitalism. Of course, these are probably felt more in a city! Which, city living has its perks! But how do I learn to slow down? I think part of that will need to include more access to nature, parks, etc. Parks everywhere! There should be more parks.