i don't why im writing i don't know what to write. All i can think about is that i dont know What to write about, theres a billion things running through my mind. it never stops. im stuck in a loop of "i don't know." im just thinking about overthinking...what? how can you think about thinking. im so much of a loser i'm over thinking about overthinking. When does this stop? i think about my woman Aot. I think about my kids a lot. I feel like a bad dad. how do i be a dad when i never had one? i don't want to mess them up. i don't ever want them to wonder if i love them, so i tell them every time i see them. i'm a full-time stay at home Parent...i have no social life, nor do i want one. i only see them, so im saying i love you a lot. they are all i have. my woman, my daughter, my son. i admire her so much i look up to her a lot. She gave me two beautiful kids. She works so hard. She's doing so good, and im so proud of her. my life has been Chaos. She's provided me with stability. we are all full. We have beds. and Clothing. water. everything we have, we have it because of her. i love her so much, My life Sucked before her. things have not been easy. depression Sucks. if ever there was GOOD and EVIL, it's Love and Depression. i feel so guilty about it. im fighting it. it infects everything it touches, so i cut it out ... i didn't realize what i was writing. i wonder what my kids are going to think. I've done it since i was a kid. i My mom worked as a massage therapist. i remember going. Yknow thinking about it now memories are tricky it's kinda Just a blur. a flash, really. i just remember laying alone in a dark room. It's lit up by an exit sign, and there's a mini fridge or something in the corner of the room. im just laying in this room, putting my finger in the open top of a coke can and cutting my finger. I feel like i remember a car ride shortly after that. i never really put much thought into this. i don't want them to be ashamed of me. they remind me of her a lot. they're beautiful. i don't see myself in them at all. that Scares me. im glad they don't look like me cause im butt ugly. im scared they got the parts of me no one can see. i don't want them to have depression. my little girl is nonverbal. add Something like depression. It's Cruel. She's such a cute kid. She Sings. and dances. She's normal and so beautiful. i have a really difficult time seeing things in my mind, but their faces are branded. i hope i keep fighting.
