The Elmer House

Nov. 20th, 2017

Things have been oddly rough at my house lately. I normally have a very easy going disposition but lately internally I’ve felt so frustrated. I’ve noticed that I’m quick to anger and my tongue cuts like a sword. Very quick to yell - at the dog, at my girls, at my spouse, I couldn’t figure out where this was coming from. I’d prayed and prayed and prayed about it, and I still felt like I was lost. And then it hit me. The Spirit guided me to read Gal 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith”. I was so content I continued to read the rest of the chapter. And it got me thinking.

This time last year I was the Student President of the College I was attending. I owe a lot to that college and how grateful I am for my experiences, the leadership, the autonomy, and the friendships, but more on that later. We started off pretty rocky. My Vice President and I began to not get a long, and my Senate was crumbling beneath me. It was incredibly stressful. The advisors who I would reach out to for advising didn’t truly seem to care. They weren’t interested. I felt like everyone was pointing the finger at me, and that I was the one who was failing everyone else. To make matters worse I was pregnant and fairly emotional.

You see my Vice President had become a really good friend of mine and to fight with her caused quite an internal struggle with me. And the advisor who Id felt like was turning her back on me I’d truly come to look up to and respect. All the friendships I made, all the leadership skills I’d learned, all the experiences I’d earnes were being skewed. All the good times were being replaced by very negative thoughts. I was struggling. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I needed help.

I wish I could say that I had this crazy beautiful moment where things all of a sudden got better and everyone came around and snapped out of it. But they didn’t. Thinks spiraled out of control. My VP tried to get our Secretary removed on grounds that were unprecedented, I stood up for him and destroyed our friendship. She eventually quit. The girl who would replace her decided she wanted more power and really became close with the advisor and when it came to decisions they overran me and completely destroyed my Senate’s perception of not only me as a leader but me as a human.

I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. Begging God for a sign, asking Him how I could be better. What I could do different. Was it wrong to try to be just? Was I thinking incorrectly? How could I change my perception? Did any of this even matter? I’d like to say even now that it got better... it didn’t. It was a complete struggle all the way to the end. We finished I gave a graduation speech, and I left. No connection to my right hand person former or present. No connection with the advisor I had once been so close to. And my family moved away to go to a school where my spouse and I could keep progressing.

I believe that the reason I’ve been so frustrated lately is because about this time last year every little piece of the foundation that I’d built was chipped away and crumbling. I was feeling residual feelings that I’d had from that time.

What was I doing so wrong? Why did I feel so worthless? How could I have been better? And I still think I wasn’t completely perfect. I think that I should have been more patient, communicated better, been more engaged, and I believe I should have been more humble. I wanted recognition so bad. I wanted to right all the wrongs that those before had made. I wanted to be the best and have the best Senate that school had ever seen. And I failed. And that was an awful pill to swallow.

If you keep reading Galatians it says Gal 5:26 “Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.”

And Gal 6:2-6,

“2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.”

It was my burden to bear. And I was being vain. I should have been more humble and far more thankful. *I* should have been better. No matter what the others were doing, I should have done better. It wasn’t about them. It was about glory to God. And I am so sorry, I should have been better when I was in that phase of my life. If I could go back, I would be better, I would try harder, build better relationships, and not sweat the small stuff. I should have acted like the leader I knew I was. Still protecting the meek, but communicating why I was doing what I was doing. I should have been more honest and more open and in general more caring.

I know what I’ve done wrong. And I’ve prayed much. I believe I can now put that chapter behind me. I am so thankful for my experiences.

Thanks to anyone that made it to the end.

As a consolation here’s a water color I painted with my four year old today. ❤️

November 15, 2017

This is my first blog post.. So wish me luck!!

This is my first ever blog, and I’m not even exactly sure why I’m starting one, other than it seems like it might be a fun way to do something for myself! I plan to share my favorite recipes, stories about my life, my girls, Paisley and Sage, Justin, my future husband, (as we’re not quite married yet), my religious journey, leadership, language, makeup, education, and everything in between! If you’re reading this, that means you’ve found me! If you’re interested maybe you’ll follow me?