Quintessence

It's kind of weird sometimes to see how much I havent changed.. still doing drugs except maybe now I'm functional.. still completely alone.. still laying down counting how many times my heart beats harder than it should. The blue streams of my lifeline fading from my arm promising me promises that I have heard before.. I dont even know what to say to myself. I am not a bad person but for some reason at the end of the day, I just have other junkies who are just as lonely as me sprawled across the floor passed out half dead next to me.. with the same sad fucking story of being afraid to have hope in ourselves again. I cant tell you how many times I have let myself down and that hurts more than anyone else. I dont think I can try again but I also dont want to just submit to being the annoying 45 year old drug addict screaming at all the tourists that think Seattle is a pretty place to visit. But then again, I just got back home from picking up inside the jungle.. it's also interesting to see that I can just walk up to this tent being run by random brothers who are apart of a bigger operation and buy from them. They have pounds available all day and you dont have to call them, anyone can walk up and place an order. Seattle, everybody. We also are now allowed to use in public with no consequences so when I try to go to the blade (this block downtown that is overrun by drug dealers) and ask someone to buy from them, they like are smoking blues on foil right in front of cops like its chill. It still freaks me out. I'm a private person for the most part I guess.. how am I not dead yet. Also.. where are all the people that promised to never leave me when things got difficult.. why does that include everything except for drug addiction. I'm so sad..