dead boy

If I keep practicing I might even be a person soon

it still comes as a surprise that closeness cannot be achieved from a safe distance

i know i’ve talked about this before but it’s really insane when you were passively suicidal for two decades and out of the blue you catch yourself saying shit like “i’ve been trying to eat a lot of fibre because i don’t want to risk colorectal cancer in my 40s” like okay … 40s are part of the plan now?

let’s all make the really uncomfortable decision of being brutally present in our bodiesssss 😍😍😍😍

I will do anything to be free

Even escape?

I dont know. Can i do that

“this character should kill their abuser” i agree. unfortunately they wouldn’t do that.

like it feels like “some people can have complex feelings about or even love their abusers” is tough for a lot of people to grasp because they’d rather have some kind of easy karmic retribution toward a character at the hands of their victims. which i sympathize with. but sometimes they just wouldn’t do that, you know?

"came back wrong" sure yeah that's cool i guess "came back suicidal" now you're talking

came back imprisoned by obligation to bear responsibility for the love and grief that others feel for you. came back painfully aware of the horror of existence. came back to a life you cannot bear to live anymore, to a body you cannot bear to call yours.

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that