Down the Rabbit Hole

"“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work; his sexuality, the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman, I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

Def - The male reproductive genitalia, the penis also known as dick, fails to meet expectations thus triggering regret in the other receiving party

Uh. I've never thought I would come across someone who, just at the thought of them, manages to induce severe nausea and gagging. Now, I met this man many many months ago God, he was so nice. So I really tried to like him. But I couldn't even handle how he smelled. And it was just me! Pheromone mismatching at its finest . Wow. I can't believe I let him touch me.

And of course, he's tried to make himself look better. But no amoubt of outfit changes or showers could help it!. I never really believed in the concept of pheromones and genetic incompatibility until now.

Write a letter to yourself five years from now.

My dear,

I hope you this letter finds you living your happiest most peaceful life. Are the cats still being good? Of course they are. They're always good.

Are you still running? I know how much that make you happy. Keep doing it. It makes you feel the most alive.

Are you single? If you are, great! I know it's because you've never settled for less than you deserve. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning, who makes you feel like the treasure that you are. I would rather you be alone that to see you waste your beautiful soul with someone that lacks your luster.

Are you with someone? I know for sure it can't be vanilla. Lol. And I know you found someone great. I hope he never stops making you smile everyday. I hope he knows to give you sweets and keeps them stocked for you. I hope he knows how to give you the best bruises and pull your hair just the way you like. I hope you love the way he smells. And I hope he makes you feel the safest you've ever been.

Don't ever stop doing things that you love. Live for you.

Love,

What is your favorite physical manifestation of D/s?

Oooh there's a lot and it's hard to pick a favorite. D/s is always a mental game. Most of the time the dynamic can't really be perceived by vanilla people unless you know what you're looking for.

So to me all physical manifestations are quite wonderful things. My particular favorite is the use of the the symbol of a collar.

The meaning of a collar is different for everyone and for every dynamic. For me a collar is a symbol of my ownership.

Not all may agree, but I firmly believe in the concept of self collaring as a way of staying true of your submission and acknowledging that you own yourself and hold yourself to your own set of standards. I have one myself.

Of course until the day I presented my own collar to my Dominant for him to replace with his own as a symbol of giving myself to him.

Is there something (a type of play, an act of service, a rule, or requirement) that you don’t enjoy but submit to anyway?

What is one quality you think most Dominants possess?

Confidence.

What name or title do you have for your Dominant?

✨Daddy✨

When we reconnected after our hiatus, I couldn't call him Daddy again. In fact, the first time we played after our hiatus, I called him Sir. (For more on my choice of titles read this post.)

It wasn't until a little after that he re-earned that title from me after our hiatus. But it really did take a little while for me to call him Daddy again. I never discussed my choice of titles with him, but I think he knew when I hesitated to call him Daddy.

What makes you insecure? How do you handle insecurity in the context of your relationship? Outside the relationship? How does your Dominant handle it?

What makes me the most insecure is the uncertainty of someone being there for you when you're trying to ask for help. I'm very self reliant and I rarely ask for help unless I'm drowning, so when I ask and reach out my hand, it takes a lot out of me.

I know that this response is a result from the trauma I had when I was with my abusive ex and I'm working through it with my therapist. I'm very proud of how far I've come.

I won't lie that there was a time in my dynamic with my Dominant where I needed him and he wasn't there for me. Looking back now, I understood why and I don't blame him (although... He couldn't have handled it any better I think... Dominants are still human after all.)

We can't forget that you also deal with the struggles of a Vanilla relationship when you have a D/s dynamic.

Realizing that, we took a hiatus between us and it helped ground us. Our relationship is different that where it started after the hiatus and it was all for the better. I've learned to take things light and slow because that's what I need. Really it's what we both need.

I don't think we have any insecurities outside of the relationship and I dont he does either.

Think about and respond to this passage from a Submissive’s Creed: “ I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Top and will do my best to fulfill his wishes and desires”?

Fulfilling my Dominants needs is my purpose. He has a need and I deliver it.

I believe it is my responsibility as a submissive to actively find out and deliver the needs and desires of my Dominant. To fail to do so is a breach of the exchange we have informally negotiated.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

I have my personal journal that I write in whenever it suites my fancy. I started writing in journals since November 2019 and it's worked well for me even now. There are times when I feel like I have to censor myself from saying things. They might be things that leave a bad taste in my mouth or are things that I would rather forget. But I believe those are the things that should be documented.

So when I hesitate to write things, I try to remember that there's no one else that's going to read my journal. No one else will have the privilege of reading my innermost thoughts. When I say that to myself, I feel the most free to express myself.

"If I have to do something out of the ordinary for me, then we are not a match. I am going to be myself for the foreseeable future, so if that does not inspire submission now, it never will."

Flagg

To me, my submission to a Dominant has to be effortless. He has to inspire submission in me everyday. That means we have to be compatible. I acknowledge that I may not meet 100% of his needs, just like he may not need 100% of mine, and that's okay. It just has to be enough to make us both mutually happy.

What's something that makes you feel renewed and ready to take on the world?

"How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished?"

Rumi

You don't.

I used to think that I was a person that hated having others tell me what to do, but then I realized I only hated it when I couldn't respect the person who was the one polishing me.

How can I allow myself to be polished by just anyone? I already have high standards for myself so it takes a a lot for me to respect someone and even more so for me to put them above myself.

Recall an occasion someone was kind to you when you weren’t expecting it.