Thorny Roses

We pick back up during the cocktail party, where Becca is getting some quality time with her man bitches. 

Blake: “I just want to take Becca’s mind off things and make her feel comfortable.”  “How many kids can I put in you? I’m shooting for five.” 

Jordan is trying to come up with new ways to show Becca his wild, spontaneous side. 

Jordan: “I am wearing a high-angled collar with no tie... Can you fucking believe how crazy I can get?!”

And we get the return of top-bunk David. Don’t worry bro, chicks dig scars and black eyes caused by ceramic tile. Jordan could not be happier that he is still the “best looking in the house” - apparently says every guy in the house. 

Time to dish out some roses and crush the hearts of guys that “care about Becca”. Who the fuck is this guy in a track suite? 

Nick (looked him up): “This is the time to pull out all the stops, this track suit is who I am...” 

*producers in the back* “Becca we are going to need you to keep Jordan around a couple more weeks. He’s an actual moron and that’s what we strive for here.” 

What better place to take your multiple partners... PARK CITY, UTAH! 

One-On-One - Garrett

Shopping and taking selfies (cool digital camera Becca), bobsledding with two olympic athletes/lovers, and skipping in unison. This is how most of my first dates go. 

Garrett: “She was gripping me so hard. My heart was pounding for two reasons ;)” 

Becca: “You remind me of my dead dad, I’ve never dated my dad before.” 

Record scratchhhhhh

Garrett drops the bomb on Becca that he has been married and divorced. We know how Bec handles any knowledge of other girls in these guys lives. “Oh so you had a girlfriend before? I just don’t know if this will work out.” 

Becca: “Why didn’t it work out?”  Garrett: “She was emotionally abusive, she wouldn’t let me express myself.” (You fucked her cousin) 

And what would a destination one-on-one be without a concert in front of strangers with a musician they both pretend to know. Granger Smith? 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln is educating the men on the physics of our flat earth. 

Lincoln: “The reason we don’t fall off is because gravity and friction. If the earth is round why isn’t the water falling off...?” 

Group Date

Lumberjack date... 

Lotta wood, lotta egos, lotta flannels. 

Becca: “When I was growing up, girls were crushing on Leonardo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake. I liked the lumberjacks!” 

Who are “the lumberjacks”...?

Yay, another themed relay race. I am slowly learning the way to a girls heart is through barely organized team activities. 

Jordan is in his underwear again... Becca won’t even kiss the dude hahaha, and this girl has literally tongued everyone.

Jean Blanc comes in hot with a rehearsed sonnet and a bottle of perfume named Miss Becca Blanc. 

JB: “We can hyphenate your last name if you prefer.”  Becca: “Is there a hyphen in ‘not-interested’” 

This seems like it is really going well. Let him down easy girl, or bury the axe deep. GET YOUR COLOGNE ASS OUTTA HERE! 

Jean Blanc: “So, like the gift, I thought it was what you would want and all that I said, I thought it was what you wanted to hear.” - Every girl’s dream, target brand perfume with a fake name on it and lying about loving them. This show brings out the true gentlemen of America. 

One-on-One - Wills

Poor Wills has to follow the disaster that was Jean Blanc, then doesn’t get to talk to B for the first half of the date, when they finally get to talk it’s about her issues. 

I never wanna hear the name Jean Blanc again. 

Wills opens up to B and she dropped the “let’s get out of here”. Is there a fantasy suite option this early? 

---

C.H. busts in to drops the brutal news of no cocktail party. How do these dudes sit through these rose ceremonies without a Titos and soda in hand?! 

Becca: “I don’t want to put the guys through a cocktail party, if I know what I want to do.” - I think that’s exactly the opposite of what I would want. Let me rip a shot before you rip my heart out. 

Can someone fill me in on what I don’t know... How does this John guy keep getting a rose? 

JORDAN STAYS 😂😂😂😂 - I smell a two on one coming! 

“I think everyone is getting along except one”  *Pans to Jordan staring at a cabinet eating avocado toast* ... Well who is it?! 

Group Date:

I always feel like the guys are way to excited for group dates. Those two words should never be together and it usually comes down to them measuring dicks either way. 

Becca brings all her girls out on the group date, including Tia, then invites Colton. This bitch just wants to dangle Colton in front of Tia like Aaron Fucking Samuels. 

The guys meet B at the spa, when she reveals that they wont be getting pampered they will be doing the pampering. Jordan looks like someone broke his hair straightener right in front of him.

Becca introduces the guys, gets to Colton and forgets Jason is even on the damn planet. Jason, you can shave your back now... bye Jason. 

Becca and Tia are fighting to see who can show more cleavage and Tia’s nipple is inches away. We do have to address that Colton is the one socks and sandals guy... there’s your trophy ladies. 

Jean Blanc: “We played as gentlemen and let’s all sit and talk with her.” *Becca walks in* Jean Blanc: “Hey girl, wanna come over here for a sec.” 

JEAN BLANC PLAYED YOU FUCKS! 

As B gets pulled aside from each of the guys, Jordan runs some quick numbers for us; 100% Bumble matches (4,000-4,000) - Those are all-star numbers bro! I would pay money to see his opening line. “Don’t be intimidated by my profile picture.” 

Jordan: “I know it’s hard that I am a model, I am not looking for someone pretty. Someone with a bright smile.” 

David: some dumb comment that wasn’t funny Triggered Jordan: “I’m a Wilhelmina Model (had to Google it), don’t be jealous of my three year deal with them. I am professionalism. I am attached to my face. My image is me.” As the Wilhelmina talent scouts begins to search their system to see if Jordan really has a contract...

Colton looks like he is in the clear, he gets the rose. Jason definitely regrets coaching him through all of that. 

One-On-One (Chris):

Chris and Becca may have traded jeans in the limo... The two pull up to Capitol Records. Guess who is waiting for them?! Richard Marx...... Yep no clue either. Didn’t look like Chris had any idea, cause he introduced himself like when the girl you’re on a date with runs into a guy she knows outside the restaurant. 

Richard tells Chris that he needs to write a love song for Becca... 

Chris: “This is tough for me, it all goes back to my upbringing and my relationship with my dad.” - Or maybe because you are writing a love song for someone you’ve met twice. 

If I stop talking about this date it is part because Trump and Kim interrupted it, but it’s also boring so I’m probably on Instagram. 

Quick update: Jordan still has his nails painted. 

Jordan: “I talk to God everyday, and God knows, you cross Jordan... You 86 them!” I believe that was Genesis 8:34. 

P.S. - Really not kidding I am done talking about this Chris date... I’m over it. 

Did the Bachelorette just become an episode of 48 Hours?! David left in a pool of blood and probably hairspray (looking at you Jordan). “He fell out of bed”. 

Group Date 2: 

The guys get to play some football! 

Becca: “Clay this is right up your alley” Clay: “Gee golly. Thank you for allowing me to come on this date” (Least manly voice possible)

But he is fucking people up as the G.I. Janes of the LFL (Legends Football League duh) scream in their face. 

What bet did Keyshawn Johnson lose to have to commentate this stupid date. He must have missed that note in his ESPN contract. 

Who the hell gave these nerds hockey masks!?

Lincoln: “The one thing we have that the white team doesn’t is heart” - The one thing that the white team doesn’t have is Lincoln and they are very happy about it. 

Clay down a touchdown with 1 min left

Until he becomes a bitch breaks his wrist. 

Becca is sending more people to the hospital than the Ebola outbreak. 

Evening rolls in and Garrett “teaches Becca how to tackle” essentially just politely asks her to grab his butt. 

Clay makes a grand entrance with his sympathy sling. “I told the doctors to wait for tomorrow, because I have a date.” In reality the ambulance dropped him off at a CVS and he bought a sling and some wrap. He gets the rose. 

BUT WAIT - Clay has a decision to make. Fight for the girl he tolerates or continue to play on an NFL practice squad. We have a real Sofie’s choice! He decides to break Becca’s heart/make her sending him home in two episodes easier and bows out. We will see him on a future season of Bach In Paradise. 

Let the game begin! 

We got ourselves a group date... 

Chris Harrison: “Guys, Becca is taking this shit really serious. She is not messing around!” Becca: “Welcome to the date, can you all change in front of me?” 

Bringing Jordan on this date is a recipe for disaster and great TV. 

Becca: “Are you a model?” Jordan: “Were you dumped on national TV?”

Jordan just said the word pantyhose, Becca needs to pull him aside and let him know this isn’t going to work out before he slowly slaughters her family. 

Rachel and Brian throws the guys a “curve ball” by making them go through an obstacle course in their tuxes. Nothing says I’m ready to marry you like dunking your balls in ice water. 

Lincoln is officially your season villain. 

Lincoln: “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with a unicorn on a pot of gold” - Watching it was like flying to Kansas City on a Spirit flight next to a vegan, crossfitter.” 

The guy is sitting on the couch talking to a picture in a Ikea frame. CONNOR CHUCKED THAT SHIT and apparently shattered Lincoln’s heart. We are 2.5 hours into this season and we got high school drama. 

Lincoln: “Connor broke my picture” Becca: “Oh, ok”  Lincoln: “I’m scared, yell at the scary man.”

Jean Blanc: “You have a great smile, but also love your ass lips.” - annnd for that you get a rose. 

Link is sobbing over this Walgreens photo, this storyline is not gonna die. Slip the memory into your spank bank and move on. 

One-On-One: Blake

BAHHHH GAWD it’s Lil Jon!!!! 

I can’t even pretend to make fun of this date, this is fucking sick, but we get it. Arie is a douche, how many more times do we have to bring it up. 

Bec is going home run derby on this shit, she has a hell of a swing. Piss test? 

Blake: “I had a very similar situation to you. I fell hard a fast for a girl, told her I loved her in two months. One day she was taking a dumb and saw a text where her friend asked if she had dumped my ass yet.” “You get it, right” Becca: “Yeah, same situation essentially.” 

Blake, you don’t strike me as a dude that told a girl you loved too fast... *two minutes later* “I think this is the start of our love story”

Group Date #2

These middle schoolers are absolutely big timing the shit out of these bros. 

Little Girl: “You are slow, you are shit, you are trash”  Little Boy: “Crank this thing to 100, catch my balls you bitch!”

God damn, these kids are ruthless. 

Leo, those locks, feathered and lethal. Takes one off the ass to lose for the pink flamingos. Becca better make sure everyone gets a trophy though, we don’t need anyone’s parents calling ABC. Sensitive millennials. 

Garrett: “I feel like you are the girl version of me.” - If Becca isn’t wet after that, IDK what it will take. 

Colton needs to let Bec know that he was poking one of her friends “Let’s hoping we can get past this.” - Wait... it was a weekend?! Big relationship guy. “Timing wasn’t right, it was a Senor Frogs in cancun, I just didn’t see it going anywhere.” 

Becca: “I’m scared this isn’t working out” - Ok, it’s day two. Season is looking hopeful. 

Cocktail Party

Touchdown dances, creepy poems, and more picture smashing. Becca feels like she can turn this season around. 

America: 

Jordan: “I want to show Becca that there is more to me than just clothes. *strips naked* I need her to know she can handle being next to this sexual icon!” - Putting the cock in the cocktail party. “I am not always 007, my hair is always amazing and I’m crazy.” 

This dude is has so many layers. If you slammed Jordan into Jason you 10000% have Joey from 10 Things I Hate About You. 

David: “Are you more than a model?” Jordan: “Are you more than a human?” - True battle of wits. 

Jordan: “If I took an IQ test you would a score a little higher than a model.” “It’s called inguinity!”

Becca seems to have some intense self esteem issues. She has dropped the axe on anyone who has any connection to her life. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!!!??

Does it make anyone else laugh that when she calls dudes up that haven’t seen more than 2 seconds of tv time to come get their rose that they think they are making progress? Looking at you Mike and John (I think). 

Jordan: “I can’t believe David got a rose. I’m an alpha” - You are wearing a pink velvet blanket. I did learn that there are only 100 male models in America though... Tough industry to break into. Dreams are crushed, looks like I have to pursue my second passion of rare cancer research. 

We join Becca back at her lowest life moment (maybe her TV peak). Not sure if this is an adopted family that Becca is talking to, but their is no way that she spawned from this creepy 80′s group living in what looks like a funeral home. 

Minnesota banned Arie from the state BAHAHA ok Minnesota glad you think you’re a state worthy of banning someone from it. I’m sure he’s torn up about it. 

“BRING ON THE GUYS” - B is horned up and ready to meet the next group of ABC’s favorite douchers. 

Before we get to meet the groupies, we need to sit down with the sisterhood of the traveling 

Clay: No other way to start the Bachelorette than our first contestant working out and stripping down. “I got drafted by Philly, dropped by six other teams, it’s been an extremely successful football career.” 

Garrett: Already annoyed with this ass clown. Not sure what that weird accent was, but hope he leaves it in Reno.

Jordan: Hi I am Jordan and I am a male model. “Modeling isn’t so easy, you have to like tan and shit”. 

I spent six hours hand-selecting my outfit. Your life is FULL of substance. 

Lincoln: Foreign and works out. 

Joe: How the hell can we make the fact that this guy owns a grocery store interesting. Show him fondling fruit and making produce puns. Done. 

Jean Blanc: “I’m a colognoisseur...” So you are the guy that shoots me in the face with lavender when I cut through Macy’s? 

Colton: Another “pro football player”, oh if you didn’t get injured you would have def made it! Thanks for bringing confetti cannons, the grounds keeper is really pumped to clean all that off the freshly hosed driveway.

Grant: He respects what she went through, great way to lead, with her pain. 

Connor: “Close your eyes, I am going to fake propose to you. I hope you don’t have PTSD...”

John: “Hi, you are like my gramma.”

Leo: Look I have long hair. 

Nick: Another Arie joke, original. “Meeting Becca was the hardest thing I have ever done.” Is the Bar exam that easy? 

Mike: I know the other guys are referencing your asshole ex, but I wanted to bring a life-size cutout. 

Blake: annnnnd there we go, our first live animal of the night. “I haven’t been able to get you off my mind” - You met for four minutes... 

Chase: Jokes including your own name. Bold. If you think it’s all about the CHASE it’s probably because so many women are running away from you. 

Ryan: A banjoist? Is that a flourishing career? Is your mom proud? 

Kamil: What is a social media participant? Don’t we all participate? 

Trent: This bro sat in the back of a hearse, I don’t need that bad juju. 

David: A chicken, he might as well mushroom stamp Jordan in the face with how offensive it was to not wear a full pressed Armani. 

Chris: Pulls out the entire choir like a damn Natasha Beningfield music video, does this actually help?

---- 

Connor with the first “steal” of the season and just like that, the men are instantly in battle mode. Clay moves in next...

Clay: “So my name is...” Becca: “Clay, I remember!” Clay: “I wanted to help you remember my name by playing with clay.” Well she did remember you, so now you just have a weird date. 

This John nerd helped create Venmo!? Is this creep loaded? Becca may have been the first chick he has ever interacted with on purpose. “I hope my Venmo are like your legs, always open...”

Jean Blanc: “I wrote you a poem, can I recite it to you?” That poem engraved on the top of that candle lid... You bought that fucker at Things Remembered in the mall you work at. 

Jordan is over there sipping a mochaccino trying to think of one thing he can break the ice with that doesn’t have to do with the new brand of concealer he is wearing or which headshot he should use for abc.com. 

Meanwhile, Chris is already starting drama by asking grown men for advice on whether he can pull another grown man aside to tell him that their ex. At least that we did uncover that Chase is one weird cat. “Can I hold your hands.” 

Becca: “So we’ve met before and you weren’t interested, so can you like go?” Jake: “We met like once.” Becca: “It was multiple times, we’ve met before. Several times we have met. In the same group of friends. We have seen each other before. We’ve met.”

Hey, Becca, have y’all met? 

Jake: “I need to get this off my chest. I have had a very transformative year. If I saw you in a bar tomorrow, I would totally try and fuck you.” 

After the first boot of Becca’s tenure, she gives her first impression rose to the minivan dude... This is gonna be a long season. And a kiss?! 

Jordan: “If I don’t get a rose, it would be the biggest upset. It would be a huge disservice to Becca.” - I would rather roll naked through a sea of thumbtacks then listen to this fucking guy talk about himself anymore. 

He got one *eye roll*

Rachel: “I have never felt like this about three guys at the same damn time.” 

They literally say this shit every season. There is a reason you haven’t felt like this about three people at the same time... It’s because this isn’t real life! 

Yay! Now we find out we get to watch this emotional train wreck with one who caused it all. “Rachel, come on out.” 

Rachel: “Like, IDK if Peter is ready to leave the bf/gf stage... and it’s been like 2 weeks. WTF is he waiting for?!”

Rachel’s fake eyelashes are about to bitch slap the shit out of this dude right now if he continues to “fight his feelings”. *Reaches for room key* - Peter doesn’t seem to be fighting not to go to the boom boom room... Don’t worry girl the fantasy suite cures all insecurities. 

Peter: “Waking up this morning some of my doubts are gone. She really ‘opened up’ and showed me how much she ‘cared’”

Boy got some! 

BRYAN

Bryan: “Which horse do you want?” Rachel: “The brown one, it matches me.”

OoOoO racial ice breakers, she finally told Bry Bry she’s black. 

Bryan felt like Rach wasn’t there during the start of his date, and you KNOW he is thinking about how Peter dropped that good D on her the night before. 

Bry guy breaks out his leather jacket for the night portion of the date, pulling out the old “Bad Boy” look to make up for the lack luster performance during the day... Well played. 

Damn! If quality of the suites indicate who Rachel likes more, Bryan just won. Peter just slayed in a mud hut and Bryan laid down pipe in a palace. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Do we NEED to go through this... Have a producer tell Eric to pack his shit and go. 

Formalities are formalities... Let’s make these guys sweat it out. 

Eric is out. Peter gets the stuffy, white boy handshake and Bryan gets dapped up like they true boys. 

Peter: “When she said someone who is ready for a proposal, she looked me dead in the eyes. Why am I not there?” - Cause every normal human wouldn’t be either. 

FINAL TWO

Bryan - coming right back flashing the leather, bro knows that shit worked and is sticking to his guns. 

A hot air balloon over vineyards... This place is really limited on activities huh? 

Bryan gives Rachel a really special gift, actually it is just a shitty spanish-english dictionary with a cheat sheet; esposa, amor, azul, bibioteca... You know all the favorites. 

Peter - feeling insecure about his standing with Rachel going into this final date didn’t get better when she decides to take you to a church to get a boring ass tour. 

Rachel sits Pete in front of a priest who preaches the importance of marriage, homegirl cannot be less subtle at this point, beating this dude in the head with this idea of getting married. 

Peter: “I can definitely see football games, baseball games, farmers markets and wine/painting nights.” - Wow Peter just summed up marriage in four events. 

This dude has no clue what he wants, and if he is already saying the words “multiple marriages” - you are not it... Eric watching at home like “BIIIIIITTTTCCCHHHHH”

Rachel: “OMG we are matching” - Yes both in grey, bringing out all the colors of love. 

Peter: “I am NOT READY TO MARRY YOU.”  Rachel: “I am so confused.” - girl do you need to take out Bryan’s spanish-english dictionary. It ain’t going to get much clearer. 

This argument is got America throwing shit at the TV. Peter is not earning a Bachelor spot while he is making enemies with every woman in the country. “I will make a sacrifice and propose to you if that’s what you want.” - Every girl’s dream. 

Peter can leave Rachel, but please say he is going back for that cheesecake! 

And then there was one. 

“In the most anti-climatic finale in bachelorette history” (Chris Harrison voice)

This audio guy must be shitting a brick with the amount of wind that is crushing his sound quality. 

Bryan: “I am totally in love with you and I hope you feel the same.”  Rachel: “Funny thing is... I actually don’t have any more dudes. So looks like you’re my forever.” 

Fresh off Rachel outing Dean’s Santa dad then stomping on his heart. 

MEET THE PARENTS

Peter grey balls is first up to meet Rachie’s rents. 

Rachel: “You are getting to meet my family, now buy them presents!” - Do we get the ABC company card for this shit? 

They pull up to the house and it looks like Papa Rachel is doing pretty well for himself, but just like last season he will not be in attendance. He must work for NBC... Peter meets Rachel’s, Uncle, Aunt, Sister and sister’s nerdy-ass, white husband. Dude must be packing cause not sure what else brought those two together. 

Peter: “I said I would not ask your daughter’s hand in marriage until I know for a fact that she is perfect for me, and if ABC will be paying for our wedding in a special spinoff.” 

Eric is the next one up on the chopping block... Who would have thought, Rachel bringing a black guy home would be outside the norm in her family?

Rachel’s Mom: “Hey Rachhhh! We were just talking about you!” - Yeah, no shit, there are 5 camera men sitting in your living room waiting for your daughter and a stranger to walk in the house. 

Eric is laying the the buzz words on Rachel’s family thick. 

Foundation

Compromise

Passion

Protector

Family

Eric: “Can I have your daughter’s hand in marriage” Mom: “If Rachel decided she liked you, I would be aight with it.”

That went well. 

Last and probably least... Bryan. 

Bryan: “You going to show me some Dallas.” Rachel: “You are going to brunch with my girlfriends.”

Bro. Run. (Unless it’s bottomless mimosas)

These two blondes didn’t even drop a bomb on this guy... They literally sat there and jerked him off under the table as Rachel watched. 

Bryan: “I love my mother, and cherish her every step.” Mom: “If your mother and Rachel got in an argument, where would you side?” Bryan: “With the wife, but I would hope they could work it out.” Mom: “But if they hated each other...” Bryan: “The wife.” Mom: “So wife above the mother.”

BITCH asked and answered, what more do you need him to say...?!

The family continues to grill the shit out of Bryan at lunch to the point where he had to awkwardly remove himself from the table. Hopefully to take a puff, puff, pass with the audio guys. 

Rachel freaks out on her mom and family for how skeptical they are, her Geek Squad brother-in-law tries to drop some Dr. Phil on her and Rachey aint having it. Just shut up dude. 

Rachel: “I honestly think I’m falling in love with Bryan.” Mom:

Wow they really aren’t feeling this cat...

SPAIN

Rachel: “I can’t believe I am spending the next two weeks here!” - Pulls out world’s smallest carry-on.

*Emotional balcony shots and walking through streets as Rachel reflects on each guy*

Eric and Rachel are the first two explore Spain in a helicopter... and Eric looks like he pooped his pants. 

I am beyond sick of hearing about this dude’s guard being up and how he can’t express his feelings. Sack up mother fucker and just put on for the damn show, she ain’t picking your ass anyway. 

Rachel: “How do you feel?” “When did you know?” “Emotional or physical chemistry?” “Are you ready to propose?”

Jeeeeez no one told Eric he had to study for this date. Can we get to a multiple choice portion? 

He went with the easiest way to avoid all those questions; dropped the Love bomb on her and to the Fantasy Suite he goes. 

Rachel: “So do you wanna do this?” Eric: “Yes, all in for the win.” - Ok Rachel, take it back, take it back! 

Peter’s turn to earn his overnight. 

The two enter a cave of wine (heaven) and run into a strange Spanish troll man who apparently didn’t get the memo that he had two dumb Americans down there and only spoke/sang in Spanish. 

Shut up clown and pour me some expensive wine. 

As they travel outside to have an emotional exchange on their future, a scary child peers around the corner and interrupts, leading to the full family putting them to work stomping grapes. Not going to be a good batch... Put it in their fake locker. 

Peter: “My parents have this tradition that whenever they share a bottle of wine they keep the cork and write the memory on it.” - That is a fucking lie, half the corks in my house would say either “I was bored” or “It was the closest bottle to the couch”.

Rachel: “Why don’t you wanna get engaged?” Peter: “This is where we differ.”

Peter just went from a one way ticket to pound town to ordering an Uber downtown. IDIOT. 

So if you didn’t notice (which the majority of mankind didn’t), I missed last week. It wasn’t an accident, contrary to popular opinion the loser that writes this bachelorette blog every week HAS a life and passed on it for a week to live. 

Moving on... It’s Hometowns (HOLY SHIT)

ERIC (BALTIMORE)

Eric: “This is the nice part of the city... and this is NOT where I’m from.”

Previously on The Wire

They start the day Love & Basketball style, on the courts of the Charm City. DJ Jazzy Jeff’s little brother interrupts the date to boost his boy’s stock. 

Lil’ JJ: “He hasn’t brought a girl home since prom... and that was up and through the window, he slammed too.” 

The couple shows up at Eric’s aunt’s apartment with some weeds and a tin of CVS brand cookies. Why does Eric look exactly like his aunt, but nothing like his momma? *thinking emoji*

Eric’s Aunt: “Let’s bring up the four letter word we are all thinking about; LOVE R-A-C-E.” - Oh yeah... Well that didn’t take long. 

Pretty much your typical hometown visit... “Then ya get home and she le’ yo ass for a white boy!” Bye Eric. 

BRYAN (MIAMI)

Spanish, dominos, and Calle Ocho... We are mediocre beat away from a Pitbull video.

Listening to Bryan describe his family is making me extremely uncomfortable: “My dad is soft spoken and charming and my mom is a latin fireball” - Do you want her to meet them or fuck them?! Only to find out that all of Bryan’s relationships have ended because of his mother... and when Rachel walks in we quickly learn why. 

This. Bitch. Be. Scary. 

She stares latin machetes right through Rachel’s soul. I wonder if Rachel is getting the same subtitles that we are... cause I have no clue what is coming out of Bryan’s Mom’s mouth. 

That woman has at least six people trailing the Rachel’s GMC to the airport. 

PETER (MADISON)

What grown adults live in Madison? 

Peter: “Every Saturday is the farmers market.” - Man Card Revoked! 

After the farmers market they head to the local watering hole where Peter last ate with his side bitch friends. Who, in coincidental fashioned, all happen to be right outside the door. 

This all makes sense now... All Peter’s friends are mixed couples. 

Rachel: “Peter told me he had black friends” - That has got to be the whitest thing said on earth.  Peter: “I would like to steal the gentlemen for a little guy time.” - Ok, well I stand corrected. 

We meet Peter’s family, but I am not sure where he gets his gap-tooth or lack obesity from... Glad to see his mom is still holding that mid-west, John and Kate plus eight hairstyle strong! 

Rachel: “I melt when I see Peter with his niece, I think he is ready for a family!”

Ummmm I get really happy to go on my friend’s boat, but doesn’t mean anyone should trust me with one.

DEAN (ASPEN)

Dean strolls down the dirt road in size Jr. Slim sweatpants.

Rachel: “Who am I meeting today?” Dean: “My Brothers, my sister, my Kungaleeniogiedjshfajdbf Sikh dad that I haven’t talked to in 2 years...” *record scratch* 

What... The Fuck... Did he... Just say? 

The bachelorette seems like the appropriate time to reconnect with your Sultan father.

The two walk in the door and I immediately feel straight discomfort/in serious need of a Xanax... AND I’M ON MY DAMN COUCH. This cannot go well and I can’t wait. Dean aka an embarrassed 13 year-old is not feeling this situation at. all. 

The father/son duo have their first one-on-one in years and Daddy Dean starts ripping his son’s energy a new a-hole. While Rachel is outside in the middle of an emotional roller coaster with Dean’s sister.

This shit is getting real fast. This might be the most raw moment on the bachelorette and its taking place in the on the ground in a hut in the middle of nowhere. Who knew?

ROSE CEREMONY

Rachel put on an entire season’s worth of makeup for this rose ceremony, shit must be getting down to the nitty gritty. 

Down to Peter and Dean for the final rose... AND Rachel sends Dean (the kid who just went through a life’s worth of family drama in front of the world) home. That kid earned himself limitless ass for the next 10 years from this episode, he’ll be fine. 

The mismatch of the century continues on the second straight night of drawn out drama. While Rach is off leaning up against a log being “confused”, the roid rage is picking up down by the water. 

Kenny: “Hahaha, hehehe, who who who” 

This guy is gearing up for the mental breakdown of the.... *Rachel walks in*

Kenny: “Oh hey Rach.” 

Rachel tells Lee that she can’t trust his snaky ass and he needs to leave, but Kenny still has a night to prove himself. As the two are about to get into the helicopter and take off, Kenny HAD to run back to tell Lee he was a piece of shit four or five more times. 

Rachel is just sitting in the helicopter waiting like...

Kenny quit while you’re ahead big man, but the dude figured a way out of it and came back to the room with the rose. 

K calls his daughter to brag about how cool her future stepmom is and bursts out into tears... Daughter: “Get it the fuck together dad, you are on national TV and my friends watch this shit.”

ROSE CEREMONY

They make the guys walk into the rose ceremony through the woods, holding lanterns like they are hunting Frankenstein. 

Josiah: “I can’t wait for this rose.”

Rachel is whipping through the roses...

Josiah: “I feel bad for all these lame fucks that aren’t getting a rose.”

Rachel gives the final rose to this Matt character, who we are pretty much just realizing is on the show...

Josiah: “Who are these guys, there isn’t a single person in this house that thought I wasn’t getting a rose. I love all these guys, but they all suck.”

Ummm... Bye Jo. 

OFF TO DENMARK

Time to get high as shit so we can get through the next hour of this show. 

ONE-ON-ONE (Eric)

This dude is coming out the gate with N-R-G

“Sailors used to live in these houses by the water!” - Rachel was bringing the heat with the epic tour...

There are just random tubs of hot water in the middle of the sidewalk and the two decide to hop right in. As they are cuddling in their shit water, a fatty in the tub next to them jumps up and whips his wang in their face... If you already weren’t skeptical of the public bathwater you were sitting in, now might be the time. 

Not gunna lie, home boy crushed that date. 

GROUP DATE

They get to be vikings... yay. 

Viking Fighting Instructor: “My name is Chum (Tom) and I am a Wiking (viking) fighting instructor.” 

If I have to listen to this fat elf say “wiking” one more time, I am going to scream. 

What better way for Rachel to find her future husband than to put 7 guys in a rope circle, wearing Uggs and chest bumping. Can someone put a ring on it now or what?

WE HAVE BLOOD! All is fun and games until someone hits themselves with a prop shield while taking a viking game way too serious... 

Rachel: “Peter is someone that sparked my vagina interest as soon as he got out of the limo.” 

These two have been so close to penetration throughout this season that we might as well skip to the Fantasy Suites now. 

Kenny is starting to feel the home sickness, he took the high road and dumps Rachel’s ass. Dump her, before she dumps you... Guy stuff. 

ONE-ON-ONE (Will)

Just a casual boat from Denmark to Sweden. 

Rach and Will sit down in a coffee only to have an elderly couple interrupt their date and rub in their face how in love they are with each other. 

*Old people kiss* Rachel: “Will... Kiss me!”

He don’t get it...

All the guys that Rachel has prepared to clip have admitted that they have never had a better date in their life than the date that they are currently on... I don’t know what kinda dates they have been on, but these dates have been rough. 

If Rachel was dependent on Will to save himself tonight:

Rachel: “Tell me about yourself” Will: “I don’t traditionally date black women” 

Will, this ain’t gonna work out. AND another one bites the dust. 

ROSE CEREMONY

R Baby has been bouncing these bros left and right and we are about to go into our second rose ceremony of the episode. Can you just cut some of these no namers so I can move on with my life. 

The girl gets emotional as she pulls a Shakespeare quote out of her ass, there is no way it is this hard to send stitchy-eye packing. You have barely shook the dudes hand. 

ADAM GOT A ROSE? That is what we call a pity rose so he won’t sue the producers when he loses his eye, but now we have to worry about Alex bringing his hate for Americans back to the mother land. 

A two night Bachelorette event... I’m sorry, but besides semi-alcohol dependent, soccer moms and lonely freshman chicks who attend their 8am’s... Who the fuck is excited about 4 hours of the Bachelorette in one week. We got shit to do ABC! 

Anyway we dive right back into the yacht club where Lil’ Lee is about to go head-to-shoulder with Stone Ken Steve Austin. The two get into a pointing match, but part ways before Lee could get lawn-darted into the water. 

Bryan’s “confidence” gets him the group rose and Kenny feels he has to let the group know how much he appreciates Rachel’s selection:

Kenny: “Bryan, I respect you for playing this the right way... Not being a snaky, bitch, snake-bitch, snake.” - Sounded sincere to me.

ONE-ON-ONE (Jack Stone)

The world is reminded that there is a guy on this show with a first and last name. I remember this fuck getting out of the limo, but not where has his pervy smile been for the past 3 weeks?

They kick their date off with oysters... If Rachel is not horned up for this used car salesman after 2 dozen oysters she better send his ass home. Stoner goes in for the kiss and Rach pulls the ole “I don’t wanna get you sick”, this fool is still convinced it’s going well. 

Rachel

Back at the house, “Battle Aggression” is still burning hot. Lee is still looking for clarity on why a giant man would call him a bitch after finding out he snitched on him. I can’t wait for the lightbulb to click on and Kenny to smash it over his Jimmy Neutron head. 

Back to this one-on-one:

Rachel: “If we were to go back to Dallas, right now, what would we do” Jack Stone: “I would lock the door, move everything out of the room.... unroll my painting tarps and knife set.” 

SOMEONE GET SECURITY

Jack: “Lay down and talk” Rachel: “Well that doesn’t sound good to me.” 

No shit Rachel, if you enjoy your skin attached to your body I would get Hannibal Lector Jr. out of the room.  

He gone. No go chug some NyQuil and pray Jack isn’t hiding in your shower. 

Rose Ceremony

Remember the good ole days of the Bachelor/ette where there would be some dates, drunk screaming, but would all end in the rose ceremony. Where have we gone wrong where we are having a rose ceremony 40 minutes into the episode!?

Iggy and Jonathan are sent packing.

WE’RE GOING TO NORWAY

The bros land in Oslo, Norway. If you are not sure where that is... It is 300 miles from anywhere you probably want to be. 

Surprise date for Bryan. 

Rachel literally ditches all the guys at the bar 5 minutes after inviting all of them there, fucking rude. 

The two try and discover their emotional connection by riding to the highest point in Oslo only to repel off the side of it.

Rachel: “Is it crazy to anyone else that it’s 187 feet down... 1-8-7?!” Producer: “What’s 187?” Rachel: “Murder, you fuckin’ cracker”

How about you culture yourselves. 

Bryan and Rachel sit down to another fake dinner so we can listen to Bro-yan spew some more tool trash about the struggles of having acne in 10th grade only to fuck half his senior class two years later.

GROUP DATE

The crew is learning/playing hand ball. Rachel unnecessarily puts them all in unitards. The whole crew was wondering why Dean asked for an extra pair of socks and why the fuck is he wearing a jockstrap over his uni? 

Nothing helps America, in this time of international tensions, more than a bunch of douche bags making a mockery of this country’s national sport. Arm the nukes.

Night falls on this group date and Rachel gets to suffer through a long line of corny lines and smooth talkers before dragging Peter into the hot tub and forcing all the other guys to sit and wait. Regardless of the over the swimsuit handy J, Will ends up with the rose. 

Back at the resort Kenny is getting a pep talk from his daughter as Lee pumps iron in bell bottoms and cowgirl boots. This is setting up to be a battle for the ages.  

TWO-ON-ONE (Kenny/Lee)

Rachel is taking these guys deep into the Norwegian woods... Like mafia deep. Three chairs, a tree and some bourbon? If they don’t wheel a ring out here in the next 5 minutes before the “To Be Continued” I may not come back for tomorrow’s episode. 

Here comes the tail of two stories, which will Rachel believe... but how can you trust a man with the hair of a 14-year-old european soccer player and the clothes of a 14-year-old girl who shops at Limited Too?

Kenny gets pulled aside for the second time after Rach gets an earful from Lee.

Lee: “The inevitable will happen and Rachel is pulling Kenny aside, probably because of what I told her.” - uhhhhhhh ya think?! 

After Rachel fills Ken dog in on what Lee said about him, the girls walks away and leaves the two dudes alone?! The producers must have a big pot of money on this fight. 

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY (Continued) 

How do they supposed to expect us to remember what the fuck is going on after a week off?! Now they throw us right back into this heated feud between Eric and Lee about something being in someone’s mouth... Lee get it out of your damn mouth bro. 

Iggy inserts himself into the argument for the sole purpose on getting himself some much needed camera time. 

I think Lee’s hair gets bigger as he says dumb shit, he is the douchey Pinocchio.

He feels the need to find Rachel and fill her in on the playground argument that has taken place inside. As he interrupts her current convo, Kenny asks to give them 60 seconds. Lee proceeds to move two steps back, count to ten on his fingers, when he quickly realized 60 was above his 4th grade math level, he steps in again. I want Kenny to give him a quick suplex off the upstairs balcony. 

Bryan drops some corny ass lines about being strong when she’s weak, fairy tale, blah blah blah. All the shit he read in his “Tool’s Guide to Dating” book, but Rach ate it the fuck up and it earned him another wide-open mouth, sloppy make out. 

Lee decides to throw down with a bigger black man who, this time, is four seconds from destroying his 5′5″ 145 lb. ass. Rachel breaks down after all this fighting leading to Chris Harrison having to step in. 

We move right along to the rose ceremony where the dramatic pause on the final rose gives Lee another another shot and leads to 25 hard side-eye’s (which includes cast, producers and camera men). 

HILTON HEAD ISLAND, SOUTH CAROLINA

Welcome to this 3-star resort, now scream Rachel’s name off the balcony to the next door nursing home!!!

ONE-ON-ONE (Dean)

Rachel: “Are you surprised I asked you on the one-on-one?” America: “Yes.” 

A Goodyear blimp flies over the muddy field where the couple is drinking Andre, and announces through LED marquee that they will be riding on it. The White Trash Date of the Year goes to.....

As if ABC hasn’t thrown enough shameless advertisements as us, they have decided to just fuck us in the face with this one. 

Dean is literally shitting his pants as they slowly float up in a bitch balloon. 

Pilot: “Move the lever a little to the left” Dean: “HOLY FUCK! RACHEL IS DIVE BOMBING THIS SHIT!”

Just chill out bro, did you really come on the Bachelorette thinking you wouldn’t be in something above ten floors?

We hear the sad story about Dean’s mom and in an attempt to pick up the mood, Rachel “surprises” him with a concert by a some no namer. You know you haven’t made it when you are performing a live concert and your entire crowd has their back to you while they snapchat two strangers make out. 

GROUP DATE

Group heads out on a frat boat and they are “ordered” to take their shirts off, they all hesitantly obey, minus the few pale fatties. They kickoff the day with limbo, Lee’s nerdy ass has to hold the rope... He has been downgraded to an actual prop who isn’t allowed to participate. 

As if an afternoon of rail tequila, limbo, and rap battles weren’t enough we get to endure a “Bachelorette Spelling Bee”, ABC... What did we do to deserve this entertaining episode. You spoil us. 

Why are they dropping these dirty ass words in front of these 12 year old judges?! Squirt? Caress? Earmuff it for us ladies. 

Oh. And they actually have earmuffs...

Pearl, that dirty dog, is probably snaking a listen. 

So there are actually people sitting around, on their vacation, watching this trash unfold?! They better have promised them a comped buffet or SOMETHING. 

DeMario must have passed the dickhead torch as he left the house. Josiah wins a Party City trophy and has NOT taken his eyes off it. Dude, you did 20 push ups and out-spelled 6 dudes with GEDs... Congrats. 

Does Rachel even know Iggy’s name? I feel like every conversation he has had with her has been about the other guys. 

Josiah: “With all due respect... Iggy’s a bitch”  .... Respect. 

Next up Snitchin’ Lee! He has just rev’d up the bus and tied Kenny up out front. Kenny pulls Lee aside to have a “chat”... *Producers grabbing all available security* 

We pick back up with the Demario at the gates... Glad to see that he was able to sneak out of the Bratz doll’s house again to make it back in front of a camera. 

Rachel: “Out of respect, I should allow him to explain himself.” - I think we should all give DeMario 100% of the respect that he deserves. 

He gone. Again.

This back and forth fuckfest between Lucas and Blake needs to end. Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake stands over him at night slowly licking a peeled banana. 

When Rachel confronts Blake about #BananaGate she is quickly shut down.

Blake: “That is IMPOSSIBLE Rach! I don’t eat carbs, you know that!”

Team Blucas got sent packing... and some guy named Jamey? 

Lucas: “This is a shame.” Blake: “This fucking guy lives in my town, I have to see him every day.”

These two are having an actual Step-Brothers fight out on the front lawn. 

“You’re a clown.”  “You’re a workout guy.”  “ehhhg” “Blaaahhhh”

I was waiting for the producer to come out and put them both in timeout corners until the limo came to take them back to “jerk-dumb town”. 

WTF did I just watch?

GROUP DATE #1

Not sure what the proper reaction to “Join me on the set of Ellen” should be, but I can tell you it’s not jumping into the man next to you’s arms... Will. 

Jonathan: “I was surprised when Rachel told Ellen that one of the other guys has kissed her... Maybe it was just a kiss on the cheek.” 

Jonathan, it wasn’t and pretty much every tongue has been in her mouth but yours. But like your tee ball coach always told you, don’t stop swinging! 

Ellen couldn’t get the words “Shirts off” out of her mouth before all these douchers were dry humping 45 year old soccer moms in the crowd for fake dollars. Alex was ramming his Vladimir Putin into half of AARP’s customer base. 

Little Freddy was nervous cause he was one of the only guys that hadn’t kissed Rachel, so he did the normal/socially acceptable thing and awkwardly asked for one. Carlton Banks gets the boot for being the pervy camper that he was trying to avoid. 

ONE-ON-ONE (Anthony)

The rodeo on Rodeo Dr., I can’t think of something less accepted in Beverly Hills than a horse shitting in a Louis Vuitton. 

Anthony has less personality than the weird horse cupcake that he ate out of an ATM machine. 

annnnnnnd that was the date in three sentences. 

GROUP DATE #2

The girls are back in town! Rachel let Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis choose the date... Jersey Shore here we come! 

They actually bring them to a mud wrestling bar. Sooooo pretty fucking close. 

Chunky Girl #1: “Let me see your junk!” Random Blonde: “Show us that butt”

I’m glad Rachel is really able to get a good feel for the guys intelligence and emotional qualities through this group date. I hope that this date makes a return appearance next season on the Bachelor. 

Rachel with the ultimate pot stirring move of telling Eric that Lee and Bryce threw him out as someone not here for her. This led to a very strange therapy session, where three guys who have known each other for two weeks sat around a fire pit and talked through their love for one another.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Eric name be in everyone’s mouth... 

Eric where is your name? 

Oh everyone’s mouth. 

Sorry for the delayed recap. It was MDW so... fuck off.

Chris Harrison: “What do you all like about Rachel?” Guys: “She smelled good” “She’s hot” “I like her hair”

Is Chris talking to contestants or room full of cavemen?

GROUP DATE

It’s husband boot camp with Mila and Ashton… ABC’s next set of fake Bachelor fans.

Ashton: “We grab some V&T’s and pop on the bachelor every Monday…”

Someone needs to bring back Two and Half Men or something get Michael a hobby.

The psychopath known as Whaaaaaboom “wins” the husband race even though he spiked, drowned and concussed his child. Was this a group date or tryouts for the Casey Anthony story?

Lucas: “I’m sorry you don’t have a Whaboom” – I am sorry for me too

Blake dropping “Not here for the right reasons” just 48 hours into the season… Apparently homeboy lives with Lucas’ ex girl?!

Kenny: “I’m a pro-wrestler… I’m used to crazy white boys.” – Oh yeah Kenny, are you?  

Dean gets the rose and also a sloppy, awkward kiss that gave me actual chills.

ONE-ON-ONE (TWO-ON-ONE)

Rachel brings her fellow gap-toother, Peter, on the one-on-one that is teased as a two-on-one so we can see Copper the dog for the 200th time. He is getting more TV time than any contestant whose name contains “iggy”.

They go to Bark Fest and flirt while lying in a piss filled ball pit talking about future plans of moving in with each other.

The day progresses to night Rachel and her sea captain Peter head to dinner where they bond over their freakish dental flaws and commonalities on dating issues. This guy will really have to fuck up to lose this season.

GROUP DATE #2

Weird, every black guy in the house is on this date and it’s a…….. BASKETBALL DATE with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

DeMario is the LeBron James among a group of rec. league 4th graders.

DeMario: “D is for DeMario, Dunking and Defense…” – You forgot dickhead.

White Trash Barbie pops out of this crowd of high schoolers to tell Rachel that DeMario is her bf and that he still has her Nuva ring in his room.

This episode has shifted to a Springer episode real fuckin’ quick.

Rachel: “DeMario, you can GTFO” – Mic drop

The infidelity must have sparked something because the nightcap included some strong make out sessions and Josiah leaving with the petals.

DeMario returns to the cocktail party as Rachel is locked into a stressful thumb war with Iggy (possible front-runner). Chris pulls Rachel aside and asks what she wants to do…

Rachel: “You said security is out there?!” – He go’n need it!

Annnnnnd we’re black back! 

Another season of the Bachelorette has kicked off with America’s first African American bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay... She may have the name as a 20 year old sorority chick on Facebook, but she is looking to bring some swag to ABC primetime.

Rachel: “I am sweet... but also sour.” Gross. They make medicine for that.  

Enough about Rachel, it’s time to make shameless judgements about 31 douche bags. 

Kenny: “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” is going to be full of wrestling puns and hopefully puts half this cast through tables by the time this is all over. He has a 10 year old daughter who could pass as a 10th grader. 

Jack Stone: So we are doing first and last names now, and just not going to address it? Ok.  

Alex: A guy who likes the gym. He’ll stand out I’m sure. 

Mohit: Bollywood dance your drunk ass home... 

Lucas: Did you know that the word Whaboom grew from the word boom? Did you know that much coke can kill you?! 

Blake E.: Apparently this guy fucks and has a nice dick (all according to him). An “aspiring drummer” ... I am not sure how much aspiring you can do in your mid 30′s. He beats cheeks and drums. 

Diggy: Get an adult name before you go on national TV.

Josiah: Seems like he keeps telling his story of street corner to court room in hopes that Hallmark will give him a made for TV special. 

Peter: They have a gap tooth connection. Oxymoron? 

Bryan: Doesn’t everyone love a Bryan with a Y? Answer: No. 

Iggy: Seems pretty lame.

Bryce: Sure 

Will: 

Blake K.: Token Asian. Diversity training for ABC casting office this offseason is showing. 

Brady: Do you have to indicated that you are a Male Model if it is pretty apparent what your gender is out of the gate? 

Eric: 

DeMario: Brought two tickets to Vegas so they could elope and screamed “The Champ is here” ... This cocky mofo is about to get annoying faster than he is to compliment himself.

Fred: Carlton Banks all grown’d up. 

Jonathan: The tickle monster. No fucking way, if there was anyway for a person to get punched in the face and sent home in within a minute of stepping out of the limo... That would be it. 

Blake:

Milton: Big purrr guy?

Adam: Creepy doll. That’s it.  

Matt: Another animal suit. Zzzzzz 

Grant:

Dean: Tells her that once he goes black he’s not going back, bro your name is Dean. You don’t get to go black. 

Anthony: 

Jamey: Who the fuck is spelling these people’s names?!

Lee: Just met his first black person... 

Jedidiah: Drops a bible verse out the gate. Who is watching the Amish church while he is gone?

Michael: “The blacker the brownie the sweeter the dude”. But it’s called a brownie.

*You can fill in the blanks above with nothing cause that’s what they are.*

-----

Adam gets the first kiss of the season, the old dog don’t play. 

Chris Harrison drops the first impression rose on the table like a muthafuckin’ bomb and egos explode. 

DeMario and Josiah trying to out piss each other, while Blake E. is already challenging Lucas’ motives for being there; 

Blake E.: “You have your catch phrase on your shirt” Lucas: “Good point Blake.”

Solid confrontation. 

In everyone’s favorite finale, where two people (who have known each other for less time than it takes me to decide whether I like you enough to eat off my plate) will decide whether they want to spend the rest of their lives next year of their life together. 

The episode starts with another place I cannot pronounce and don’t wish to ever visit (but apparently “Santa” is from there). And Nick and his family are ready to interrogate. 

Nick’s Dad: “We are worried that Nick will embarrass the name of this family on national TV... again We ... I mean he has had trouble recovering from the last two times.”

Nick’s family is nervous that ABC threw as many women as possible in front of him and he still may come out the same rejected nerd he went into it as. 

Bella: “So far I really like you (Raven), I haven’t seen the other girl...” Raven: “You will hate her, she’s a foreigner and kind of a whore.” 

Nick’s family really likes to rehash the past break ups over and over again, like lay the fuck off mom and let your son shit the bed again on his own. 

Nick’s Brother (I Think): “They can still say no, and given his track record....” - DAYYYYYUM. 

Vanessa’s turn to tell the family how much she “loves” their son. She explains that she is from Canada and Italian. Bella looks as confused as Corinne reading a “Do it yourself” book and the rest of the squad can’t help but roll their eyes on repeat. 

Tonight’s drinking game: Bottom’s up every time Vanessa let’s us know how ready she is to get engaged. Chug.

Vanessa: “I really want to find out, if Nick is ready to get engaged...” Nick’s Mom: “I hope you figure it out.” Nick’s Sister: “Ask him.” 

These conversations seem really productive. 

Nick’s Dad: *Cries* Vanessa: *Cries* Nick’s Dad: “Vanessa really convinced me that she is ready and in love with my son.” 

America and the Viall’s are so ready for Nick to get the fuck out of our living rooms, it looks like his siblings are taking bong rips between conversations and his parents took down some lines of Xanax in the bathroom. A family should never have to talk this long about where you will put your dick for the next 5 years. 

Chris H.: “Who thinks Nick will end this alone and depressed....?” Live Studio Audience: “YESSSSS! Woooooooo!”

Nick, we’re all behind you!

Yay, another date for each of the women before he makes his decision... -_-

VANESSA

Vanessa’s date starts in the middle of the woods, looking like a scene from Fargo, right before they find the guy cramming a human leg in a wood chipper. 

Vanessa: “I just want to enjoy where we are... The snow on the ground, the snow on the trees, the snow, ahhh snow.” - How about the rapist Santa hiding behind the tree?

The couple meets Santa and he starts speaking crazy right out the gate, ABC definitely bullshitted those subtitles, cause that was a made up language. Is this why Nick didn’t pick a jew? 

Santa: “What is at the top of your wish list?” Vanessa: “Finding love” Santa: “What about chocolate?”

When the fuck is Chris Hansen coming out... This is getting creepy, and we still haven’t seen an elf. 

Vanessa is stoked that “Santa” sees her and Nick together, you mean the homeless Norwegian that the producers paid to feed you bullshit (and chocolate)?

Could Vanessa be coming off any more desperate? Four weeks in and every convo starts with “Are you ready to marry me? Do you love me? Did your parents like me?” these are usually the chicks you ghost after the third date. 

Vanessa: “It’s scary that I don’t have all my questions answered. All your answers seem super general.” “Are you ready to propose?” Nick: “I can’t tell you that right now” Vanessa: “TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!”

Nick one piece of advice:

This girl is going to get her way one way or the other. Either a ring or Nick’s head on a stake in front of Santa’s cottage. 

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT

“If you want to find a million different scenarios to de-rom, de-rom, un-rom, make it less romantic than you probably can.” aka shut up bitch, you’re being so annoying I forgot how to speak English.

-------

RAVEN

Raven is putting a serious smile on right now, she is like a new employee working at Chick-Fil-A “My pleasure”. Nick is probably just thrilled that he doesn’t have a girl ripping his small intestine out of his asshole with obnoxious questions.

The two go ice skating, not sure why they are alway putting Raven on skates and will someone get them helmets? If a blade flies up and catches Nick in the jugular, would anyone be upset? 

Nick: “My family really likes you. What was your favorite convo?” Raven: “The one with the lady that looks like the poor people’s Ellen.” Nick: “My mom is a special person.”

HUSKY PUPPIES! 

If the level of surprises is any indication of who Nick likes better, Vanessa’s heading back to the boarder. 

Raven: “I have no hesitations and I love you.” Nick: “That’s it? Oh thank god.”

The end of this date was night and day from Vanessa’s, I thought Canadians were supposed to be the friendly ones...?

FINAL DAY

Another surprise guest at Nick’s door, it’s Neil Lane! This guy has made serious commission off Nick. 

Neil: “This is the biggest one I’ve made.” Me: “I’ll take it.”

Vanessa is still crying, if she doesn’t leave this country with a ring... Lord save the crew. You have made these girls sleep in these 42 degree cabins with no electricity or wi-fi, if you were going to send one home, at this point, I’m sure they will be fine with it.  

Hey Nick, how many times have you had your heart broken? America really wants to know.  

Raven is up first... and Nick will not make eye contact, his social awkwardness is telling me Rave will head back to the farm single. 

Nick: “I’m not IN love with you.”

BYE

The classic cut back to the live audience crying, get a fucking life people. 

Alright, let’s get this over with. I am ready for this to end already. 

Nick: “I feel like I have been fighting it, and I’m not ready to fight it anymore.” Ummm these maybe the literal words that you shouldn’t say before proposing, but what do I know...

“Tonight on a three hour Bachelor extravaganza...” ABC, once again proves that there CAN be too much of a good thing.

Raven has her first orgasm and all we get is a strange, post-bang 80′s musical montage. 

Rachel

Nick decided the best start to a date with Rachel would be to cross-country ski... 

Rachel: “I am like super athletic, but fuck this white people shit.”

Did these producers just watch a bunch of Disney original winter movies and plan these dates? “Ok, let’s throw skis, reindeer and Balto and hope this looks right...”

Rachel wastes 30 minutes of our time explaining how she can’t explain things, then finally says that she is in love with Nick... OMG, Rachel, thank you for letting your guard down and opening up after checking your ego. 

Nick: “I am falling for you too.” - Just trying to get that nut. 

Vanessa

Nick and Vanessa start their date with more cold activities, an ice bath... Shrinkage on a fantasy date was not well thought out. 

If chunks of this recap are missing, it is because Vanessa has literally bored me to sleep while writing this. 

The two begin have the classic “Canada or America” conversation. They say, in a relationship, the woman is always right, but this is the exception. 

Nick: “Because I am proud to be an American” - Those words have never sounded more pathetic than in that exact moment. Canada, please take him. 

Vanessa: “Waking up this morning, I have a new appreciating for who Nick is...”

Me too, he just slayed three girls in three nights, and they all know it. 

Rose Ceremony

Hey, Nick’s crying again... DRINK

“Hello Nick”

Nick and Andi don’t look like they rehearsed this 10 times at all....

Andi: “This conversation is going to require whiskey” - Well, she isn’t pregnant.

Nick is experiencing that feeling when you think you have a good thing going until your Bad Bitch ex comes around and you pretend you’re single again.

Nick: “Last time you were at my hotel door you broke up with me, but the time before that... Can I get you another whiskey?”

Andi explains to Nick that if he can picture himself getting on one knee in front of the girl then fuck the shit out of them in the fantasy suite. She is definitely the best person to take advice from seeing as Josh was the result of her season.

ABC has told me the rose ceremony is “coming up” for the past 20 min, send the Canadian home and get Corinne into a fantasy suite already.

Nick: “Sorry for making you ladies wait in the freezing cold, I was upstairs drinking with my ex.”

The motherfucker picks the Canuck and we find out Corinne is a real ugly cryer... Whatever girl, now more time for naps and cheesy pasta! Nick has kept this girl around this long on the hopes of six minutes of reverse cowgirl and he dumps her right before it is an actual guarantee? Love is crazy y’all.

Corinne: “My heart feels like... like... like... it will never be repaired” - Here’s champagne and a pillow, you’re good.

**Finland**

Nick picks what looks to be the most miserable place on earth for “fantasy” suites. You can literally pick any place and he chose the frozen desert above the arctic circle. How you about to stick it in when your dick is physically hiding inside your body?

Raven’s Date

Raven’s day starts in a dive bar playing darts with local homeless men.

Raven: “I feel like this could be an everyday for us.” - Enjoy.

Raven is nervous for the night ahead because she has apparently only had sex with one guy and he never made her blow her load. Nick, you may not want to give it to Raven too good, HE never made her O and almost took a stiletto to the jugular...

Night sets, and Nick is dressed like a guy who is trying everything not to get laid.

Nick: “You were really good at darts, until you choked and embarrassed me.” Raven: “While we are on the subject, I love you and I’ve never had an orgasm”

Solid transition.

We are down to crunch time people! 

Corinne: “I’m scared, I’m nervous.” Rachel: “It feels like Kristina was just over there packing her things.”

Ok, you guys aren’t being picked off by Michael Myers, you are competing to marry the most rejected man in America. 

As we head to commercial and the much awaited hometowns are coming up we see swamps, Canadians, racial tension and Corinne’s fat, rich dad. I’m trying to figure out if this is just a summary of the entire Trump campaign or actually the Bachelor. 

Raven

Open Raven’s hometown and we have already seen her plow through mud on an ATV and almost get arrested. She may have a bigger dick than Nick... 

The classic “cop brother pretending to arrest you for trying to fuck his sister on a grain bin” prank, how did he not see that coming. 

When Raven gets home she find out that her dad is now cancer free, leading to very emotional moments with her parents. Nick really doesn’t have a choice at this point. Her brother is a southern cop, her dad tells him that he doesn’t want to like him and we repeat she is from the south. If he doesn’t get down on one knee in front of Raven, ABC will be hosting Nick’s funeral special. 

Rachel

I have seen this movie before...

Rachel brings Nick to ... Church. This is off to an exciting start and Nick looks super comfortable and thrilled to be there! 

Nick: “I’m not color blind, I know you’re black” *nervous laugh* 

Rachel reveals that her father/sir/your highness will not be at dinner and Nick is super “bummed” aka unclenches his asshole for the first time since landing in Dallas. 

They walk into Rachel’s house and there is already a token white guy in the house, and he looks ready to interview Nick for the next white position in the family. 

Brother-In-Law: “You’re a white” Sister: “Do you know what this food is whitey” Mother: “Elephant in the room. White.”

I love this show is about love!

Corinne

The hometown that we have all been waiting for. Bienvenidos a Miami! 

Corrine: “I wanted to take you to a place that means a lot to me and where I feel most at home.... THE MALL!”

Corinne found a sales person and made him her person, stocked a holy room aka fitting room and bought Nick a $3,000 outfit. If “this is what life is like with Corinne” sign me the FUCK up!

As we meet C’s fam and each person gets better and wears more leopard print than the next and RAQUEL!!!!!!!

Corinne’s Mom: “Raquel has been with us for 17 years, she is part of our family... RIGHT RAQUEL?!” 

I don’t know how I feel about Corinne and her dad curling up in her bed with glasses of wine to chat about her boy situation. Jimbo could give two shits about whether there is love there or not, he wants to know what the financial relationship is going to look like. 

Jim: “I asked Corinne if she was ok with being the breadwinner, and she said yes.” Nick: “I’m so happy she said that.”

Nick gets the one-on-one with Raquel, but not Cory’s mom... Is this not bizarre to anyone else?!

This guy can’t leave the 305 fast enough. 

Vanessa

I am already bored with this hometown and it hasn’t even started. 

Welcome to Canada (Do they get the Bachelor there?)

Vanessa takes her class of special needs students and puts them right to work forcing them to make her a scrap book of all her dates. 

Sunday lunch is served and apparently V has invited the entire extended family and I am not sure if I can handle this Italian, French, Canadian energy, what accents are these. Is her bother hispanic? WTF is going on? 

Vanessa’s Sister: “I will hate you if you break her heart, I really will, like unfriend you on everything hate.”

Why is Vanessa’s family all so scared for her? They are acting like they are about to ship her off to a life sentence at Guantanamo.

Now they leave Mom’s house to go to Dad’s house “TWO CHRISTMASES!”

Vanessa: “This is the most sure I have felt in a relationship.” You are in a relationship with a guy who is currently dating 3 other girls... How have you other relationships gone? 

V is seriously blown away by the fact that Nick had asked all the father’s for the blessing to marry their daughter. I guess they don’t air this up north, cause this is day one shit. 

New York/Rose Ceremony

Serious overload of emo balcony shots before the rose ceremony, really ramping up the intensity for this secret guest.