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"you don't matter"

"you're nothing special"

"what's the point of you"

it's harder and harder to get out

it's dizzying

I can't remember where the opening was

if I stumble the wrong way

I'll fall into a dark room,

oh, you make me crave

all these things I've never had,

but, god, I want them with you.

give me evergreens with thick, heavy canopies

and clouds choking out the blue above.

I want to be sticky with sap, not sweat,

while I'm knee deep in snow, ice on my nose.

I'm tired of thick heat and sunburn,

I crave the chill on my skin,

the sharp caress from Jack Frost on my cheek,

wind whipped and wild from cold,

layers thick between gentle skin and the world.

you see,

ocean between us,

distance, measurable,

distance, unfathomable.

you're out of reach,

so far out of reach,

but my hands stretch out

nonetheless,

offering my heart,

asking, pleading,

the pieces of me

that nobody knows.

they are mine

and mine alone.

you cant say

I'm wrong

about something

you dont know.

you cant mock me.

cant shame me.

cant shun me

or hurt me.

if I hold them close.

if I hold them close enough.

they will be

enough.

for when everyone

leaves.

and I am alone.

those pieces

will be here,

still mine,

until i remember that i never really knew you.

sometimes i wonder if you still think of me,

like i do you.

you see, those little bits you gave,

were something that i held tight to.

but in the end

we were still strangers,

weren't we?

just passing through.

maybe i was never here

and maybe neither were you.

im half alive now,

i was half alive then,

and im haunting myself

with what could have been.

there's this ache in my soul,

it's hollow, round, and true-

ive been aching for so long,

yet it always feels so new.

now there's a hole in my chest,

always dripping with want,

and what it thinks it knows best.

but that wanting is greedy.

that aching is old.

it's what makes me needy,

calling out to those i know-

as i search for a comfort in others

that i should be finding on my own.

and i know i can believe it"

why do you cry?

tears pooling in

a pond beneath you,

with fronds reaching

to trail in that ache.

waterside, you cry.

like that of the nights I spend

filled with your laughter