We rant here !

This is a very huge epiphany that i had recently. Its about my own life, which is retrospect feels like multiple lives. I have been a baby, a girl, a teenager, my twenties i think i lived 4 different lives. That is lovergirl, depressed hottie, wifey, rebel. I for one preffer the deprresed hottie for myself now. You know the thing about life is that you start learning patterns. First pattern i noted was obviously the mysogyny in my own household and I kindof went on a war against it which cost me a lot .I think I owe my teenage and late-twenties version of myself a lot. The magnitude of personality development that i got over the span of one year is really amazing. It was painfull as fuck but it was really something else. As if life offered me a crash course on how harsh this world can be. Evelyn hugo was right. world will only ever take form you. It does not care enough to give and the goodie-two-shoes of this world is just probably filthy rich, either n money or in terms of a loving family. i think having a loving family is the best thing in the world the second best thing is money.

In the great horrorr story which is my love life, i have noticed patterns too. I fall for the selfish men. I will not romanticize that. I understand that i am just in awe of these humans who can put themselves first. I love attention, my love language is touch and humor and attention to detail. I got to know about all that right this year . I am learning a lot about myself. I never got a chance to be with myself you know which is why i think my autonomy is very important for me. I mean you would agree with me too if you have lived in my shoes. Sharing your life with a bunch of 60 year olds who honeslty have zero clue about the outside world, and have never lived at all is something that i can never express verbally. I hope that they never get my pain which means that they have never suffered like me. But living in a bitter place is sucking the life force out of my soul, so i think , no I know i have to literally live for a better tomorrow. I have been through too much to not win you know. but what is winning anyway?

I got out of a toxic marriage. I get glimspes of myself in a dirty dingy room. with a stupid mother in law living a life in complete black and white. That is not for me. I do get scary thoughts and I try to not let them consume me. But somedays its just hard. The type of love I am looking for is an all consuming positive halo which just makes me feel like i belong. You know, I used to hate St Joseph earlier when i was a kid. But now I have immense respect for him. He stayed with mother Mary for her sake. you know what i mean. My ex-husband left me in front of everyone I knew. Her's didnt. and he believed a dream that told him she was innocent. He believed in a dream! Imagine stuff like that happening now! carzy right. He is actually a role model for all men. But men really dont get that , the church dont get it. The world is always obsessed with blaming the other person and not helping the other person and it is very hard to survive in a world like that. My ideal life would be with a guy like that. Who actually cares about me and my dignity.

Speaking of survival, how can a deeply romantic person ever live without experiencing real love? real, raw, gut-wrenching love that honestly gives you kindof a rebirth. How?

I yearn for love. Not lust, not attention. It took me a while to understand the difference between love, attention and lust. 3 men , 3 lessons. Mabe it is still very brave of me to believe that there may be a good man out there for me ? but like one of my ex-es said if you want the unattainable guy you have to push yourself to their level. may be thats right . I can only walk towards the light right? why should i burn out my own light ?

so i had a dream of settling in a another country.. with the love of my life but unfortunately that whole story ran itself down to shambles. The echoes of which still haunts me after a year and a grave mistake i made which included me having relief ith a man who actually knew how well to celebrate my body honestly that is the first sleeping session that i dont regret one bit . apart from the fact that he later thretened me saying that he would do something with my pics and that threat in itself dissolved the last of the ounce of trust and belief i had in men. I believe that i would never ever let myself go to a guy who has no sense of self, kindness, justice and has a broken moral compass. so from all these stupid adventures that i had i came to the conclusion that honestly my man could possibly be dead and decaying. I probably will never find him and might have to take comfort in romantic comedies and swoon- worthy TV dramas to satisfy my need to watch romance or understand the feeling or just remeber that feeling. I crave to be held my a man . Honelstly I do. It all started beacuse of my ex husband . 2 adays ago i was so sad that i just lay in bed and just rested because of how drained I felt how am i ever gonna find a guy to be there with me ? In india? Probably not. I dont even for the life of me want to go in bumble and then fumble myslef. Men have dissapointed me one too many times and honestly I am not even surprised at this .

I think men have a book from which they learn these things, Its like I have been stuck in a dystopia in which powerfull evil man just sit there in their thrones which is build on abusing poor people , women and children. And honestly those people who have no conscience is the exact reason why i am forced to go out of my own country because of difficulty in getting the lifetysle i want and the over work culture here .. man honeslt to God what exactly does these politicians have to rule me? I know that they havent even the slightest clue about anything going on here . Or even about our history . I hate the fact that men are celebrated in this country and women are not . i hate a lot of things but mostly i just hate men. i personally think men who rape or even think of raping shoud just drop dead like in deathnote . Shinigami should just kill 'em. how would our world be with a power like that ? probably a little better or maybe even worse . The concept of justice and right is subjective ? but the part where it ruins a persons life should be unforgivable offence worth death penalty and my country when it comes it the men is just a bloody bitch. Honestly , i dont even care about anything happening here and i should just focus on getting out

I was attracted to a criminal mind. I probably should not trust myself when it comes to guys and keep my boundaries also I should sit with myself and tell myself what kid of guys are red flags.. Infact I should do a deep dive about red flags. Why should i not.. I have dated a few ..3 to be precise and my dad is one too. lets not avoid the elephant in the room . May be God wanted me to see Appa . I forgot his voice he used to call me anjumma in the most sweet way . But me dresses out of the blue. Ask me if i was okey . Help me out . Gave me chocolate when i was sick the other 2 just stared . I thought he was weird . I had given him a hug because i knew he wouldn't make it . He told my dad he selected me because i knew how to present myself

I will tell myself that he is my standard . And if I guy or myself cant treat me with the kindness that he showed they can go fuck themselves .

I am really really sad and i need to get out and i need help i need to learn how to drive and i need to get this year sorted out I know im having a hard time but .. I need to go through this pain alone so that i can come out on the other end as a better person

He said if you want something find a person who does that and connect with people who do whatever that you want to do and learn from them . So that's what I'm gonna do

Through enough shit in my little 30 year old life to understand that this is just all fucked up . No one really loves you or gets you other than you yourself you know. People will always misunderstand you . Even your parents will . So will your "lover "

I can always depend on a man to disappoint me . They never disappoint in that aspect .

Yes , frogs . When I was a little girl, I was fascinated by Disney movies just like any other typical girl . Princess and the frog was one such movie that caught my attention . Hardworking Tiana , rich friend Charlotte la bouff , Prince naveen. The reason why this movie popped up into the mind of the 30 year old me is simply because of the kissing frogs concept . " You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." And boy, I have quite the experience kissing frogs !!

After my recent divorce, my entire view on relationships changed. I have a boyfriend now . But I am distant from that person . I think when you are romantically involved with a person, you have a tendency to protect them but that protection can come with a cost estrangement. So recently I've had quite a very pretty problem . 2 men are in love with me and one of them proposed to me . And I shut them down very kindly . Doing that took a toll on my psyche . Reminded me of all the frog kissing and the breakups. At that moment in time, I questioned the point of this "frog -kissing" process . I am 99 % certain that I will break up with this new boyfriend of mine if he ever tries or even dares to hurt me . Like every women should . But imagine going through this difficult and irksome frog kissing part AGAIN .

Life can kick you at the balls sometimes . Most of the time, it's the only thing that life is good at doing . In my case , all my romantic endeavors have failed miserably to a point where I only expect men to disappoint me. Which is really sad, but let's be honest, Prince naveen never really had any real personality when compared to Tiana. Which is the ghastly reality of life as well . Men do have some superiority in this Godforsaken country . Women have been silently mistreated by society as a whole, which is the norm , sadly .

And the friend that I have here suddenly developed feelings for me . Poor guy ,he actually thinks I can really commit to another man . When the one man who was supposed to protect me ripped my soul to shreds . And I let him . This version of me will not let that happen . AGAIN .

Believing in love is something that I want to do, and I see myself doing but not before I secure my life and anchor myself. I do feel sad and bad for rejecting the guy who proposed . It must have taken a lot of courage . Even I couldn't tell my crush about my feelings towards him . I understood everything he said . And I was able to separate myself from his narrative of me . Being in a relationship with me right now is like riding a hurricane . I will destroy myself and the other person . Which is exactly why I refused . Not to forget ,pretty privilege does not save you from kissing frogs infact it makes you more susceptible to kiss frogs. Why put myself through all this when, in the end, no one really knows what they want . And people evolve . I can't even think of being with a person who won't choose me every day despite my troubles , looks, and success . In reality, Prince naveen is very difficult to come across. A guy who would change for me and think of a family is probably a joke to me at this point . I think this is what happens when life plays you so dirty that you just start to question everything .

Tiana had her priorities straight. That is one heck of a lifetime achievement award if you ask me . Even after she secured the prince, she opened her own restaurant. Once a hustler, always a hustler . And me ?once a skeptic , always a skeptic . My boyfriend has successfully kept a barrier against me . The existence of which scared me yesterday . But today , I'm thinking that maybe this is a good thing . When I go back home . He might miss me..he might not miss me . When I go to UK. He might love me . He might not love me . Distance is a funny thing . It is like being lost on a forest of terrible hallucinations. That might happen to us . And we might sabotage what we have which is highly likely . And I find his lack of empathy scary . Any man who is not empathetic does not deserve the perks of a relationship. Right?

What I'm trying to say is , when you are reasonably put together , you get a set of "pretty troubles." And this is one of them . Frog kissing - a glorified torment .

"Those are just husbands, I am Evelyn Hugo ."

This is the one line that demanded my full attention . And this one line that I heard in some trailer stuck to me . After Harry Potter , I had made it a point to not see movies that has been based on books. You missed a lot of things . You missed the emotions , the depth of the character , the little actions and what they mean to the plot , and the plot twists . God, I love reading fiction!

This was the first book I picked up after my horrible marriage and even more grueling divorce . This year took its toll on me . All my life , I was just going with the flow . But now I realize how important it is to be intentional with it . I don't exactly know why I picked up this book. I knew I hated egoistic men , mostly every man around me , I knew I hated how unfair patriarchy was and how hard my life is due to patriarchy . It's not the same with women and men .

I hated that . And the first page that I read had 2 lines , "For Lilah , Smash the patriarchy , sweetheart " . You know that grabbed me by my flesh and I flipped through the pages and started reading it. It was the first time I've been reading something and I felt the pure joy and excitement and nervousness all at the same time . I loved reading this book . Can't you tell ?

The things that this book imprinted on my soul healed me from the heaviness that I put on myself during this period of divorce . It was hard. It was sad . Then I wanted to make myself better . After all I had fought for my freedom. I had embarrassed myself and I just deserved redemption more than anyone I know . And so I started to try to atleast get myself a better mindset . I tried to make it a kind one , princess core , lover girl softie core . But no . That's something that is too vulnerable in this world I discovered j had 3 parts to me . An innocent person , childlike , craving safety , a more mature creative intellectual person , wanting success and admiration , and the baddie , she will hurt you and cut any and every cords with you if you ever mess with the other two . The baddie doesn't come out often only I'm traumatic situation and then the other 2 just shuts down . She takes over . And she gets shit done .

After reading this novel , I realized that not only should I depend on the baddie side more I should celebrate her . I thought she was "survival mode " . I don't know why I felt bad hor having her . I admired her audacity but she will be hated my everyone to be honest but she actually never cares . She says things but her eyes says a different story . If she says thank you and gives you a dead look it means..

" you did help me . But leave now " . She said things with directness that her parents criticized her for. She was not the crowd favorite but she got things done . This novel helped me to embrace her and to trust in her and to love her . She is the reason I am here . And she is the reason why I will survive anything life throws at me . I call her Rosie. Rosie is so much similar to Evelyn Hugo. She is a go getter . Does what she has to do . And gets what she wants and when she wants it . Being pretty has never helped only gave more troubles. In a patriarchal society that benefits men and makes him think every pretty thing is entitled to him . I repent men . I refuse to believe it . Even Evelyn Hugo lost faith in humanity. And she loved about 60 years before me . She would absolutely hate everything now and to be honest I do not blame her .

I felt a little sad when I learned Evelyn hugo is a fictional character. But I think the stories and the lore that made this fictional character were so relatable and realistic that I will not be surprised if later this was all based on true story .but she got me a little closer to myself.

Men are men . Society is society. It's a world full of takers preying on givers . So I should live by Evelyn's word " You will wrangle the very best out of this world " . So should you .

Evelyn hugo , Maryln Monroe .. coincidence? I think not .