MOTION SICKNESS.

🔮

You’re back. Freyja had heard those words from many people since making her rounds, but no one else’s cut through everything and made her physically sick the way he did. “Mackenzie…” The knee-jerk reaction is to point out just how ridiculous the idea sounds. Sure, they always talked about leaving town, but she’d never actually do it without Casey and Mac. Right? No matter how big she spoke, Freyja had accepted she was one of the many born in Cherry and would die in Cherry. Freyja’s entire life was in this shitty little town. Her entire life was standing right in front of her. He had just celebrated his birthday. They had just held each other in the bunker Candy had forced them into. Things were okay again. How did it all go so south in what felt like days? The look on his face, the tone of his voice- all of it made her skin crawl. It was jarring from the dinner with Leo to celebrate his birthday. Something Freyja could have sworn was mere weeks ago. Leo Walsh is yet another thought that breaks Freyja’s heart. He was family to her, the same way Mac was. Did he think she left too? Abandoned Mac and all the promises they had made. Would he ever forgive her?

“I don’t know what to say.” Quite literally. I went to bed one day and woke up months later with no memory, but everyone telling me I skipped town? It sounded like a shitty lie cooked up because she couldn’t face him. Mac deserved an explanation. One that she couldn’t give him no matter how much she wanted to. “I’m sorry.” Even with zero clue of what was going on, she knew that was true. She couldn’t imagine a world where she ever wasn’t sorry for being part of the reason Mac looked so worn down. So tired. Those bags under his eyes weren’t there the last time she saw him. “Forever. I’m…” She didn’t want to say back. That wasn’t right because she swore she never left. “Here.” Though they were all words that probably meant nothing now.

🎸

He wanted to believe there was a good reason for her leaving town without saying a word. Some Candy Girl scheme or worse. Some centrifugal force that swept her up and away, something bigger than the two of them. He wants to know, he wants to ask- and at the same time he doesn’t. Because what if there was no good reason? What then? He wasn’t sure if he could live with that, the thought that both Freyja and Kitty hadn’t considered him worthy enough for a goodbye. It was already something that kept him up at night, the idea of the two of them leaving at the same time- the possibility that they’d for some reason discussed the plan with one another. The image of them devising a plan that didn’t include him and disappearing in the middle of the night- far, far away from Cherry and from him.

“There’s really nothing to say, is there? I mean- you left. You left without even saying goodbye. I have to assume there’s some kind of good excuse and if there’s not then I need you to think of one because I- I can’t take it if there isn’t one, Frey. Not after all the shit we’ve been through together.” 

Mackenzie always assumed people would leave, it had always come naturally to him. It had been the default in his life since he was three days old, and at some point it became easier to expect it than to trust people at face value. Freyja, somehow, had slipped right through the cracks in his heart, making a home there right next to Leo. With her he had trust, he had blind faith, a feeling that she would never just walk away. It made her actually walking away that much harder, it made his walls that much taller, a confirmation that his fears were all based in reality. 

He’d thought a lot about what he’d say to her if and when she came back, how he’d cite the broken promises and push her away just as she’d pushed him. He just hadn’t expected that day to come so fast, so much faster than he’d been able to prepare for. So if her leaving hurt, somehow her return hurt worse, knocking whatever he’d prepared on all those sleepless nights right out of his head. 

“So you’re back, huh?” 

This totally isn’t fair, considering that Jinxie is family. 

But I guess if I had to choose between a real-human boy and a ceramic gnome, I’d be an asshole to pick the gnome. Right? 

Is this a joke? Fuck college.

Knocking down the Cherryplex is one of the only good things this town has ever done. Almost everything bad that’s happened to me this year happened there. The lake house kind of sucked, too- but at least nobody died. So the lake house, definitely. 

Raw fish? Yuck. Pizza all the way. 

I’ve actually sort of started to dread sunsets, with the whole town square thing and all. How sad is that? 

Fireworks. They feel a lot like falling in love. 

It’s pretty obvious that I’m the only thing that stands between Laura and her perfect life. She’s never chosen me over anyone, not once. So why would I ever choose her? Leo. 

Even if I did want Kitty back, I’m not selfish enough to drag anyone back to this hellhole of a town. 

Just incase its not clear- Harvey. Don’t ask me to explain it, because I still don’t know why. All I know is I haven’t stopped thinking about him since the first time we kissed. 

『 … ♘ … 』

It was so simple - so casual - that Harvey couldn’t help the way his eyes narrowed in Mac’s direction; the little smile that tugged at the corner of his lips. Had they reached a place that could be considered so lighthearted? Could Harvey simply wish for Mac to reach out and straighten his collar or tug him closer without having to analyze what it meant until his chest ached, and his head felt like it was pounding in his skull? “More like avoiding the crowd for as long as I can. Have you seen that potluck? Pretty sure the whole town is here.” 

Harvey took a minute to rake his eyes over the case that Mac had been focused on before he had arrived, shoulder to shoulder with the boy; touching but only by technicalities. Pictures of Fighting Cherries past - Hargroves plastered over every inch - and every part of it only making the contrast between the scenery of ‘The Homecoming Game!’ and Mackenzie Walsh ever-clearer. “Speaking of the whole town…” Harvey peeked over; he felt like laughing at himself, but the anxious chuckle stuck in his throat.

“I don’t know,” Brown eyes focused on the ceiling above them; wandering hands found their way to purchase in the empty hallway, even if it was just Harvey’s pinkie lassoing it’s way around Mac’s fingers. Pulling him in by mere centimeters that felt more like fucking milestones. “Guess I didn’t expect to see you here tonight, Mac Walsh. Football games aren’t really your scene, right?” 

You weren’t here to see me, right? 

🎸

It was weird for him, getting to know this side of Harvey. He’d spent so long with this idea of him in his head- the guy who thrived on being the center of attention and the life of the party. Mac was starting to understand that the person underneath all of that, the person who he’d grown accustomed to spending so many sleepless nights with, the person he was falling for whether he was willing to admit it or not, was a better representation of who Harvey really was. At least he thought so, he’d been wrong before, right? 

“Oh, c’mon, I’m a total football guy! Look, my name is right there,” he teases, pointing to the picture of his grandfather the 1939 MVP who hadn’t missed a game since. His next lame joke vanishes as quickly as it’d popped into his head, replaced with a flood of butterflies to his chest as he feels Harvey’s pinky wrap around his fingers. There’s a second of hesitation before his thumb moves to the palm of the taller boy’s hand, tracing shapes as he speaks. 

“Not my scene, no,” he admits with a shake of his head and a low chuckle, “But Leo would totally have my head if I didn’t come show support for Libby’s first game and my grandfather pretty much lives for this shit so...” So seeing you is pretty much the only highlight of the day!

Mackenzie had never exactly been excited for a football game, had never been the picture of school spirit. That was more Leo’s thing, weirdly enough. Mac thought it must be about the memories of watching the Rams with Mackenzie Sr. back in the day. Not that Leo would ever own up to that. His uncle had avoided the topic of Mac’s grandfather for as long as he could remember and Mac had never prodded- after all, he knew all about rocky relationships with parents. All of this is on his mind as he eyes up the trophy case in the hall, fingers reaching out to run over a picture of Mackenzie Sr. himself, all padded up years and years ago. There’s a flash of his little brother, a picture he’d seen on the walls of Laura’s house, looking just the same. He wondered if that was any sort of comfort to his grandfather, that at least one of them had lived up to his all-American family dreams. Leo and Mac sure hadn’t, it was evident in the disappointment that rolled off of him every holiday. 

He sees Harvey’s reflection in the case before he actually hears his footsteps, and he can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips. All dressed up in his varsity jacket, who knew Mac would be into that? “Hey... gearing up for the big game?” 

✍️

“Yeah you might be right about that. I guess I always thought, cold was cold. Either way, both are getting a hell of a lot more snow than we get here.” Noah offered. A sad thought really when the question came to mind if he’d ever really be able to see the snow. Would he survive the murderous little town in which he was currently inhabiting to get that far? That was the first thing he wasn’t sure of. The second, was when Mac suggested Casey would love anything his brother did currently. “I mean don’t get me wrong the traveling bit would be cool, but Case would have to be speaking to me before I considered intruding on something that’s more his thing you know? Not sure how much he’d love it right now.”

🎸

There might have been a time in their lives where they would have dreamed of escaping somewhere together, roommates in a shitty little apartment far, far away from the kids that hurled insults at them in the halls. Mac had grown out of that at some point, had found the version of himself that fit in just enough to fly under their radars. And then he’d been popular, whatever the hell that meant, thanks to Lux. He’d never thought about how he left Noah behind in all that- wasn’t sure why he was thinking about it now all these years later. “I’m sure he will,” it feels hollow, but what else was there to say? “He’s your brother. He wants you around. I mean- I’d kill to have a brother like either of you.” 

‘Fuck the fucking time warp.’ It was the statement that had led the two of them here, to the middle of the woods, drunk off their asses and taunting the goddamn thing. Since they’d returned home from the lake Mac’s nightmares had started back up, along with his nightly trips to the square. The few hours he’d slept in Harvey’s bed had been the last consecutive hours of sleep he’d had, and it was written all over his features. So as much as he felt sorry that Rory was going through the same thing, he was relieved when he opened his eyes in the square to her hand on his shoulder. It was obvious that the two of them were never going to fall back asleep, so they’d made a pit stop to stuff their pockets full of mini alcohol bottles that Mac had stashed at his place before haunting the streets of Cherry. 

Mackenzie wasn’t sure who’s idea it had been to go to the edge of town, to yell at the invisible thing that was eating away at their sanity. His voice is hoarse from all the yelling at the burn of the liquor and he ignores the sting as he pours another bottle down his throat. “Here’s to the worst fucking year of our lives!” 

✍️

Noah had to admit, he kind of appreciated it. The small talk without much weight to it. It somehow felt like Mac was giving him the chance to breath. A conversation that didn’t feel like he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders? It felt almost foreign as Noah uncurled just a little to listen to Mac’s response. “I think I could handle the cold..” He started, although he had absolutely no evidence to back that up. Outside perhaps the ice cold chill he was experiencing from the majority of their friends. “Is New York any better in regards to the cold than New Hampshire?” He asked, almost teasing. “That’s really cool though. I’ve always wanted to travel. Even just. a little. I’ve literally only ever been as far as Grape. I feel like we’ve got this big old state and I’ve always been doomed to just a small part of it.” 

🎸

“Isn’t New Hampshire like, more north or whatever? I don’t know- I suck at Geometry or is it Geology? I pretty much suck at all the G ones, let’s leave it at that.” At this point, anywhere sounded better than Cherry. He’d go to the freakin’ North Pole and work as one of Santa’s elves if it meant he could get rid of Candy and all the heartache that had come into town with her. “That’s why I wanna tour one day, you know? You get to see a little of everywhere. Maybe you could come with us- we’ll put you on tambourine or triangle or something. I’m sure Casey would love it.” 

✘ ❥✘

Libby could have kicked herself for dog-earring through Mac’s journal - maybe she should now that the consequences of her actions looked so much like hurting him. Again. It was bad enough that she knew exactly the page that Mackenzie was referring to when he read over the same words she had been reading over the last few days… Probably even worse that she had all but memorized the passage over the last few days.

But reading Mac’s journals - his deepest, personal thoughts - had never really struck Libby as a form of entertainment. The first time she had opened one of the old notebooks was out of pure curiosity. Did people actually use these things? Did Mac actually spend time writing his thoughts out instead of just pretending they didn’t exist? It took little more than his precious, 10-year-old thoughts, though -  reflecting on Libby, and loneliness, and a thousand things she had never been able to put into words - to sway her into thumbing through every diary that she could find beneath Leo’s roof. She knew it was a total freak move: she knew. Mac’s thoughts made her feel less alone, though, and that was enough… At least it had been before now.  “They’re not a joke to me, Mackenzie, they’re -” If it was months ago - February, maybe - Libby  might have said, ‘they’re everything to me.’  She might have told him that every word he had scripted over her, every thought and feeling, moved her so deeply to her core that she thought she felt like she mattered for once. But the look on his face, and the weight of leaving him that night crushed her like a bug on the sidewalk. She wished some giant foot might fall down from the sky and actually crush her - which god did she have to beg to make it happen?

She opened her mouth to speak, but how could she phrase her explanation without opening old wounds? Without defaulting to that Classic facade she had always used to try and win people to her side? She closed it again when Mac slashed a returning dagger across her chest: ‘who else has seen it?’ 

“Nobody else has seen them. It’s not like I’m passing it around at book club, I was just -” Libby’s words were watery, and she wondered where the bite was that had sharpened so many interactions over the last few months of summer. She wished she could find it now that her eyes were stinging; now that she felt so hollow. 

Did he really think that lowly of her? Did she really deserve anything more? 

“I was lonely, Mac, and I found them beneath my -” Stupid, stupid Libby - “Your mattress one night when I couldn’t sleep, and…” And it felt like it used to. Back when we still talked. 

“Are you going to tell Leo?”

 Fuck. 

Libby hadn’t even meant to sputter the thought, but it rang out between them faster than she could think. What would it mean if he did? Would both of the Walsh’s hate her forever? Could she handle that without completely breaking?

🎸

Mackenzie had empathy for Libby. He really, really did. Even if it was hard to see, past the child-like jealousy that was always rearing it’s ugly head when the subject of her living arrangements came up. He knew what it was like when the people who were supposed to love you the most in the world tossed you to the side like garbage- but at least he’d always had Leo to catch him. He didn’t exactly know the specifics of what went on in the Logan household, but he was sure it was nothing good, considering all three of the Logan kids had left and never looked back. And deep down he was happy for her, that she had someone there to catch her for once. 

But why did it have to be his uncle? Why was she always in his space when looking at her still hurt so fucking much? And why did she have to look at him the way that she was? 

It wouldn’t make a difference if he told, it wouldn’t change the way Leo looked at her. He’d always been so forgiving, he’d always seen the best in people- you had to, when you had a sister like Laura Walsh. Besides, bringing them up meant he had to admit they existed, and that meant he’d have to talk about what he’d written.