Devil's Playground

[MSG:] What part of “he tried to put his dick in my ear” do you not understand?!

[MSG:] Okay, so next time, maybe use a tighter knot?

[MSG:] HOW DO YOU LOSE A CONDOM MID-INTERCOURSE?!

[MSG:] As he was cumming he yelled “Yahtzee” then said I was free to go. That was my one night stand.

[MSG:] “Sorry” doesn’t fix the chafing around my asshole!

[MSG:] Relax, just get some good concealer and no one will even notice the bite marks.

[MSG:] Okay, so apparently asking a boy “who’s your mommy?” doesn’t have the same affect as “who’s your daddy?”.

[MSG:] He asked “who’s your daddy” and I said I don’t know.

[MSG:] If I pick up a girl, and then she picks up a guy, and we all leave together, did I pick up the guy?

[MSG:] On the upside, that’s one less thing on our sexytimes bucket list!

[MSG:] Come hell or highwater we WILL manage to have sex at work without getting caught one of these days.

[MSG:] Next time you’re taking nude pics for me, maybe glance around the room to make sure your MOM’S NOT THERE.

[MSG:] Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.

[MSG:] SLUTTIEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER.

[MSG:] I can’t believe you fell asleep in the middle.

[MSG:] Dude, I’ve got to get back on her good side. I’ve tried masturbating… it’s not the same.

[MSG:] Long story short, we had to call the fire department to get the handcuffs off.

[MSG:] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!

[MSG:] What’s never happened before? The premature ejaculation or the ten minutes of crying afterwards?

[MSG:] So not only did my roommate NOT leave when he saw I had a girl there, HE STARTED SHOUTING BITS OF ADVICE.

[MSG:] Walked in on my boss nailing his secretary on the copy machine. It’s gonna be a VERY awkward meeting tomorrow…

[MSG:] Mom found our “collection.”

[MSG:] I don’t even know if I LIKE sober sex anymore.

[MSG:] Banging your kid’s teacher never ends well.

[MSG:] Her dad came home when we were “busy” so I ended up jumping out her window and getting dressed while I ran up the block to my car. FML

[MSG:] It’s just one of those days where I’m too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

[MSG:] Turns out I’m not as bendy as I thought… it was fun trying, though!

[MSG:] We rented a porno to get ideas. Long story short… we need a new showerhead.

[MSG:] Never take sex advice from your older brother.

[MSG:] Any recommendations for how to tell your girlfriend about the pics of her sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

[MSG:] HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. JACKING OFF. ON A PUBLIC CITY BUS. I SHIT YOU NOT.

[MSG:] Speaking French in bed SOUNDS hot, but turns out I only know “baguette” and “bonjour.”

[MSG:] So the threeway turned out to be a twoway while the third one sat and watched in a chair.

[MSG:] NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX EVER AGAIN

[MSG:] We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

[MSG:] Long story short, she’s passed out, we’re both naked, I’m gagged and can’t get the knot undone, we’re in the closet at her mom’s house. SEND HELP.

[MSG:] Also, I’ve finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is okay.

[MSG:] I’m sorry I laughed. But, honey, you were trying to give me a striptease and you tripped on your pants!

[MSG:] So today I found out my mom’s dating my ex-boyfriend, and she’s kinkier than I am. Fuck divorce.

[MSG:] Well, I never thought in the future I’d be able to say “hey remember that Easter when I made porn?”

[MSG:] I have to admit, I’ve never heard of more than two people watching porn together…

[MSG:] I don’t think bruises are supposed to turn green.

[MSG:] That girl’s pussy is like White Castle, you crave it once in awhile, but next morning you regret eating it.

[MSG:] Never sneeze while eating a girl out.

[MSG:] I know he was trying his best to be sexy, but Johnny Depp, he is not.

[MSG:] PENISES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OH MY GOD

[MSG:] So it turns out he’s not into bondage.

❂ -- It's incredibly hot outside and my muse is trying to persuade yours to go swimming together.

☁︎ -- A dream (or nightmare) about your muse.

❆ -- It's snowing and my muse slips on ice, accidentally crashing into your muse.

☯ -- My muse meets yours in a tranquil setting.

✆ -- A text message from my muse.

◎ -- It's raining and my muse finds yours outside completely drenched and crying.

☂ -- My muse encounters yours just as it starts to rain.

✑ -- Something my muse has written about your muse. ( Could be a letter, drawing, etc. )

↭ -- My muse is lost and stops to ask your muse for directions.

⌖ -- My muse's reaction to accidentally shooting your muse.

◌ -- Some of my muse's thoughts about your muse.

☉ -- My muse is undressing when your muse accidentally walks into the room.

✬ -- My muse conveys one of their wishes to you.

¤ -- In some turn of events, your muse ends up staying with mine.

❅ -- Our muses are trying to warm up after spending a day outside in the snow.

♪ -- My muse walks in on your muse singing to themselves.

❊❁ -- My muse gives yours some flowers.

❁ -- My muse's reaction to receiving a rose from your muse.

✧ -- A kiss from my muse to yours.

◎ -- My muse's reaction to being kissed by yours.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! You don't want to get even more hurt, do you?"

"Tell me where it hurts."

"Whoa, that's purple... It looks like your shoulder is dislocated."

"Oh my god. Are you okay?"

"You're bleeding... You're bleeding bad..."

"This is gonna hurt..."

"Holy crap! I may not know much about human anatomy, but legs don't bend that way!"

"It's all swollen up..."

"You have a black eye. Where you fighting with someone?"

"Okay... Okay, hospital. Hospital, now."

"I think you have a concussion."

"Calm down! Calm down! Your ankle is sprained, okay?"

"Here, lean on me."

"I'm gonna need more bandaids..."

"What the hell happened to you!?"

"Here, I need to clean you up. This might sting a bit..."

"We need to get the bullet out..."

"Oh my god, you've been shot!"

"Did... did you get beat up!?"

"Just hold on. You're gonna be fine..."

"Look out for that car!"

"Wake up! Oh god, please wake up!"

"You're alive! Oh, thank god!"

"I'm no doctor, but you should have that looked at. It's bleeding a lot..."

"What is that? Are there bandages under your shirt?"

"Why is your arm wrapped up like that? And are those blood stains!?"

"You must have hit the back of your head really hard."