Rogly

Lucki Eck$ and Friends.

Martin.

I just met you ‘about a week ago’ but you’re honestly the first girl I’ve really vibed with since I moved here a year ago. Lately I’ve been feeling like I am pushing too much, or trying too hard but I don’t want to point out a problem that doesn’t exist by bringing it up, or calling attention to something that you aren’t feeling. I’m just having a lot of trouble communicating how I want to lately. Which is really bizarre for me... I haven’t felt this much anxiety since high school when I hated everything about my life and felt like I had no control over my life. When you brought to surface the stuff that people surrounding me had made you feel, and things they said to you, it more or less turned my world upside down. These are the people I spend my free time with, the people who made me love Chicago and showed me how much fun this city is, and introduced me to some of the most influential industry people I have met. I didn’t realize it at first, but it is tearing me in half. My first reaction was anger towards them, because I don’t feel that you deserve that at all. You’ve been nothing but sweet to me, and I’ve felt really comfortable with you these last few days. But then I thought about how they are the people I hangout with so much, and how am I going to pretend like I don’t hate the things I saw them say. Then I’m wondering if I’m a hypocrite; I used to fuck around and treat girls like I didn’t have an emotion in the world. I’ve been the guy you always want even though you shouldn’t. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, which is why I told you I don’t care about what you’ve done in the past. The present is more important than the past and even the future. I stopped living in the moment this week, and that’s when my anxiety hit the roof. I started asking myself too many questions: Do I like her? Does she like me? What will my friends think? Am I trying too hard? Am I being too nice? Did she get up and walk away because I put my arm on her? I wanted all the answers right away, and lost sight of the real reason I want to see you so much; Because you are genuine and easy to get along with. I really do care about you though, genuinely. I wish I could somehow look at you and tell you something that would make you not worry about eating, and your body, and mean people, and how much you hate Chicago. I may not know exactly how you feel, and I may not fully understand all of the things you are going through, but I have been through a lot myself, and alone, and I will do my best to be whatever it is I need to be. The only thing you could ever say to lose me is to say goodbye.

I’m sorry I jumped in too fast.

I’m sorry I can’t fix what happened to you.

I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better about everything you are down on.

I’m sorry I can’t make you like me.

I’m sorry I ever made you uncomfortable.

I’m sorry I even had to defend you.

I’m sorry I stopped being the asshole you always want.

I’m sorry you thought of me as one of them for even a second.

I’m sorry I hurt you in any way.