roberrii

I never thought I would be experiencing this ever, in my life. I know 2020 sucked for most people because of the pandemic, but it’s funny because I was thriving. At least that’s what I thought before I started getting major anxiety about the pandemic ending and being forced to go back to how I lived my life previously. It took a pandemic for me to get a taste of freedom and I didn’t want that taken away again. I realized I wasn’t entirely happy about my life or my relationship for that matter. 

I realized I was never top priority.

It took me 12 years of being in this relationship (2 years of marriage) to realize this. How could I have been so blind?

I didn’t even really discover this on my own either. I made a great friend who truly understands me and who is so similar to me that it’s unreal. I’ve never felt so understood like this, ever. This bond I have with him is so important to me and I am afraid it will go away, but there’s so much to it that is so hard to explain. He felt there was a tiniest cry for help when I talked to him about my relationship with my in-laws. I denied it at first, but all of a sudden, it was like my whole world came crashing down when my parents announced they’d be leaving each other.

It’s crazy how things just play out that way. I knew my parents weren’t for each other, and it was only a matter of time before they made it official. As a kid I wanted them to split up because it was causing so much stress and pain in the household. It was a toxic relationship. I felt like I had to protect my brother while he hid in my closet and I had to be strong for him.

That protective mentality clouded my judgement over the years. Whenever I wanted to end my relationship, I felt like I couldn’t, for the sake of my brother because they were buddies. How stupid is that? I should know from personal experiences that staying together for the sake of someone else just hurts everyone, including the one you wanted to protect all along. That was the reason why I wanted my parents to just end their relationship, so why was I doing the exact same thing?

So, I stayed in my relationship, dating for 10 years. I “rushed” to get married when I found out my grandpa was dying. I wanted to get married before he died but that didn’t end up working out. Two years after, the pandemic caused reality to hit me with full force. I was never happy all along.

Sadly the friend I made is suffering too in his relationship. What’s killing me is he says he’s having trouble seeing me as just a friend, but I don’t want to lose him and the friendship we have together. It’s that special to me, especially being an INFJ and feeling like I never belonged in the world. I felt like I was living in this strange world myself but I feel like he’s part of that world too.

I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Marriage counseling will definitely help so I am looking forward to starting our sessions. I don’t know if I was ever truly happy in my relationship with my husband since I was never his #1 (second to his parents, and for a while, third when it came to friends back in university). I did not feel respected. Our relationship has a parent-child dynamic which affects our intimacy. I also want to know whether this friendship I made is purely platonic or if it’s something else. For a while, I couldn’t get my friend out of my head but I wonder if it’s natural just because I am an INFJ who has found another INFJ that I’ve bonded with.

I wonder if my marriage was doomed from the start. If it can be saved, I wonder if my friend will just disappear.

Can I just pretend? It's too hard to explain

Useless words interchanged so sweet

yet the blood that runs through my veins

I want to drain so history can't repeat

These words I want to hear

They cause my heart to ache

So why does it flutter? Did I mistake?

Today I wanted to test the people around me on the bus. There was a woman who pulled the yellow cord to request the bus to stop but the signal didn’t trigger (weak arms, I don’t know). The man sitting behind her obviously saw this, and before I pulled the cord for the woman with my manly beastly arms, I waited. The woman pulled the cord again and failed again. The stop was coming up and she tried pulling the cord again and this time, the man timed the pull so that it would be concurrent. In the end, the woman did not know someone else helped her.

So there are good people in this world after all!

I had a dream a day ago about my grandpa. He was smiling and laughing as he usually did, before his body/mind deteriorated, while he picked up one of the twins. I remembered being really happy but when I slowly realized this had to be a dream, I woke up. When I saw my apartment ceiling and felt Mira’s fur beside me, I felt really disappointed and sad. I had hoped maybe his death wasn’t a reality. But I am happy to have remembered his voice and how he used to be. Maybe this dream was his spirit letting me know that he is happy again in heaven. I would like to think so.

Never pair my pink petal Limited shirt with my brown, slouchy Express cardigan.

That outfit looked like it was inspired by Korean fashion and an old man’s casual wear at the same time.

とてもわるいですよ！

One of the topics I discussed with my therapist included socializing and what it really means to be an introvert in our society. I gave a little backstory of how incredibly shy I was as a kid. I was so shy to the point where I wouldn’t speak at all to anyone in school, not even when I was called on, or when it was my turn to present to the class -- yes, it hurt my grade quite a bit. And I only decided to start improving as a person in the middle of 5th grade (long story that I won’t get into right now).

My therapist explained that it takes practice to overcome, or subdue, my social anxiety. So today, I decided to give that a shot. On my lunch break, I usually pass by Teavana to see if I could get a free sample outside their store. A woman was drinking the Peppermint white chocolate tea and usually I would’ve waited until she left, but this time I walked up next to her and got myself a sample. I heard a sigh, followed by an “mm this is good,” and I smiled and took a sip. “Wow, this is good. Tastes exactly like a chocolate peppermint,” I said, and she smiled and nodded in agreement.

Then I scampered off because I didn’t know what else to say. ₍₍ (ง ˙ω˙)ว ⁾⁾

But hey, it’s a start, right?

Magical Girl Raising Project

Prior to this line, I suspected the two characters Sister Nana and Weiss Winterprison were a lesbian couple. After that line, I confirmed it to be true XD

I’m a little scared of my temper. I don’t want it to spiral out of control to the extent of becoming like my dad. This is one of my fears as I argue with Ricky and realize that I’ve been yelling at him. 

わたしはすこしきしょのこわいです。おとうさんのおきしょはとてもこわいですから、わたしはぜんぜんきしょがいます。リキとあたしもしゅちょします。すきではありません。

Recently, I’ve been feeling like a different person. It’s like those allergy commercials where the end result shows a fog being lifted and everything just seems so much brighter. It’s such a relief. I’m so glad of whatever it is that’s causing this weight I’ve been carrying for the past year to be lifted off my shoulders. 

さいまん、わたしはあたらしひとです。かんじはわるくない。たすけてものをしりません。でも、よかったです。

おはよう。わたしはにほんごがかけるですからにほんにいきます！

I hope I wrote that correctly in Japanese! It’s been about a year since I posted, and a lot has happened in my life that I don’t want to get into right now, but I thought I’d give this blogging thing another try. The main reason why I decided to get back into it was because I wanted a place to attempt daily Japanese writing as an exercise while I study. Why? I’ll be going to Japan in February 2017! 

It’s going to be a challenge but I’m super motivated. (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑