when I was younger I always fantasized about shutting the fuck up and never asking anyone for anything. I fantasized about never talking again after being hurt or never wanting for anything after desiring something. I would fantasize about someone realizing their mistake. realizing they hurt me and affected our relationship permanently and would ask for forgiveness.
I would fantasize about a world where I could withdraw as a response to being hurt, and the person hurting me would stop and go “what have I done?” And they would then take care of me. they would hold me and tell me they’re sorry and that they didn’t mean to make me feel so hurt and unloved. but I never got to experience that. I sooner or later realized that people don’t care how little you’re in their life. it’s fine if you’re only a small part of a world that has them taking up so much of yours. Sooner or later I would realize my mistake. there is no one waiting to apologize for making me feel unloved. there is no one waiting to hold me and to assure me I am cared for when I feel so desperately empty inside.
sooner or later you realize that sometimes when you pull away, people are relieved. sometimes they can’t even tell a difference.
