Like Walking, But Faster

But its 2019 and I’m starting again today. I think? I felt like starting to write again because last time it helped to emotionally decompress and get it all out, so I started with a fresh emotional slate each run. It’s funny, I was never scared, but I am terrified now! I have no goal to reach currently. There’s no race to keep my training on track, I just want to try again on my feet. I’m going to try and keep this updated with my runs. Just for me. But if you’re along for the ride, welcome. This blob is going to become mobile again!

So I feel like I did a half marathon with really shitty training but I actually did the damn thing. I finished it. I crossed the finish line! In exactly 2h 45 mins. So it's like, slow as hell but mega painful and just a massive slog. I'm gonna run it down for you in the stages as I felt them. 1) Why is this start line so slow. I've placed myself in between 2h 35 and 2h 45 pacers. The 2h 45 pacer said she is gonna walk. I'm bracing myself. I literally just want to finish before 3h. Okay they're all running. Everyone is running. I'm off apparently! Wahhhhhhh 2) okay I'm turning my running playlist on - RUN BY GHOSTFACE KILLAH? Is this for real? It's like my Spotify knows. This is weird. 3) alright I'm jogging slow. Winchester is so pretty. Why do these roads wind up hills though? Oh wait the big hill starts now? Okay the first three miles are uphill? Okay yeah. Yeah. I'm almost at a mile and I'm still jogging - I might be able to do this. Breathing breathing breathing. 4) And I'm walking. Why is this course like flat flat flat and BIG STEEP HILL NOW. This is crap. Okay that's 2 miles. 5) I've made it to three and a half miles and I've got shooting pains up the back of my legs. Ankle to butt, fully. This is punishment for my run on Thursday. Should have just run on Wednesday. Why didn't I rest enough? Fuck it I gotta try. 6) currently on a run/walk cycle, equal parts. The 2h 35 pacer is way ahead of me but the 2h 45 is way behind me. I'm actually alone for a lot of miles 6-9, it's weird. My playlist is banging though. Honestly, I ran for the whole of Ja Rule's Put It On Me and it felt okay. I'm about to go further than I ever have though now so it's a bit weird. 7) fuck this shitty little village Oliver's Battery WHY IS YOUR WHOLE VILLAGE A HILL. NONE OF THIS IS GOOD. It's hot and sunny and there's no fucking water but there is this gorgeous kid omg she has jelly babies I LOVE YOU LITTLE GIRL YOU HAVE SAVED ME. THERES WATER AT THE TOP YESSSSS 8) fuck me 10 miles THIS IS HORRIBLE. I'm quitting. I'm a) surprised my knee hasn't kicked in with its bitching and whining yet, b) my ankles haven't buckled and c) I'm not gonna throw up any time soon cos I drank that water too fast UGH but these consistent shooting pains which are now there whichever way I run with my feet are taking over my whole life. 9) okay, 11.5 miles. The 2h 45 pacer is running with me. I'm still gonna make my goal. There were two of them - I won't ask where her friends are. She tells me my pains are because I haven't run this far before. She doesn't know I had them in Mile 1 but OH WELL. And off she goes. thinking about the end and I feel like crying for real at this point but I suck it up and start deep breathing because I'm gonna stop if I cry now. 10) okay I'm disheartened that I can see the 2h 45 in front of me and I'm about 30 seconds behind. This is not fun and OH SHIT THERES MILE 13 right I can't have shit music for this. I need to run as much as I can. Dr Dre's What's The Difference. Yes. 11) OH MY GOD 400 m to go WHAT IS HAPPENING WHERE IS THE FUCKING END. Right there's the churchyard - they're gonna make me go all the way back round. Fuck. I can't listen to Mya's My Love Is Like Woah. I need a good one, come on Spotify... YESSSS ITS ANDERSON PAK. Some excellent disco funky kaytranada positive vibes IM SO CLOSE FUCKKKKK. 12) THERE'S JAMIE okay hold back the tears til you get to the end it's literally right there. And Anderson Pak is blaring in my ears and so is everyone's cheering me over the line and I can see it and I can't even stop my grin - my face hurts from smiling. At least these photos will be good OH MY GOSH. OH MY ACTUAL GOD IVE FINISHED. FUCKKKKK MY TOES HURT SO BAD. Okay I can't believe this. Okay there's the ugly crying. And then some guy tried to interview me for the radio and I was blubbering "I'm sorry I can't talk right now!" And then I didn't even know what size tshirt to get and then Jamie was there and then I cried for about 10 mins. I didn't even think about what my time was. He told me - 2h 45. Exactly on the money. The 2h 45 pacer came literally right in front of me - she was a minute fast. And then I cried more and then suddenly that was it. It was over. I've showered and decompressed. My toes are mangled but I definitely think I could do another one. In about 6-8 months with some more speed training haha. Really. I really should train more next time.

This is my last run before I am apparently going to run a half marathon this Sunday. I stayed up til 2am last night googling what happens when you're unprepared for a half marathon, and I'm prepared to hurt and or be sick or whatever because it's my own damn fault. My plan is, if I run 12 min miles I'll get it done in under 3 hours. Point in case above. Tonight felt a little easier than it has done - I sort of forced myself to keep a slow pace and I actually ran most of it vs walking it. Got that stupid runner's knee thing as well which hurts a lot. Some paracetamol before bed it is! Hah. Just feel like this is going to be my own nightmare. Good things come to those who wait, and I got my dream job (the interview from before) so who's to say I won't finish? I have learnt the correct abbreviation - DNF. Did Not Finish. Can You Imagine. ARRRRGGGHHGGGG.

It hurt A LOT. I didn't warm up properly and it was awful awful awful. But it was sunny and a nice temperature but it's like, I'm so paranoid of my housemates/the world at that time in the morning. I need to leave earlier to get any benefit or hide well, but I need to warm up better in the mornings. It really really fucking hurt!

Short and sweet. This took so much effort to get out the door but I'm so glad I did.

Haven't run in a week. I actually did 14km but I walked the last two home because my knee felt like it was being ripped out of the socket so I stopped somewhere outside the Imperial War Museum at 12km. This was EFFING HARD. And this week I need to try to run Wednesday, and maybe the weekend, and I have a mega mega mega job interview on Friday. Which I'm now jinxing by talking about it but oh well. Who reads this anyway. I'm documenting my running life. By the way, it's a month til my half marathon and I can't even run halfway. Considering pulling out. We shall see.

Short and sharp and snappy - I'm pleased. It hurt though. Will it always hurt? I also helped a man across the road. Feel like a hero.

Alright let's try this for THE THIRD FUCKING TIME HEY TUMBLR WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. This is a milestone achievement for me so far cos I broke 10km and could have done more were it not for a) the IAAF marathon route getting in the way (and having to walk for 12 mins to cross bloody Tower Bridge) and b) falling flat on my ass outside City Hall. I digress. Please post this time!

I can't, I'm literally so frustrated my body has stopped. Please can someone tell me how to do this. How can I make my body fly like the other people I see every freaking day! I used to fly. 😞

Trying this annoying thing of running everyday for 30 days. Because I just need to force myself to do it. Yesterday I managed a loop of Stockwell in a decent ish time and I felt okay. I tried strapping my ankle with KT tape and the tape just hurt my arch and pissed me off. Today I've tried running home and got so pissed off with the sheer number of people in central London I've switched it off in Covent Garden and once again just taken the damn strapping off. Might try to run again when I get to embankment but right now I'm walking though Trafalgar Square fighting hoards of people and my misbehaving hormones and uterus. Fuck menstruation.

12km fail I managed 4 km and then my ankle literally died. Felt like someone was cutting the front of my ankle with scissors. So I walked to Victoria to try and treat myself to Crosstown Doughnuts. Walked an extra 2km, couldn't find the damn place so ended up just going home. What a fail of a run. I was so ready for a long one. Ugh.

Run No.8 So. I didn't go to GoodGym. But my foot was a little bruised - I concertina-ed my foot on some steps on Monday so I was mega limpy. But tonight did not disappoint. I'm a little sad I didn't push myself to go further but around about 4km along embankment the stomach cramp started and didn't die til I got home. And at around Vauxhall all I could think about was home. I took a bit of a different route tonight at Trafalgar Square, turned along embankment past the London Eye and through one of my all time fave spots in London, the glorious Whitehall Palace Gardens. They're SO green and pretty and lush. I love them. But what I thought would be a longer route was shorter because I chickened out somewhere by Lambeth Palace thanks to my cramp. But in better news I ran across a bridge! All the way no stopping! And til the cramp I was running about 6.20/km. Which I like. Anyway my ankle feels a little delicate but it's okay. It felt nice to run and this is why I don't understand why my brain can't remember this good bit to haul my ass out of the door. I might sneak a Sunday long run in the evening when I come home from Soton maybe. If not, Monday night I'll run after work but I'll run somewhere different - maybe into the city! Past Kings Cross, Regents Canal maybe! Oh London! Your skylines are gorgeous and your possibilities endless. Never leave me ❤️

ugh! After GoodGym I didn't run again. I tried to run home one night last week and I didn't manage it because I stayed at work so late and then nothing happened. Last week's GoodGym was rain soaked and I didn't want to go. Back story, on Friday I fell on laminate floor and body slammed my side onto the floor like SPLAT. 2 days later and I'm attempting the Nike community 5km Just Do It Sunday which is normally a breeze for me but it just DID NOT WANT TO HAPPEN. I managed 4km though, just about, but my whole body was aching. It sucks. I'm definitely going to try again after work tomorrow. I feel like I need to prepare my body for the GoodGym pain on Tuesday. Or, I may never run again. WHO FUCKING KNOWS.

So after weeks of promising my housemate I would go try this running club with her, I actually got over my stupid mega fear of running with other people and I actually fucking did it. YEAHHHHH! Not wanting to join one of those horrible competitive running clubs where people aren't friends and don't give a crap, I went the other way and have joined GoodGym, to do short runs to local community/charity projects and volunteer some time! Today I ran approximately 3.5km from Brixton to Oval/Vauxhall mid point WITHOUT STOPPING. I don't think anyone understands how elated I was to just do that bit. I cannot believe I even did it. I was thirsty because it was so bloody hot but I actually managed it. I really really can't believe it. Anyway we stopped there to do some painting and decorating at a local primary school which was very cute. And then we ran home! I had to stop for 3 mins on the corner of Stockwell junction but otherwise I did that too. I ran with my marathon seasoned vet housemate AND with the general group of runners and I was red and sweaty and lumpy compared to everyone else but it was my victory today. I can't believe it. When we first got to the meet up I was daunted by all these skinny, tshirt matching crew kids who all knew each other and worried I wouldn't keep up. I even thought about doing the shorter run which was only 1.5km. I'm so so so glad I didn't give into my chicken urges and I actually pushed myself. Wish I could explain how elated I feel right now! Small steps! (Runs. Whatever.) I'm in bed now and my knees ache and so do my shins but it feels right. Like I earned this pain. Is this going to be a perpetual state now? Just always in pain? Also I am so so so paranoid about my body's belly wobble. I'm way too wobbly. But I guess my body can still do things, so here's to me and mine. 🎉

Actually what happened to that post because I wrote a lot. It was wonderful. It felt so nice to write all this stuff and then suddenly I press post and NOTHING HAPPENS. ARGH!

Run No. Whatever - 7.56 km I wrote a whole post here and pressed post and it didn't post and now I'm just annoyed. I loved my run today.

Run No.3 - 7.19km I know it feels like I've massively graduated but this is what I used to do 2 times a week. It felt nice to be out doing it - I know my route, I know how it goes, I know I always want to run over Vauxhall Bridge and never make it past halfway. I walked a lot today because it was a long distance after all this time and also, my allergies are literally ripping my nose apart. Sorry if that's graphic. Writing this after a run feels rose-tinted. You've done it, your body is alive with endorphins, you're happy. I'm starting slow and it feels sensible, and I feel good. I also can't wait to beat myself on Thursday. Hopefully. Admittedly this isn't much of a diary or a blog like I'm used to, like it used to be, but I'm not here for that - just remembering to write about good and bad times so I can see how far I've come when I get there.