meme farming

honeydew #sixty - five ft. justin martindale. as always, a bit messed with for easier writing purposes. get sillay 💋

"i was originally born in ... [sigh]. [place]."

"i kind of just wanted to be like, bitch! sit down, queen! what is she doing?!"

"she's allergic to everything. she's allergic to grass, she's allergic to the floor, she has to sleep on a cot above ground so she doesn't die."

"great, i'm a witness."

"one day we go down to this creek ... of course. it all begins with a creek, doesn't it?"

"just be careful! you know, you don't want to hit somebody with this rock if you skip it too hard."

"she went to a fucking she wolf!"

"you stupid fucking kid!"

"i immediately ran off into the unknown."

"it was like someone showed me a medusa head."

"i don't know if she's alive or dead."

"oh. just wait."

"you have a good night, we'll talk to you later!"

"well you know what, you stupid bitch? you haunted my dreams. you cunt!"

"at what age did you realize your sexuality?"

"i'm thinking of some dirty thoughts in my mind, and there's no one to talk to."

"i can rock a uniform and make it stand out."

"i had fun, cool, nineties bitchy hair."

"i was taking trophies, i was taking plaques, i was breaking hearts, and taking final curtain calls."

"i was involved in theater and closeted homosexuality."

"does it look like i can play sports?"

"are we having fun? okay, good."

"i've been called worse."

"but i rocked that shit out! it was badass. it was awesome."

"i was an idiot. i just wanted to fit in. that's it."

"it was the worst experience. it was awful. it wasn't her fault. i should call her, by the way."

"i take it upon myself to walk up to the stripper and be like, move aside bitch."

"i shushed a stripper."

"i start doing all this shit before jennifer lopez did it."

"that's when security came over and took me off the stage."

"i'm sorry. she sucked. she sucked! someone had to tell her."

"shut up. just return the cake pan. you know what i mean?"

"my sweet tea recipe is better, you bitch."

"it should've been you!"

"next time i come back, we're not doing that."

"ugh. this is so rupaul's drag race of you."

"you've done good. you've really struggled a lot, as a kid, but you never identified it as struggling. you just did it."

"it's going to get way better for you, and it's going to get way worse for you."

"there's going to come a time where you don't know who you are, who you can trust, but first and foremost? trust yourself."

"you're going to pull through at the end."

"never forget who you are."

first date with lauren compton: sucking toes with greg fitzsimmons! more memes for getting sillay. 💅

"there's so much sexual chemistry, i don't know what to do with myself."

"it's been so long since i've had sexual tension that i thought it was food poisoning."

"what's going on with my body right now?"

"geez, you were hungry."

"this is about you, not me."

"i do find that tragic situations help with funnier jokes."

"what do you think a first date looks like with you?"

"i never ask anyone out. there have been very few dates in my life."

"it sounds like you're a little bit of a playboy."

"i have the most fucked up toes. do you wanna see?"

"what's your exit strategy on a bad date?"

"those are cute jeans. do they go over well with the guys?"

"would you consider yourself gay or homosexual?"

"don't you have the fear of getting the shit beat out of you?"

"i've been a whore, but never a slut."

"i gotta work on my moves."

"god, you're a dick."

"do i get like, an overall grade?"

"i can't hold that too hard against you, i did that too."

"i think it's a way of showing respect and equality, that i would do a bit with you."

"can we talk about extra credit? it's pretty well known that i have a big penis."

"i hear you're packing. is it true?"

"whip it out."

first date with lauren compton: year of the tiger milf with jiaoying summers! have at more insane memes you filthy animals. tweak as you see fit 💋

"my accent is real, motherfucker!"

"i want to deck him from head to toe. rolex watch, shoes, whatever. and then i want to buy him a car."

"i like to receive gifts, but not all gifts can impress me anymore."

"i like quality time. if someone invested in spending time with me, that's how i can get my pussy wet."

"you can't just buy me something that's two hundred dollars from the mall. like, that's ... for my dog, but thank you."

"i just want someone to spend time with me. that'd be better."

"it sounds like you're pretty romantic!"

"i think i am romantic, but i can't get anyone!"

"how can you not get anyone?!"

"the moment i open my mouth, people are like: ehh ..."

"you have to be pretty for me to fuck you."

"would you fuck me?"

"i'm not gay, but i would fuck you."

"i don't know how to eat a pussy, but i'll google it!"

"i'm very aggressive. i shouldn't be with someone who's not strong enough for me."

"i'm not perfect, and i'm okay with it. it's other peoples' problem, because i made peace with this face and this body."

"if you make my pussy wet, you can make all the money back."

"how do you meet people when you go out?"

"i don't meet people. they don't want to talk to me."

"i'm always working. i'm a workaholic."

"come to my show and see if you can handle that shit."

"i don't appreciate you speaking to me that way."

"i don't appreciate you being a little pussy."

"how do you prepare for a first date?"

"if they're really hot, i might wax."

"this bitch in college talked me into piercing my belly button."

"the enemy, they always trick you."

"if you die, it's not really my fault."

"i like a dad bod ..."

"maybe i should switch to dad bods."

"the only thing i want from you is your hard dick."

"i'll fuck you, and then don't call me."

"get hard and shut up. do what you're good at and don't try to be funny."

"it's a pussy dryer."

"no, i did not cum. that's why your father left. because you're weak."

"what's the best date you've ever been on?"

"the date was good. but i didn't like the dick."

"no ... that's not for me."

"have you ever done the walk of shame?"

"... just take ten thousand dollars and leave."

"i walked to the library and i sat there and was like, you should study, bitch."

"inconsistency is my biggest pet peeve. i hate inconsistency."

"i have other men to abuse."

"i like a dirty martini. dirty. cum in my drink. i want cum in there."

"i'm from a struggling era who didn't have cheese. so i just don't ... crave cheese."

"i'll do whatever to be young."

"i think i was an extrovert, and then too many lovers left. then i realized i'm an introvert."

"but you're funny! you're a funny bitch!"

first date with lauren compton: love is blind ft. josh potter. you know how it is, tweaked a bit for easier use, and mess with them freely as you see fit!

"do you sleep naked?"

"you know, last night i slept naked."

"i don't do well in heat."

"i love to sleep with the room ice cold."

"this is a sign of my self confidence: i have a large bed, but i still sleep as if i'm not allowed in it. there are three quarters of my own bed i don't even see."

"let's say that you're in love, they're the one, they're your soulmate. but they hate the room at your temperature. what then?"

"that's not my soulmate."

"what do you do to relax?

"i play sports video games. i'm a jock."

"oh, i'm an open wound, and you're not gonna like what comes out of it."

"oh, so you play sports online ... what a loser."

"i believe in astrology when it yields in my favor."

"do you think it's a red flag when someone asks you your time of birth?"

"i've completely lost my birth certificate."

"what are your guilty pleasures?"

"i love drugs, but that sounds a little worse than i want it to sound."

"i love a gaming system. you don't need to feed it, it doesn't need to go to the bathroom. you can leave it for days at a time."

"have your friends ever convinced you to stop seeing someone?"

"my friends have tried convincing me to stop seeing someone."

"i'm trying not to fall for my instincts."

"what is it that you keep going for that isn't working?"

"it's something about my own self - loathing and that someone so cold and frightening would choose me."

"something about that just tickles the right bone."

"i'm going to go ahead and give you a red flag for not learning."

"how would you get out of the worst date of your life?"

"you're not like i thought you were going to be."

"i can't do a pick up line. are you kidding?"

"i'm pretty sweet."

"stop oppressing me with your love!"

"where are you finding these gremlins?!"

"i'm finding these people from the coffin. i have to stop picking up people from the crypt."

"you sound really sweet. they sound awful."

this past weekend w/ theo von ft. guest mike rowe. random quotes from the podcast ep. with the slightest bit of tweaking for writing purposes.🪳

"did you do chores growing up?"

"you want to keep it as authentic as possible."

"it's normal to want to know how you're doing."

"it's not like a crystal ball thing, is it?"

"whether it's a leaf blower, or the penis on a bull, sometimes you just gotta play the cards you get."

"that's the kind of stuff we've gotta stop."

"there's nothing free in this life."

"is this part of SAW? is this SAW season two?"

"well what i like to do, is, i'd light a candle first, a little aromatherapy. and of course, you know, a tasteful floral bouquet. something to set the mood ..."

"you're like some kind of damn spunk minion."

"was there a wiener you didn't get to see?"

"oh, god. wait until they see what my penis looks like."

"everywhere you go, you'll find a new dead thing by the side of road."

"if you're going to die, at least die out by the road so people can see you."

"just because you CAN do a thing, doesn't mean that you should."

"you're going to die out here."

"i don't want you driving for two hundred hours!"

"i can drive forever!"

"sandblasters make you feel like the terminator."

"we'll be back in a couple of hours. get what you can get!"

"when you're bitten by a shark, that's ... that's so horrifying."

"that was the first time i really saw my life flash before my eyes."

"anything that can eat you alive will get you thinking in a different way."

"i can still hear the sound of my sphincter slamming shut."

"that, of course, is stupid. that's very foolish."

"if i die, i'll just wake up back off camera."

"i did some weird shit, man."

"i didn't help society or learn anything."

"this was jackass meets fear factor."

"they paid me minimum wage to do this."

"what happened to my face? well. i'll tell you what happened ..."

"i can't help you. i don't want to help you."

"that's one of the greatest metaphors of all time. reaching through an electric fence to gently cup the breast of a young love ... so you're surrounded by consequences, you've got danger everywhere, you're being allowed to a thing ... but there's risk all around you."

"that's why we power wash!"

𝐣𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐚𝐡 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 #𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐱. some lines from the eightysixth episode of the jeremiah wonders podcast by jeremiah watkins featuring guest josh wolf. tweaked a bit here and there for easy usage, but mess around as you see fit to send!

"how are the gains?"

"the gains are good!"

"last time we talked, you didn't have the gains set."

"it's called a style. have you heard of it?"

"are you a virgin, though?"

"you wanna know how sex works?"

"sounds like somebody doesn't know how sex works!"

"can you hear your [other parent] and i when you're in the basement?"

"it's my silent chamber of death."

"why can't i bring another creature into this madness?"

"that crow is getting chubby. we gotta gotta get him out and get him to spread his wings."

"okay, you can't fat shame my crow!"

"i'm just saying we want a healthy crow, you know? if we're gonna have a crow in the house, let's make sure he's a healthy crow. that's all."

"i sit in my basement with my pet crow."

"yeah, i'm a big x-files fan. what's up?!"

"he's downstairs most of the day listening to avril lavigne tracks with his pants off."

"let me ask you something about the fingerless gloves: have you ever thought about just going no gloves?"

"we should talk about your relationship with your brother."

"that's what family is! or so i heard, on family matters."

"it's assumed that i'm not welcome there."

"are you still lactose intolerant?"

"i'm going to hopefully be dead soon."

"you know what pisses me off? nothing fazes you! you've heard it all!"

"i thought i was blending in with the darkness."

"i might have to murder you right here."

"do you have to make it sound like you're trapped in a well when you say that?"

"you're troubled youth."

"stop making weird noises in the basement."

"it's like you're tripping. not that i've ever done drugs."

"this sounds like those ... who were those kids trapped in the cave?"

"[speaking into a voice disguising device] do i sound different?"

"i'm outside with the food."

"let's just say we had a wild friday night."

"sometimes i just light up for the fuck of it."

"sometimes i'm just walking down the street and i say you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna light this motherfucker up."

"i'm pretty fucking far from okay."

"that's right out of pulp fiction, motherfucker."

"that hit the bottom of my third vertebra."

"we got the meats."

"i'm so hungry, i could eat a tree branch."

"i'm so hungry, i could eat a bat's nest. do they have them?"

"oh, girl, i know exactly what you're talking about."

"you ever been jerked off while you're hungry?"

"oh, my bad, motherfucker."

"yeah, i can hear nine voices in my head. this is trippy as fuck."

"would you like some spinach?"

"if i had that at my house, i'd be divorced."

"i think the only work you're doing — you know the work you're doing — is not up to par."

"i would never threaten you."

"you're being very passive aggressive right now."

"sometimes i get a little too in my head, where i'm not too present in conversation."

it's a sense of urgency i put on myself."

𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐰/ 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬, 𝐝𝐫. 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤: 𝐞𝐩. 𝟐𝟐𝟐. some tinkered with for usage, and as always, mess around freely. 💋

"it's been a long time since i spoke to you. i missed you, i've missed our intimate soirees together."

"[person] has your attention and affection now, and i'm shit out of luck."

"i'm stuck in the hellhole that is [place]."

"it sounds like you don't have a reason to really stay."

"i would like to leave but i have too many reasons to stay."

"i was going to say i have one smart question and one dumb question, but let's be real, they're both pretty dumb."

"i have one smart question and one dumb question."

"maybe i was just stoned and walking around outside."

"i'm seeing all these dogs in the park, and i'm starting to get worried that i'm going to get sunburned. why don't dogs have to put on sunscreen?"

"dogs have this thing called fur."

"this is the dumb question, right? let me clarify."

"do you know what hemorrhoids are?"

"are you doing good? is your life good?"

"you have the power. just be better."

"i've heard thoughts like this before, but i think this is the first time i've heard this thought expressed."

"i'm kind of debating with myself."

"[person] was raised like a veal."

"i want to blame myself. i'm missing something, here."

"do you attack people that are weak?"

"do we have any voice messages?"

"so he's more likely to have the best cum of his life than chronic ball pain? i like those odds!"

"i cannot understand the motivation to do this. i can't get it."

"i just got over it, i guess."

"thank you! thank you. i need that positive reinforcement."

"i had a problem with eating too fast, but that was because my dad told me i ate like a bitch when i was a kid."

"you DO eat like a bitch."

"i never noticed that you eat like a bitch, for the record."

"what does that even mean?"

"damn, why do you eat like a bitch?"

"you can talk to him if i can find him."

"i would love it, the thing is, he'll kill all of you."

"i want to just do it myself."

"they sound like fascinating people, and i want to kind of dig in and see what's going on."

"don't 'come on, now' me! don't 'come on, now' me!"

"this guy fucks."

"i was feeling bad that i like this guy as much as i do."

"i would be worried that if i came at a really bad guy with an axe, that he'd pull away the axe and use it on me."

"you wouldn't wanna throw the axe. then they have your axe."

"you need multiple axes hidden all over."

"the crossbow better be handy."

"what is the opposite of sus or cap?"

"you just blew my brain out."

"it's funnier when you use it incorrectly."

"if you ever find yourself in prison, go to the biggest guy you see and go, 'you're cap, dude.'"

"yeah, that house sucks."

"is this true love? this looks more like a hostage situation."

"this looks more like a hostage situation."

𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐰/ 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬,  𝐝𝐫. 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤:  𝐞𝐩 𝟏𝟖𝟗.  had to alter some just a bit as always to be easier to work with and you can mess around with them freely! have fun! 💋

“there’s sort of no excuse to call in. the only excuse is your death.”

“it’s nice to spend time with you.”

“oh. it’s nice to spend time with you, too.”

“i don’t think there’s been a lot of progress over the last two or three months.”

“as you get into it, it’s easier, right?”

“you know, i gotta say, you look pretty good, my dude.”

“can we see those guns real quick?”

“i mean, feel free to take more off, if you want.”

“no thank you, but that’s weird.”

“i think i might be a little bit sick, but i’m not sure if it’s sick, or at this point it might be poison. i’m trying to figure it out.”

“yeah, i spray poison all the time in my house.”

“i spray poison like, everywhere, i call it ‘lining up’. so yeah, i just line up the house.”

“anywhere that there’s like, a hole for something to get through? there’s poison going on there.”

“are you troubled with bugs?”

“have you seen any bug in your house, ever?”

“okay. anyway.”

“every day, how many bugs do you see here?”

“i mean, i bet it doesn’t work that well.”

“that is demonstrating how bad it is.”

“i’ve exterminated all bugs.”

“you ever heard of the case of the superstitious pigeon?”

“i think you’re becoming the superstitious pigeon, my friend.”

“so you’re trying to tell me god is just like, sprinkling bugs on my motherfucking house?”

“ahh, he thinks the poison’s working again!”

“i’m not a pigeon.”

“you’ve been going mudding?”

“i needed to get my knives sharpened.”

“it’s just a funny statement.”

“are these cutlery knives? are you throwing knives?”

“look, guys. you need to get your knives sharpened every six months, no matter what.”

“i just pictured you with like, a collection of knives.”

“i do have a collection of very nice knives.”

“i think i’m too old to be hanging out on campus.”

“i think in the future i might want to teach again.”

“here’s someone snapping their neck in half. do you think this is funny?”

“so, i’m never going on a ride like that again.”

“he’s a professional, he’s a fan of the silly.”

“this is hilarious.”

“do you smash your ass on that?”

“you could break your pelvis.”

“the amount of weed they smoke is epic.”

“they’re sharp as shit on all that weed.”

“that seems like you couldn’t function.”

“the first time you do it, you definitely can’t function.”

“you should ask me stuff. i’ve got stuff to reveal to you.”

“when’s the last time you’ve been cross-fados barbados?”

“they had these cigar-sized blunts with a mouthpiece on the end.”

“i had a fucking toxic reaction.”

“it was really a bad reaction, and no high. only misery.”

“i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you should stay away from weed.”

“i’m gonna go with you on that.”

“weed’s a little different now.”

“i thought i was gonna have a seizure.”

“it took me about five days to recover. for two days, i was a mess.”

“i am so sorry that i’m such a freaking lightweight.”

“it’s called an anticholinergic reaction.”

“that sounds like your asshole seals shut.”

“so you have neuropathy issues.”

“so you just lost all motor function?”

“didn’t you say you didn’t get high? this sounds like you were just insanely high. you were just stoned.”

“there was nothing pleasurable. it was only misery.”

“you sound like the guys in college that used to give me that shit!”

“you’re not doing it right!’

“it’s called being a lightweight.”

“now i wanna smoke with the cool kids.”

“i announced that i have to leave.”

“let’s talk about ballbag pain, everybody.”

“it’s like getting shot in the back.”

“how the fuck do those fit through a dickhole?”

“you wanna piss out a quarter-sized piece of coral?”

“i blew out my femur.”

“is this something i should worry about?”

“some people, after a traumatic event, could have more unregulated emotions.”

“it’s good, you’re in touch with your emotions.”

“what’s the difference between mental illness and just being a run of the mill asshole? like, clinically.”

“being an asshole can also be a sign of mental health issues.”

“personality disorders are the phenomenon that cause people to have trouble in relationships.”

“when you’re talking about an asshole, you’re talking about someone who just makes you feel bad to be around.”

“that guy’s pretty cool.”

“i don’t know quite what you accomplished with that.”

“stop, i don’t like him.”

“when you sit and study it, it’s uncanny.”

“i just wonder what’s going on in his head.”

“we’ll continue to try to figure out where the bodies are buried.”

𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐰/ 𝐫𝐨𝐛 𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐫 ,  𝐝𝐫. 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤 :  𝐞𝐩.  𝟏𝟕𝟒.  you know how it goes. some quotes slightly altered for ask purposes. mess around as you see fit 💋

“you were just getting started then.”

“i wanted to apologize ...”

“i just want to tell [person] about us.”

“if that’s important to you, i’m ready to talk about it.”

“it’s the weirdest thing in the world to me if people don’t ask about important things.”

“what do you mean you won’t talk about that important thing?”

“i want everybody to like me, so i’m gonna manufacture my personality.”

“you can’t go down the street without getting stabbed!”

“what the fuck did i do.”

“this is NOT the place that i remember.”

“i’m not sure those are good environments to continue that practice of living a good, modest life.”

“it’s really easy to die from that. really easy. you’re very lucky.”

“how i felt was like ... you know when you see a puppy that was taken in by a shelter, and he’s in the corner shivering? that’s how i was.”

“i’m glad you’re sober. it’s good. it’s hard work.”

“how long will you be sober now?”

“you seem calmer. really centered.”

“i need help with this. i need to call somebody, i need to talk to somebody.”

“i just think people need to fucking tough it out.”

“i can’t really talk about it, or i’m gonna get my ass whooped good.”

“i get it, i got it. you’re trying to help me.”

“how is he not on steroids?”

“i wish i was on steroids.”

“i’ve worked out in a gym since i was fourteen.”

“i’m glad i didn’t do steroids, but it just would’ve been fun.”

“it really becomes like brushing your teeth.”

“i can’t work out my arms. because if i do, then i look like a bodybuilder, and the rest of my body doesn’t fit.”

“that’s a thing about relationships. you should like the same stuff.”

“humans are naturally attracted to people that share our culture.”

“that’s the thing. i could talk about it all day.”

“i think i’d throw up as soon as i walked in.”

“it’s like human mold.”

“when you’re a drug addict in [place], you just end up in crazy places.”

“[person] has been in a lot of breaking bad type situations.”

“i did coke every night for years and years, and i didn’t even like coke.”

“back when i was an addict, i was either at a hundred, or a one.”

“all roads lead to narcissism with this stuff.”

“i want a whole show out of that.”

“i wanna make a show called ‘ballin’ and broke.’”

“[place] is just 24/7 of people calling you on your shit.”

“you know, i saw a dragon yesterday!”

“you didn’t see a fucking dragon. what are you, stupid?”

“all my strip club information comes from [person].”

“i swear to god, bro. you’re putting me in some shit, dog.”

“oh yeah, i’m gonna marry her one day.”

“it’s nice of them to be nice to these assholes.”

“i swear to god.”

“i get you admire it, but your admiring ain’t there my man!”

“you’re talking about i was making moves!”

“i said please come here, and you were like, what was that fucking right hand action?”

“as a poker player, when somebody’s voice goes really high, it means they’re lying.”

“you son of a...”

“i love you [name]! [name], i love you!”

“no, you don’t love me. we are not on the same team.”

“i love you! i do! you’re my boy!”

“eh, these are my friends for my entertainment.”

“you seem really infatuated with the dudes that were at the strip club.”

“you see that guy over there? what do you think about him?”

“does that guy have tik tok, guys? what do you think?”

“how does he get his dance that way?”

“i appreciated what was going on. i’m just saying.”

“i appreciated what was going on too. i think we just saw other things going on.”

“there’s something for everyone at a strip club, you know? that’s what’s great about them!”

“do you have special pants for when you go to strip clubs?”

"thank you for that.”

“these aphrodisiac pills are labeled like fucking scratch off cards.”

“he was fucking hitting some meth and taking some rhino pills.”

“trust me, you have a pulse. you would not be moving about if you didn’t have a pulse.”

“he made it to the shower with no pulse?”

“this was a panic attack.”

“when you’re from [place], you know what your boy’s doing.”

“[wincing] see, i felt that not in my balls, but in my dick. which is crazy, i don’t know why that happened.”

“he may need some dental work.”

“we made somebody’s dick hurt, so it’s all good.”

“i wish i didn’t even say the title!”

“we must find them. i need to talk to them.”

“i don’t know if she’s just like, ‘fuck yall.’”

“these smells literally stay in your nose.”

“when you smell that in the future, it just brings you back to that place, and it’s just a horrible thing.”

“it’s interesting, how we have different intolerances.”

𝐝𝐫. 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐡𝐞𝐚 𝐰/ 𝐬𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 ,  𝐝𝐫. 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤 :  𝐞𝐩. 𝟏𝟓𝟓  as always? some grammatically messed with for writing purposes, but always mess with them as much as you need to 💙

❛ it is time for another visit from my lovely wife! ❜

❛ as humiliated as you were last time you were here, i’m a little more frightened this time. ❜

❛ gentlemen, i barely recognize my wife now. ❜

❛ well done, you’ve created another problem person. ❜

❛ i bought these jeans with holes in them, so. ❜

❛ a woman walked up and asked if i were your girlfriend. ❜

❛ if you want a good guy, you have to go for the nerds. ❜

❛ this would make a great vibrator. ❜

❛ don’t necessarily encourage that. ❜

❛ i’m gonna send this bobblehead to elton john. ❜

❛ i think we should spin off into making this a vibrator. ❜

❛ in somebody’s rectum is where i am now. ❜

❛ did you feel good about that? ❜

❛ i couldn’t resist, sorry. ❜

❛ i never know whether you’re kidding or not. ❜

❛ should we divorce right here? is that what you’re saying? ❜

❛ i love you. you’re the best, you’re the undisputed best. ❜

❛ i’m gonna pass out! ❜

❛ he’s got a sore throat, but it was worth it. ❜

❛ so, i’m not quite sure where to go. ❜

❛ you guys all got along really well ❜

❛ he’s like a flux capacitor. ❜

❛ that’s thanks to me. ❜

❛ no, it’s not thanks to you! ❜

❛ let me tell you what’s going on. ❜

❛ a gallon of water a day? i’m out. ❜

❛ that’s stupid. that’s lame. why are you doing that? ❜

❛ let’s get to the punchline here, gentlemen. ❜

❛ that is fucking lunacy, man! ❜

❛ now i’m dissociating. ❜

❛ is a portal just an asshole? ❜

❛ it’s a place where energy comes from. ❜

❛ the asshole is an opening to a part of your soul. ❜

❛ it’s a g spot portal. ❜

❛ see? that’s why we get along. ❜

❛ i’m just going to sit silently while these pearls drop from your mouth. ❜

❛ my coochie tingled. ❜

❛ i talked to dead people. ❜

❛ sometimes, if i miss my medication, my balls hurt. ❜

❛ thank you for being so supportive. ❜

❛ he’s a diarrhea whisperer. ❜

❛ you could change your underwear more often. ❜

❛ if you wear your underwear for a week, you have a problem. ❜

❛ i would hope someone would let me know if they smelled coochie. ❜

❛ i appreciate you telling this story to the world. ❜

❛ oh, that’s normal pussy smell. ❜

❛ i know, i get it. ❜

❛ chemically, your body can cause that. ❜

❛ oh, oh, oh. is that [name]? ❜

❛ call an ambulance! ❜

❛ i didn’t mean to laugh, but i did. i don’t know why i laughed. ❜

❛ don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him! ❜

❛ i didn’t know i was gonna get to see that. ❜

❛ so, just another friend saving another friend. ❜

❛ i’ve been laughing a lot at people gagging and vomiting. ❜

❛ you like when i gag. ❜

❛ it’s something that you can’t control. ❜

❛ he’s so delighted with himself, and that’s funny. ❜

❛ remember when you said you didn’t laugh at this? ❜

❛ oh my god, i’m gonna throw up. ❜

❛ what is wrong with men? ❜

❛ it’s making my arms tingle! ❜

❛ why is that funny? i don’t know why i laugh at that. people are suffering, and i laugh? ❜

❛ that’s pretty funny. ❜

❛ babe! babe, oh my god! ❜

❛ look at the dog! ❜

❛ that was awesome! ❜

❛ are you ready to witness the miraculous progress this client has made? ❜

❛ i’m gonna eat your booty. ❜

❛ ah, well. it’s been a memorable experience. ❜

❛ you want me to eat sundaes out of your asshole? you want a banana split out of your ass? ❜

❛ no? you don’t wanna do that? ❜

❛ i’m doing my best, [name]! ❜

❛ am i wrong? ❜

❛ let’s end it before something really wacky happens. ❜

❛ i’m sorry i was rude, but i thought that’s what i was supposed to do. ❜

❛ she thought that was what she’s supposed to do. see what you’ve done to her? ❜

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 ,  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐣𝐨𝐬𝐡 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 :  𝐞𝐩 𝟕𝟎  some grammar messing here and there for ask purposes, as per! tweak as you see fit!

❛ come gather around the garbage. ❜

❛ i do hope you join me. ❜

❛ i am worse for wear. ❜

❛ i’m just. i think i’m dying. i think i’m slowly dying. ❜

❛ man, i am just wrecked. ❜

❛ that was tough to watch. ❜

❛ that’s out of character for your boy. ❜

❛ i gave the people a real show. ❜

❛ that was one of the most fun experiences i’ve ever had. ❜

❛ ripped my heart out of my chest right in front of me. ❜

❛ ugh, god, it was just so heartbreaking... ❜

❛  he’s attempting to be a budding tik tok star.❜

❛ come on, what are we doing with this tik tok bullshit? ❜

❛ people loathe this loser. ❜

❛ he’s probably trying to find his identity. ❜

❛ you’re probably gonna do some fucked up shit. ❜

❛ it’s not fucked up, it’s silly. it’s just dumb. ❜

❛ i just wish i could do what i want without getting attacked every week. ❜

❛ you’re probably electric in the sack. ❜

❛ that’s just a major, major disparity. ❜

❛ i hope you enjoy your week of retirement! ❜

❛ are there roaches in this building? ❜

❛ yeah, that would be pretty fucked up, but i want to watch it. ❜

❛ i’m not touching any of the saws. i’m keeping my arms. ❜

❛ my dad actually had his arm torn off at a workplace accident. ❜

❛ if you do it, let me know how it goes. ❜

❛ we have to turn over these rocks, my friend, and find more opportunities for income. ❜

❛ is this just shit luck? ❜

❛ not my best show, folks. ❜

❛ i hope i see you. ❜

𝐞𝐩. 𝟏𝟏𝟖 :  𝟐 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, 𝟏 𝐜𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐰/ 𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐚 & 𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐤𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫  as always, some messed with grammatically to use for writing, but feel free to edit as you see fit 💙

❛ i’m moving. ❜

❛ i want a trap house. a trap compound. ❜

❛ is that idea a real idea? ❜

❛ i probably spent a thousand dollars on Ubers in the last month. ❜

❛ how out of touch are we? ❜

❛ what the fuck? why don’t i have a house here? ❜

❛ goddamnit, man, what is wrong with my brain? ❜

❛ i think i’m still rebounding from yesterday. ❜

❛ you woke up so scared. ❜

❛ he actually said it was not a bad idea. ❜

❛ i love this idea. ❜

❛ [person] will learn to love it. ❜

❛ there’s a lot about you we’re gonna change today. ❜

❛ i make more sense. ❜

❛ i want you to think about who you WANT to be. ❜

❛ okay, i’m listening. ❜

❛ is this your new years resolution? ❜

❛ you are speaking my language. ❜

❛ don’t worry, i’ll take you out to a fancy dinner. ❜

❛ i couldn’t have [person] in my head every day of my life. ❜

❛ this is all over the map. ❜

❛ just smoke meth. ❜

❛ who wants to watch [person] go to the darkness? ❜

❛ these people are out of their fucking minds. ❜

❛ i don’t know if i can sign off on that. ❜

❛ hold on, stop. this is negativity. ❜

❛ it’s gonna be the darkest four months of my life. ❜

❛ you get to watch a man fucking bruce wayne himself. ❜

❛ is it doable? ❜

❛ i like where your head’s at. it’s very exciting. ❜

❛ [person] is SUCH a buzzkill. ❜

❛ what’s wrong with me? i’m so impulsive. ❜

❛ can i tell you where my brain goes? ❜

❛ all anyone can talk about is how irresponsible we are! ❜

❛ i am so quick with ideas that i have to sift through them. ❜

❛ did we get cancelled? ❜

❛ do you want a million dollars or not? ❜

❛ time is of the essence, buddy. ❜

❛ this is your fucking journey. ❜

❛ everything’s a negotiation with you. ❜

❛ anything is possible. ❜

❛ i’m a million dollars level serious. ❜

❛ we don’t want a doctor that says “don’t do it.” ❜

❛ i’m sure [person] would be all over this. ❜

❛ that’s how it works. it’s about a lifestyle change! ❜

❛ a healthy life is the greatest gift of all time. ❜

❛ let’s talk about where you can spend this money! ❜

❛ one million dollars. what are you gonna do with it? ❜

❛ first thing i’d do is get my investments right. ❜

❛ i’m excited for the life that you get to have! ❜

❛ i need you to understand that you’re getting a new life! ❜

❛ it all started with one stupid fucking joke. ❜

❛ it’s so bizarre. i didn’t think i’d like you. ❜

❛ no doctors. just do it. ❜

❛ who lies to themselves? guys like me and you. ❜

❛ get on steroids. ❜

❛ this is so ironic! ❜

❛ i pulled a muscle! i’m cramping, i’m laughing so hard! ❜

❛ oh, i wish i could tell you the inside joke! ❜

❛ when i get to heaven, i want god to say, “hey man, i’m a big fan.” ❜

❛ you guys all died from laughing. ❜

❛ i love every challenge! ❜

❛ challenges are the only way my brain works. if you say “do this,” then i can do it. ❜

❛ i think it’s gonna be crazy. ❜

❛ that would be the fucking tits. ❜

❛ you better go for a motherfucking walk today, man. ❜

❛ i love drinking. i love it so much. i will never quit drinking. ❜

❛ there’s a high probability that in a few hours, this whole thing falls apart. ❜

❛ i’ve been cooking for myself recently. ❜

❛ i should have taken you with me. ❜

❛ that’s alright. i still love you. ❜

❛ i am fucking blurred into one fucking day. ❜

❛ this is a part of the thing i didn’t know about. ❜

❛ i had so many good ideas in my life that i never followed through with it. ❜

❛ what do you think the best idea you’ve ever had is? ❜

❛ it was just an idea! ❜

❛ fuck, i might need another beer in a second. ❜

❛ here’s how stupid i am. ❜

❛ this is hilarious. ❜

❛ can i tell you what bums me out about me? ❜

❛ of course you didn’t know that. you don’t care about anyone but yourself. ❜

❛ i kind of feel the same way about you. ❜

❛ i think that’s why we’re still together. ❜

❛ how do you know this? ❜

❛ he’s a shockingly solid dude. ❜

❛ he moves around well. ❜

❛ women are crazy, aren’t they? ❜

❛ you’re a fun dreamer. ❜

❛ i LIVE in dreams. ❜

❛ these dreams are gonna come true. ❜

❛ what the fuck. ❜

❛ tacos? tacos. ❜

❛ let’s do nude pictures. ❜